Precious Comfort Love Thrust: The Beginning Of The Band

In my last Blog Post I described how I learned of the existence of the Sixties band, Precious Comfort Love Thrust. My ambition has been to write the unofficial ‘official’ biography of the greatest band who never existed.

With the limited material available it has been difficult to put into some chronological order the history of the band. However, Stef’s journals have been an invaluable source of information in that respect.

There were two in the suitcase I acquired when Stef sadly passed away at the Care Home. One contained her beautiful lyrics and the other was almost like a scrap book. It contained her musings, or press cuttings, the odd Polaroid photo crudely taped to the yellowing pages.

One of the most revealing sections of that journal is entitled ‘An Interview I Shall Never Give’. Here Stef writes and answers her own questions about being part of the band. Despite playing the crucial role of being their sole songwriter it would seem she was very much in the background. None of the press cuttings seem to reference her yet without her there would be no Precious Comfort Love Thrust.

She was part of the day to day life of the band, jotting down the mood of recording or touring with throwaway observations in her journal like ‘Labia wants out’ or ‘Dick is struggling’

Whenever one writes a music biography of a band normally the reader would come with some basic knowledge of who the band are and have at least heard one or two songs.

It’s likely the first time you ever heard about Precious Comfort Love Thrust is when I wrote about them or you happened upon the Twitter or Reddit sub I set up to share the contents of Stef’s suitcase.

Also normally a music biography can begin with explaining how the band formed. You know, so and so met each other at school, this person left that band to join etc. Yet, Precious Comfort Love Thrust seemed to just suddenly exist. They appeared as quickly as they disappeared.

What I have been able to work out is the Original Line Up consisted of:-

Labia Lefeure – Lead Singer

Richard ‘Dick’ Splash – Lead Guitarist

Kaku – Bass Guitarist

Vanda T – Rhythm Guitar

Regis – Drummer

In their short history the band would go through different line ups. Dick Splash left the band to be replaced by Curt Lingus.

Both Vanda and surprisingly Labia then left, the latter attempting a solo career which saw he take residence for a while in Las Vegas.

The final iteration of Precious Comfort Love Thrust was Labia returning with Kaku and Regis; the lead guitar being played by a host of session musicians.

Yet the history of the members of the band (or Love Thrusters as Stef called them in her journal) is unknown.

A vital part of any music biography is to be able to trace the early life of the band, to give context to the people that would become universally admired by fans. Yet I cannot find anything relating to the members of PCLT. No clue where they were born, who their parents were, where they went to school. Nothing.

The closest was a very small snippet of an interview Labia gave when she sung at the Sands in Vegas. It read:-

I love being up here with the big band, singing the old songs. It’s like being back home in the clubs in the East End of London”

So we know that Labia (which I presume is not her real name) was born in London and sung in clubs before joining Precious Comfort Love Thrust. But how and why remains shrouded in mystery.

As for the others they are like ghosts. It’s as if they were purposely designed to blend anonymously in the background. Labia was the face of Precious Comfort Love Thrust; it would have been her face who adorned the walls of teenage fans and probably helped a few boys through those difficult years.

But did the girls have Dick Splash on their walls? Or perhaps others went dressed as Vanda or Kaku at concerts. Maybe in pubs today there is someone holding court that the greatest drumming you’ll ever hear was Regis on the track 4-Nication.

As I begun my study of the Journals of Stef Clancy I wondered about the others. Whether they resented Labia for being in the forefront whilst they were reduced to playing in the shadows? Did Labia have a hand in that? Was she some diva who demanded all the attention? And what was Stef’s role in all of this? Who was calling the shots?

Because whilst it’s possible to gather some information from the journal on all the band members including Stef herself, there is one person (or persons) where nothing appears – the Manager.

Who was the Manager? He (or she) put together a band, signed them to an obscure record label that only produced PCLT records then promptly went out of business. If legacy is an indication of greatness then PCLT’s management team would not appear on any list of Greatest Band Managers.

Is the story of Precious Comfort Love Thrust a story of missed opportunity? A group of talented individuals let down by incompetent management.

Or is it a story about ego? A band self destructing before they have even had a chance to begin.

And this is before we get to the strange appearance of Pirouette Angel……..Whatever that was all about.

Precious Comfort Love Thrust : The Band Who Never Existed

When we think of great bands of the 1960s we immediately think of the likes of The Beatles, The Kinks, The Who or The Rolling Stones.

Indeed if you ask anyone to name their Top Ten bands of the sixties those names would feature. Yet one is unlikely to make any list …. Precious Comfort Love Thrust.

If you mention that name to anyone who was around during that period you might witness a fleeting glimpse of recognition. Study them closer and you can almost see their brain do somersaults as it delves into the intoxicated haze of memories of that decade. The name sounds familiar but their mind fails to provide any further confirmation.

It is not uncommon for bands or singers to disappear from the public conscious. Yet even then they find a way back; whether it be because their song ends up in a soundtrack to a movie or one of your Facebook friends lists them in their Top Ten Bands Of All Time just to appear cultured. You know, those friends who listed the most obscure David Bowie song as their favourite, just so they can say they really understood Bowie like no-one else did.

“I’m telling you if you think Space Oddity is better than ‘Always Crashing In The Same Car’ then you don’t get Bowie….Not like I do”

Nowadays, the internet refuses to allow anyone to forget anything. YouTube will host poorly filmed concerts of some band nobody has heard of playing in front of just 25 people in a pub in Basingstoke. eBay will have listings of all manner of music memorabilia. Wikipedia seemingly just has a page for everything and everyone. Spotify and Amazon appear to offer every song ever written, although Alexa seems dead set on playing the version she wants.

No Alexa I did not want to listen to ‘Sound Of Silence (Disco Version) by Groovy Doug and the Kinkettes

Yet with all these digital tools at our disposal you won’t find any reference to Precious Comfort Love Thrust. The internet offers no support for those who are challenged when they put PCLT at the top of their list of best bands. It’s as if they never existed. But they certainly did.

And how can I be so sure? Because of one woman – Stef Clancy.

A few years ago a friend of mine who works in a care home asked for my help in clearing out the belongings of a long term resident who had passed away. That resident was Stef Clancy

My friend explained that this woman had been at the home long before she began working there. She rarely had visitors and it was believed she had no living relatives.

My friend struck up a close bond Stef whose best years were far behind her. During more lucid periods she would talk about all the places in the world she had visited; but most of the time she would incoherently slur orders at my friend such as ‘Find Loafers”

“The thing is” my friend would laugh “Stef didn’t even own a pair of loafers”

Nevertheless a friendship formed, so much so when Stef passed away at the age of 93 she left all her possessions to my friend. A note addressed to my friend was found in the top drawer of her dressing table. A simple instruction written in Stef’s shaky handwriting ‘It’s all yours’.

This is where I came in as the only one in close locality with a car she asked if I wouldn’t mind helping her clear out Stef’s room. Not that poor Stef owned much; a few items of clothing, some jewellery and a couple of books.

It was rather melancholic that this woman had lived through nine decades and yet the sum total of her life could fit in a cardboard box. And none of it gave any clue about who she was and the life she had led; nor where her love of loafers had come from and indeed why she did not possess any.

However, as I was searching under her bed I found a battered suitcase. The wood grain pattern was scored and faded , the remnants of stickers that had adorned the sides remained, too worn to make out what they were. The leather strap handle was frayed, crudely kept together by electrical tape. When I unlocked the rusted fasteners it was filled to the brim of papers.

“What do you want to do with these?” I asked my friend

“Best keep it just in case any family come out of the woodwork. It might be important” she replied.

“I thought there was no family or anything”

“There was this lady who used to visit her but ain’t seen her round here for a long time.”

So I took the suitcase back to my flat where it remained in a corner of my bedroom. Perhaps a long lost relative might finally claim them or my friend might wish to look through whatever was inside.

However, no one claimed to know Stef and my friend became the only source of companionship for a myriad of lonely elderly folk. Over time the suitcase became buried under a pile of clothes until it was very much out of sight, out of mind. Forgotten much like Precious Comfort Love Thrust.

Then the COVID-19 pandemic happened and with it Lockdown. Out of sheer boredom one day I decided to tidy my room and that’s when I was reminded of the existence of the suitcase.

I messaged my friend to see if any family of the mysterious Stef Clancy. She responded that no-one had before quickly adding ‘if there are any deeds to a Castle in that suitcase remember she left it to me.’

There was no treasure to be found amongst the papers, well the sort of riches my friend was hoping for. The suitcase was full of artwork, photos, notebooks and album covers yet strangely without the vinyl in them.

All of them contained the same name :- Precious Comfort Love Thrust.

A quick Google search provided no results for this band but this stuff all looked real. I am no archaeologist but I can tell if a piece of paper is old. This was genuine stuff.

The notebooks contained the lyrics for songs written by Stef herself. Seemingly Stef was something of a lyricist perfectionist determined to have key words included in the song. On each page a list of words were written in the corner and crossed off as they appeared in a verse or chorus.

I searched everywhere I could to hear one of the songs written by Stef but each time it produced a negative result. Despite having no music to sing the lyrics along to there was a poetical quality to them. Stef had adopted her own stanza form. Each key word would be assigned a number and this would feature in exactly the same place in every song.

A further dive of the papers revealed Tour Schedules, release dates for albums and singles. There were photos of their concerts yet strangely they seemed more to concentrate on the audience than the band members themselves.

In respect of the members of Precious Comfort Love Thrust there was little about them. A few bios written for Pop magazines but not much else. No photos of the band except for one of them….Labia Lefeure, the lead singer. She seemed to adorn the cover of many of the albums. Once again a quick search on the internet produced no results.

Who was she? Who were they? I live during a time of Cancel Culture but what could this band have done to be simply erased completely?

For days I tried to find out anything about the band but never any positive results. My hopes of unravelling this mystery faded yet as I looked upon the album artwork and read Stef’s beautiful yet cryptic lyrics I decided I couldn’t keep this to myself.

I decided to set up a Twitter account for Precious Comfort Love Thrust so I could share these curiosities. Maybe someone in the big bad online universe could shed some light and help me unravel this mystery.

And if not at the very least ,to a small degree, I could try and return Precious Comfort Love Thrust back into the public consciousness. Because as I rifled through the mass of ageing papers I knew there was a story to tell.

It’s not my story. It’s the story of Stef, Labia, Dick, Vanda and Regis.

It’s the story of Precious Comfort Love Thrust – the band who never existed.

Super Sentient Sex Dolls From Saturn : Part Five

Following on from Part Four is this Part… Part Five. It’s kind of the middle of the movie.

The majority of this part is taken up with Spencer trying to hide the existence of Gina the Sex Doll from the likes of his mum and would be girlfriend, Becky.

Whilst he could have just left Gina in Paul’s basement he did not totally trust him not to keep having sex with her. Paul’s excitement could visibly be seen as he studied all the things that Gina could do.

Spencer was unsure if a sex doll could be broken but believed if anyone could break her then Paul and his extreme horniness probably could.

For some reason Spencer feels the need to treat Gina with respect and not use her for the primary purpose she was built. He is a gentleman towards her. So he decides to just shove her in the wardrobe in his bedroom.

The next morning, Spencer awakes to find Gina on top of him, slowly lowering the waistband of his pyjamas;

Spencer: What are you doing?

Gina: Your morning blowjob. That is how you like to start the day

Spencer: No!….I mean….No I don’t need you to do that

Gina: You do not wish me to perform oral sex upon you and tell you how big you are?

Spencer: No.

Gina: Do you wish to simply have sex with me then?

Spencer: No

Gina: Handjob?

Spencer: No….I do not require you to do anything sexually with me.

Gina: I am confused. That is my Primary programming. Are you unhappy with my service. Do you require any upgrade? Should I notify Control you wish for me to be replaced by VD?

Spencer: VD?

Gina: Version Delta. Although reports are they are quite buggy. But if you are no longer satisfied with my service then I shall commence the Retirement Protocol.

Spencer: No wait… do not retire….what else can you do?

Gina: I am programmed to provide sexual gratification in 234 different ways.

Spencer: Anything else?

Gina: My secondary duties is to ensure the safety and security of who I am assigned to and ensure they are comfortable.

Spencer: Which involves?

Gina: Mainly domestic chores.

Spencer (looking around his untidy bedroom): Well there you go. I would like you to ummm tidy my room.

Gina: That I can do.

Spencer: Just don’t go downstairs

Spencer leaves Gina in the room and goes downstairs, he grabs a slice of toast from his mum and heads out.

We catch up with him later in the cafe. He is sitting at a table flicking through his phone trying to find out any further information about the mysterious sex doll.

“What ya doin’?’ asks Becky and joins him at the table. They chat and it’s clear she is into him and all Spencer has to do is make the move. But just as the conversation heads towards him asking her out there is a commotion.

Dean and his Band Of Dicks start cheering and whistling. Spencer looks up and sees Gina has entered the Cafe dressed in just one of his sports shirts. She sees Spencer and walks over to him.

Gina: I have completed the task you assigned to me. I even put those magazines under your bed in alphabetical order although presumed Slutty Co-Eds Summer Edition should go before the Autumn Edition.

Spencer: What are you doing here? How did you find me? I told you not to go downstairs

Gina: I have completed my task and require a further assignment. And I am able to track you within a fifty mile radius. I also obeyed your instruction not to go down the stairs by instead jumping out the window

Becky: Spencer? Who is this?

Spencer: ermmm….this is …umm Gina….. she’s…..um my cousin. She’s come to stay with us from…ummm….France

Becky: Hi Gina. I’m Becky

Gina (cocking head to one side – Android thing) : I recognise you from pictures Spencer has underneath his pillow.

Spencer: Gina!! (To Becky) – She’s joking. French humour.

Dean the dick walks over and addresses Gina in own dickish way

Dean: Well well well. What do we have here? Don’t waste your time with this loser darling. You need a real man to satisfy you.

He grabs his crotch to make the point and Gina cocks her head (Android thing) and replies

Gina: Are you suggesting you wish to use your 4 1/2 inch penis for sexual gratification. I am not assigned to you for such a service

Some of the Gang of Dicks snigger and Dean stares sinisterly at Gina

Dean: You’re quite a mouthy one. Maybe I should use this (he grabs his crotch again) to shut you up

Gina: I can change the size of my mouth to adapt to any size. For yours I would have to make it smaller.

More laughter and Dean walks towards Gina. Spencer stands up instinctively to intervene but Dean shoves him away. Gina grabs Dean by throat and lifts him up. He is flaying around, choking.

Spencer: Gina. Let him go.

Gina: But he is a danger to you. Your safety and security is part of my duties.

Spencer: It’s fine. He’s not a danger. Let him go.

Gina releases Dean who falls to the floor clutching his throat.

Spencer decides its best to leave and ushers Gina out the cafe turning to Becky to whisper ‘She’s French’.

We conclude this part with a brief return to the strange laboratory where we saw a currently unnamed menacing man acting menacingly.

Well he is still giving off the menacing vibes as he asks for a progress update report.

There appears to have been five of them sir. Four are the newer VD models and one is an older model who we have been unable to trace.

The menacing unnamed man looks up and says ‘Find Them’ menacingly.

Tell Me You Love Me – The Opening

Recently I pitched a TV series called Ghosts Annoy Her. Since writing it has somewhat evolved.

Provisionally it’s now called Tell Me You Love Me and remains a supernatural tale with the main character being a girl in her mid 20s (although someone in their 30s who can still so pass for 25 will still work).

Unlike my previous ‘pitches’ I just thought I would draft out a few scenes that keep playing around in my head. You know out of my head and into yours.

The opening scene is a seemingly romantic one. Our MC and some gorgeous guy walking hand in hand in the park, followed by a romantic meal and then a glass of wine on a sofa.

He leans in to kiss her and she reciprocates and with their lips almost touching he whispers ‘I love you’. She recoils slightly, a momentary look and then a smile appears as behind the guy a dark mist forms.

It swirls round him, briefly taking a human form before smothering the guy and when the mist disperses the guy lays still, ashen…the life drained from him. The mist disappears.

Our MC stares at his lifeless body, running a thumb over her lips he was just kissing before getting up. It is clear they were in the guy’s apartment and she starts taking cash, jewellery and his mobile before exiting the apartment.

After the open credits we experience a brief dream of the MC. She is standing next to a tree while a guy gets on his knee looking like he is getting ready to propose. We see no more of this dream as in true cinematic style she sits bolt up right, breathing heavy.

We follow her to the kitchen. Her flat is the polar opposite to the lavish apartment we first saw her in. It’s small, grubby and untidy.

She pours herself a coffee and turns on a tiny television. Emptying her bag on to the kitchen side, separating the money and jewellery into three piles. She puts two piles in separate bags and turns her attention to the phone.

As she thumbs through the photos of her and the now deceased gentleman a news report plays in the background;

And the city was rocked today by news that Millionaire Peter Connors was found dead in his apartment this morning. Initial reports suggest natural causes and no foul play is suspected. Whilst a successful businessman Mr Connors had recently been dogged with rumours following implication in the Riletech scandal.

She begins to delete the photos and messages before turning to the TV as CEO of Riletech – Matteus Riley – is giving a statement, mourning the loss of his colleague. She stares intently, with a look of hate in her eyes as the camera zooms into Matteus Riley.

She turns off the TV and focuses on a battered laptop on the table. She clicks on the ‘Riletech Personnel Page’.

The opening concludes as we follow a Detective into the apartment of the now deceased Peter Connors. The rooms are bustling with Police officers, forensic team and the coroner.

Detective : Any idea on time of death?

Coroner: My preliminary estimate is between 11 pm – 2 am.

Detective: And cause of death?

Coroner: Not seen anything suspicious but I will carry out a full autopsy. It looks to me like heart failure

Detective (to an officer): Who found him?

Officer: His cleaner, this morning.

Detective: Strange

Officer: How so?

Detective: Two glasses. Half drunk. Seems someone else was here that night. Have some officers do door to door to see if they noticed anyone leave last night……and check CCTV

Officer: But it’s natural causes and….

Detective: Just do it. Something doesn’t feel right here.

And that concludes the opening. Intrigued?

Super Sentient Sex Dolls From Saturn : Part Four

If you have happened upon this before reading Part Three then you need to go read that first.

Come to think of it, if you haven’t read Part Three then you probably need to go read Part One and Part Two as well. It’s okay, I’ll wait.

Finished? Cool. So we start this part at Paul’s house or more precisely in Paul’s basement. Like Spencer, Paul lives alone with his Mother.

However, unlike Spencer, his Dad left the family home and didn’t die because he was too busy copulating with a sex doll than piloting a space craft.

Paul has a back story which may or may not be relevant and probably don’t want to spend too much time on it. So the best way of doing this is for him to monologue while searching for something in the basement.

“ So when my Dad left my mum she burned most of his stuff. I remember looking out the window and seeing her throwing clothes and that on a massive fire while screaming ‘Die Bastard Die’……Followed by ‘Hope that bitch dies too’. I don’t think she took the break up well.

Anyway, I was down in the basement a while back preparing for Games Night….I was trying to find the little man who dives in the bucket in Mouse Trap….when I stumbled upon this box full of tech and manuals.

My Dad was an engineer working for some company. Clearly my mum didn’t get a chance to burn it….Might have been cos it was a heavy box and mum had put her back out throwing the Peleton that my Dad bought her on the fire….Oh, and she had all those injunctions against her to stop lighting huge fires.

I thought nothing more of it until I saw that symbol on the sex doll. It’s the same logo on my Dad’s box.”

Paul finds the box and points out the symbol and matches it to the one on the sex doll. They eagerly rummage through the box, Paul starts thumbing through a manual and Spencer retrieves a device which has two cones at one end and a cylinder metal plug at the other.

“What’s this for?” he asks

Paul flicks through the manual and replies “That’s what connects her to the mainframe”

“Mainframe?”

Paul looks through the box again and pulls out a tablet “This I guess.”

They move to the Sex Doll which stands still and look to apply the connection. They work out that the two cone shaped looking things go over her breasts. Paul holds up the cylinder tube at the other end.

“Where do you think this goes?” he asks as the both stare at the most obvious place it could go.

Paul goes to slide it between her legs when suddenly a hand reaches out and grabs him by the throat.

“INTRUDER!! UNAUTHORISED ACCESS” shouts the sex doll as she squeezes Paul’s throat. Her eye glows bright.

Struggling to breathe Paul asks Spencer to help him. Panicking, Spencer tells the Sex Doll to stop and that Paul is a friend. She turns her head to look at him.

“A friend? Would you like me to activate Group Mode, Matt?”

“No! And I’m not Matt…. We were just trying to access your mainframe”

“You wish to come inside me? Very well”

The Sex Doll becomes silent and hesitantly Paul inserts the tube between her legs. The tablet powers up and Version Alpha GINA is displayed followed by a long menu of options.

They are briefly interrupted by Paul’s mum shouting down to see what that noise was all about.

“Nothing Mum” replies Paul “Our game of Rummikub just got a little exciting”

“You boys and your gaming” she says

“Wow! This is her Operating System. We have access to everything” Paul says returning to look at the tablet.

They both start looking through the menu as the secrets of the mysterious sex doll is revealed.

Paul: This is why she calls you by your Dad’s name. She was assigned to your Dad and his DNA registered which is close to yours. I can change the name to you. I can also change her hair colour, skin colour, breast size….seems I can also give her a penis if you want…

Spencer: No! Just get her to stop calling me by my Dad’s name

Paul: Probably can make her look just like Becky if you want….

Spencer: PAUL!! Just change the name

Paul: Wow! I can equip her with all manner of kinks…..Not even sure what that one is… What’s this? We can access her memories…There’s a lot in here….involving your Dad. Do you want to take a look?

Spencer: PAUL!!

Paul: oh yeh… sure… he was busy though…the last one is dated….oh

Spencer looks at the tablet and sees the date. It was the date his dad died.

Paul: seems that memory is a little corrupted…. I can do a factory reset …. Do you reckon that means she will be a virgin again cos your Dad….

Spencer: Paul!!! Just change the name and stop mucking about with her. We have no idea what we are dealing with.

Paul: mmm…that’s interesting. There is a hidden mode enabled here called ‘Kill ’ . Wonder what that could mean?

Spencer: Probably why she tried to strangle you. Must be a Security feature or something .

Paul: Yeh probably. But why would a sex doll need a security mode? I’ll just disable it though. To be on the safe side……..All done

Spencer and Paul disconnect Gina from the mainframe and stare at her.

Spencer: What are we going to do with an advanced sex doll that will obey my every whim?

Paul just looks at Spencer.

We leave them staring at Gina the sex doll and cut to a room where people in long white coats are walking around purposefully. They are either scientists or dentists. However as there has been no indication previously that this is a movie about dentistry we can safely assume they are scientists.

We track one non-descript scientist as she walks across the room holding a tablet. She reaches a man who has his back to us.

“Professor. Someone has accessed the mainframe”

Menacingly he turns around. Even more menacingly he takes the tablet. With some additional menace you didn’t think possible because of all the menacing stuff he’s already he done he says ‘Who?’ menacingly.

Who could this menacing Professor be? Who? This and more will be revealed probably at some point.

Ghosts Annoy Her : A Netflix Pitch

As part of my Lockdown creativity I have been playing around with some digital art and also working on my epic movie pitch Super Sentient Sex Dolls From Saturn .

The other day I created something that looked reminiscent of a Netflix promo image and so as a one off Bonus pitch I would like to present to you GHOSTS ANNOY HER.

At first glance, Ghosts Annoy Her is a carbon copy of series such as Ghost Whisperer, Medium, Inbetween and Manifest, with supernatural forces guiding our main protagonist into helping people.

Usually in these shows the main character is suddenly hit with a curious apparition that he or she must decipher to either solve a crime or heal a family rift or some other heartwarming thing.

Most of the time these apparitions are cryptic. So for example there might be one where a bird falls from the sky followed by a load of fish. Apparently that means a fisherman is going to be in a plane crash and the main character has to stop him.

This is where Ghosts Annoy Her is different. Our MC – a woman in her twenties…alright she’s 30 but can so still pass for 25… doesn’t care about the apparitions and cannot be bothered to work out their cryptic meanings. She refuses to accept this is her calling or duty.

After a number of missed opportunities to stop a serial killer, reunite long lost brothers and provide closure for a number of grieving relatives, the other worldly ghost people send an envoy to have a word with our MC (this is after a number of apparitions telling her to get her shit together, which true to form she ignores).

Therefore the conflict in our series is not the MC wrestling with her calling and accepting the sacrifices she needs to make to help people but instead is centred around her arguments with the ghost envoy.

Ghost Envoy : Why have you not been answering the callings?

Main Character: You mean those weird images you keep sending?

GE: Yeh

MC: Cos they make no sense and I haven’t got time to sit around and work them out

GE: But they are there so you can help people

MC: Then just tell me rather than sending me stupid cryptic messages

GE: Well I think some are quite clear – like the wolf puking up casino chips clearly meant that a croupier at a casino was at risk of a stalker

MC: No it isn’t. The name of the croupier, the identity of the stalker and dates and times would be more helpful

GE: But..

MC: Just tell me what’s going to happen, sat nav directions to the place and I’ll go and sort that shit out in my lunch hour

GE: But it doesn’t work like that

MC: Well it should. If you can tell when something bad is about to happen you can also be a bit specific with details

Each episode will begin with a cryptic apparition followed by the inevitable ignoring of it by our MC. The ghost envoy getting increasingly frustrated pops up to tell her what it means and she goes and sorts it out.

Another trope of these types of series is that the MC normally hides their gift from others and doesn’t explain how he or she knows something.

Not our MC. She’s more than happy to shout out in a crowded shopping centre when she gets an apparition “Fuck Off with your annoying ghost shit”

Furthermore she is more than happy to reveal her sources.

MC: Right, Andrew Peterson of 98 Collingwood Drive is about to kill someone so you need to pop round there in an hour and arrest him before he does it

Detective: How do you know that?

MC: A really fucking annoying ghost told me

Detective (laughing): Yeh alright

MC: Look . You can believe me or not. It’s your job not mine. I’ve told you. Up to you what you do. Sees ya

And that is pretty much the entire format of the series. Reckon we could squeeze five or six seasons out of this.

Oh and to answer one question that has been raised – why do the spirits come to her. Simple, as a child she once ate a snail in the garden and this made her a conduit to the spirit world. All sorted. No plot holes

Super Sentient Sex Dolls From Saturn : Part Three

Part Two concluded with a sentient sex doll lowering herself to her knees in front of Spencer. She begins to unbuckle his trousers as she looks up at him.

Now Spencer is more than happy for all of this to happen. I get the more romantic of you are thinking hang on a moment isn’t he pining for his one true love, Becky. Surely, his love would mean he’d resist getting a blowjob from a strange naked woman that randomly turned up in his garage.

Well, look, if it makes it easier Spencer was only going to go upstairs and masturbate furiously to Becky’s Insta pics sooooo, you know.

Anyway, as the sentient sex doll is unfurling Spencer’s penis she looks up at him and says ‘I forgive you…..Matt’.

Spencer recoils and stutters ‘Why did you say that name?’ The Sex Doll cocks her head to one side (NB – this is a good cinematic trick because the cocking of the head clearly indicates that they are either an android, serial killer or if it’s an animated movie – a dog)

“Are you not Matt?” she asks.

“No! I’m Spencer….Matt was my Dad”

That’s right. Spencer is the son of Matt who you will recall from Part One was the horny astronaut who ended up crashing into the space station because he was preoccupied with the sex doll.

“Why did you say that name?” Spencer asks again. By now his erection is all but gone. Your lover erotically muttering the name of a dead relative would do that.

“Because you are Matt”

“No Matt was the name of my Father”

“He used to like me calling him Daddy as well”

A beam of red light shoots from her eye and scans Matt up and down. Cocking her head to one side (Android thinking pose) she says “But my DNA scanner says you are Matt…Perhaps my systems were damaged in the crash. I need to perform a full system scan”

And with that she shuts down. The glow in her eye disappears and she remains their motionless. Spencer circles her, curious as to what she actually is and as he admires her naked body he’s probably a little horny as well.

We follow Spencer as he attempts to get the sex doll from the garage to his bedroom whilst avoiding being caught by his Mother, whom has chosen that very moment to walk from room to room doing various chores. After much innuendo and near misses he reaches his room and places the sex doll on the bed.

Spencer checks out the sex doll once again and he’s definitely tempted but any possibility of anything happening is interrupted by the sound of stones being thrown at the window. He looks out and sees his best friend Paul, a nerd who likes to go by the online name of Havoc-P.

Spencer leans out the window and says “Dude, why you throwing stones at my window? Just FaceTime me like everyone else”

Paul replies “I tried you weren’t answering. And it’s games night – thought we could play UNO Extreme” (NB – nerds apparently like to play board games or something so this simple dialogue establishes that Spencer and Paul and nerdish.)

Spencer declines which makes Paul suspicious. I mean who could say no to an extreme version of UNO, right nerds? As Spencer is trying to get Paul to go away the sex doll’s red light shines, illuminating the room.

“What’s that?” asks Paul. Spencer says it’s nothing but Paul isn’t having any of it and after a failed attempt to climb up to the bedroom, he knocks on the front door and is let in by Spencer’s mum.

“Woaaa! Is that a sex doll??” Paul exclaims “I’m glad you’ve moved on from trying to get Becky to go out with you and accepted that this is your best opportunity of having sex.”

Paul leans in closer to examine the sex doll “This is some top quality tech. Must be one of those Japanese models. It’s so realistic. Have you tried it out?”

“No! I’m not sure what it…she…is. I think she might be from space or something. She knew my Dad”

“Your dad? The one who was an astronaut but died in a tragic space accident dead dad? What you think she might be an alien or maybe a cyborg?…. Hang on, what’s this?”

Paul notices a symbol on the inside of her wrist. “I’ve seen this before, amongst some tech my Dad has in the basement”

It’s decided they would take the sex doll to Paul’s house to investigate further. We have a scene of both Spencer with the assistance of Paul getting the motionless sex doll down the stairs while his mum is once again choosing to wander round every room they have to pass doing chores. Much hilarity ensues.

Finally they manage to get the sex doll out the house and hoist her over a bicycle and we leave them en route to Paul’s house as we revisit the crash site. There we see a mean looking man in a black suit and tie speaking into a radio.

“It’s definitely them. They’ve all gone. We may have a problem.”

They? There’s more than one? And why would a group of specially designed sex dolls be a problem? And where are they?

Stay tuned for Part 4 when I may or may not address any of that.

Super Sentient Sex Dolls From Saturn : Part Two

Following on from the epic flashback/montage opening the movie settles down as we are transported not to some distant planet but instead to some place in America. A nice pleasant suburb like the one that Marty McFly grew up in. Alternatively, we can set in England like Basingstoke or Margate.

We meet Spencer, fresh out of college and still lives with his mum. He’s cute but shy and fancies this girl but is too nervous to do anything. ….. (Look, I’m not aiming for any sort of originality with this character.)

Obviously you’re all wondering how we went from an astronaut crashing into a space station while copulating with a sex doll to some guy fresh out of a teen romance movie. Well the two will be linked in a very subtle way as Spencer gets home and is confronted with his mum looking angry and brandishing an envelope.

Mum: What is this?

Spencer: Mum!! Jeez have you been opening my mail? I’m not a child

Mum: This letter is from NASA! Why would NASA be writing to you? You know how I feel about NASA! Your father was killed during that incident with the space station and it’s a good job that they abandoned their stupid program and dumped all those strange dolls in space when they sent that probe to monitor Saturn.

See? Seamless.

Now Spencer is none too pleased about his mum opening his post so he storms out and goes into town on a skateboard or bike or something. If it were a musical he’d being singing a song while pedalling away about how he just wants to be treated like an adult.

But it’s not. However, for what it’s worth, if it were there would be a line in it that went:-

You may make my toast, but that don’t mean you can open my post. Ooooohhh just let me be me.

Anyway, when he is in town he goes to the local Cafe and sulks over a milkshake. Also in the Cafe is the girl who he fancies but she’s hanging with all the cool kids led by Dean who is clearly a dick.

Spencer is alone at the table fiddling with a NASA pendant that was his father’s. In case anyone watching thinks Dean with his chiseled good looks and wonderful abs isn’t a dick he’s gonna do something dickish right now.

He grabs the pendant from Spencer and holds it up to the rest of the gang while saying “Oooh what a pretty necklace” to the over the top howling approval of his cock comrades.

Spencer asks him to give it back but Dean still wishing to drive home the fact he’s a dick holds it up and goads Spencer to come and take it. Spencer tries to take it but Dean pats him away with his hand and Spencer falls over the table, landing on the floor covered in milkshake. More unnecessarily exaggerated howling ensues from Dean’s Gang Of Dicks.

The Gang run out the cafe laughing with Head Dick Dean still carrying the pendant. Except not all the gang leave. One person stays, the girl of his dreams and she is called Becky.

She kneels down and wipes the milkshake off him. Becky tells Spencer that what Dean did was wrong and she will get his pendant back. There’s a real tender moment here. He loves her and perhaps she loves him too.

Of course we could make it a little creepy by inserting an earlier scene of Spencer knocking one out to Becky’s Instagram posts and when she is telling him she will retrieve the pendant he was so looking down her top at her cleavage. But for now let’s keep it tender and sweet.

She leaves to rejoin the Gang Of Dicks and we also leave Spencer to be transported to a NASA facility where some generic technician is staring bored at a screen when suddenly an unexpected dot begins.

He says ‘What the?!’ to indicate this flashing dot was both unexpected and important. He taps furiously on the keyboard while staring intently at the screen, begging the question why NASA hasn’t invested in touch screen technology or at least the ability to point and click with a mouse.

Generic technician picks up the phone and says ‘Sir. You’re gonna want to see this’

Keeping the mystery going we do not find out what the generic technician wanted someone to see (it may very well have been a photo of his penis he took in the bathroom). Instead we are back with Spencer and he is on the roof of his house being all broody….. or just recalling the sight of Becky’s cleavage… it’s one of them.

As he stares all angsty into the sky suddenly there is a bright light and a ball of fire shoots through the sky landing with a large explosion in a nearby park.

Instinctively, Spencer hops down from the roof and decided to investigate. He cycles or takes his space hopper to the park where a crowd of people including the emergency services all hover round a crater that has formed in the middle of the park.

If the CGI budget allows we can show the fireball crashing into the park and in the 4K version you can see it landing on a couple having sex – legit I can build a whole back story for these tragic lovers.

Spencer cannot see what is inside the crater because he is blocked by an over officious Police Officer. We see him being moved away from a different POV implying someone is watching him. But who?

He looks over at the crowds who have gathered and sees Dean and his Gang Of Dicks. Dean taunts him by holding up his pendant before sticking his finger up and running off laughing. Becky lingers and shrugs her shoulders with a sympathetic smile. Spencer feels sad, maybe because of his unrequited love for Becky or because he can’t see her cleavage from a distance. It’s one of them.

We follow Spencer home from that mysterious ‘ you’re being watched’ POV. As he is putting his bike, skateboard or pogo stick away he hears a noise in the dark corner of the garage. “Hello? Who’s there?” he calls out as he grabs a crowbar to investigate.

Emerging from the gloom a woman appears. Completely naked with a mysterious glow in her eye. She slowly walks towards Spencer who drops the crowbar out of shock or just sheer horniness.

Face to face with Spencer this mysterious woman says “I forgive you” as she slowly lowers herself to her knees.

Here ends Part Two. More to come in Part Three or we could just skip to Part Six for the bantz.

Super Sentient Sex Dolls From Saturn – Part One

You ready for another epic Movie Pitch? Then let’s do it. (By the way that was a rhetorical question because I am doing this whether you want to or not).

So with thrill and excitement still buzzing in your beautiful mind, settle down as the second movie from OfSelina begins.

Now we have a lot to cover in the opening such as how or indeed why are there sex dolls on Saturn. No doubt there will be much chuntering in the cinema about whether these sex dolls are super and sentient or if they are super sentient? And if the latter what does that even mean? Well, who knows and by the end of this … who cares?

So to cram a shed load of back story into a very short period of time we adopt a time honoured Cinematic ploy of Flashback and Montage….

First the flashback. The movie opens with a wide shot of space because, after all, this is a science fiction movie and nothing says Sci-Fi like stars and shit.

‘International Space Station – Sometime Ago’

We meet an unnamed generic astronaut moving through the space station looking for ‘Steve’. A cool continuous shot of him just floating around asking anyone he meets if they have seen Steve. They all shake their heads with one asking ‘Who is Steve?’

Eventually we are introduced to the mysterious Steve who is in the toliet….. masturbating wildly.

(NB Long time sufferers who follow me and have read CONFESSIONS will know that Steve is the name of my ex. I want to make it clear for legal reasons that I am not implying in any subtle way that he is and always will be a wanker. Clear? Cool, back to the story.)

In his haste to masturbate Steve has forgotten to lock the door and unnamed generic astronaut opens it just at the moment of ejaculation causing Steve to fall forward and the consequence of his fervent wrist action flies out. Because there is no gravity we see his jizz escape through the door and it travels the same route that unnamed spaceman had taken. This journey of Steve’s Semen will be one continuous shot as people duck out of the way to avoid the cum’s commute in zero gravity.

This piece of steadicam sauciness will last precisely one second longer than the continuous shot from Goodfellas – just for the bantz. It’ll be cool if in years to come, movie scholars will argue whether Goodfellas or Sentient Sex Dolls is the greatest continuous shot in cinematic history. They will eventually settle on Sentient Sex Dolls being the greatest continuous money shot.

It is also a very crucial plot point. Because as they follow Steve’s jizz the viewer will immediately be struck by the realisation that this is just more than a string of cum, it’s the epitome of the butterfly effect. As we watch it land onto sensitive machinery causing an explosion that tears open the space station you will understand that all of what is about to happen begun by one lonely man knocking one out in the toilet. This rope of semen becomes more of an existential odyssey than Kubrick’s 2001 could ever hope to be.

As the space station explodes the Main Titles begin playing out to a montage of what happens next. We are treated to clips of senate hearings and news reports about the destructive qualities of masturbating astronauts.

Reports of other space calamities caused by Spaceman semen occur and the future of our exploration beyond the stars is under threat. A solution to this epidemic is needed and quick.

A Senator suggests sending women instead but a NASA official replies “Do you know how much it would cost to kit them out in those shiny short skirts and thigh high boots?’

Eventually a group of scientists happen upon an idea – send specially constructed sex dolls to accompany the astronauts.

We cut to the President of the United States announcing that Sex Dolls will solve the Astronaut masturbating crisis. Now, a few years ago a President on the lawn of the White House talking about sex dolls in space would seem implausible but now?…Maybe not so much.

It is as the opening credits conclude that the viewer joins a particular band of intrepid and no longer sexually frustrated astronauts as they journey to the newly built Space Station.

In the cockpit is Matt. Quick back story Matt is the younger brother of Steve the wanker. This is revealed by some clever dialogue between Matt and the Control Centre.

Control: Okay Matt. Now comes the tricky part. You’ll need to concentrate for the link up. Clear your mind. Don’t think about the fact that your family was disgraced because of your brother Steve’s persistent masturbation addiction which caused an entire space station to explode.

We also know Matt is married with a kid. He looks up at two photos he has hanging from the cockpit. One a photo of his wife and child smiling by a tree and the other photo a more saucier one of his wife in lingerie. It is the latter that Matt stares at and with the sound of Control telling him to concentrate he turns to look at one of the sex dolls that accompanies him in the cockpit.

Maybe he has time for just a quick one?

He grabs the sex doll and begins wild lovemaking. The scene plays out with Matt lost in lust adopting all manner of sex positions all to the sounds of lights flashing, alarms, screaming and the increasingly irritated voice of Control.

What’s happening Matt?

Matt? Concentrate

Matt, are you fucking the Sex Doll?

Someone needs to get in there and disassemble that sex doll. Jeez this whole family are just wankers.

As the sex doll is riding Matt to a climax he looks over her shoulder through the cockpit window to witness the craft about to collide with the space station.

Matt’s final words are ‘Ooooh Fuck. Forgive me’.

Wide shot of the space station exploding. Probably if the CGI budget is tight can just use the same shot of the first station exploding but flip the image or something.

And that concludes the opening. Now you might think there’s a lot of throwaway stuff in there but all what you have witnessed will be relevant as the rest of the movie unfolds. Probably.

I know you have questions. How do the Sex Dolls end up on Saturn? So are they going to be Super and Sentient or just Super Sentient? And, you really are doing this aren’t you?

As always all these questions and more will be answered in a tightly woven plot with zero holes in it at all.

And yes whilst I haven’t actually explained how these Sex Dolls end up being from Saturn I have managed in the opening scene to put them vaguely yet plausibly in space during a montage which was pretty cool.

Stay Tuned for more Super Sentient Sex Dolls From Saturn

The Mystery Of Selina : A Confessions Tale

It was not the waking up in a strange bed that surprised me. That had become such a regular occurrence it had become more of a surprise to find myself in my own bed.

Neither was it the immediate realisation I was naked nor the thumping reminder of how much alcohol I had drank. These had all become my usual ritual of the morning after the night before.

I slowly turned around and willed myself to open my eyes and face whoever it was I would be regretting sleeping with this week.

I was already planning my exit strategy as I finally opened my eyes, hoping that whoever it was beside me was still asleep so I could sneak out and avoid the awkwardness of any further encounter with him.

Except it wasn’t a him it was a her.

And it wasn’t just any her; it was Mel, one of my best friends.

And she was just as naked and surprised as I was.

For a moment there was a beautiful sense of normality. I whispered a pleasant ‘Good Morning’ before snuggling into my pillow, closing my eyes pleased I would not have to make an early morning exit.

The brief tranquility was interrupted first by Mel enquiring loudly “Why the fuck are we naked?” followed quickly by the thumping headache, a reminder of the alcohol consumed and likely the answer to Mel’s question.

I opened my eyes, squinting as the morning light, invading through a gap in the curtain, decided it would make my headache feel that little bit worse. Mel was sitting up, completely naked, a perplexed look on her face.

Her impatience to know the answer to the burning question ‘Why the fuck were we naked’ prompted her to shake me. Clearly she thought I could solve this riddle but one look at my confused face showed I was as clueless as she was.

There was nothing unusual with us sleeping together. As one of my best friends we had often shared a bed but it had always been whilst relatively clothed and only ever to sleep. This time it was different.

Mel and I had become a lot closer of late, the only two remaining members of The Feisty Feline Fellowship that still went out on a regular basis. Pixie was often travelling abroad with work and Pru was busy planning her wedding with her Doctor fiancé.

It was Pru’s transformation into Bridezilla that led Mel and I to start taking road trips to avoid her. Pru had told us very clearly that we wouldn’t be part of the bridal party.

“I have lots of sisters you understand” she explained. We were more than happy with this arrangement and pleased we could just turn up at the wedding with zero responsibility and get drunk.

Yet Pru had started feeling guilty about our lack of involvement and was trying to find roles for us. This led to us avoiding her in the hope that our unreliability would preclude us from any part to play in this wedding.

It was during one of these Operation: Avoid Pru road trips that Mel and I had awoken together in the same bed, naked.

“Why the fuck we naked?!” Mel persisted in knowing the answer to this question as if, that riddle alone, would unlock the memory of the night before that was lost in a haze of alcohol.

I looked back at her, our eyes locked in a lingering glance as we silently contemplated the most likely possibility.

By now my attraction to the same sex was firmly established and whilst Mel had never previously shown any such inclination our bond had grown stronger.

We were more flirtatious with each other, sexual innuendo laced our conversation, kisses and hugs became more frequent.

Although I couldn’t recall having any sexual desire towards Mel perhaps it had always been there laying deep in my subconscious. With each road trip maybe we grew closer and closer, our attraction intensifying until neither of us could resist anymore.

The previous night was the culmination of years of repressed desire. Our blissful union confirmed in a budget room at the Travelodge.

As I stared into Mel’s bleary but beautiful eyes I wondered if she felt the same. That a sexual encounter between two friends needn’t be awkward but the start of something even more magical.

“Oh Fuck!! Do you think we had sex?”

Or maybe not.

I took a sip from the previous nights water which tasted stale as I attempted to put my friend’s mind at rest.

“I doubt we had sex sweetie” I replied, trying to sound as certain as I could.

“Really? Cos I can’t remember and you can’t remember and why would we be naked and have each other’s hands on our…” Mel was starting to sound a bit manic and paced around the bed.

“The sheets!” she exclaimed as she pulled back the sheet I was still under.

“Easy tiger! I mean if you want to go again” I joked which was not fully appreciated by Mel “What are you doing sweetie?”

“If we had sex there would be….evidence ” she explained.

And there we were, early in the morning, heads thumping staring intently at the crumpled sheets of a bed.

“We need one of those blue lights” said Mel “Y’know like they use in CSI”

“I don’t think we have one of those sweetie” I replied “But I don’t think we really want to be shining blue lights onto the bed of a budget hotel!”

Mel looked a little disappointed that we did not possess a light that would reveal sexual fluid on sheets; she even checked her phone to see if there was a suitable app.

She seemed obsessed with finding out if we had sex or not. I was unsure if this was because it was something she always wanted to do and now regretted that alcohol will forever prevent her from recalling that special moment. Alternatively, she was just horrified that two best mates appeared to have had drunken lesbian sex.

Either way I concluded that little would be achieved just staring at a bed and suggested we get dressed and go down to get some breakfast, my stomach was threatening to release the previous night’s alcohol if it didn’t get some bacon.

“Where are our clothes?” said Mel , seemingly determined to only communicate in questions.

As with her previous enquiry of whether we had sex I equally had no answer to the location of our clothing.

Our road trips are normally spontaneous and so we travel very light. We had been wearing the only clothes we had with us, which had just vanished. A search round the tiny room showed no trace of us ever possessing any clothing.

“What are we going to do?” More questions from Mel “We are naked and have no clothes!”

It was difficult to think straight having to contend with a panicky Mel and a bacon obsessed stomach threatening to rebel. I offered the only suggestion I could think of.

“Look the car is just outside. I say we checkout from here and make a run for it. There’s probably some old gym clothes in the car, we can wear them”

I smiled at Mel quite happy with the plan I had thought of despite so many distractions.

“Selina we are on the fourth floor!”

I was too busy fumbling the remote to checkout to respond to a clear flaw in my plan. Within a few moments something else was bothering me more than the practicalities of a naked run to the car park.

“Sweetie. When did we order porn?”

Mel joined me and looked at the TV which clearly displayed our bill and the four porn films we apparently ordered. She slowly mouthed the titles of the porn, looking at me after each one; at least it distracted her from our naked-lost-clothes-possibly-also-had-sex predicament.

“You must have ordered them” she concluded.

“How is it me” I replied “I’ve been with you the entire time!”

Whilst the over indulgence on porn was another weird twist it still remained the least of our worries. Yet naked, no clothes and still yearning for bacon I suddenly had an idea.

“Bathroom!” I exclaimed.

Mel smiled “Yes we probably took our clothes off in the bathroom.”

I was going to suggest we just take the towels, wrap them around us and pretend that we’ve been to the swimming pool as we walk through the hotel. My plan did rely on other guests and staff not to realise this hotel did not have pool. Therefore Mel’s suggestion our clothes were located in the bathroom seemed a much better idea. I watched as she padded quickly to the bathroom.

When she opened the door and turned on the light the room was absent of our clothes (although two large towels were clearly there for me to instigate Plan B).

Yet despite the revelation that our clothes were missing Mel was significantly more concerned with the body she found in our bathtub.

“Do you think he’s dead?” she asked , her voice wavering slightly

“Well, he’s laying face down in a bathtub and not moving so it’s a possibility.” I replied

We both stood at the edge of the doorway staring at this lifeless male body. He was about 6ft, scraggily hair and was clothed in a dressy shirt and skinny trousers, his feet were bare and hung over the lip of the bathtub.

We returned to the bedroom and processed this new twist to our strange morning. My stomach frustrated over the lack bacon now conspired with my bladder, but I had no desire to pee next to a dead guy.

“Call your dad” suggested Mel “I bet he knows how to get rid of a body”.

I stared through the crack in the curtain as my brain worked through this new event. Was he dead and if so did we kill him?

There was no blood anywhere and so the only violence that happened in this room is the assault on my brain that thumped hard. I would have mentioned that to Mel but she’d only be wanting to get a new CSI light to scour the room with…just to be sure.

Maybe we strangled him. Perhaps on this eventful road trip not only did Mel and I declare our love for each other but also our burning hatred of all Men. We lured that poor soul to our room before strangling him with our clothes, burning the evidence and then horny with vengeful lust Mel and I had passionate sex.

Or maybe he simply wasn’t dead.

“Go and give him a nudge” I suggested to Mel

“I’m not touching him” Mel protested.

“Just find something to poke him with then” I snapped back, my head and stomach roaring in union.

Mel looked around the room and unable to find anything suitable opted for the collection of tea and coffee sachets which she threw one at a time at the body. Unsurprisingly, an Earl Grey teabag does not raise the dead.

I continued to stare out the window, I needed to think but my head and stomach was making it impossible. A coffee may have helped but presently my ability to make one now lay under a dead body.

Then something caught my eye outside. A possible clue to this mystery we have found ourselves in.

“Hey sweetie” I called out to Mel “I’ve found our clothes.”

Mel joined me at the window as we spotted our clothing on the tarmac four floors below, except my bra which was dangling impressively from a branch of a tree.

“Why are they out there?” asked Mel “What is going on Selina?”

“I may be able to help with that”

We turned to see the dead guy standing in front of us. And he was talking. And he wasn’t dead.

“I met you two at a club” the Not-Dead guy began to explain “You were being very flirty with each other, dancing and….”

“Dude I want to hear this story but our eyes are not down there”

“Sorry” Not-Dead Guy continued “So you two were flirting…..”

“Or there!!!”

“Anyway you saw me looking and you came over and we got talking. We had a few drinks and then you (looking at Mel) asked if I wanted to come back to your room.

You (looking at me) said I would have the greatest night of my life. So we went back to your room and you started kissing each other and made me watch as you did a striptease, throwing your clothes out the window.

Then you said you wanted to make my dreams come true and asked if I watched porn. You turned on the TV and asked me to pick a porn film promising you would recreate every scene, all in this room with me.”

“Dude you ordered FOUR porn films!”

“I couldn’t make my mind up. Anyway once the film started you kinda just said you were sleepy and said I could carry on watching the porn if I wanted.”

I looked at Mel who seemed a little ashamed of our antics. A feeling of regret now joined my hunger and need to urinate. Such events did not faze me, it was who I was. But had I broken a golden rule and dragged my friend into my dangerous, dirty lifestyle?

“Anyway, it was getting late and I couldn’t get a cab so I just went and slept in the bath. Hope that was okay?”

Not-Dead Guy finished his explanation and then lingered in the hope that we may still give him what we had drunkenly promised the night before. However, the look on our faces clearly indicated that would not be happening.

“I guess I’ll be going” he said rather sorrowfully and began to move towards the door.

Not-Dead Guy seemed really nice. He was attractive and respectful, there’s not many guys like that around so just maybe…

“Hey sweetie” I called out after him, he turned with a look of anticipation on his face “You wouldn’t mind going downstairs and getting our clothes would you?”