The Chastity Of Selina

Epiphanies.

They’re a wonderful thing. That blissful sense of realisation that sweeps across us bringing much needed clarity; a bright light that breaks through the darkness which has kept us static for so long.

They can happen often and occur when we least expect it, whether it be while walking the dog , having a shower or just commuting to work.

My particular epiphany happened to occur at quite an awkward moment; it was whilst on my knees. As much as I would like to say I was praying for some divine intervention the reality was quite different.

Although I may have mumbled ‘God just hurry up’ , it was not directed at some omnipotent higher power but instead to the guy who had spent the good part of ten minutes happily, albeit disappointingly, thrusting into my mouth.

He had positioned ourselves in front of a full length mirror and was engaged in some exaggerated hip swivelling punctuated by husky moans of ‘yeh’ that made me wonder if he had asthma.

You want me to massage your balls or just pass you your inhaler

It was a cheeky curiosity that made me look in the mirror. This was not the first time I had indulged in some reflective randiness and I was used to seeing who stared back.

It was Her….Lina. It was always Her. That lustful thirst of hers never satisfied.

Yet strangely on this occasion when I looked it wasn’t her… it was me; and I didn’t like it, not one single bit.

I immediately pushed the guy away releasing his saliva coated cock from my mouth and stood up.

“What the fuck!” he exclaimed.

“Yeh. We’re done. I’m going home” I replied

“But I’m not finished”

I walked towards the door and turned towards him “Ain’t my problem. Have a wank and stop moaning”.

I left to the sounds of him calling me a bitch, whore and a slut. Names I’d been called so many times they hardly registered anymore.

Now I would love to say this is the end of the story. Conclude this final, yet brief confession with the words “And Selina realised the error of her ways and became a Nun. She was last seen living on a mountain in Switzerland having probably saved some kids from Nazis.”

Yet that’s not how it ends. Far from it. My brain, clearly harbouring some ambition to be a Reality TV host chose my journey home to show me my ‘Best Bits’.

A carefully edited compilation of every quickie, tug and suck before returning to the studio for comment. My only reply was ‘No that was Lina’. A preposterous excuse that was starting to wear thin.

By the time I got home my brain had changed from TV Host to Annoying Friend Who Wants To Tell You Everything You Did On A Drunken Night.

As I drifted in and out of conscious they were there perched on the edge of my bed.

And then there was time you did this.

When I woke in the morning with a heavy head it followed me round my flat

And what about when you….

I was due to pop round to my friend’s Pru house for coffee. Whilst I contemplated cancelling I thought perhaps listening to her drone on about the renovations she had just completed in her house would prevent my brain from pulling out the bell of shame.

Blowjobs – SHAME!

Handjobs – SHAME!

Quickies up against the side of the chip shop – SHAME!

Whatever it was you were doing at that club – SHAME!

With my head full of painful fog, as if all my hangovers had returned for a repeat performance, I wearily made my way round to Pru’s house.

I must have not been looking my best when I arrived because the moment she saw me she asked “Are you okay?”

I gave the automatic response of saying I was fine. It was my default setting like my very own Out of Office response.

I’m sorry Selina is not available right now she’s presently in turmoil as the fabric of her fragile life unravels but she wants you to know she’s doing just fine. Please leave a message after the primal scream.

Normally, my friends would just accept my short declaration that I was fine and we would get on with our day. I am certain they didn’t believe it for a second and would try and tease it out of me by sporadically asking me again but my wall was up and standing firm.

However, this time, it was different. As I gave my stock answer of ‘I’m fine’ I made eye contact with Pru, whose expression was one of sympathy tinged with a school mistress ‘I ain’t falling for that bullshit anymore’ look.

Did she know? Was seeing her new duck egg bathroom a ruse for some intervention?When I walked in would all my ex-lovers be sat there ready to pass judgement? Is that why she got an extension done?

Whatever the reason as I held Pru’s gaze the wall came tumbling down and I cried. A lot.

While Pru and I are best friends she is also the one I have clashed with the most. We are two totally different people. She is organised, precise and graceful. It had been a regular topic of discussion as to how someone as chaotic as I could form an ever lasting friendship with her. I guess we just balance out the universe.

She was also a qualified psychiatrist and despite her best efforts to avoid doing it we often found ourselves being psychoanalysed.

“Selina do you think your desire for another gin is to mask some deep rooted issue stemming from your childhood’

“Pru you always do this . It’s your round. Get the fucking drinks in”

However, for once, I was glad I knew a psychiatrist. As I embarked on telling her my sordid tale I was unsure whether I was speaking with Pru the Psychiatrist or Pru the Friend but she listened. Occasionally she would steer the conversation with an odd question and I did see her write stuff down, although unsure what it said.

Buy more paint for the hallway

Get a new friend

I told her everything; about my over bearing compulsion I had to engage in sexual activity, how it made me feel and, of course, about Lina. It felt weird to be saying this all out loud and even as I heard myself talk my brain chimed in with ‘Oh you are fucking crazy’.

To her credit Pru was thankfully not judgemental. She never once interrupted me with a ‘what the fuck!’. She didn’t suddenly wrestle me to the ground and shove a crucifix in my face chanting ‘The Lord beseech you leave this girl’.

When I finally finished, my eyes red from crying and my voice hoarse, Pru calmly wrote on a piece of paper and handed it to me.

“I’m going to suggest a colleague of mine sees you” she said

“What for” I replied

“I think you are bipolar” she said, rather matter-of-factly.

“Well I’m bisexual so it makes sense. I am learning a new language to get the full set” I replied with a smile, which quickly disappeared when met with Pru’s stern expression.

“This is serious Sel. I believe you also have what is known as Hypersexuality”

“Oooh sounds like a superpower” I joked but stopped from exploring the possibility I may be one of the X-Men by a look from Pru.

“But why do I have to see someone else? Why can’t you help me?”

Having asked the question I then paid no attention to the answer, preoccupied with the revelation I had some weird sexual compulsion.

Anyhow Pru’s reasoning was ‘something something I wouldn’t take it seriously something something too close something something conflict of interest something something’

However, I persisted “Pru I’m not going to talk to a stranger. I will listen to you. I promise. Just help me. Please. Tell me what to do”

She cocked her head to one side sympathetically “Well firstly you should stop seeing that side of you….this Lina… as a completely different person.”

“So setting up a Twitter account for her was a bad idea?”

Something something dissociative

“And you need to stop engaging in any sexual activity”

“Done” I replied boldly without much thought “Easy peasy. The virtuous life of a virgin from here on in for me.”

“And that goes for masturbation too”

“Fuck off Pru!”

“See! This is why you need to see my colleague” she exclaimed.

“I’d tell him to fuck off as well. What about a little masturbation?”

“Sel!”

“No toys. Just fingers. A little play”

“Sel!”

“A quick rub? No sexy thoughts I’ll just rely on friction”

“SELINA!! I think we are getting a little distracted by discussing masturbation”

“You were the one who brought it up. It does mean I’ll have to cancel my Catwoman comics subscription now…..”

Something something you’re definitely seeing my colleague.

When I left Pru’s house (after an extended farewell to check we were still friends) I felt good. A weight had certainly been lifted. The dark fog that had circled in my mind had cleared. I had purpose, a new start and for the first time ever I felt I was in control.

My mood was a complete juxtaposition to how I begun the morning. I put my earphones in and scrolled through my phone to play some music.

That morning the music was simply a tool to drown out the storm that raged in my mind, but now it was a compliment to my mood. A soundtrack to celebrate a new start. I scrolled through the playlists and settled on some random Pop. I laid my head back on the seat of the train and closed my eyes as Don’t You (Forget About Me) played.

In the days that followed life was good. I woke each morning feeling elated and that stayed with me throughout the day. Pru still checked in on me, a psychological halfway house before I could meet with her colleague.

Something something Bipolar something something manic something something moods

I’d even started to question if I needed to see her colleague at all and went about my life as if the events that had culminated in me sobbing in a heap in my friend’s newly installed kitchen were very much a thing of the past.

I had made a few changes to my lifestyle. I no longer went out drinking every day after work and when I went out with my besties I found myself leaving early. Pru would always be the first to leave and often we just wave her off before declaring this is where the real fun can begin. But I found myself getting up with her and announcing that I may have an early night.

Oddly, it was this behaviour that prompted my friend Mel to ask me if I was okay. Clearly, my vacant expression, the tired look and disappearing off with random strangers had not previously been a cause of concern for her.

I even begun to not go out every weekend and stayed in to have what I declared to be ‘Me Time’ although absent the masturbation which I continued to argue with Pru is something I should be doing.

Then one Friday night I was sat alone in my flat, half watching Netflix and half congratulating myself with solving my mental health issues with zero therapy and medication when I suddenly received an unexpected visit. A visit from a most unwelcome guest who I had assumed had permanently gone.

Let’s Go Out And Play!

Lina’s arrival surprised me. Normally she appeared accompanied by a cacophony of noise as if she was emerging from the very bowels of hell riding a chariot. There was little that was subtle about her but I had been too wrapped up in premature self congratulations to hear her triumphant return.

I’m horny. Let’s find someone

I tried to ignore her but she persisted. Her demands would cut through the sound of the TV I turned up to try and drown her out.

Her piercing demands echoed around in my head bringing with it the darkness that Lina bathed in. I knew what she wanted and I knew she would not stop until she got it.

Let’s go find someone. You’ll feel better.

I felt deflated. The sound of her in my head a depressing reminder that I couldn’t win. She’d always be there.

This is how it was. How it’s always been. Lina holding my head hostage until she got what she desired. Despite my new beginnings I knew I did not have the strength to defeat her and contemplated relenting, after all what harm could be caused by just allowing her to have that one final carnal feast.

I didn’t even really have to move, one text and I could have the appropriate suitor for Lina at my door. I could hear her purr in anticipation as she encouraged me to scroll through my phone.

She salivated like someone choosing their ideal takeaway;

Not that one – we want it dirty

No we had an Indian the other week

How about a mixed starter for variety?

As I delayed giving Lina what she wanted a glimmer of an idea shone meekly through the darkness that swirled inside my head. Maybe I could beat her? But I needed confirmation it would work.

I stopped scrolling through my contacts and pressed call. But it was not to summons a horny guy who would satisfy Lina, instead it was to speak to someone who Lina absolutely despised.

“Hey Pru… sorry to trouble you. Do you have a moment”

“A little busy Sel. It’s our anniversary and we are having a get together”

“Oh sorry to disturb but ….. Wait ….. you’re having a party and I wasn’t invited?”

Something something you slept with my brother-in-law something something his wife is there

“Anyway” I continued “I’m gonna masturbate. Just checking that’s cool. Gotta go. Bye. Oh…. Happy Anniversary”

I tossed the phone and laid back on the sofa and let my hand slide down my body, my fingers slipping inside my panties. I let out an instinctive moan as my finger tips touched my clit, embracing it like I was welcoming back an old friend.

I closed my eyes and let my fingers explore between my legs with the same enthusiasm as a dog let off a leash on an open field.

Throughout my self exploration I could feel Lina, on top of me, her nails dug deep into my breasts leaning over and offering alternatives to what could currently be inside me other than my fingers.

Whenever I heard her voice demanding to be fed I dove my fingers deeper inside.

Satisfy Me

I moved my other hand between my legs and began furiously rubbing my clit whilst my other disappeared deep inside me.

Not like this. Let’s do it properly.

I closed my eyes tight and tried to block out Lina but even the damp slapping of my fingers working away between my legs seemed to be on her side, calling out her lusty demand.

Let’s Fuck. Let’s Fuck. Let’s Fuck.

I could feel my orgasm begin to build up. It would not be a climax to a wonderful fantasy, I had resolved this would be the conclusion to a nightmare. As my body begun to shudder this was to be my final act of defiance against Lina. She was not getting what she wants. Not tonight. Not ever.

The increase of my arousal acted as a shield to Lina’s onslaught. I was in a place that I rarely visited, a pleasure palace where only I can be. Lina dug her nails deeper into my breasts, desperately trying to pull me out of this horny haven and into her domain of depravity. But with every pinch of my erect nipple I countered by pushing my fingers deeper inside me. I writhed on the sofa as this horny tug of war continued.

With a few final wet advances of my finger I let out a roar…. a huge Fuck You Lina shriek… I shook as I absorbed this defiant orgasm, sending electric pulses throughout my body to finally cleanse me of all things Lina.

I laid still on the sofa, wet, exhausted, breathing deeply. It was silent. Blissful silence. No darkness invaded my mind. It was over. Lina was gone. She was finally gone.

So we’re going out to fuck now?

Bollocks! Plan B – offer Lina out for a fight in a junk yard.

The intensity of my orgasm had left me drained. I rolled wearily off the sofa And precariously padded to the bedroom flopping face first onto the bed.

Lina was there, perched on the edge still repeating over and over her demands. But I was too tired to listen.

Something Something hard from behind

Rather than leaving me susceptible to her insistence my exhaustion gave me the unexpected power to ignore her. As I closed my eyes I resolved I would ignore her tomorrow, and the day after and the day after that. The only flaw in my plan was whether I would have to continuously masturbate myself into oblivion each time. That might get awkward.

I am interested about switching energy supplier but can you just wait there while I go aggressively masturbate otherwise this could end up with us having reckless sex.

Before I welcomed the solitude of sleep my brain offered a solution. Normally it was my worst enemy but feeling sorry for me it offered one final moment of clarity, a simple declaration that it had always been an ally. My mind presented to me the conclusion to the epiphany that had begun on my knees sucking some undeserved penis.

You are Lina

That night when I had looked in the mirror I was reminded that I was Lina. But I hadn’t fully appreciated the final part, the bit where I released the cock from my mouth, stood up and walked away. I chose to do that.

I chose.

It was the absent conclusion that had been shrouded in shame for so long but now rose shining brightly in my mind.

I am You.

Lina’s voice drifted away as my eyes became heavy. In the silence that remained lingered a simple realisation. I don’t have to listen to her anymore.

I am Selina………And I am in control.

************

EXT. A BAR IN LONDON – NIGHT

It is raining. The glow of the bar sign reflects off a puddle in the road which is disturbed when a black cab drives past. We see two people run towards the entrance of the bar , their long coats pulled over their heads to shield them from the rain. As they open the door to bar the low hum of the patrons inside can be briefly heard.

INT. BAR – NIGHT

We move in between the people standing in the bar. It is busy. The majority are dressed in business attire indicating they have just left work for a drink. There is no music just the consistent din of chatter and laughter.

We reach the corner of the bar where we find SELINA , 29 , blonde, cockney, sitting on a stool. She is smartly dressed, her hair is slightly wet indicating that she has not long been there. Her nylon legs are crossed, her heels tapping against the leg of the stool. She sips on a gin and tonic as she studies her phone, smirking as if she had just tweeted something non-sensical for attention.

Her attention is drawn to RANDOM GUY, mid twenties , staggeringly attractive who is stood next to her waiting to be served. They make eye contact and she smiles at him.

RANDOM GUY

What do you have to do to get served here?

SELINA

Showing them your tits helps I find

Random Guy smiles a handsome smile

RANDOM GUY

I might go somewhere that’s a little easier to get served. Don’t suppose you want to join me?

Selina smiles and stares into the ridiculously handsome eyes of Random Guy. She delays her answer.

SELINA

Nah. Thank you but I am with someone. Will you excuse me?

We watch as Selina stands up, swigs down the remainder of her drink and we follow her as she walks towards the Ladies Toilet.

INT. BAR – LADIES TOILETSNIGHT

We see Selina standing at the sinks applying lipstick in the mirror. Another woman finishes washing her hands before leaving the toilet talking loudly with her friend. Selina is alone.

She looks down as she puts her lipstick back in her handbag. She looks back up into the mirror and stares cheekily at her reflection.

SELINA

You shut the fuck up!

~Fin~

The Deal of Selina 

It was inevitable that I would have sex with Keith.

Firstly, ever since bumping into me, he had shown the requisite interest which, in recent times, had been enough to allow any man between my legs.

Secondly, following my failed encounter with the young guy in the toilet cubicle I had felt that burning compulsion to have sex.  I needed it. Not for any pleasure but to restore the numbness before those dark storm clouds once again consumed me.

Such was this need I did not care that Keith was twice my age. It had gotten to the stage in the frenzied feeding of my compulsion that I was willing to not be that picky.

Not that there was much wrong with Keith.  The grey flecks in his hair gave him that distinguished look and whilst time was starting to show on his lined face he was clearly quite handsome. I just hoped his cock worked. I had given a clear indication at least 30 minutes beforehand that we would be having sex in case he needed to go take a little blue pill.

By the end of the night I was inside his luxurious flat and he was inside me. It was a passionate encounter with Keith a mixture of enthusiasm and hesitancy. It was as if one part of his brain refused to accept that he was having sex with a much younger pretty girl. The other half seemed to be unsure whether he should be doing anything different.

Whether chemically induced or not he was hard and for my part I had just wanted him deep inside me. The dark clouds had been forming in my mind and I was in no mood to experience any of the malevolent shame they intended to strike down upon me.

Keith’s stamina surprised me. Perhaps unfairly I had assumed that it would be over in a matter of minutes or that he might just keel over. There was one moment when I looked at his face which was red, glistening with sweat, all contorted in the weirdest expression, I actually thought Keith might be having a heart attack. Turned out I was witnessing his orgasm face.  A furious combination of thrusts that defied his age followed then a satisfied moan before rolling off, all sweating and panting.

Normally, as soon as it was over I would be on my feet getting dressed and making a hasty exit. I continued to be haunted by this image, that had invaded my dreams, of a dark figure. He signified my final liaison. Therefore I tended not to stick around the guy’s house, just in case he was a psychopath.

However with Keith something felt different. The storm clouds had gone. Usually there would be some remnant of the dark swirl but instead I felt normal. I felt drunk… . I felt Keith’s arm slide across as me as he snuggled up.

Woatheretiger. Selinadoesn‘t cuddle. 

But I did not protest I just allowed my heavy eyes to close as I fell into a gentle slumber.

I awoke the next morning alone in the bed. My head hurt but it was a pain I welcomed. It was not caused by the ravages of the darkness but by the vast quantities of alcohol I had consumed the night before. I had a hangover.  Whilst it made every movement hurt I much preferred this to the numbness I had become accustomed to.

“I’m Alive!” I said internally before taking four attempts to actually get out of the bed.

I stood naked in some stranger’s bedroom and it was a dilemma I had not experienced in a while. Do I put on last night’s clothes? I picked them up from the floor, which took longer than it should have; every time I bent down the floor seemed to sink further away from me.

When I finally retrieved my clothes they smelt of last night – alcohol, cigarettes, sex. The accumulated scent made me feel nauseous. I was of course fully prepared to take the walk of shame home in yesterday’s outfit but another drawback of the hangover was my throat felt dry and I could certainly do with a coffee. I had no idea where my aging lover was. I didn’t really know where I was.

I spied on a chair a neatly pressed shirt which, along with my panties, I slipped on. This certainly should give him no funny ideas. When I finally reached the kitchen, Keith was at the stove cooking up some scrambled eggs. He had the air of a fifty year old that had just spent the night fucking someone younger. He was humming away to some awful jazz tune as he spied me;

“Ahh Selina. Good Morning to you” he exclaimed, stuttering a little as he noted what I was wearing.

He gestured to a round table for me to sit where he brought me some orange juice and the nectar of the Gods….. a coffee.

“I am making some scrambled eggs if you fancy some or there are some croissants on the table” he spoke in a posh accent, a hint of nervousness underlined each word.  He was like one of those kind yet bumbling British characters that Colin Firth always seems to play.

Keeping eye contact with him I grabbed a croissant and bit off the end, chewing suspiciously like I was some feral girl who had spent my life in some woods being raised by wolves. Keith would be the kindly gentleman who would teach me the ways of the human folk.  Alternatively, he could be the evil hunter intent of having me mounted on his wall as a prized catch. I opted for the former because Colin Firth only plays good guys, doesn’t he?

He joined me at the table with a steaming pile of scrambled eggs which he lavishly spread on my plate. Sitting down opposite  he flicked through the newspaper while still humming that incessant jazz tune.  I ate in silence. He didn’t look at me, just read his paper pausing only to take a bite of his breakfast.  He managed to do this all without breaking tune.

“Selina I’m thinking of taking a drive in the countryside this afternoon” he said suddenly without looking up from the paper “I wondered if you care to join me?..  There’s a lovely pub there who do a wonderful Ploughman’s lunch.”

He looked up at me for my answer just at the point I was devouring a massive spoonful of scrambled eggs.

Whydoguysalwayswanttoaskmequestionswhenmymouthisfull?!

I nodded my agreement. I maybe should have given it some more thought but I wanted Keith to return to his paper before egg spilled out of my mouth.

“Delightful” he said looking back down at his newspaper “Of course we will swing  round yours so you can change.”

The drive to the pub was silent, well apart from Keith humming away to jazz music. I was preoccupied with a thought;

I have just agreed to get in a car with a complete stranger and drive through woodland to the middle of nowhere.

Despite the fact I may have voluntarily consented to my demise I actually felt calm. There was something wonderfully disarming about Keith. His bumbling British manner put me at ease and I felt he was more Kind Keith than Killer Keith.

At the pub he generously bought me lunch and despite the remnants of my hangover still lingering I washed it down with several beers.   Keith was more than happy to tell me about his life.  He was a Partner in a big city law firm. I would tell you more about that but I kind of switched off whilst he was telling me….. something something corporate something.

He was presently going through a divorce and he had a daughter the same age as me; we both looked awkwardly away when he revealed that fun fact.  He asked me about myself and I was cagey at first to reveal too much but such was his innocent charm I found I told him more than I had intended.

I was going to end the brief summary of my life with the fact that I really hate being bludgeoned to death in the middle of a woods. You know, just in case. Yet I felt totally safe with Keith the only unease that was building was that it felt like a date. Was I dating a fifty year old? Did he think it was a date?

It was around this point that he finally raised our sexual antics from the previous night.

“Selina I must say last night was amazing” he begun “I know it would be foolish of me to believe you would want to do it again…Would you?”

He paused looking at me for some response but I was eating a chocolate cheesecake.

Again with answering questions whilst my mouth is full!

Still devouring the cheesecake and unable to respond I just smiled, Keith took the opportunity to continue.

“Well anyway at least that’s something I can cross off my list”

I gulped down the mouthful of dessert and replied “You have a list?”

“Oh yes” he said rather boldly “A bucket list. Do you not have one?”

I giggled whilst picking at the remnants of chocolate on my plate “No. Anyway I thought they were just about skydiving and visiting pyramids.”

A bashful smile spread across his face as he responded “Well mine was like that,  but there were a few.. carnal things I put on there.”

“A few?” I said raising an eyebrow “Like what?”

“Well… erm..” he bumbled “I can show you the list.. If you like?”

He picked up his phone and after a few taps on his screen he slid it towards me. I looked down to see all neatly presented Keith’s Bucket List.

I scanned through the dull ones like motor car racing until I got to the juicy portion.  I looked up at Keith who stared at me nervously as I flicked through the list.

“Done… Done… Not done..” I said as I scrolled through  “Don’t know what that is…. and you shouldn’t even be thinking that one let alone writing it down you dirty bastard.’

I looked up at Keith who had the expression of a school kid who was agonisingly waiting for his Teacher to mark his homework.

He gave a nervous smile and said “So? What do you think?”

I was unsure how to respond, unclear if he expected me to give feedback on each individual one.

“Yeh, they’re cool.” I answered nonchalantly “Although number 12… Wrong.. Just wrong.”

Keith let out a nervous laugh and replied “Well at least thanks to you I can cross one off the list.”

“I didn’t see one that said fuck a girl half your age.” I retorted.

More nervous laughter from Keith as he replied “No but a one night stand was.” He took a sip from his glass of red wine before continuing “I’d like to do a few more on that list …..with you”

I was rather taken back by his sudden boldness. I  had endured what seemed a lifetime of bumbling and indecision before he ordered his lunch, which turned out to be exactly what he always ordered,  yet here he was making a very direct request.

It was this directness  which caught me a little off guard. I had expected him to try and have sex with me again, I would have been offended if he hadn’t. Yet I was at a loss on how to respond and just raised an eyebrow.

Concerned he may have offended me Keith returned to his more familiar bumbling nature.

“I mean you of course do not have to. It wouldn’t just be sex.. I’d buy you things.. You know.. Treat you.”

“I’m not a whore Keith” I replied, a mischievous half-smile on my face.

“No.. No.. You most certainly are not.. What I mean is we can go out” he said, floundering for the right words “You know, like dinner or a show and if you fancied doing something off the list then…. we can”

Before I could respond he added “But only if you want to.. No pressure.” For good measure he concluded with “And you wouldn’t be a whore.”

I smiled and contemplated his offer. I had no idea why but being in Keith’s presence made the storm clouds stay away.  Maybe I could do with a holiday from the numbness. It had been a bad year and I was clinging on by a thread. Perhaps indulging in Keith’s list of lust would help me hold on that little bit longer.

I had no intention of ‘dating’ Keith and would have to be careful not to let him become too attached. It would be good for both of us. I can step out of the darkness for a short while and Keith… well he gets his naughty fantasies fulfilled.

Isn’t that how it all began? This desire to please others, to make their fantasies come true. Selina The Fantasy Giver – that’s what I used to call myself but recently it had just been Lina.  She had been thriving in the darkness and what it compelled me to do. I concluded there was nothing wrong with the offer Keith had presented me with.

“Okay.” I said “I’m up for that.”

His face lit up not quite sure if I had agreed to his proposal. “Really?” he exclaimed “Well now that is rather pleasant.”

“But not number twelve.” I pointed out.

“No. Well we can discuss the ones you are happy to do.” He replied.

I smiled and went back to finishing the last of my cheesecake, glancing over at Keith who had the expression of a child who had just been told he can have all the toys in the shop.

For my part I felt happy. Not that giddy happiness someone may have when first embarking on a relationship. It wasn’t going to be like that. It was most certainly not a relationship.

It just felt good to be the Fantasy Giver again and this time I knew exactly what I was letting myself in for. Here it was before me in Times New Roman font, all nicely underlined and arranged.  There could be no misunderstandings. No mistakes. Plus by the sounds of it I was going to get well fed for my effort.

It was a good deal and you only make good deals with good people.

I mean who else is there to make a deal with?

With the deal done, will Keith be my saviour? Find out here

The Descent Of Selina 

“Hello, is there anybody in there?”

I let out a muffled giggle at the desperate pleas from whoever it was that wanted to use the toilet for its actual intended use.

Inside was myself and some guy, my lips round his hard cock. His arousal clearly  increased by the various partygoers that went to and fro out of the toilet.

He put his fingers up to his lips before throwing his head back as I purposely sucked him harder, trying to make him moan loud so he could be heard by those outside.

I didn’t know, or more to the point didn’t care what his name was. We had met only a short time beforehand at the bar. One drink later and we were in the cubicle with my mouth round his penis.

That’s how it was now. That’s how it had been since the revelation of the sex tape being posted online.

I had grown to like the numbness that had washed over me. At first I had been frightened by it but whenever I tried to fight it my brain would give me a preview of what shameful pain I would have to endure if I wasn’t numb.

I therefore embraced it but it came at a price. I simply did not care. I had lost interest in everything, whether it be my friends, family, work.  I just went through the motions and even struggled with that. When people were talking to me their words would be lost in the fog of my mind. All I did was react to the expressions or during awkward pauses just smiled and nod.

It had become impossible for me to engage fully in conversations. I was spending enough energy just to keep the darkness that swirled in my mind from consuming me fully.  When I let my guard down the numbness would be overtaken by the storm clouds of shame that gleefully welcomed the opportunity to roar inside my head once more.

I tried to counter the storm, firstly with alcohol but any moments of peace that brought were quickly interrupted by the inescapable feeling of shame. If I tried to drink more, rather than quell these feelings it exacerbated them, increasing the ferocity of the roar of the angry clouds.

With an inebriated mind coupled with the paralysis of shame any chance of rational thought had gone. Whenever I was in a bar and some guy would try hitting on me the storm clouds would rush to my ear and whisper reminders of what a slut I really was.

So I begun to have a lot of sexual liaisons. A lot. If a guy showed me the slightest bit of attention there was a very good chance I would perform some act of sexual gratification for him. I never experienced true sexual pleasure from what I was doing, instead it provided me with something more important it restored the numbness.

Whether it would be on my knees with a guy in my mouth or have them banging away behind me the storm clouds would slowly dissipate. I never truly orgasmed but in its place was a greater release,  numbness would spread through my body, coating my mind in a protective layer.

Whenever I sensed it would be wearing off, that the storm clouds would be seeping through the cracks on its journey to occupy my thoughts, I would seek out a new sexual partner and become numb again.

These men became  like a drug to me and performing those acts upon them was a compulsion. In rare moments of clarity, when the numbness was gone but the storm clouds had yet to appear, I knew I was broken. I knew I was damaged.

However before I could make that desperate cry for help I would be once more consumed with the storm, the darkness silencing my pleas. All I could do was seek out the only route to that now blissful feeling of nothingness.

I was alone. By this time I had virtually pushed away anyone who cared about me, opting instead for this solo life of seedy liaisons with complete strangers.

If my friends asked if I was okay I would shut the conversation down with some bullshit about work being stressful before promptly leaving to seek out another sexual partner.

The guys who were the recipients of my compulsion did not care. They never looked me properly in the eyes otherwise they would have seen my vacant expression as if I had eyes painted on like a toy. After all that was all I was to them – a toy.

TheHornyLinaActionDollnowwitheasieropeninglegs.

I had been once new, mint in the box but now I was being used by whoever and then passed on to the next excitable owner. Some knew how to treat such a precious item and would be tender others had no such care and was only interested in the durability of their new plaything.

This toy came with different settings – Slutty or Kinky – just flip the switch to the mode you want. Some guys would forget to switch me off ‘Demo’ and excited by what this toy could do would be unable to try out the other modes.

There was another setting, although it was never used – Normal. No guy ever seemed interested in using that one. Deep down, past the numbness and through the swirling storm clouds, I so desperately wanted someone to switch me to Normal.

The darkness had also begun to invade my dreams.  Those moments of blissful slumber used to be my solitude; the previously translucent room in my mind was now awash with blackness as if someone had taken a pot of paint and thrown it everywhere. Thick globs of darkness slid down the once brilliant walls. Out of this black sludge arms would suddenly come stretching out, grabbing, clawing, tearing at my clothes as I tried desperately to escape this once tranquil palace.

Bruised and cut I would fall to my knees and in the darkness that suffocated me I would see Him. He hovered above, this cruel faceless behemoth.  I knew only this of Him – he would be my destruction, my one final liaison that I never truly returned from.

He stalked over me, teasing his potential arrival into my real life. Brushing a dark, bony finger over my face, his skin feeling clammy against mine. Then he is gone and I am left alone in the darkness of my mind. I put my hand up to where he touched and I can feel the cold, stinging wetness of where he cut me. A reminder of what awaits down this path.

A path in which there was no light at the end. The only way forward is through the hands that reach out and grope me.  Are they trying to hold me back from meeting the lustful leviathan that waits at the end? Or do they all want a piece of me before He finishes me off?

“Can you stand up?”

I looked up and saw the guy I had only moments ago had in my mouth offering me his hand.  He was not looking at me, rather  the mess he had left on the floor of the cubicle.

“Sorry” he mumbled “I guess I got a little too excited”
I had not intended to simply suck someone off in a cubicle. I should have been welcoming every hard thrust from behind me, grateful that the storm clouds were vanishing.

Instead I was left unsatisfied and the storm mocked my failure. Without saying a word I left the cubicle. I could barely hear the guy mumbling about trying again in a few minutes.

I knew I would have to find someone else but I hated this desperate urge to have sex. It made me more irrational, more likely to take risks and made the possibility of finding Him to become more real.

Perhaps the quick blowjob had at least allowed some light to shine through the storm. A brief notion that I may find that person who would switch me back to Normal briefly occupied my thoughts.  No sooner I had I thought it I was dismissing the idea as foolish. No guy had ever switched me to that setting.

Maybe I am being unfair. Maybe some of the guys I had slept with had tried.  Perhaps it was I who wanted to stay on that path through the darkness, to continue my descent until I met Him. I desired to put a face to the phantom, to introduce myself to the nameless, to submit myself to the ultimate feeling of nothingness. Maybe it was about time I shook hands with the Devil.

“Oh I’m dreadfully sorry”

I had been so preoccupied that I had not immediately noticed someone bumping into me. Some of their drink spilt on my dress mixing with some of the other, more questionable stains.

The owner of the drink was quick to offer his apologies.

“Sorry…. Please let me get you something to dry yourself and I must insist on buying you a drink” he said.

I followed him to the bar and he turned to me, extending his hand “I’m Keith by the way”.

“Lina” I replied

Introduction made.

Following the descent it’s time to meet Keith

The Fellowship of Selina 

I was loving life and enjoying my independence. My job was going well and relished the freedom of having my own place.

There was just one thing missing in my presently great life – I had no friends.

I knew quite a lot of people but could not really call them friends. Growing up I was a bit of a loner, only because that’s how I preferred it to be. I had set myself the goal of passing my exams and did not want to be distracted by boys or the petty gossip of girls.

The same applied largely to university and in any event the emergence of Horny Lina meant that any boy I got close to I ended up sleeping with making any friendship thereafter impossible.  Girls seem to avoid me as if Horny Lina was warding them off like a barking dog at a junkyard.

Although I was not far from my Dad and my old life I felt lonely. Even Horny Lina’s antics could not stave off this feeling. I needed friends.

I opted not to simply walk around and ask whoever I saw if they would be my friend. That would likely attract the wrong sort of people. Despite my need to find a friend I was not desperate. I’ll just be a little more friendly.

It was at my local coffee shop one morning that I first saw her. The girl who would hereafter be affectionately known as my Pixie Princess.

My moniker for her came from the simple fact she looked like a pixie. She has ginger hair cut short with lighter streaks running through it. She is quite short and her perfect freckly face is finished off with the cutest button nose.

It was quite busy that morning and she sat at one of the benches reading a book and I sat in the seat next to her. I didn’t start a conversation with her immediately but observed this cute thing she did of putting her finger on the word she just read whilst taking a sip of her coffee. She looked over and saw me staring at her.

“Good book? ” I asked.

She instinctively turned to the cover and I saw a picture of a muscular barbarian next to a scantily clad maiden “Yeh not bad” she replied.

“You like those type of fantasy books?” I continued.

She nodded and asked what I like reading. I was tempted to show her my library of erotica on my phone but I felt this innocent young pixie may fall off her chair.

Instead I opened my bag and pulled out the latest Batman comic I had purchased.

“Oh that is so cool” she responded.

This seemed to break the ice. We discussed super heroes, the latest season of Game of Thrones and as the conversation progressed we became more comfortable with each other.

Soon, we were purposely looking out for each other and this progressed to whoever got there first would order each other’s coffee. She liked a toffee latte and mine was a flat white or as I like to call it a normal fucking coffee.

If it were my turn to get the coffee I would get the barista to write ‘Pixie’ on her cup although invariably it was always spelt ‘Pixy’ or once ‘Pixee’.

When it was her turn she would have ‘Bruce’ written on it or some other first name of a Batman character.

Before long we were meeting up at lunchtime and after work. This progressed to actually arranging to meet up at the weekend; I would take her to my local comic book store or a convention but normally we would end up at each other’s flat watching the latest shows on Netflix.

We became close friends and two others would subsequently be added.

Pru is a beautiful oriental lady. She knew Pixie from work but had subsequently left to set up a private practice as a Clinical Psychologist. She could be quite a serious lady and gave Sensible Selina a run for her money. We would tease her and the group would always try to get her to say something naughty or at least laugh at the bawdy jokes.

These jokes normally came from Melissa. She was a firecracker. A tall brunette with a dirty mind. Although I was closer to Pixie, Horny Lina liked Melissa. She didn’t see her as a threat more as a saucy ally. I always tried to keep Horny Lina bottled up but Melissa had the habit of bringing her to the surface.

Did Melissa sense some naughtiness in me? Did Horny Lina let off some scent that brought like minded people gravitating towards me?

I was closer to Pixie but Melissa would seek affirmation for her naughtiness, which I always gladly provided.

She’d play this game where she would look around the bar and pointing to a few guys ask ‘Fuck. Marry. Avoid’. Pru would refuse to play, Pixie would lower her head, tuck a strand of hair behind her ear and mumble that she was unsure. She’s so adorable.

I would end up responding ‘Fuck. Fuck. Fuck’ to the howls of approval from Melissa. This would often prompt a disapproving look from Pru and a nervous giggle from Pixie.

With demands at work and my new found social life there was little opportunity for Horny Lina to come out and play. But she wouldn’t stay caged for long.

If you feed the beast it becomes stronger and uncontrollable. If you starve the beast it becomes unpredictable.

One evening I saw that this guy was lurking around our table. He could have been after any one of us; perhaps he wasn’t fussy.

He approached me when I was ordering some drinks at the bar, reeling off the normal cheesy chat up lines. I just smiled and returned to the girls.

When it was time to leave I opted not to share a cab with anyone, stood outside the bar waving my friends goodbye. I then turned, walked back into the bar and towards the guy who had gravitated towards a different table of girls.

“You going to buy me that drink?” I asked.

Later that night we were both naked on his sofa. He was already aroused, his anticipation of what was to come clearly showing.

He was laying down on the sofa as I sat up my hand gently massaging his growing cock. I positioned myself between his legs and begun to take him in my mouth. As I did I noticed a bright light shining in my face.

“What you doing?” I asked, saliva dripping from mouth.

“Filming it” he replied

“Don’t” I responded but offered no further protest. I returned to sliding my lips down his cock. He moaned as I took his full length into my warm mouth; his cock liable to explode at any moment.

I stopped sucking and begun to climb on top of him. He wanted me to face the opposite way to him. In his mind he was clearly storyboarding how his horny production would go.

I spun round and teased his cock by running my pussy up and down the hard shaft that lay flat on his belly.

He grabbed my arse with one hand, the other desperately trying to hold his phone steady. He spread my cheeks and I leaned forward so he could get a better look as he exposed my pussy.

Smile for the camera! 

I reached down and took his cock, lowering myself upon it. Gripping his legs I began to bounce slowly up and down upon his thickness.

I couldn’t see him so did not know if he was watching the action unfold through the small screen of his phone. I bet he was one of these guys who go to a rock concert and watch the whole thing through his camera.

Put your phone down you’ll have a better experience.

I began to ride him a little harder, gripping onto his ankles as my pussy slammed down onto his hard cock.

I got the feeling from his moans that this ride wouldn’t take too long. Maybe he was just super horny. Maybe he didn’t have much battery left on his phone.

I quickened the pace, my grip on his ankles tightening. He was moaning hard and the sofa creaked in unison with my motion.

I’m good. I can make furniture moan! 

I could tell that his climax was imminent by his moans of pleasure and the fact his toes were curling. After a few further hard slams down upon him he came; the intensity causing him to drop his phone.

Bizarrely I agreed to exchange numbers with him and saw him around the bar. But there was to be no repeat performance.

I was never rude to him and would smile but I had no desire to make his sofa creak again.  It was a one-off show and anyway he had it on his phone for posterity.

I’m sure he understood. Just a quick passionate one nighter – nothing more. He seemed a reasonable guy. A reasonable guy with a video of me fucking him on his phone.

In the next part I introduce you to my first Boyfriend

The Evolution of Selina – Part Two 

As I entered my final year of university I had reached the conclusion that to obtain the highest level of sexual gratification I was going to have to indulge in other people’s sexual fantasies.

My experience with Gamer Dude had brought me so close. Maybe not through the door of complete sexual pleasure but at least right up to it, peering through the window at the delights that lay ahead.

The problem was I had no idea how I was going to do it. I mean how was I going to know what someone’s deepest fantasy was without asking them?

If I were just to go up to a guy and say “Hey what’s your sexual fantasy?” he would most likely respond for me to suck his cock, because that would be his dominant horny thought at that very moment. Guys are kind of predictable like that!

But I wanted to go deeper. To truly find out what they desired and to indulge their sexual fantasy, bringing it to life with orgasmic clarity.

Selina – The Fantasy Giver 

But how? Walk around with a sign saying ‘Get your fantasies here’. It’s also not like I  could just go round the local bars asking.

“Evening Steve, glass of wine please. Hey I don’t suppose you know anyone here who may need some deep sexual desire fulfilled?” 

“I dunno – you could try asking that guy there in the rubber gimp suit. He may know of someone” 

I was preoccupied with the practicalities of my quest when I met Daniel.

Daniel studied art and I had gone along to an exhibition of his and other students work.  I am a great lover of art – mainly the comic book kind.
He was displaying his drawings which were predominantly  of scantily clad cyber punk girls – they were beautiful.

I struck up a conversation with him about art, comic books and we started to hang out. There was no immediate spark between us; he was attractive but a little on the shy side.

He was quite insular and shared very little about himself but I did not need him to tell me what he was thinking because I could tell from his drawings. The window into an artists soul is through his work.

As I looked at his drawings I saw a common theme, a less than subtle hint of what he desired. Aside from his love of big titted girls with guns they were all adorned in stockings or tights – Daniel had a thing for nylon!

For me to indulge in his fantasy I would need to change my look. To be honest, I had bored of the long hair tied back and alternating between jeans or leggings; the change would be good for everyone.

Inspired by the drawings of Daniel I got my hair cut short and messy, changed my jeans to hot pants shorts or a plaid skirt adorned with black tights. The normally bland blouses were replaced by t-shirts, either plain or faded print of a variety of super heroes.

The outfit was finished off by some military style ankle boots and a leather jacket I picked up in a charity shop. I looked in the mirror and for a moment did not even recognise myself. But I liked it – My evolution was complete.

Horny Lina has got herself a super suit! 

“Wow, Selina you look… Different” was Daniel’s reaction when he saw me.

I ignored the lack of an actual verbal compliment because I could see in his eyes that he liked what he saw; his gaze lingering at my nylon legs.

We went to his room and whilst he hurriedly moved all his papers so I could sit down I noticed a particular drawing; it was of me reimagined as one of his cyber punk girls, it was not a far cry to the look I was currently rocking.

“Is this me?” I asked

“Maybe” he replied whilst attempting to grab the picture back from me.

“My arse isn’t that big!” I teased

“It’s artistic licence” he said taking the picture from me “Besides I was working from memory”

I smiled, the fantasy giver had an idea! “Draw me now”  I suggested as I laid on the sofa, lifting my hands above my head “Paint me like one of your cyber punk girls!” I giggled.

He smiled, sat down at his canvas as I positioned myself in different poses.

“Would you like me like this? ” – getting on all fours on the sofa.

“Or like this?” – sitting up right with my legs spread.

“Or this?” – crossing my legs and throwing my head back.

Daniel laughed “Stop it and come closer so I can see your face”.

I stood up and sat directly opposite him as he began to sketch.  I kicked of my boots and slowly begun rubbing my foot up and down his leg.

“Selina! What are you doing?” he asked. His face was obscured & so I couldn’t see how much he was enjoying it.

“Sorry am I distracting you?” I replied.

I moved my foot up higher, past his knee and gently caressed his thigh.

“Selina, what has got into you?” he said, his voice slightly cracking.

“Would you like me to stop?” I asked but no reply came so I moved my foot across from his thigh to his groin.

He was aroused and I traced the outline of his bulge with my big toe. I could feel it twitch inside the cage of his trousers, groaning to be released.

I heard him whisper my name and licking my lips I said in a quiet voice “Take it out.” My nylon feet hovered as he nervously unzipped his trousers, pulling them down slightly to release his cock.

He was fully erect already and as I ran my toe along the length of his shaft it was clear he had fantasised about this moment. Maybe not with me; we had after all just met & this was the first time he had seen me in nylons.

I reckoned somewhere amongst his art were sketches of his cyber punk girls stroking a variety of exaggerated cocks with their feet. When he saw me wearing black opaque tights did he recall those drawings & how horny he got creating them?

He was hard. When he sat down to draw me was he hoping for this moment? Did he allow himself  a moment to fantasise, willing for this to happen? For all I know his cock had been between many girls’ feet, but something told me this was the first time; the cracking in his voice, his heavy breath, the way he just sat there unsure what to do.

The physical pleasure he experienced at the touch of my foot merged with the fantasy in his head. I had his body and his mind; it excited me, aroused me.

I lifted his cock up with my foot pressing it up against his belly.  With my toe pressed against his throbbing head I ran my other toe up and down his groaning shaft.

I unzipped my shorts and slid my hand inside my tights. I was wet already, I was getting off on making his fantasy become a reality.

I took his cock between my feet, my heels pressed against his head, the soles feeling the thickness of his arousal. Slowly I began to stroke him as I pleasured myself with my own fingers.

“Keep drawing” I teased as I begun to stroke him a little faster.  I could not see his face but I imagined the look of pleasure on it. I knew he was enjoying this – I could sense it and that feeling drove my fingers deeper into my pussy.

I varied the speed and touch of my strokes. He was between my arches, then my heels or he was sliding between my silky soles – he liked that one.

I could hear his breathing become heavier. I felt his cock throb with pleasure through my nylons which had become moist from drops of his precum; up at the other end they were drenched from the attention I was giving to myself.

He was close – so was I. “Stand up” I instructed him and angled his cock towards the canvas as I increased the speed of my strokes.

He dropped his pencil and gripped my ankles, holding my feet in place while he thrust wildly between them. The sound of his pleasure as he fucked my feet made me rub my clit harder.

I could feel my orgasm building and I knew he that his frenzied thrusting was about to reach a climax. He wanted this moment to last, to be between my feet for as long as he could but the urge to release was becoming too strong.

The feeling of the pleasure I was giving him coupled with the erotic familiarity of my own touch was enough to bring me to orgasm which in turn caused Daniel to lose control and after a final few thrusts he came.

The canvas obscured my view of him ejaculating but I could hear his pleasure satisfyingly splash onto it, drops dripping on my feet and legs.

He stayed between my feet until he was empty and limp then slumped back into his chair. I stood up and walked over to him, feeling the dampness of his deposit with every step.

I leant over him to view the sketch, it was half my face embossed with the conclusion of our foot fun; thick streams of his cum still sliding down the canvas.

“Looks nothing like me” I joked, kissing him on the top of the head.

My remaining time at university was shared between exams and indulging in Daniel’s nylon fetish. This balance kept both sides of my personality satisfied.

Soon it was time to bid farewell to university and return back home to London; however I would be bringing someone back with me.

Not Daniel. That horny artist went back home up North, the long distance between us signalling the end of our relationship.

No, it was Horny Lina who would be returning with me. Newly evolved and ready for the next experience. All I had to do was control her.

With University finished it’s time to go Home