Super Sentient Sex Dolls From Saturn : Part Six

So we arrive at Part Six having completed Part One , Part Two, Part Three, Part Four and Part Five. Say what you’re like about this series but at least we are doing this in order.

Quick recap – I have seamlessly and without any fundamental plot holes whatsoever been able to legitimately establish the existence of the Sentient Sex Dolls, put them on Saturn and convincingly return them to Earth.

Anyone still paying attention to this will recall that Gina may not have been the only sex doll who returned from Saturn. So this part introduces the remaining sex dolls – the Version Deltas (or VDs for short).

There are four VDs left and we are introduced to them outside a biker’s bar on the outskirts of town. Because whatever town you live in there is always a convenient bar filled with bikers.

Now as you will have immediately appreciated from reading the previous five parts I do extensive research to ensure authenticity.

So we have four naked sentient sex dolls walking into a seedy out of town bar frequented by bikers. As they walk in the bar goes silent. Two bikers playing chess look up. Another biker sitting by the fireplace reading Voltaire takes of his glasses and looks towards the entrance. A group of bikers practicing the cha cha slide turn off the music and study the new arrivals.

One of the bikers approach the quartet of sentient sex dolls “Well well well. What do we have here?” he asks “Some pretty ladies just walking into our bar. And as naked as the day they were born. You know what this means guys?”

The bar erupts with whooping and cheering, although some choose to politely clap. The biker continues “That’s right! We have enough people to make up our Twister Tournament”

As further cheers erupt it is made clear that these sentient sex dolls are not in the mood to play Twister. Indeed, to fully emphasise their hatred of any party board games one grabs the wrist of the biker and twists it hard. He screams out in agony and another biker rushes over;

“Hey stop that. He’s our best hope for the Inter-Biker Table Tennis tournament later this week”

The sentient sex doll looks at him and says “I need your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle”

“Really?” Says the Biker “Cos I am a little overweight and my clothes would just hang off you. No you need to be taking Slim’s clothes over there”

The Sentient Sex Doll walks over to Slim and snaps his neck and begins to remove his clothes.

“Wait!” says the Biker “He may be slim but he has big feet. His boots won’t fit you. What are you? Size 5? Size 6?. You need Dainty Pete’s boots.”

Snap

“Looking good now we need to accessorise. Gruff Stu’s belt would really accentuate those hips”

Snap

“Now I am thinking a leather jacket to really finish this look off. Mad Matt has the best”

Snap

“Beautiful. The blood splatter really does emphasise that glowing eye. When I saw you walk into this bar I saw vulnerability. But now I see you blossom into the woman I know you can be…”

Snap

In his dying breath the biker hands his keys to the sentient sex doll. “Be careful the throttle sticks a little”

As we watch the now fully clothed sentient sex dolls ride off on motorcycles we cut back to the strange laboratory as unnamed menacing man is given an update by generic underling.

“Sir four of them are on the move”

The menacing man replies “Good. They will come here. That’s in their programming.” He pauses menacingly, the silence confirming how menacing he is “But there needs to be all five. Find me the other one”

Before we leave this part a quick check in with Spencer. Realising he will struggle to keep Gina hidden from his Mother he decides to introduce her as a Foreign Exchange Student.

So Spencer’s mother unknowingly meets the sex doll that her late husband was screwing just before he died.

Spencer’s Mother: Very pleased to meet you Gina

Gina: You never liked to swallow

Spencer’s Mother: Excuse me?

Spencer: Nothing . She’s French

Spencer quickly ushers Gina upstairs and begins to lecture her on not mentioning having sex with his Dad when he is interrupted by Paul calling him. Paul is in an agitated state.

Paul: Spencer I’ve been watching the videos of Gina with your Dad.

Spencer: That’s gross. What is wrong with you?

Paul: You need to see something

Spencer: Paul I’m not interested in watching my Dad have sex with a sex doll

Paul: No you don’t understand. He didn’t die coz of the crash. He was already dead.

Spencer: What? How?

Paul: It was Gina. Gina killed him

Spencer turns to look at Gina who is sitting on the bed. Her eye glowing a deep red.

To be continued

Super Sentient Sex Dolls From Saturn : Part Five

Following on from Part Four is this Part… Part Five. It’s kind of the middle of the movie.

The majority of this part is taken up with Spencer trying to hide the existence of Gina the Sex Doll from the likes of his mum and would be girlfriend, Becky.

Whilst he could have just left Gina in Paul’s basement he did not totally trust him not to keep having sex with her. Paul’s excitement could visibly be seen as he studied all the things that Gina could do.

Spencer was unsure if a sex doll could be broken but believed if anyone could break her then Paul and his extreme horniness probably could.

For some reason Spencer feels the need to treat Gina with respect and not use her for the primary purpose she was built. He is a gentleman towards her. So he decides to just shove her in the wardrobe in his bedroom.

The next morning, Spencer awakes to find Gina on top of him, slowly lowering the waistband of his pyjamas;

Spencer: What are you doing?

Gina: Your morning blowjob. That is how you like to start the day

Spencer: No!….I mean….No I don’t need you to do that

Gina: You do not wish me to perform oral sex upon you and tell you how big you are?

Spencer: No.

Gina: Do you wish to simply have sex with me then?

Spencer: No

Gina: Handjob?

Spencer: No….I do not require you to do anything sexually with me.

Gina: I am confused. That is my Primary programming. Are you unhappy with my service. Do you require any upgrade? Should I notify Control you wish for me to be replaced by VD?

Spencer: VD?

Gina: Version Delta. Although reports are they are quite buggy. But if you are no longer satisfied with my service then I shall commence the Retirement Protocol.

Spencer: No wait… do not retire….what else can you do?

Gina: I am programmed to provide sexual gratification in 234 different ways.

Spencer: Anything else?

Gina: My secondary duties is to ensure the safety and security of who I am assigned to and ensure they are comfortable.

Spencer: Which involves?

Gina: Mainly domestic chores.

Spencer (looking around his untidy bedroom): Well there you go. I would like you to ummm tidy my room.

Gina: That I can do.

Spencer: Just don’t go downstairs

Spencer leaves Gina in the room and goes downstairs, he grabs a slice of toast from his mum and heads out.

We catch up with him later in the cafe. He is sitting at a table flicking through his phone trying to find out any further information about the mysterious sex doll.

“What ya doin’?’ asks Becky and joins him at the table. They chat and it’s clear she is into him and all Spencer has to do is make the move. But just as the conversation heads towards him asking her out there is a commotion.

Dean and his Band Of Dicks start cheering and whistling. Spencer looks up and sees Gina has entered the Cafe dressed in just one of his sports shirts. She sees Spencer and walks over to him.

Gina: I have completed the task you assigned to me. I even put those magazines under your bed in alphabetical order although presumed Slutty Co-Eds Summer Edition should go before the Autumn Edition.

Spencer: What are you doing here? How did you find me? I told you not to go downstairs

Gina: I have completed my task and require a further assignment. And I am able to track you within a fifty mile radius. I also obeyed your instruction not to go down the stairs by instead jumping out the window

Becky: Spencer? Who is this?

Spencer: ermmm….this is …umm Gina….. she’s…..um my cousin. She’s come to stay with us from…ummm….France

Becky: Hi Gina. I’m Becky

Gina (cocking head to one side – Android thing) : I recognise you from pictures Spencer has underneath his pillow.

Spencer: Gina!! (To Becky) – She’s joking. French humour.

Dean the dick walks over and addresses Gina in own dickish way

Dean: Well well well. What do we have here? Don’t waste your time with this loser darling. You need a real man to satisfy you.

He grabs his crotch to make the point and Gina cocks her head (Android thing) and replies

Gina: Are you suggesting you wish to use your 4 1/2 inch penis for sexual gratification. I am not assigned to you for such a service

Some of the Gang of Dicks snigger and Dean stares sinisterly at Gina

Dean: You’re quite a mouthy one. Maybe I should use this (he grabs his crotch again) to shut you up

Gina: I can change the size of my mouth to adapt to any size. For yours I would have to make it smaller.

More laughter and Dean walks towards Gina. Spencer stands up instinctively to intervene but Dean shoves him away. Gina grabs Dean by throat and lifts him up. He is flaying around, choking.

Spencer: Gina. Let him go.

Gina: But he is a danger to you. Your safety and security is part of my duties.

Spencer: It’s fine. He’s not a danger. Let him go.

Gina releases Dean who falls to the floor clutching his throat.

Spencer decides its best to leave and ushers Gina out the cafe turning to Becky to whisper ‘She’s French’.

We conclude this part with a brief return to the strange laboratory where we saw a currently unnamed menacing man acting menacingly.

Well he is still giving off the menacing vibes as he asks for a progress update report.

There appears to have been five of them sir. Four are the newer VD models and one is an older model who we have been unable to trace.

The menacing unnamed man looks up and says ‘Find Them’ menacingly.

Super Sentient Sex Dolls From Saturn : Part Three

Part Two concluded with a sentient sex doll lowering herself to her knees in front of Spencer. She begins to unbuckle his trousers as she looks up at him.

Now Spencer is more than happy for all of this to happen. I get the more romantic of you are thinking hang on a moment isn’t he pining for his one true love, Becky. Surely, his love would mean he’d resist getting a blowjob from a strange naked woman that randomly turned up in his garage.

Well, look, if it makes it easier Spencer was only going to go upstairs and masturbate furiously to Becky’s Insta pics sooooo, you know.

Anyway, as the sentient sex doll is unfurling Spencer’s penis she looks up at him and says ‘I forgive you…..Matt’.

Spencer recoils and stutters ‘Why did you say that name?’ The Sex Doll cocks her head to one side (NB – this is a good cinematic trick because the cocking of the head clearly indicates that they are either an android, serial killer or if it’s an animated movie – a dog)

“Are you not Matt?” she asks.

“No! I’m Spencer….Matt was my Dad”

That’s right. Spencer is the son of Matt who you will recall from Part One was the horny astronaut who ended up crashing into the space station because he was preoccupied with the sex doll.

“Why did you say that name?” Spencer asks again. By now his erection is all but gone. Your lover erotically muttering the name of a dead relative would do that.

“Because you are Matt”

“No Matt was the name of my Father”

“He used to like me calling him Daddy as well”

A beam of red light shoots from her eye and scans Matt up and down. Cocking her head to one side (Android thinking pose) she says “But my DNA scanner says you are Matt…Perhaps my systems were damaged in the crash. I need to perform a full system scan”

And with that she shuts down. The glow in her eye disappears and she remains their motionless. Spencer circles her, curious as to what she actually is and as he admires her naked body he’s probably a little horny as well.

We follow Spencer as he attempts to get the sex doll from the garage to his bedroom whilst avoiding being caught by his Mother, whom has chosen that very moment to walk from room to room doing various chores. After much innuendo and near misses he reaches his room and places the sex doll on the bed.

Spencer checks out the sex doll once again and he’s definitely tempted but any possibility of anything happening is interrupted by the sound of stones being thrown at the window. He looks out and sees his best friend Paul, a nerd who likes to go by the online name of Havoc-P.

Spencer leans out the window and says “Dude, why you throwing stones at my window? Just FaceTime me like everyone else”

Paul replies “I tried you weren’t answering. And it’s games night – thought we could play UNO Extreme” (NB – nerds apparently like to play board games or something so this simple dialogue establishes that Spencer and Paul and nerdish.)

Spencer declines which makes Paul suspicious. I mean who could say no to an extreme version of UNO, right nerds? As Spencer is trying to get Paul to go away the sex doll’s red light shines, illuminating the room.

“What’s that?” asks Paul. Spencer says it’s nothing but Paul isn’t having any of it and after a failed attempt to climb up to the bedroom, he knocks on the front door and is let in by Spencer’s mum.

“Woaaa! Is that a sex doll??” Paul exclaims “I’m glad you’ve moved on from trying to get Becky to go out with you and accepted that this is your best opportunity of having sex.”

Paul leans in closer to examine the sex doll “This is some top quality tech. Must be one of those Japanese models. It’s so realistic. Have you tried it out?”

“No! I’m not sure what it…she…is. I think she might be from space or something. She knew my Dad”

“Your dad? The one who was an astronaut but died in a tragic space accident dead dad? What you think she might be an alien or maybe a cyborg?…. Hang on, what’s this?”

Paul notices a symbol on the inside of her wrist. “I’ve seen this before, amongst some tech my Dad has in the basement”

It’s decided they would take the sex doll to Paul’s house to investigate further. We have a scene of both Spencer with the assistance of Paul getting the motionless sex doll down the stairs while his mum is once again choosing to wander round every room they have to pass doing chores. Much hilarity ensues.

Finally they manage to get the sex doll out the house and hoist her over a bicycle and we leave them en route to Paul’s house as we revisit the crash site. There we see a mean looking man in a black suit and tie speaking into a radio.

“It’s definitely them. They’ve all gone. We may have a problem.”

They? There’s more than one? And why would a group of specially designed sex dolls be a problem? And where are they?

Stay tuned for Part 4 when I may or may not address any of that.

Super Sentient Sex Dolls From Saturn : Part Two

Following on from the epic flashback/montage opening the movie settles down as we are transported not to some distant planet but instead to some place in America. A nice pleasant suburb like the one that Marty McFly grew up in. Alternatively, we can set in England like Basingstoke or Margate.

We meet Spencer, fresh out of college and still lives with his mum. He’s cute but shy and fancies this girl but is too nervous to do anything. ….. (Look, I’m not aiming for any sort of originality with this character.)

Obviously you’re all wondering how we went from an astronaut crashing into a space station while copulating with a sex doll to some guy fresh out of a teen romance movie. Well the two will be linked in a very subtle way as Spencer gets home and is confronted with his mum looking angry and brandishing an envelope.

Mum: What is this?

Spencer: Mum!! Jeez have you been opening my mail? I’m not a child

Mum: This letter is from NASA! Why would NASA be writing to you? You know how I feel about NASA! Your father was killed during that incident with the space station and it’s a good job that they abandoned their stupid program and dumped all those strange dolls in space when they sent that probe to monitor Saturn.

See? Seamless.

Now Spencer is none too pleased about his mum opening his post so he storms out and goes into town on a skateboard or bike or something. If it were a musical he’d being singing a song while pedalling away about how he just wants to be treated like an adult.

But it’s not. However, for what it’s worth, if it were there would be a line in it that went:-

You may make my toast, but that don’t mean you can open my post. Ooooohhh just let me be me.

Anyway, when he is in town he goes to the local Cafe and sulks over a milkshake. Also in the Cafe is the girl who he fancies but she’s hanging with all the cool kids led by Dean who is clearly a dick.

Spencer is alone at the table fiddling with a NASA pendant that was his father’s. In case anyone watching thinks Dean with his chiseled good looks and wonderful abs isn’t a dick he’s gonna do something dickish right now.

He grabs the pendant from Spencer and holds it up to the rest of the gang while saying “Oooh what a pretty necklace” to the over the top howling approval of his cock comrades.

Spencer asks him to give it back but Dean still wishing to drive home the fact he’s a dick holds it up and goads Spencer to come and take it. Spencer tries to take it but Dean pats him away with his hand and Spencer falls over the table, landing on the floor covered in milkshake. More unnecessarily exaggerated howling ensues from Dean’s Gang Of Dicks.

The Gang run out the cafe laughing with Head Dick Dean still carrying the pendant. Except not all the gang leave. One person stays, the girl of his dreams and she is called Becky.

She kneels down and wipes the milkshake off him. Becky tells Spencer that what Dean did was wrong and she will get his pendant back. There’s a real tender moment here. He loves her and perhaps she loves him too.

Of course we could make it a little creepy by inserting an earlier scene of Spencer knocking one out to Becky’s Instagram posts and when she is telling him she will retrieve the pendant he was so looking down her top at her cleavage. But for now let’s keep it tender and sweet.

She leaves to rejoin the Gang Of Dicks and we also leave Spencer to be transported to a NASA facility where some generic technician is staring bored at a screen when suddenly an unexpected dot begins.

He says ‘What the?!’ to indicate this flashing dot was both unexpected and important. He taps furiously on the keyboard while staring intently at the screen, begging the question why NASA hasn’t invested in touch screen technology or at least the ability to point and click with a mouse.

Generic technician picks up the phone and says ‘Sir. You’re gonna want to see this’

Keeping the mystery going we do not find out what the generic technician wanted someone to see (it may very well have been a photo of his penis he took in the bathroom). Instead we are back with Spencer and he is on the roof of his house being all broody….. or just recalling the sight of Becky’s cleavage… it’s one of them.

As he stares all angsty into the sky suddenly there is a bright light and a ball of fire shoots through the sky landing with a large explosion in a nearby park.

Instinctively, Spencer hops down from the roof and decided to investigate. He cycles or takes his space hopper to the park where a crowd of people including the emergency services all hover round a crater that has formed in the middle of the park.

If the CGI budget allows we can show the fireball crashing into the park and in the 4K version you can see it landing on a couple having sex – legit I can build a whole back story for these tragic lovers.

Spencer cannot see what is inside the crater because he is blocked by an over officious Police Officer. We see him being moved away from a different POV implying someone is watching him. But who?

He looks over at the crowds who have gathered and sees Dean and his Gang Of Dicks. Dean taunts him by holding up his pendant before sticking his finger up and running off laughing. Becky lingers and shrugs her shoulders with a sympathetic smile. Spencer feels sad, maybe because of his unrequited love for Becky or because he can’t see her cleavage from a distance. It’s one of them.

We follow Spencer home from that mysterious ‘ you’re being watched’ POV. As he is putting his bike, skateboard or pogo stick away he hears a noise in the dark corner of the garage. “Hello? Who’s there?” he calls out as he grabs a crowbar to investigate.

Emerging from the gloom a woman appears. Completely naked with a mysterious glow in her eye. She slowly walks towards Spencer who drops the crowbar out of shock or just sheer horniness.

Face to face with Spencer this mysterious woman says “I forgive you” as she slowly lowers herself to her knees.

Here ends Part Two. More to come in Part Three or we could just skip to Part Six for the bantz.

Super Sentient Sex Dolls From Saturn – Part One

You ready for another epic Movie Pitch? Then let’s do it. (By the way that was a rhetorical question because I am doing this whether you want to or not).

So with thrill and excitement still buzzing in your beautiful mind, settle down as the second movie from OfSelina begins.

Now we have a lot to cover in the opening such as how or indeed why are there sex dolls on Saturn. No doubt there will be much chuntering in the cinema about whether these sex dolls are super and sentient or if they are super sentient? And if the latter what does that even mean? Well, who knows and by the end of this … who cares?

So to cram a shed load of back story into a very short period of time we adopt a time honoured Cinematic ploy of Flashback and Montage….

First the flashback. The movie opens with a wide shot of space because, after all, this is a science fiction movie and nothing says Sci-Fi like stars and shit.

‘International Space Station – Sometime Ago’

We meet an unnamed generic astronaut moving through the space station looking for ‘Steve’. A cool continuous shot of him just floating around asking anyone he meets if they have seen Steve. They all shake their heads with one asking ‘Who is Steve?’

Eventually we are introduced to the mysterious Steve who is in the toliet….. masturbating wildly.

(NB Long time sufferers who follow me and have read CONFESSIONS will know that Steve is the name of my ex. I want to make it clear for legal reasons that I am not implying in any subtle way that he is and always will be a wanker. Clear? Cool, back to the story.)

In his haste to masturbate Steve has forgotten to lock the door and unnamed generic astronaut opens it just at the moment of ejaculation causing Steve to fall forward and the consequence of his fervent wrist action flies out. Because there is no gravity we see his jizz escape through the door and it travels the same route that unnamed spaceman had taken. This journey of Steve’s Semen will be one continuous shot as people duck out of the way to avoid the cum’s commute in zero gravity.

This piece of steadicam sauciness will last precisely one second longer than the continuous shot from Goodfellas – just for the bantz. It’ll be cool if in years to come, movie scholars will argue whether Goodfellas or Sentient Sex Dolls is the greatest continuous shot in cinematic history. They will eventually settle on Sentient Sex Dolls being the greatest continuous money shot.

It is also a very crucial plot point. Because as they follow Steve’s jizz the viewer will immediately be struck by the realisation that this is just more than a string of cum, it’s the epitome of the butterfly effect. As we watch it land onto sensitive machinery causing an explosion that tears open the space station you will understand that all of what is about to happen begun by one lonely man knocking one out in the toilet. This rope of semen becomes more of an existential odyssey than Kubrick’s 2001 could ever hope to be.

As the space station explodes the Main Titles begin playing out to a montage of what happens next. We are treated to clips of senate hearings and news reports about the destructive qualities of masturbating astronauts.

Reports of other space calamities caused by Spaceman semen occur and the future of our exploration beyond the stars is under threat. A solution to this epidemic is needed and quick.

A Senator suggests sending women instead but a NASA official replies “Do you know how much it would cost to kit them out in those shiny short skirts and thigh high boots?’

Eventually a group of scientists happen upon an idea – send specially constructed sex dolls to accompany the astronauts.

We cut to the President of the United States announcing that Sex Dolls will solve the Astronaut masturbating crisis. Now, a few years ago a President on the lawn of the White House talking about sex dolls in space would seem implausible but now?…Maybe not so much.

It is as the opening credits conclude that the viewer joins a particular band of intrepid and no longer sexually frustrated astronauts as they journey to the newly built Space Station.

In the cockpit is Matt. Quick back story Matt is the younger brother of Steve the wanker. This is revealed by some clever dialogue between Matt and the Control Centre.

Control: Okay Matt. Now comes the tricky part. You’ll need to concentrate for the link up. Clear your mind. Don’t think about the fact that your family was disgraced because of your brother Steve’s persistent masturbation addiction which caused an entire space station to explode.

We also know Matt is married with a kid. He looks up at two photos he has hanging from the cockpit. One a photo of his wife and child smiling by a tree and the other photo a more saucier one of his wife in lingerie. It is the latter that Matt stares at and with the sound of Control telling him to concentrate he turns to look at one of the sex dolls that accompanies him in the cockpit.

Maybe he has time for just a quick one?

He grabs the sex doll and begins wild lovemaking. The scene plays out with Matt lost in lust adopting all manner of sex positions all to the sounds of lights flashing, alarms, screaming and the increasingly irritated voice of Control.

What’s happening Matt?

Matt? Concentrate

Matt, are you fucking the Sex Doll?

Someone needs to get in there and disassemble that sex doll. Jeez this whole family are just wankers.

As the sex doll is riding Matt to a climax he looks over her shoulder through the cockpit window to witness the craft about to collide with the space station.

Matt’s final words are ‘Ooooh Fuck. Forgive me’.

Wide shot of the space station exploding. Probably if the CGI budget is tight can just use the same shot of the first station exploding but flip the image or something.

And that concludes the opening. Now you might think there’s a lot of throwaway stuff in there but all what you have witnessed will be relevant as the rest of the movie unfolds. Probably.

I know you have questions. How do the Sex Dolls end up on Saturn? So are they going to be Super and Sentient or just Super Sentient? And, you really are doing this aren’t you?

As always all these questions and more will be answered in a tightly woven plot with zero holes in it at all.

And yes whilst I haven’t actually explained how these Sex Dolls end up being from Saturn I have managed in the opening scene to put them vaguely yet plausibly in space during a montage which was pretty cool.

Stay Tuned for more Super Sentient Sex Dolls From Saturn

The Randomness Of Selina : Year 2 Day 10 – Movie Pitch :

Pausing the revival of Fell8 to just pitch another movie. Not Unicorned Squirrels but more a Ready Player One meets Footloose meets Karate Kid meets Fight Club etc etc.

Ready?

Set in the not too distant future video games have been banned because they were basically too violent.

World Leaders ordered this the same day they declared war on some country, shrugging off the carpet bombing of a school as acceptable collateral damage. But still they got to do something about those pesky violent video games.

Prior to the ban video games was a multi billion dollar industry with e-sports rising in popularity. Yet with video games of any sort being outlawed (including Mario, the psychotic drug induced plumber that he is) e-Sports has been driven underground.

Lurking below the streets are illegal gaming rooms where gamers battle it out for real money. As a result criminal gangs are involved recruiting the best players to play for them.

For reasons that won’t be totally explained, driving something underground turns everyone into extras from Mad Max 3 : Beyond Thunderdome. They are being all unruly and shouty. The MC is androgynous who speaks in rhyme, because why the hell not.

Obviously the first rule of Gamer Club is not to talk about Gamer Club, except in chat rooms which is a perfectly acceptable thing to do.

Above ground things aren’t going totally well either. The city has an affluent area and a poor area where crime is spiralling. After all if you can no longer drop in Tilted with your Squad you might as well go out and cause real mayhem. Am I right?

Anyhow, all this shit will be explained before the credits because it’s a lot to get through.

Opening scene we meet Jazz, she’s the hero. A smart girl who is also an excellent gamer. Unbeknownst to her Father she sneaks off to the illegal gaming dens to win money which she donates to the poor area of the city (less expenses).

Her Father is really strict and forbids her to do anything. He says it’s because he cares for her but there is an opposite argument that he’s just being an overprotective dick.

In any event she does not listen to him and just does what she wants. So we have her, the rebel and the Father who is the most straight laced person ever to walk the planet.

Every night she sneaks out to go to the illegal gaming place and here she meets Ryan. He’s super dreamy and nice. Yet her rebellious nature means she’s going to play hard to get.

He relentlessly pursues her and eventually they do share a moment following an epic win on Crash Bandicoot.

Sitting on some scaffolding they totally overshare about their life before having their first kiss. Awww.

However, there is something he’s not telling her. After an unfortunate episode with Mega Man he owes a gang a lot of money.

Ryan is forced to join the gang and is forced to participate in the ‘Illegal Gaming Tournament Of The Year’ where the prize is one million dollars.

Jazz enters as well and for reasons that I am not obliged to explain they seem oblivious that each of them have entered the tournament and may very well meet each other.

What follows is a mix of them winning their respective rounds, their young love blossoming and her dad telling her more stuff she can’t do.

Eventually madly in love they reach the final – it’s Jazz v Ryan. She’s pretty cool about that and figured they love each other so it won’t matter who wins, they will share the money.

But on the eve of the Final things go horribly tits up.

Firstly her Dad finds out that she has been illegally gaming. He tells her how disappointed he is. Indeed he gets an entire Family Tree that dates back to 1682 to list all the members of the family she has pissed off with her disobedience.

She tells him she hates him and her Father locks her in her room. But she escapes and goes to find Ryan.

When she reaches his house she sees him speaking with the leader of the gang. Now he is proper evil so has to have an evil sounding name like El Bastard or Trevor.

She watches him leave and Ryan catches her eye. She runs off crying and he pursues her. She’s confused – first her Father and now Ryan. Why are men such dicks? Sadly there is insufficient runtime to consider that age old question.

Anyway Ryan says some old bullshit and confesses about his involvement with the gang.

They hug and in that moment he has burdened her with his problem whilst seemingly not willing to share the burden of her irretrievable breakdown of a relationship with her Father.

The Final arrives. The crowd are pumped and full on Mad Max extras.

Before Jazz enters the arena El Bastard approaches her. He tries to get her to join his gang but she refuses.

With glee he explains that if Ryan loses today he will be killed.

Still laughing (cos he’s a bastard) he tells her he has made a sizeable bet for her to win and if she loses he will kill her. A tad unreasonable.

Jazz is confused if she wins then Ryan would be killed. If she loses she will be killed. That is what is known as a dilemma.

The game starts and tears are forming in her eyes. Ryan does not know that she knows he will be killed if she wins. Nor does he know she would be killed if she loses. Ryan is pretty clueless.

Ryan spots that she is not playing as well and speaks to her through his headset.

Ryan: Jazz you’re losing on purpose

Jazz: No I’m not

Ryan: You’re better than this. Think what you could do with the money. What about that Emotional Support Armadillo Centre you want to open? Think of the kids that will benefit

Jazz: But……

Ryan: But what…

Jazz: You’ll die

With the revelation that Jazz knows, Ryan closes his eyes and throws the game. Jazz screams ‘No’ and begins to cry.

The unnecessary feral crowd go wild and when they go quiet the sound of El Bastard/Trevor clapping can be heard.

With tears in her eyes she pleads with Trevor not to kill Ryan, offering him her prize money.

Now that does seem quite reasonable. Trevor would have his winnings and the prize money. He’d be pretty well off for doing literally bugger all.

However, Trevor is a dick evidenced by the fact he walks with a cane but has no actual disability. Because he’s a dick we get a very long monologue. The upshot of it is that if he didn’t kill Ryan people will think he’s not a dick and it’s important that people recognise he is a dick and indeed fear his dickish ness.

Still pleading with him she challenges him to a one on one game. If he loses he lets Ryan live. If he wins he can kill both her and Ryan.

Trevor accepts the challenge. The match is set for one hour.

This allows us to have a tender moment between Jazz and Ryan. It also sets up a shocking twist.

She goes to the bathroom and is unexpectedly attacked. Her assailants crush her hands.

Bruised and broken she returns to the arena to face Trevor. But her hands are so damaged she can hardly pick up the controller.

Trevor laughs ‘If you cannot play you must forfeit’

The MC says ‘Do you forfeit? I need to know in a bit’

Everyone seems to stare at everyone for ages and then the door swings open. From the gloom emerges her Father.

He takes her hands and kisses her gently on the top of the head. Addressing Trevor ‘She cannot play. I will take her place’.

Trevor laughs at the fact some grey haired old guy has challenged him but accepts.

Now it turns out that Jazz’s Father was a pro-gamer before the ban with his own Twitch channel and everything. He only became boring and a bit dickish when they banned video games.

In an epic battle Jazz’s Father defeats Trevor and the crowd go wild.

Trevor says something but Jazz’s Father turns around and punches him in the face saying ‘Leave my daughter alone’.

Jazz tells her Father she loves him and they along with Ryan leave the arena to the sound of the crowd cheering.

Now of course Trevor is such a bastard that he’ll probably arrange for them to all be killed. However, for now, as the end credits roll let’s just enjoy this heartwarming moment.

The End.