I present for the first time the Movie Pitch to The Overlord Unicorned Squirrels From Mars in one handy to read blog post.
No need to thank me . You’re welcome. Enjoy.
So the movie opens with a wide shot of a forest or a wood (not sure if there is a difference between a forest and a wood. I mean I have been propositioned many times to get naughty in the local woods but never a forest.)
So the camera takes the viewer inside the woods and in the clearing are a male and female having sex.
I think it’s always good to start a movie with a sex scene. After all there will be a lot of guys out on romantic dates and they maybe feeling a little horny at the prospect of what may lay ahead for them.
Research shows that they are unlikely to pay attention to what is happening on the screen and instead will be preoccupied with thinking up ways they can get their date to touch their junk in the dark cinema.
Therefore a sex scene right off the bat ought to provide adequate encouragement to quickly leave and go knock one out. This would mean that they can concentrate on the rest of the movie and their partner can enjoy the popcorn without the guy’s penis emerging from the kernels.
Now how full on we go with the sex scene will largely be based on the rating we are likely to get. If the squirrel based violence will see us R rated then I reckon go full on HBO with the sex.
We could get all arty with the sex scene. You know close up of writhing skin, fogged breath emerging from mouths all intercut with nature based metaphors like a close up of a worm going into a hole. Maybe keep going back to a confused looking sparrow.
Or we could simply settle for the sight of a pair of buttocks thrusting up and down as the sound of pleasure echoes through the forest (or woods).
As the sex scene reaches its climax we have a close up of the female, her eyes closed, the pleasure on her face clear. As she opens her eyes we follow her sight to a tree and there sits a squirrel with its back to her.
Her male companion speeds up with his thrusting, the moment of release is imminent. Throughout his fervent banging the female’s gaze is firmly on this squirrel.
The camera leaves the copulating couple and zooms in on the squirrel; the sounds of pleasure get louder and as we reach the squirrel it suddenly turns. The viewer is presented with its demonic red eyes, gnarling teeth and oversized unicorn horn on its head.
This monstrous squirrel leaps from the branches ( that shit would rock in 3D) and we hear the cries of pleasure turn into screams of terror.
It fades to black and we move to the titles. There needs to be a kick arse score with this. I read John Williams doesn’t want to do Star Wars anymore so he’ll be all over this shit. If he’s unavailable then my friend Jez likes to piss around on Garage Band on the iPad so probably could create a tune or two.
Make sure the titles are not tacky. This is, after all, a love story.
The opening score really needs to convey the emotion of killer unicorned squirrels whilst at the same time be a little jovial. You know let the viewer it might not be all bad that rodents with bushy tails and oversized horns want to kill us all.
The opening credits end. They need to run for sufficient time to allow the horny guys who had to go and release following the sex scene time to ..ahem…complete. So say at least 30 seconds.
Actually make it a minute so they can pick up something from the confectionary stand.
So the first scene after the opening credits is set in an apartment.
It is the apartment of Detective Dan Duprez. He’s a brilliant policeman but he’s damaged. Three ex-wives and a teenage daughter who doesn’t like him.
Dan solves crimes in an unorthodox way. He’s difficult to work with but no one seems to mind. Nope HR are cool with his inappropriate comments to his colleagues making the working environment rather toxic. His bosses don’t seem to mind that he has on more than one occasion rammed the face of a suspect against the wall of an interview room, only for it to turn out that guy didn’t do it, because Dan gets results.
I understand a brilliant but flawed Detective is nothing new so if you need him to have ‘a thing’. You know, something he can be associated with that separates him from the countless other brilliantly but flawed Detectives….then …I’m thinking he could presently be shacked up with a sex doll.
Hear me out. Firstly we are not just talking about one of those cheap sex dolls but the more modern ones. You know the ones with real feel skin and actual hair.
Next you got to be thinking about the merchandise. We need as many Pop Vinyl characters as possible and ‘Doll’ would look awesome on the shelf next to the Overlord Unicorned Squirrel.
Thirdly, I am quite confident I can fill the 1 hour 30 minutes of runtime with action and killer dialogue. I don’t need to use up screen time by having Nordicesque staring over a lake for five minutes.
However we need to explain crucial plot points to those who haven’t been paying attention.
So I’m thinking Detective Duprez goes home and tells ‘Doll’ about his day, telegraphing all the important plot points that the viewer needs to know….then he has sex with ‘Doll’.
Good eh? Okay but just don’t rule it out.
So in this scene we establish that he is a detective (his badge and gun are hanging on the bedpost), he is a drinker (he kicks over some whisky bottles), he is getting divorced (court papers are on the fridge) and he also has a daughter (photo also on the fridge). He also has opted for a simpler relationship with a sex doll….See, it really does fit in with the character development.
You may disagree but this has the same vibe as a Castaway Man loves Ball thing. Doll will be the new Wilson and she has tits.
So Detective Duprez goes to the fridge and starts drinking milk when the phone rings. He’s summonsed to attend the site of the grizzly slaughter by the unicorned squirrel we saw before the opening credits.
How much more time do I have to fill with this movie? Really? That long?
Okay maybe he can take the scenic route to the murder scene. Lots of atmospheric driving through narrow lanes in the forest with eerie music.
We follow Detective Duprez on his journey to the forest. To show how brilliant but flawed he is we need to have him driving a crap car so I suggest a Yugo 45 (my brother says he can get us one if we need it).
The Yugo 45 would also be a good choice because if we need to stretch this journey (or indeed any journey) out for runtime reasons it’s highly unlikely the Yugo can comfortably go higher than 60mph.
Anyway he eventually arrives at the crime scene and is met by his partner – Detective Bland.
To be honest, there really will be minimal character development with Detective Bland. His sole purpose is to explain police procedures to the audience and to emphasise how brilliant yet flawed Duprez is.
There really is little point to the character and Detective Duprez will spend the entire time just being a dick to him.
Inevitably Detective Bland will be killed off. I suppose just to make him vaguely interesting he can die saving Duprez.
Duprez of course will be all upset about it despite the fact he has been nothing but a dick to the guy. That should be good enough to sell the premise that flawed but brilliant Duprez always saw Bland as the son he never had. He was just being a complete dick because deep down he really loved him.
So killing Bland off following a brutal attack by a Unicorned Squirrel adds deeper emotional context to the complex characteristics of Duprez. Plus we get this awesome line of dialogue;
Duprez: No Bland that horn was meant for me.
Emotional stuff, right?
Anyway I’m getting ahead of myself. So Duprez and Bland walk towards the bodies that have been savagely attacked by a Unicorned Squirrel. There they meet a Forensic Pathologist.
Again no need to waste time with the character of the Forensic Pathologist because literally all we need he or she to do is engage in this line of dialogue;
Duprez: Cause of death?
Pathologist: I won’t be sure until I’ve studied the bodies back at the lab but if I were to guess I would say the multiple horn shaped penetrating wounds all over the body…. It’s either that or natural causes.
Duprez: What sort of weapon could have make such wounds?
Pathologist: I will know more when I’m back at the lab but I would guess it’s nothing man made.
Pathologist: Animals don’t make weapons but given the ferocity of the attack I would say we are looking at some sort of creature but I’ll know more when I’m back in the lab.
Duprez: What sort of creature could do this?
Pathologist: I have no idea I’m not a zoologist.
This would lead us nicely into Duprez getting back in his Yugo 45 and taking a long drive to go speak with the zoologist.
Yes I know this is all unnecessary because the audience knows it was a Unicorned Squirrel that did it. But do they know the squirrel is from Mars?…Yes it is in the title of the movie but do they know why the squirrels have come to earth . Okay so the Overlord bit in the title probably does suggest they want to enslave us and take over the world.
But do….Oh never mind.
So Duprez drives to the local zoo and there he meets Melissa the zoologist. She’s dressed in incredibly skimpy khaki shorts and her shirt is unbuttoned revealing ample cleavage.
Look, I know it’s 2018 and really we should be showcasing how this woman is clearly intelligent, has studied hard to achieve her choice of career and we should admire her for ability rather than looks, but we ain’t looking to break any glass ceilings with this movie…
Well there is that scene where the Unicorned Squirrels do crash through a glass ceiling to carry out a slaughter but that’s not the point.
So we first see her tending to an animal (whatever one we can get cheap and won’t shit all over the set).
Duprez wastes no time in walking up to Melissa and showing her the crime scene photos. Just like that! Duprez don’t give a shit. He’s cool with just waving pictures of mutilated bodies around but it’s okay because Duprez gets results.
Duprez : Could these have been caused by an animal?
Melissa: Not from any animal I know
Duprez: A rhino?
Melissa: I know rhinos. Besides it’s too small to have been caused by a rhino
Duprez: Are you sure? Are all your rhinos accounted for?
Now people may expect Melissa to respond along the lines of ‘Fuck you. I’ve spent my entire life studying animals and know how big a rhino horn is. Plus I’ve been here since five in the morning doing an entire round of the zoo. I’m educated, I’m competent and I’d know if a fucking rhino was missing , you dick’.
But instead we will have her happily agreeing to show Duprez to the rhino enclosure.
Now the short walk to the enclosure will all be from the point of view of one of those Unicorned Squirrel bastards, who is high up in a tree. Really ramp up the tension.
Melissa shows Duprez both rhinos are indeed still there. Whilst he should have just taken her word for it in the first place, the fact he would want to double check just shows what a brilliant yet flawed detective he is. Detectives who simply accept what a trained, educated, competent female zoologist may say don’t get results..Not like Duprez does.
As Duprez and Melissa are discussing the fact that the rhinos are still present (even though it’s clear to see they are both there) the Unicorned Squirrel gets closer ready to pounce and then….
Birds fly off from the tree startling Duprez. He asks ‘What’s that’ but Melissa does not respond ‘Birds flying away from a tree’. Instead she remarks that ‘Something must have startled them’.
From the point of view of the Unicorned Squirrel we see Duprez looking up. That brilliant, clever man, he knows something is up.
Duprez exits the zoo. Melissa watches him leave and then turns to walk away when suddenly down falls a….dead mutilated bird. (Yep we are going to troll the audience in thinking it’s a Unicorned Squirrel but it’s not. Those fake scares always work, trust me).
She kneels down to examine the dead bird before slowly looking up at the tree. We know danger lurks there, will Melissa be okay?
The scene cuts to Duprez driving his Yugo back to the Police Station. When he arrives back at the station there is a homeless man outside.
We could, of course, look to explore the social and economic reasons that has led this poor chap to endure a life of deprivation. We could seek to pass comment on a system that allows such hardships to occur. But we’re not.
Nope. The guy’s homeless so he’s going to be shouting about all manner of crazy bollocks. With his long beard and shabby clothes he’ll be screaming ‘They’re here!’ and ‘We’re doomed!’
Despite the fact that Duprez is paid to serve the residents of this town, which includes the homeless guy, he just pushes past him. Because Duprez don’t give a shit.
If you are indeed still reading this pitch with fervent enthusiasm then you may be asking ‘But wait the title suggests interplanetary warfare yet this so far has been a procedural Police drama’
Well, in the next scene we really move into the sci-fi by switching the action to a Secret Astrological Research Centre. Yes, it maybe a small town but when you think about it it’s an obvious place to put such an important and secret facility.
We meet Sophie who is dressed in a white lab coat and unnecessarily short skirt. The lab coat will immediately indicate to the viewer that she is a scientist.
When we first meet her she is looking through a telescope. This will clearly establish she is a space scientist.
Now we do have an important back story to tell with Sophie but I’m acutely aware we need to get back to the gratuitous slaughter of people no-one gives a shit about by the Unicorned Squirrels.
How we achieve this is by introducing another character who can best be described as a ‘dodgy bastard’. We will make it immediate apparent that this guy is odd as he will be bald, have an eye patch and will walk with a limp. He too will be wearing a lab coat. His name is Professor Schrinkle.
From his point of view we see him creep up on Sophie who is attentively looking up at the stars.
“Still trying to find him” He asks in a creepy voice which startles Sophie.
What follows is important dialogue between Sophie and Schrinkle.
Sophie: I will never give up looking for my Father who disappeared during that mission to Mars when I was just a little girl.
Schrinkle: I admire you Sophie. Ever since I was lead scientist on that mission to Mars I have often wondered what happened to your Father.
Sophie: I know you and my Father were good friends and people blamed you for what went wrong. But I know you would have never done anything to endanger him. You’ve been good to me and I remember you ensuring me and mum were okay. You spent a lot of time coming round our house to check on my mum and you also paid for me to make it through Astrological Scientist School. I’m grateful for everything you’ve done.
Schrinkle: How is your Mother by the way? Is she still single? Does she still yoga by that open window on a Tuesday?
He puts his robotic hand on her shoulder (I’ve decided he should have a robotic hand) and whispers “We will find out what happened to him”.
She stands up and moves to take a shower. The owners of this Top Secret Astrological Research Centre decided, following a team meeting, to install a shower after concerns about Sweaty Steve’s personal hygiene were raised.
Having had no real nudity in the movie since the opening scene we need to unnecessarily flash a bit of flesh.
Plus this does allow us to emphasise the creepiness of Schrinkle who watches Sophie through the frosted glass. The sound of creaking metal joints will imply that Schrinkle is pleasuring himself with his robotic hand.
There we have it, all the main players in this emotional melodrama are now in place. It’s time to take it up a notch.
We enter the second act with important scenes exploring the emotional complexity of the characters interspersed with many Unicorned Squirrel based deaths.
Duprez goes to visit his teenage daughter and is immediately faced with hostility from his ex-wife. She clearly did not appreciate that he is brilliant but flawed.
She has found stability with Derek but it’s important that the viewer has absolutely no respect for Derek.
Sure, he’s reliable, loyal and has provided a safe and peaceful haven for Duprez’s ex wife and daughter. He’s been able to remove them from a chaotic life that ultimately would have seen them spiral into a pit of depression.
He’s stepped up and provided a stable home; giving them all the love he can.
But, fuck you Derek, you’re so boring. When Duprez acts like a dick towards Derek, we won’t care. There’s never been a super hero called Mr Dependable. Batman never became a vigilante because he was tortured by which rubbish bin was being collected that week.
And no-one is going to give a shit when Derek gets brutally murdered by a Unicorned Squirrel.
Duprez wouldn’t have got killed – you loser.
We cut to a scene of a sweet old lady walking her dogs in a park. She lets them off the leash and they run towards the trees. There is rustling of leaves and a high pitched yelp.
The old lady calls out for her dogs. They don’t come. Concerned she walks amongst the trees and there she sees the mutilated corpses of her beloved pets.
With tears in her eyes she looks up at the tree and we see a Unicorned Squirrel pounce down on top of her.
Poor old lady. A retired nurse who, when her husband of forty years died , dedicated her life to a variety of charitable causes. Her five children, ten grandchildren and two great grandchildren are going to be devastated when they learn of her gruesome death. But you’re more upset the dogs died, right?
Duprez arrives at the scene, abandoning his theory that an animal is responsible, he now believes this is the work of a sadistic serial killer.
He examines the bloody consequence of the attack and speaks for the viewer when he exclaims “What sick bastard would do this to a dog?”
Some pointless dialogue and unnecessary explanations will follow from Bland and the Pathologist.
We move back to the Secret Astrological Research Centre where Sophie is getting nearer to solving the puzzle as to what happened to her Father.
We will know this by her exclamations of ‘Strange’ and ‘That’s not possible’. We won’t no exactly what is strange or indeed what isn’t possible. I’d like to say it’s to add a bit of mystery but to be honest I haven’t sorted out all the science stuff just yet.
But this scene is all about Sophie being curious, especially about that strange mechanical sound she hears whenever she turns her back on Professor Schrinkle.
Back to the action now as we cut to an amorous couple; a cheerleader and a football player about to indulge in some carnal pleasure in the woods.
She kneels down ready to perform some expert oral action. The guy throws his head back with pleasure and when he opens his eyes staring back at him is a Unicorned Squirrel, whom piledrives him in the skull.
Blood spurts everywhere which rains down upon the screaming cheerleader who tries to run away before she is also brutally murdered.
Duprez attends concerned about the escalation in murders. He wants to catch who has done this because Duprez gets results.
We quickly move back to the zoo and Melissa is doing zoo like stuff (just in case anyone has forgotten she is a zoologist….although the khaki shorts and the giraffe in the background should be enough).
An evil lurks in the zoo and from the point of view of a bastard squirrel we see it creeping up on Melissa ready to pounce.
Is this the end for poor Melissa? Could this movie be about to get its first meaningful death?
Despite the Unicorned Squirrels being pretty deadly and accurate thus far, for reasons no-one can explain or indeed care about, this particular squirrel misses Melissa as it lunges for her.
What follows is a dramatic and tense chase round the grounds of the zoo. The squirrel bastard relentless in its pursuit. Melissa hides in a room, out of breath..scared. Just when she thinks it is safe…..BAM… A horn pierces the wall.
She screams and tries to runs away but she’s trapped. All she can do is helplessly watch as the squirrel burrows through the concrete. It’s demonic red eyes and gnarling teeth are clearly visible.
She backs into the corner of the wall but the squirrel has its prey just where it wants it. It bares it’s teeth and launches itself towards her.
Then…..BANG….Melissa hits the squirrel with a conveniently placed metal tray. The squirrel is knocked unconscious and then, for good measure, she repeatedly stamps on the fucker.
Back at the Police Station, Duprez is staring thoughtfully at the Evidence Wall. He mumbles that he is ‘missing something’ , but what?
Outside there is a screech of tyres and in walks Melissa holding a bag, her top has conveniently , yet somewhat inexplicably , been ripped in the squirrel attack to show off more flesh.
She tips up the bag and the now dead (and somewhat stamped on) Unicorned Squirrel falls onto the table.
“Here’s your killer!” she pronounces.
Duprez, brilliant as always, enquires what type of animal this.
Breathlessly Melissa responds “This is not any species I know. This is alien.”
And with that revelation we move towards the Final Act.
Melissa points to the dead Unicorned Squirrel to Duprez, declaring that it is an alien species. Now, Duprez in his flawed but brilliant way, is having none of it.
Forgetting he has zero qualifications to even attempt a conversation about alien species, he’s straight up in there suggesting Melissa is crazy for saying it.
Then she shows him the green blood that is oozing from the temple of the Unicorned Squirrel (which occurred when Melissa repeatedly bashed its head in with a metal tray).
Even Duprez knows that green blood can mean only one thing….Alien; well that or you really need to be seeing a Doctor.
Duprez is now all happy to accept its an alien species (not that he really had any justification for disputing that in the first place) and he wants to know more.
Despite the very intelligent Melissa pointing out it was alien, Duprez decides someone else needs to provide more information, so it’s off to the Secret Astrological Research Centre.
Yes, I know it’s meant to be secret but it’s a small town and half the residents work there. Plus there is a whopping great telescope sticking out the roof.
Duprez and Melissa leave the Police station , pushing past the crazy homeless guy still banging on about someone coming, and drive to the Secret Astrological Research Centre.
Despite it being a top secret facility owned by the Government which clearly Duprez does not have clearance for he just storms straight in because Duprez don’t give a shit. Strangely, the people paid to actually stop anyone walking in to a top secret facility don’t really put much effort into stopping him.
Inside he meets Sophie and slams the dead Unicorned Squirrel on a table. WHAM! Just like he couldn’t care less about showing a member of the public photos of decapitated bodies, he’s just waving around dead alien corpses for all to see.
“We think it’s an alien” says Duprez, conveniently ignoring the fact that about ten minutes ago he was ready to have Melissa certified for suggesting such a thing.
Sophie begins to examine the squirrel corpse saying things like ‘interesting’, ‘curious’ and ‘I wonder’ (Like with the science stuff I haven’t got the alien bits all sorted yet but these vague sentiments will be enough to make the viewer think that some mysterious shit is going on).
They are interrupted by Professor Schrinkle. He’s being all creepy and when advised by Duprez of the alien species he offers to help in anyway he can. Schrinkle doesn’t mean it because he is a creepy lying bastard.
It is agreed that Sophie would perform an autopsy on the alien squirrel because that is apparently what Astrological physicists do. Melissa agrees to stay and help and promises to let Duprez know as soon as they find anything out.
Working into the night Sophie and Melissa start talking, it will be a great way to fill in some back story without taking up much time.
Having only just met these girls are not shy of over sharing. Sophie tells Melissa about her dad who was an astronaut that went missing on a one man mission to Mars. She explains how it destroyed the family and left her with a numb feeling of emptiness all her life.
Melissa tells Sophie she is a lesbian.
They then have sex.
Hot, naked lesbian sex.
Putting aside the appropriateness of having sex in a place of work , especially one where you are about to cut open an alien squirrel, there should be nothing wrong with two women expressing their desire for each other.
Love is love and this should be seen as the most natural thing ever.
However, from the point of view of getting people to watch the movie, a hot lesbian sex scene should see it ripped and posted on a website like Pornhub.
A number of guys eager to knock one our before their wife comes home or mum calls them for dinner will watch it. They will then assume that Overlord Unicorned Squirrels is full of hot sex.
They will of course find out that it just has a pair of male writhing buttocks at the start, a solo shower scene and a bit of lesbian sex. But we won’t care because they would have paid their money.
It’s not as if someone is going to post a review on Rotten Tomatoes saying ‘Can only jerk off one and a half times to this ‘.
Anyway, Melissa and Sophie have sex featuring saxophone music, heavy breathing and the sound of a mechanical arm going back and forth.
Melissa awakes from the post-coitus slumber and wraps a sheet round her. Despite not giving a shit about the alien squirrel when she was all horny now that she has had a few orgasms she decides to take a look….. But it’s gone!
She alerts Sophie to the absence of the previously dead alien Unicorned Squirrel. Where could it be?
Back in town, Duprez is just driving around in his Yugo when he gets a call on the radio. There are multiple reports of a disturbance at the bowling alley. Reports of rodents…with horns.
“Shit!” Duprez says performing a handbrake turn in his Yugo “It’s Thursday night. That’s the Mother and Daughter Bowling Tournament Night. I got to get there”.
To really ramp up the tension what we need to do is add a few scenes before Duprez gets the call of a squirrel disturbance.
In these scenes we will see a bunch of random people enjoying themselves at the Mother/Daughter bowling tournament. The mere fact we are paying attention to anybody here is a clear signpost that they are all going to die.
So we have the elderly mother and daughter couple. The daughter is 80 and the mother is 105 and they were at the very first Mother/Daughter bowling tournament; indeed they won it in 1972. Anyhow, they are going to be killed by squirrels.
Next you have a touching scene where a daughter tells her mother that she loves her very much. The mother holding a bowling ball turns and smiles, it’s a loving smile. Then a squirrel emerges from the bowling ball machine and pierces the mother’s head with its horn. Heartbreaking stuff.
We do of course need a loveable fat guy. I’m acutely aware there has been no loveable fat guy in this movie. Let’s change that by introducing Al. He works at the bowling place. Everybody loves Al.
Al tries to save everyone by grabbing the shot gun he keeps under his desk (no one has ever questioned why he has a gun at a bowling alley). Anyway he shoots a few squirrel bastards before ushering a number of patrons to safety into a store cupboard.
Locking the door he turns to utter the words ‘We’ll be safe in here’, right before numerous squirrel horns shoot through the wooden door and spear him to death.
Poor Al. He only had a few days left to retire before he can devote more time to that orphanage he was building.
As we know Duprez’s ex wife and daughter are at the bowling alley. Also there is Derek. You remember Derek, right? Loyal , loving Derek who has provided a stable home to Duprez’s ex wife and daughter.
Now he could be at home watching sports or be out with the boys drinking. Yet he has chosen to pop along to the bowling alley to support the love of his life. What a nice guy. Yet you’re still not going to give a shit when he dies.
But how are Duprez’s ex wife and daughter fairing in this squirrel onslaught? Surprisingly well.
Whilst others run for their lives they have the wherewithal to knock out a few squirrel bastards with hefty swings of a bowling ball.
Yep. Poor Al couldn’t see those squirrels off with a shotgun but a forty year old mother and her teenage daughter can get the job done with a bowling ball (a 12 pound one if you’re interested).
Strangely, the squirrels had been launching at people with pinpoint accuracy yet when it comes to Duprez’s ex wife and daughter they keep on missing.
Finally, Duprez enters the bowling alley. Despite agreeing to protect the entire town he’s more concerned with the welfare of his ex wife and daughter. No one seems to care much about that and are happy another guy has turned up with a gun (the other gun owner, Al, is presently hanging from the door like a macabre pin the tail on the donkey).
Duprez’s ex wife and daughter are both very happy to see Duprez. This proves that even if you are an absolute dick if you try to save someone during a squirrel apocalypse that’ll make you an okay guy.
However , these squirrels are cunning bastards. They circle around Duprez, his ex wife and daughter. This is strange because they could just all launch at them, giving them zero chance of survival. But now they are doing this stalking thing…..it’s for dramatic effect.
Duprez and co are in danger. Can anyone save them? Well Bland (remember him? No didn’t think so) tries to help. He got the call to assist and left his pregnant girlfriend at home. She told him to come back in one piece. He promised. The squirrels rip him in two. Therefore, not only did Bland not do very well at saving anyone, he lied to his pregnant girlfriend.
The squirrels approach the trapped Duprez family. He’s out of bullets. The ex wife has thrown the bowling ball (her motive remains unclear).
Unarmed. No where to go. Who will save them?
Derek. That’s who . Derek will save them.
He jumps in between them and waves a pole at the squirrels. Turning back he tells the previously trapped Duprez clan to run.
Now Duprez ought to be saying ‘No Derek I am employed to look after all residents including you. You go’
But he doesn’t. He grabs his ex wife and daughter and runs out of the bowling alley while Derek bravely fends off the squirrels.
The ex wife looks back to see the squirrels pounce on Derek. She screams and Duprez pulls her to the car saying there is nothing that can be done for him (you didn’t really try Duprez).
Poor Derek. Died saving the woman he loves….. You still don’t give a shit he’s dead.
They reach Duprez’s Yugo and get inside but they are not alone. Squirrels surround the car. A few take a shot at the vehicle piercing the metal. There is no escape. A violent and bloody death is inevitable.
Then suddenly they stop. The squirrels stand on their hind legs… something is calling them, but what?
They all begin to run away. Where are they going? Duprez wants to find out and decides that his ex wife and daughter are safer with him following every single one of the killer Unicorned Squirrels than maybe back at the police station or somewhere.
Soon Duprez realises where the squirrels are heading…. The Secret Astrological Research Centre. But why?
The action moves back to the Secret Astrological Research Centre.
You will recall that shortly after having inappropriately timed hot lesbian sex, Melissa and Sophie realise that the most certainly dead Unicorned Squirrel is in fact not dead and has gone missing.
Whilst it could be possible for them to play out the entirety of the scene naked, it is likely to be considered unnecessarily gratuitous. So have them slip on an ultra skin tight space suit that just happens to be laying around.
Despite the fact that the suit can zip all the way up both Melissa and Sophie, realising that time is of the essence to hunt for this squirrel, only zip the front up halfway thus displaying cleavage.
Some may argue that in itself is gratuitous but those same people would be moaning if Melissa or Sophie met a bloody end because they were too busy concentrating on a zip than worrying about a killer squirrel.
They notice drops of green blood and choose to follow it. For reasons that will be unclear they follow the trail by torchlight rather than turning the main lights on.
This, of course, will give us the opportunity for a tense scene as they follow the trail along a spooky dark corridor. Lots of unnecessary fake jump scares can be had.
Eventually, they reach a door. The trail of blood stops. The squirrel is inside!
Sophie remarks she’s never seen this door before. Melissa chooses not to raise questions as to how observant Sophie is. Nor how a squirrel managed to open a door. There’s no time for that. Besides, they are more curious about the purple glow that emanates from under the door.
They enter the room and see Professor Schrinkle, now in full mad scientist mode. He’s unnecessarily pressing buttons and pulling levers. To his right is the cause of the purple glow….a large portal that hovers in mid air.
There are squirrels in the room but their attention is not on Sophie or Melissa. The squirrels sit poised in a semi-circle staring at the portal. What are they looking at? What are they waiting for?
Before we can answer that we must first deal with Professor Schrinkle who, as he is now full mad scientist, must embark on a really pointless monologue.
To be honest what he will say will make no sense but I’m guessing that by this point of the movie no one will really care. If need be just keep cutting back to Sophie and Melissa with their cleavage showing to sustain interest.
Anyway here is the monologue:-
Schrinkle: They didn’t believe me Sophie. They blamed me. For everything. But I knew there was something out there.
I didn’t want your father to die Sophie. It wasn’t my fault. But they blamed me.
I loved your Mother, Sophie. If they hadn’t blamed me maybe she could have loved me too.
I watched you grow up without a father into the beautiful , attractive woman you are. So intelligent and with all the curves in the right places. At the same time your Mother got old and wrinkly and I realised I love you.
But how could you love me? After what they said I had done!
Well I’m going to show them. Show them all. It’s coming. It cannot be stopped.
Sophie and Melissa look into the portal and there moving closer is a giant Unicorned Squirrel. Demonic eyes, teeth large. It must be the size of a skyscraper. It is the Overlord.
Sophie: You’re mad. That thing will kill us all
Schrinkle: I can keep you safe . Come with me….and you can bring your friend next to you if you want.
Sophie: You’re insane. I could never be with a monster like you
Schrinkle pulls out a gun and says “If you won’t be with me then you must die”.
Just as Schrinkle goes to pull the trigger someone hits him from behind, knocking him out. But who is their saviour?
Hey…It’s the crazy homeless guy (they really need to up their security in this facility).
He looks at Sophie. She looks at him
“Dad?” She says with tears in their eyes and they embrace. Emotional stuff.
Now of course we are going to have to deal with a few obvious plot holes here which thankfully can be done by way of another monologue.
Former crazy homeless guy : Oh Sophie I remember it now. That portal must have kickstarted my memory.
I remember going to Mars….seeing those things and knowing I had to warn everyone.
Something must have happened. I don’t know what but I returned to Earth with only fragments of my mind. I thought I was going crazy.
But I’ve found you now. I’m here. I will keep you safe.
It’s at this point a squirrel, who are well known not to care for emotional reunions , launches itself at Sophie’s Dad.
It burrows it’s horn up through his anus and out of his stomach.
Sophie is understandably rather upset by this. Having just been reunited with her long lost father she is a little pissed she has just had to watch him die from a Unicorned Squirrel climbing up his rectum.
She takes out all her frustration on this turn of events by stamping the fuck out of the squirrel. She then crumbles to the floor in a sobbing mess.
Melissa is equally confused with what is happening. Totally unprepared on how you comfort someone who has just witnessed their father die by squirrel, she also is unsure if now would be a good time to enquire if they will be having sex again later.
Instead, Melissa turns to the more pressing problem of the extremely large squirrel about to come through the portal.
“Sophie. Help. We’ve got to shut this portal off” She cries.
Will they do it? Or will the world crumble under the ferocious might of the Overlord Unicorned Squirrel?
Where is Duprez? And what of the hordes of squirrels making their way towards the centre?
How will it end? Does anyone actually still care?
The enormous Overlord Unicorned Squirrel is making its way to earth. If he or she – let’s not go assuming a murderous horned squirrel’s gender now – arrives it will be armageddon.
Can Melissa and Sophie turn off the portal to prevent this monster from entering the earth’s atmosphere?
Well they try.
Recovering surprisingly quickly from witnessing the brutal death of her father she had literally just been reunited with after many long years, Sophie springs into action to turn off the portal.
Now I’m guessing that no actual scientists will watch this movie so we can have Sophie say all manner of crazy shit that actually makes no sense.
Here’s the dialogue:-
Melissa: What are we going to do?
Sophie: If I can reverse the polarity and reduce the quantum flux then perhaps the gravitational constant will cause the portal to fall in on itself. But I’ll need you to control the heliocentric ionosphere.
Melissa: Great let’s do that
See putting together science type words randomly in a sentence works. Unless someone sits down and actually studies the dialogue we ought to get away with it.
Melissa and Sophie begin to shut down the portal, but wait, Schrinkle is awake! What maniacal thing is he about to do?
He crawls slowly to the machine and reaching out his mechanical hand he….. switches the machine off. Oh, the devilish Professor Schrinkle.
Melissa and Sophie look perplexed and then suddenly Schrinkle’s skeletal hand grabs at Sophie’s leg.
We cut away from this tense scene to see what Duprez is up to. He’s merrily chasing the horde of squirrels in his Yugo.
They reach a cornfield and the trail goes cold. Where have the squirrels gone? Duprez stops the car and turns off the engine. The headlights dimly illuminating the cornfield.
Then the squirrels emerge from the corn, circling the Yugo, ready to rip the occupants to shreds. Despite the car working perfectly all week and only recently having a full service the car will not start. They are trapped! They are at the mercy of the squirrels.
Duprez checks his gun, just one clip of ammo left and hundreds of squirrels. He’s still going to give it a go because Duprez don’t give a shit.
The squirrels get ready to pounce but then….. the army arrive!
Thankfully there is a fully operational army base just the other side of the cornfield and they come with tanks and machine guns and blast the squirrel bastards.
Yep, this town also has its own army. It really is a wonderful place to live.
We keep cutting back and forth between scenes of the army slaughtering the squirrels and Schrinkle and Sophie fighting.
She’s kicking at him and he’s just taking the opportunity to grope at her ass and tits. Meanwhile, Melissa works out that Schrinkle turned the machine off and sets about switching it back on.
However, there are squirrels blocking the switch. Back and forth the action goes of soldiers v squirrels, Sophie v Schrinkle and Melissa booting some squirrels out the way so she can get to the switch.
How long these scenes go on for is largely dependent on how much more runtime we have left to fill.
It concludes with the army vanquishing the squirrels, Sophie smashing Schrinkle’s face in with her stilettos (the ultra skin tight space suit has stilettos) and Melissa turning the switch back on.
But as the machine powers back up Schrinkle, a bloody mess, laughs and says “You’re too late. It’s entered the earth’s atmosphere. You’ve lost”.
Now we’ve covered a lot of deep and meaningful themes in this movie. Possibly, we could bring some political intrigue into this movie.
We move to the White House where the President of the United States of America has just been informed of the pending invasion of the Overlord Unicorned Squirrel.
President: We must nuke the bastard
Random staff member: Sir, we don’t have any nuclear weapons.
RSM: Well they are quite dangerous and expensive to have around so we actually haven’t had any for years and we just say that we have. No one has ever really questioned us actually owning any.
President: So we don’t have nukes?
RSM: No, Sir
President (on telephone): Get me Britain…… Hey Prime Minister you heard about this gigantic monster
Prime Minister: Oh yes. Such a brute. We have had an emergency meeting where it was agreed that Beatrix Potter had lied to us.
President: You going to nuke it?
Prime Minister: Oh heavens no. Such frightful things those nuclear weapons. No, we have never had any.
President: What the hell do you keep in those subs then?
Prime Minister: Oh just old souvenirs from previous Royal Weddings. But we have a plan.
President: Which is?
Prime Minister: We shall wait for it to arrive and tell it to jolly well bugger off. If that does not work we intend to throw rocks at it.
President (to random staff member): What about anyone else? The EU?
RSM: They need all member states to agree on a motion that they will have a look around the place to see if they could find nuclear weapons. A meeting is scheduled for next Wednesday… although France said they might not be able to make it.
President: North Korea?
RSM: They said ‘nah we’ve just been shitting with you, mate’
RSM: They pretended to be an answerphone message but we could hear them giggling.
President: So there’s no one?
RSM: I’m afraid not sir
President: Then God help us all
We watch as the monstrous, evil Overlord Unicorned Squirrel hurtles towards earth.
Close ups of helpless faces of our main characters, scenes of people watching this terrible event unfold on televisions all across the world.
This is it. The end. The earth will perish at the hands of a rather large squirrel.
All hope is lost. No one can save us.
WHAMMMM!!! Out of nowhere a red Tesla Roadster slams into the Overlord Squirrel moving him away from the earth.
Good job someone decided to stick one of them up in space.
The movie concludes with joyous scenes as the world celebrates it will not become a large squirrel’s bitch.
Duprez hugs his ex wife and daughter. Yes, near armageddon is enough to make her forget he is a total dick.
Finally, Melissa and Sophie kiss passionately and in that moment Sophie forgets that the skewered corpse of her father lay only inches away from her. Epic music and the sound of a mechanical arm going up and down plays over their passionate kissing.
Roll end credits.
Of course we need an end credits scene so picture this….
Deep space. Silent. We hear the echoing sounds of Space Oddity and slowly into view comes the Roadster with the Overlord Squirrel wrapped round the bumper. It looks dead. Then, suddenly it opens its eyes.
And then back to a list of people who unashamedly made this movie
At the end the obligatory ‘No squirrels were harmed in the making of this movie (even though they are bastards)’.
Followed up with Unicorned Squirrels will return in ‘Hiberannihilation’
Sad that it’s over? Well there are a few more Squirrel posts for you to enjoy!
Cool Character Concepts drawn by the talented Robert Ahmad.
Or perhaps you are wondering what happened to Doll? All is revealed in this Deleted Scene
Maybe you want to see the Trailer