Super Sentient Sex Dolls From Saturn : Part Three

Part Two concluded with a sentient sex doll lowering herself to her knees in front of Spencer. She begins to unbuckle his trousers as she looks up at him.

Now Spencer is more than happy for all of this to happen. I get the more romantic of you are thinking hang on a moment isn’t he pining for his one true love, Becky. Surely, his love would mean he’d resist getting a blowjob from a strange naked woman that randomly turned up in his garage.

Well, look, if it makes it easier Spencer was only going to go upstairs and masturbate furiously to Becky’s Insta pics sooooo, you know.

Anyway, as the sentient sex doll is unfurling Spencer’s penis she looks up at him and says ‘I forgive you…..Matt’.

Spencer recoils and stutters ‘Why did you say that name?’ The Sex Doll cocks her head to one side (NB – this is a good cinematic trick because the cocking of the head clearly indicates that they are either an android, serial killer or if it’s an animated movie – a dog)

“Are you not Matt?” she asks.

“No! I’m Spencer….Matt was my Dad”

That’s right. Spencer is the son of Matt who you will recall from Part One was the horny astronaut who ended up crashing into the space station because he was preoccupied with the sex doll.

“Why did you say that name?” Spencer asks again. By now his erection is all but gone. Your lover erotically muttering the name of a dead relative would do that.

“Because you are Matt”

“No Matt was the name of my Father”

“He used to like me calling him Daddy as well”

A beam of red light shoots from her eye and scans Matt up and down. Cocking her head to one side (Android thinking pose) she says “But my DNA scanner says you are Matt…Perhaps my systems were damaged in the crash. I need to perform a full system scan”

And with that she shuts down. The glow in her eye disappears and she remains their motionless. Spencer circles her, curious as to what she actually is and as he admires her naked body he’s probably a little horny as well.

We follow Spencer as he attempts to get the sex doll from the garage to his bedroom whilst avoiding being caught by his Mother, whom has chosen that very moment to walk from room to room doing various chores. After much innuendo and near misses he reaches his room and places the sex doll on the bed.

Spencer checks out the sex doll once again and he’s definitely tempted but any possibility of anything happening is interrupted by the sound of stones being thrown at the window. He looks out and sees his best friend Paul, a nerd who likes to go by the online name of Havoc-P.

Spencer leans out the window and says “Dude, why you throwing stones at my window? Just FaceTime me like everyone else”

Paul replies “I tried you weren’t answering. And it’s games night – thought we could play UNO Extreme” (NB – nerds apparently like to play board games or something so this simple dialogue establishes that Spencer and Paul and nerdish.)

Spencer declines which makes Paul suspicious. I mean who could say no to an extreme version of UNO, right nerds? As Spencer is trying to get Paul to go away the sex doll’s red light shines, illuminating the room.

“What’s that?” asks Paul. Spencer says it’s nothing but Paul isn’t having any of it and after a failed attempt to climb up to the bedroom, he knocks on the front door and is let in by Spencer’s mum.

“Woaaa! Is that a sex doll??” Paul exclaims “I’m glad you’ve moved on from trying to get Becky to go out with you and accepted that this is your best opportunity of having sex.”

Paul leans in closer to examine the sex doll “This is some top quality tech. Must be one of those Japanese models. It’s so realistic. Have you tried it out?”

“No! I’m not sure what it…she…is. I think she might be from space or something. She knew my Dad”

“Your dad? The one who was an astronaut but died in a tragic space accident dead dad? What you think she might be an alien or maybe a cyborg?…. Hang on, what’s this?”

Paul notices a symbol on the inside of her wrist. “I’ve seen this before, amongst some tech my Dad has in the basement”

It’s decided they would take the sex doll to Paul’s house to investigate further. We have a scene of both Spencer with the assistance of Paul getting the motionless sex doll down the stairs while his mum is once again choosing to wander round every room they have to pass doing chores. Much hilarity ensues.

Finally they manage to get the sex doll out the house and hoist her over a bicycle and we leave them en route to Paul’s house as we revisit the crash site. There we see a mean looking man in a black suit and tie speaking into a radio.

“It’s definitely them. They’ve all gone. We may have a problem.”

They? There’s more than one? And why would a group of specially designed sex dolls be a problem? And where are they?

Stay tuned for Part 4 when I may or may not address any of that.

Super Sentient Sex Dolls From Saturn – Part One

You ready for another epic Movie Pitch? Then let’s do it. (By the way that was a rhetorical question because I am doing this whether you want to or not).

So with thrill and excitement still buzzing in your beautiful mind, settle down as the second movie from OfSelina begins.

Now we have a lot to cover in the opening such as how or indeed why are there sex dolls on Saturn. No doubt there will be much chuntering in the cinema about whether these sex dolls are super and sentient or if they are super sentient? And if the latter what does that even mean? Well, who knows and by the end of this … who cares?

So to cram a shed load of back story into a very short period of time we adopt a time honoured Cinematic ploy of Flashback and Montage….

First the flashback. The movie opens with a wide shot of space because, after all, this is a science fiction movie and nothing says Sci-Fi like stars and shit.

‘International Space Station – Sometime Ago’

We meet an unnamed generic astronaut moving through the space station looking for ‘Steve’. A cool continuous shot of him just floating around asking anyone he meets if they have seen Steve. They all shake their heads with one asking ‘Who is Steve?’

Eventually we are introduced to the mysterious Steve who is in the toliet….. masturbating wildly.

(NB Long time sufferers who follow me and have read CONFESSIONS will know that Steve is the name of my ex. I want to make it clear for legal reasons that I am not implying in any subtle way that he is and always will be a wanker. Clear? Cool, back to the story.)

In his haste to masturbate Steve has forgotten to lock the door and unnamed generic astronaut opens it just at the moment of ejaculation causing Steve to fall forward and the consequence of his fervent wrist action flies out. Because there is no gravity we see his jizz escape through the door and it travels the same route that unnamed spaceman had taken. This journey of Steve’s Semen will be one continuous shot as people duck out of the way to avoid the cum’s commute in zero gravity.

This piece of steadicam sauciness will last precisely one second longer than the continuous shot from Goodfellas – just for the bantz. It’ll be cool if in years to come, movie scholars will argue whether Goodfellas or Sentient Sex Dolls is the greatest continuous shot in cinematic history. They will eventually settle on Sentient Sex Dolls being the greatest continuous money shot.

It is also a very crucial plot point. Because as they follow Steve’s jizz the viewer will immediately be struck by the realisation that this is just more than a string of cum, it’s the epitome of the butterfly effect. As we watch it land onto sensitive machinery causing an explosion that tears open the space station you will understand that all of what is about to happen begun by one lonely man knocking one out in the toilet. This rope of semen becomes more of an existential odyssey than Kubrick’s 2001 could ever hope to be.

As the space station explodes the Main Titles begin playing out to a montage of what happens next. We are treated to clips of senate hearings and news reports about the destructive qualities of masturbating astronauts.

Reports of other space calamities caused by Spaceman semen occur and the future of our exploration beyond the stars is under threat. A solution to this epidemic is needed and quick.

A Senator suggests sending women instead but a NASA official replies “Do you know how much it would cost to kit them out in those shiny short skirts and thigh high boots?’

Eventually a group of scientists happen upon an idea – send specially constructed sex dolls to accompany the astronauts.

We cut to the President of the United States announcing that Sex Dolls will solve the Astronaut masturbating crisis. Now, a few years ago a President on the lawn of the White House talking about sex dolls in space would seem implausible but now?…Maybe not so much.

It is as the opening credits conclude that the viewer joins a particular band of intrepid and no longer sexually frustrated astronauts as they journey to the newly built Space Station.

In the cockpit is Matt. Quick back story Matt is the younger brother of Steve the wanker. This is revealed by some clever dialogue between Matt and the Control Centre.

Control: Okay Matt. Now comes the tricky part. You’ll need to concentrate for the link up. Clear your mind. Don’t think about the fact that your family was disgraced because of your brother Steve’s persistent masturbation addiction which caused an entire space station to explode.

We also know Matt is married with a kid. He looks up at two photos he has hanging from the cockpit. One a photo of his wife and child smiling by a tree and the other photo a more saucier one of his wife in lingerie. It is the latter that Matt stares at and with the sound of Control telling him to concentrate he turns to look at one of the sex dolls that accompanies him in the cockpit.

Maybe he has time for just a quick one?

He grabs the sex doll and begins wild lovemaking. The scene plays out with Matt lost in lust adopting all manner of sex positions all to the sounds of lights flashing, alarms, screaming and the increasingly irritated voice of Control.

What’s happening Matt?

Matt? Concentrate

Matt, are you fucking the Sex Doll?

Someone needs to get in there and disassemble that sex doll. Jeez this whole family are just wankers.

As the sex doll is riding Matt to a climax he looks over her shoulder through the cockpit window to witness the craft about to collide with the space station.

Matt’s final words are ‘Ooooh Fuck. Forgive me’.

Wide shot of the space station exploding. Probably if the CGI budget is tight can just use the same shot of the first station exploding but flip the image or something.

And that concludes the opening. Now you might think there’s a lot of throwaway stuff in there but all what you have witnessed will be relevant as the rest of the movie unfolds. Probably.

I know you have questions. How do the Sex Dolls end up on Saturn? So are they going to be Super and Sentient or just Super Sentient? And, you really are doing this aren’t you?

As always all these questions and more will be answered in a tightly woven plot with zero holes in it at all.

And yes whilst I haven’t actually explained how these Sex Dolls end up being from Saturn I have managed in the opening scene to put them vaguely yet plausibly in space during a montage which was pretty cool.

Stay Tuned for more Super Sentient Sex Dolls From Saturn

The Mystery Of Selina : A Confessions Tale

It was not the waking up in a strange bed that surprised me. That had become such a regular occurrence it had become more of a surprise to find myself in my own bed.

Neither was it the immediate realisation I was naked nor the thumping reminder of how much alcohol I had drank. These had all become my usual ritual of the morning after the night before.

I slowly turned around and willed myself to open my eyes and face whoever it was I would be regretting sleeping with this week.

I was already planning my exit strategy as I finally opened my eyes, hoping that whoever it was beside me was still asleep so I could sneak out and avoid the awkwardness of any further encounter with him.

Except it wasn’t a him it was a her.

And it wasn’t just any her; it was Mel, one of my best friends.

And she was just as naked and surprised as I was.

For a moment there was a beautiful sense of normality. I whispered a pleasant ‘Good Morning’ before snuggling into my pillow, closing my eyes pleased I would not have to make an early morning exit.

The brief tranquility was interrupted first by Mel enquiring loudly “Why the fuck are we naked?” followed quickly by the thumping headache, a reminder of the alcohol consumed and likely the answer to Mel’s question.

I opened my eyes, squinting as the morning light, invading through a gap in the curtain, decided it would make my headache feel that little bit worse. Mel was sitting up, completely naked, a perplexed look on her face.

Her impatience to know the answer to the burning question ‘Why the fuck were we naked’ prompted her to shake me. Clearly she thought I could solve this riddle but one look at my confused face showed I was as clueless as she was.

There was nothing unusual with us sleeping together. As one of my best friends we had often shared a bed but it had always been whilst relatively clothed and only ever to sleep. This time it was different.

Mel and I had become a lot closer of late, the only two remaining members of The Feisty Feline Fellowship that still went out on a regular basis. Pixie was often travelling abroad with work and Pru was busy planning her wedding with her Doctor fiancé.

It was Pru’s transformation into Bridezilla that led Mel and I to start taking road trips to avoid her. Pru had told us very clearly that we wouldn’t be part of the bridal party.

“I have lots of sisters you understand” she explained. We were more than happy with this arrangement and pleased we could just turn up at the wedding with zero responsibility and get drunk.

Yet Pru had started feeling guilty about our lack of involvement and was trying to find roles for us. This led to us avoiding her in the hope that our unreliability would preclude us from any part to play in this wedding.

It was during one of these Operation: Avoid Pru road trips that Mel and I had awoken together in the same bed, naked.

“Why the fuck we naked?!” Mel persisted in knowing the answer to this question as if, that riddle alone, would unlock the memory of the night before that was lost in a haze of alcohol.

I looked back at her, our eyes locked in a lingering glance as we silently contemplated the most likely possibility.

By now my attraction to the same sex was firmly established and whilst Mel had never previously shown any such inclination our bond had grown stronger.

We were more flirtatious with each other, sexual innuendo laced our conversation, kisses and hugs became more frequent.

Although I couldn’t recall having any sexual desire towards Mel perhaps it had always been there laying deep in my subconscious. With each road trip maybe we grew closer and closer, our attraction intensifying until neither of us could resist anymore.

The previous night was the culmination of years of repressed desire. Our blissful union confirmed in a budget room at the Travelodge.

As I stared into Mel’s bleary but beautiful eyes I wondered if she felt the same. That a sexual encounter between two friends needn’t be awkward but the start of something even more magical.

“Oh Fuck!! Do you think we had sex?”

Or maybe not.

I took a sip from the previous nights water which tasted stale as I attempted to put my friend’s mind at rest.

“I doubt we had sex sweetie” I replied, trying to sound as certain as I could.

“Really? Cos I can’t remember and you can’t remember and why would we be naked and have each other’s hands on our…” Mel was starting to sound a bit manic and paced around the bed.

“The sheets!” she exclaimed as she pulled back the sheet I was still under.

“Easy tiger! I mean if you want to go again” I joked which was not fully appreciated by Mel “What are you doing sweetie?”

“If we had sex there would be….evidence ” she explained.

And there we were, early in the morning, heads thumping staring intently at the crumpled sheets of a bed.

“We need one of those blue lights” said Mel “Y’know like they use in CSI”

“I don’t think we have one of those sweetie” I replied “But I don’t think we really want to be shining blue lights onto the bed of a budget hotel!”

Mel looked a little disappointed that we did not possess a light that would reveal sexual fluid on sheets; she even checked her phone to see if there was a suitable app.

She seemed obsessed with finding out if we had sex or not. I was unsure if this was because it was something she always wanted to do and now regretted that alcohol will forever prevent her from recalling that special moment. Alternatively, she was just horrified that two best mates appeared to have had drunken lesbian sex.

Either way I concluded that little would be achieved just staring at a bed and suggested we get dressed and go down to get some breakfast, my stomach was threatening to release the previous night’s alcohol if it didn’t get some bacon.

“Where are our clothes?” said Mel , seemingly determined to only communicate in questions.

As with her previous enquiry of whether we had sex I equally had no answer to the location of our clothing.

Our road trips are normally spontaneous and so we travel very light. We had been wearing the only clothes we had with us, which had just vanished. A search round the tiny room showed no trace of us ever possessing any clothing.

“What are we going to do?” More questions from Mel “We are naked and have no clothes!”

It was difficult to think straight having to contend with a panicky Mel and a bacon obsessed stomach threatening to rebel. I offered the only suggestion I could think of.

“Look the car is just outside. I say we checkout from here and make a run for it. There’s probably some old gym clothes in the car, we can wear them”

I smiled at Mel quite happy with the plan I had thought of despite so many distractions.

“Selina we are on the fourth floor!”

I was too busy fumbling the remote to checkout to respond to a clear flaw in my plan. Within a few moments something else was bothering me more than the practicalities of a naked run to the car park.

“Sweetie. When did we order porn?”

Mel joined me and looked at the TV which clearly displayed our bill and the four porn films we apparently ordered. She slowly mouthed the titles of the porn, looking at me after each one; at least it distracted her from our naked-lost-clothes-possibly-also-had-sex predicament.

“You must have ordered them” she concluded.

“How is it me” I replied “I’ve been with you the entire time!”

Whilst the over indulgence on porn was another weird twist it still remained the least of our worries. Yet naked, no clothes and still yearning for bacon I suddenly had an idea.

“Bathroom!” I exclaimed.

Mel smiled “Yes we probably took our clothes off in the bathroom.”

I was going to suggest we just take the towels, wrap them around us and pretend that we’ve been to the swimming pool as we walk through the hotel. My plan did rely on other guests and staff not to realise this hotel did not have pool. Therefore Mel’s suggestion our clothes were located in the bathroom seemed a much better idea. I watched as she padded quickly to the bathroom.

When she opened the door and turned on the light the room was absent of our clothes (although two large towels were clearly there for me to instigate Plan B).

Yet despite the revelation that our clothes were missing Mel was significantly more concerned with the body she found in our bathtub.

“Do you think he’s dead?” she asked , her voice wavering slightly

“Well, he’s laying face down in a bathtub and not moving so it’s a possibility.” I replied

We both stood at the edge of the doorway staring at this lifeless male body. He was about 6ft, scraggily hair and was clothed in a dressy shirt and skinny trousers, his feet were bare and hung over the lip of the bathtub.

We returned to the bedroom and processed this new twist to our strange morning. My stomach frustrated over the lack bacon now conspired with my bladder, but I had no desire to pee next to a dead guy.

“Call your dad” suggested Mel “I bet he knows how to get rid of a body”.

I stared through the crack in the curtain as my brain worked through this new event. Was he dead and if so did we kill him?

There was no blood anywhere and so the only violence that happened in this room is the assault on my brain that thumped hard. I would have mentioned that to Mel but she’d only be wanting to get a new CSI light to scour the room with…just to be sure.

Maybe we strangled him. Perhaps on this eventful road trip not only did Mel and I declare our love for each other but also our burning hatred of all Men. We lured that poor soul to our room before strangling him with our clothes, burning the evidence and then horny with vengeful lust Mel and I had passionate sex.

Or maybe he simply wasn’t dead.

“Go and give him a nudge” I suggested to Mel

“I’m not touching him” Mel protested.

“Just find something to poke him with then” I snapped back, my head and stomach roaring in union.

Mel looked around the room and unable to find anything suitable opted for the collection of tea and coffee sachets which she threw one at a time at the body. Unsurprisingly, an Earl Grey teabag does not raise the dead.

I continued to stare out the window, I needed to think but my head and stomach was making it impossible. A coffee may have helped but presently my ability to make one now lay under a dead body.

Then something caught my eye outside. A possible clue to this mystery we have found ourselves in.

“Hey sweetie” I called out to Mel “I’ve found our clothes.”

Mel joined me at the window as we spotted our clothing on the tarmac four floors below, except my bra which was dangling impressively from a branch of a tree.

“Why are they out there?” asked Mel “What is going on Selina?”

“I may be able to help with that”

We turned to see the dead guy standing in front of us. And he was talking. And he wasn’t dead.

“I met you two at a club” the Not-Dead guy began to explain “You were being very flirty with each other, dancing and….”

“Dude I want to hear this story but our eyes are not down there”

“Sorry” Not-Dead Guy continued “So you two were flirting…..”

“Or there!!!”

“Anyway you saw me looking and you came over and we got talking. We had a few drinks and then you (looking at Mel) asked if I wanted to come back to your room.

You (looking at me) said I would have the greatest night of my life. So we went back to your room and you started kissing each other and made me watch as you did a striptease, throwing your clothes out the window.

Then you said you wanted to make my dreams come true and asked if I watched porn. You turned on the TV and asked me to pick a porn film promising you would recreate every scene, all in this room with me.”

“Dude you ordered FOUR porn films!”

“I couldn’t make my mind up. Anyway once the film started you kinda just said you were sleepy and said I could carry on watching the porn if I wanted.”

I looked at Mel who seemed a little ashamed of our antics. A feeling of regret now joined my hunger and need to urinate. Such events did not faze me, it was who I was. But had I broken a golden rule and dragged my friend into my dangerous, dirty lifestyle?

“Anyway, it was getting late and I couldn’t get a cab so I just went and slept in the bath. Hope that was okay?”

Not-Dead Guy finished his explanation and then lingered in the hope that we may still give him what we had drunkenly promised the night before. However, the look on our faces clearly indicated that would not be happening.

“I guess I’ll be going” he said rather sorrowfully and began to move towards the door.

Not-Dead Guy seemed really nice. He was attractive and respectful, there’s not many guys like that around so just maybe…

“Hey sweetie” I called out after him, he turned with a look of anticipation on his face “You wouldn’t mind going downstairs and getting our clothes would you?”

The Overlord Unicorned Squirrels From Mars : The Complete Movie Pitch

I present for the first time the Movie Pitch to The Overlord Unicorned Squirrels From Mars in one handy to read blog post.

No need to thank me . You’re welcome. Enjoy.

So the movie opens with a wide shot of a forest or a wood (not sure if there is a difference between a forest and a wood. I mean I have been propositioned many times to get naughty in the local woods but never a forest.)

So the camera takes the viewer inside the woods and in the clearing are a male and female having sex.

I think it’s always good to start a movie with a sex scene. After all there will be a lot of guys out on romantic dates and they maybe feeling a little horny at the prospect of what may lay ahead for them.

Research shows that they are unlikely to pay attention to what is happening on the screen and instead will be preoccupied with thinking up ways they can get their date to touch their junk in the dark cinema.

Therefore a sex scene right off the bat ought to provide adequate encouragement to quickly leave and go knock one out. This would mean that they can concentrate on the rest of the movie and their partner can enjoy the popcorn without the guy’s penis emerging from the kernels.

Now how full on we go with the sex scene will largely be based on the rating we are likely to get. If the squirrel based violence will see us R rated then I reckon go full on HBO with the sex.

We could get all arty with the sex scene. You know close up of writhing skin, fogged breath emerging from mouths all intercut with nature based metaphors like a close up of a worm going into a hole. Maybe keep going back to a confused looking sparrow.

Or we could simply settle for the sight of a pair of buttocks thrusting up and down as the sound of pleasure echoes through the forest (or woods).

As the sex scene reaches its climax we have a close up of the female, her eyes closed, the pleasure on her face clear. As she opens her eyes we follow her sight to a tree and there sits a squirrel with its back to her.

Her male companion speeds up with his thrusting, the moment of release is imminent. Throughout his fervent banging the female’s gaze is firmly on this squirrel.

The camera leaves the copulating couple and zooms in on the squirrel; the sounds of pleasure get louder and as we reach the squirrel it suddenly turns. The viewer is presented with its demonic red eyes, gnarling teeth and oversized unicorn horn on its head.

This monstrous squirrel leaps from the branches ( that shit would rock in 3D) and we hear the cries of pleasure turn into screams of terror.

It fades to black and we move to the titles. There needs to be a kick arse score with this. I read John Williams doesn’t want to do Star Wars anymore so he’ll be all over this shit. If he’s unavailable then my friend Jez likes to piss around on Garage Band on the iPad so probably could create a tune or two.

Make sure the titles are not tacky. This is, after all, a love story.

The opening score really needs to convey the emotion of killer unicorned squirrels whilst at the same time be a little jovial. You know let the viewer it might not be all bad that rodents with bushy tails and oversized horns want to kill us all.

The opening credits end. They need to run for sufficient time to allow the horny guys who had to go and release following the sex scene time to ..ahem…complete. So say at least 30 seconds.

Actually make it a minute so they can pick up something from the confectionary stand.

So the first scene after the opening credits is set in an apartment.

It is the apartment of Detective Dan Duprez. He’s a brilliant policeman but he’s damaged. Three ex-wives and a teenage daughter who doesn’t like him.

Dan solves crimes in an unorthodox way. He’s difficult to work with but no one seems to mind. Nope HR are cool with his inappropriate comments to his colleagues making the working environment rather toxic. His bosses don’t seem to mind that he has on more than one occasion rammed the face of a suspect against the wall of an interview room, only for it to turn out that guy didn’t do it, because Dan gets results.

I understand a brilliant but flawed Detective is nothing new so if you need him to have ‘a thing’. You know, something he can be associated with that separates him from the countless other brilliantly but flawed Detectives….then …I’m thinking he could presently be shacked up with a sex doll.

Hear me out. Firstly we are not just talking about one of those cheap sex dolls but the more modern ones. You know the ones with real feel skin and actual hair.

Next you got to be thinking about the merchandise. We need as many Pop Vinyl characters as possible and ‘Doll’ would look awesome on the shelf next to the Overlord Unicorned Squirrel.

Thirdly, I am quite confident I can fill the 1 hour 30 minutes of runtime with action and killer dialogue. I don’t need to use up screen time by having Nordicesque staring over a lake for five minutes.

However we need to explain crucial plot points to those who haven’t been paying attention.

So I’m thinking Detective Duprez goes home and tells ‘Doll’ about his day, telegraphing all the important plot points that the viewer needs to know….then he has sex with ‘Doll’.

Good eh? Okay but just don’t rule it out.

So in this scene we establish that he is a detective (his badge and gun are hanging on the bedpost), he is a drinker (he kicks over some whisky bottles), he is getting divorced (court papers are on the fridge) and he also has a daughter (photo also on the fridge). He also has opted for a simpler relationship with a sex doll….See, it really does fit in with the character development.

You may disagree but this has the same vibe as a Castaway Man loves Ball thing. Doll will be the new Wilson and she has tits.

So Detective Duprez goes to the fridge and starts drinking milk when the phone rings. He’s summonsed to attend the site of the grizzly slaughter by the unicorned squirrel we saw before the opening credits.

How much more time do I have to fill with this movie? Really? That long?

Okay maybe he can take the scenic route to the murder scene. Lots of atmospheric driving through narrow lanes in the forest with eerie music.

We follow Detective Duprez on his journey to the forest. To show how brilliant but flawed he is we need to have him driving a crap car so I suggest a Yugo 45 (my brother says he can get us one if we need it).

The Yugo 45 would also be a good choice because if we need to stretch this journey (or indeed any journey) out for runtime reasons it’s highly unlikely the Yugo can comfortably go higher than 60mph.

Anyway he eventually arrives at the crime scene and is met by his partner – Detective Bland.

To be honest, there really will be minimal character development with Detective Bland. His sole purpose is to explain police procedures to the audience and to emphasise how brilliant yet flawed Duprez is.

There really is little point to the character and Detective Duprez will spend the entire time just being a dick to him.

Inevitably Detective Bland will be killed off. I suppose just to make him vaguely interesting he can die saving Duprez.

Duprez of course will be all upset about it despite the fact he has been nothing but a dick to the guy. That should be good enough to sell the premise that flawed but brilliant Duprez always saw Bland as the son he never had. He was just being a complete dick because deep down he really loved him.

So killing Bland off following a brutal attack by a Unicorned Squirrel adds deeper emotional context to the complex characteristics of Duprez. Plus we get this awesome line of dialogue;

Duprez: No Bland that horn was meant for me.

Emotional stuff, right?

Anyway I’m getting ahead of myself. So Duprez and Bland walk towards the bodies that have been savagely attacked by a Unicorned Squirrel. There they meet a Forensic Pathologist.

Again no need to waste time with the character of the Forensic Pathologist because literally all we need he or she to do is engage in this line of dialogue;

Duprez: Cause of death?

Pathologist: I won’t be sure until I’ve studied the bodies back at the lab but if I were to guess I would say the multiple horn shaped penetrating wounds all over the body…. It’s either that or natural causes.

Duprez: What sort of weapon could have make such wounds?

Pathologist: I will know more when I’m back at the lab but I would guess it’s nothing man made.

Duprez: Animal?

Pathologist: Animals don’t make weapons but given the ferocity of the attack I would say we are looking at some sort of creature but I’ll know more when I’m back in the lab.

Duprez: What sort of creature could do this?

Pathologist: I have no idea I’m not a zoologist.

This would lead us nicely into Duprez getting back in his Yugo 45 and taking a long drive to go speak with the zoologist.

Yes I know this is all unnecessary because the audience knows it was a Unicorned Squirrel that did it. But do they know the squirrel is from Mars?…Yes it is in the title of the movie but do they know why the squirrels have come to earth . Okay so the Overlord bit in the title probably does suggest they want to enslave us and take over the world.

But do….Oh never mind.

So Duprez drives to the local zoo and there he meets Melissa the zoologist. She’s dressed in incredibly skimpy khaki shorts and her shirt is unbuttoned revealing ample cleavage.

Look, I know it’s 2018 and really we should be showcasing how this woman is clearly intelligent, has studied hard to achieve her choice of career and we should admire her for ability rather than looks, but we ain’t looking to break any glass ceilings with this movie…

Well there is that scene where the Unicorned Squirrels do crash through a glass ceiling to carry out a slaughter but that’s not the point.

So we first see her tending to an animal (whatever one we can get cheap and won’t shit all over the set).

Duprez wastes no time in walking up to Melissa and showing her the crime scene photos. Just like that! Duprez don’t give a shit. He’s cool with just waving pictures of mutilated bodies around but it’s okay because Duprez gets results.

Duprez : Could these have been caused by an animal?

Melissa: Not from any animal I know

Duprez: A rhino?

Melissa: I know rhinos. Besides it’s too small to have been caused by a rhino

Duprez: Are you sure? Are all your rhinos accounted for?

Now people may expect Melissa to respond along the lines of ‘Fuck you. I’ve spent my entire life studying animals and know how big a rhino horn is. Plus I’ve been here since five in the morning doing an entire round of the zoo. I’m educated, I’m competent and I’d know if a fucking rhino was missing , you dick’.

But instead we will have her happily agreeing to show Duprez to the rhino enclosure.

Now the short walk to the enclosure will all be from the point of view of one of those Unicorned Squirrel bastards, who is high up in a tree. Really ramp up the tension.

Melissa shows Duprez both rhinos are indeed still there. Whilst he should have just taken her word for it in the first place, the fact he would want to double check just shows what a brilliant yet flawed detective he is. Detectives who simply accept what a trained, educated, competent female zoologist may say don’t get results..Not like Duprez does.

As Duprez and Melissa are discussing the fact that the rhinos are still present (even though it’s clear to see they are both there) the Unicorned Squirrel gets closer ready to pounce and then….

Birds fly off from the tree startling Duprez. He asks ‘What’s that’ but Melissa does not respond ‘Birds flying away from a tree’. Instead she remarks that ‘Something must have startled them’.

From the point of view of the Unicorned Squirrel we see Duprez looking up. That brilliant, clever man, he knows something is up.

Duprez exits the zoo. Melissa watches him leave and then turns to walk away when suddenly down falls a….dead mutilated bird. (Yep we are going to troll the audience in thinking it’s a Unicorned Squirrel but it’s not. Those fake scares always work, trust me).

She kneels down to examine the dead bird before slowly looking up at the tree. We know danger lurks there, will Melissa be okay?

The scene cuts to Duprez driving his Yugo back to the Police Station. When he arrives back at the station there is a homeless man outside.

We could, of course, look to explore the social and economic reasons that has led this poor chap to endure a life of deprivation. We could seek to pass comment on a system that allows such hardships to occur. But we’re not.

Nope. The guy’s homeless so he’s going to be shouting about all manner of crazy bollocks. With his long beard and shabby clothes he’ll be screaming ‘They’re here!’ and ‘We’re doomed!’

Despite the fact that Duprez is paid to serve the residents of this town, which includes the homeless guy, he just pushes past him. Because Duprez don’t give a shit.

If you are indeed still reading this pitch with fervent enthusiasm then you may be asking ‘But wait the title suggests interplanetary warfare yet this so far has been a procedural Police drama’

Well, in the next scene we really move into the sci-fi by switching the action to a Secret Astrological Research Centre. Yes, it maybe a small town but when you think about it it’s an obvious place to put such an important and secret facility.

We meet Sophie who is dressed in a white lab coat and unnecessarily short skirt. The lab coat will immediately indicate to the viewer that she is a scientist.

When we first meet her she is looking through a telescope. This will clearly establish she is a space scientist.

Now we do have an important back story to tell with Sophie but I’m acutely aware we need to get back to the gratuitous slaughter of people no-one gives a shit about by the Unicorned Squirrels.

How we achieve this is by introducing another character who can best be described as a ‘dodgy bastard’. We will make it immediate apparent that this guy is odd as he will be bald, have an eye patch and will walk with a limp. He too will be wearing a lab coat. His name is Professor Schrinkle.

From his point of view we see him creep up on Sophie who is attentively looking up at the stars.

“Still trying to find him” He asks in a creepy voice which startles Sophie.

What follows is important dialogue between Sophie and Schrinkle.

Sophie: I will never give up looking for my Father who disappeared during that mission to Mars when I was just a little girl.

Schrinkle: I admire you Sophie. Ever since I was lead scientist on that mission to Mars I have often wondered what happened to your Father.

Sophie: I know you and my Father were good friends and people blamed you for what went wrong. But I know you would have never done anything to endanger him. You’ve been good to me and I remember you ensuring me and mum were okay. You spent a lot of time coming round our house to check on my mum and you also paid for me to make it through Astrological Scientist School. I’m grateful for everything you’ve done.

Schrinkle: How is your Mother by the way? Is she still single? Does she still yoga by that open window on a Tuesday?

He puts his robotic hand on her shoulder (I’ve decided he should have a robotic hand) and whispers “We will find out what happened to him”.

She stands up and moves to take a shower. The owners of this Top Secret Astrological Research Centre decided, following a team meeting, to install a shower after concerns about Sweaty Steve’s personal hygiene were raised.

Having had no real nudity in the movie since the opening scene we need to unnecessarily flash a bit of flesh.

Plus this does allow us to emphasise the creepiness of Schrinkle who watches Sophie through the frosted glass. The sound of creaking metal joints will imply that Schrinkle is pleasuring himself with his robotic hand.

There we have it, all the main players in this emotional melodrama are now in place. It’s time to take it up a notch.

Exciting times!

We enter the second act with important scenes exploring the emotional complexity of the characters interspersed with many Unicorned Squirrel based deaths.

Duprez goes to visit his teenage daughter and is immediately faced with hostility from his ex-wife. She clearly did not appreciate that he is brilliant but flawed.

She has found stability with Derek but it’s important that the viewer has absolutely no respect for Derek.

Sure, he’s reliable, loyal and has provided a safe and peaceful haven for Duprez’s ex wife and daughter. He’s been able to remove them from a chaotic life that ultimately would have seen them spiral into a pit of depression.

He’s stepped up and provided a stable home; giving them all the love he can.

But, fuck you Derek, you’re so boring. When Duprez acts like a dick towards Derek, we won’t care. There’s never been a super hero called Mr Dependable. Batman never became a vigilante because he was tortured by which rubbish bin was being collected that week.

And no-one is going to give a shit when Derek gets brutally murdered by a Unicorned Squirrel.

Duprez wouldn’t have got killed – you loser.

We cut to a scene of a sweet old lady walking her dogs in a park. She lets them off the leash and they run towards the trees. There is rustling of leaves and a high pitched yelp.

The old lady calls out for her dogs. They don’t come. Concerned she walks amongst the trees and there she sees the mutilated corpses of her beloved pets.

With tears in her eyes she looks up at the tree and we see a Unicorned Squirrel pounce down on top of her.

Poor old lady. A retired nurse who, when her husband of forty years died , dedicated her life to a variety of charitable causes. Her five children, ten grandchildren and two great grandchildren are going to be devastated when they learn of her gruesome death. But you’re more upset the dogs died, right?

Duprez arrives at the scene, abandoning his theory that an animal is responsible, he now believes this is the work of a sadistic serial killer.

He examines the bloody consequence of the attack and speaks for the viewer when he exclaims “What sick bastard would do this to a dog?”

Some pointless dialogue and unnecessary explanations will follow from Bland and the Pathologist.

We move back to the Secret Astrological Research Centre where Sophie is getting nearer to solving the puzzle as to what happened to her Father.

We will know this by her exclamations of ‘Strange’ and ‘That’s not possible’. We won’t no exactly what is strange or indeed what isn’t possible. I’d like to say it’s to add a bit of mystery but to be honest I haven’t sorted out all the science stuff just yet.

But this scene is all about Sophie being curious, especially about that strange mechanical sound she hears whenever she turns her back on Professor Schrinkle.

Back to the action now as we cut to an amorous couple; a cheerleader and a football player about to indulge in some carnal pleasure in the woods.

She kneels down ready to perform some expert oral action. The guy throws his head back with pleasure and when he opens his eyes staring back at him is a Unicorned Squirrel, whom piledrives him in the skull.

Blood spurts everywhere which rains down upon the screaming cheerleader who tries to run away before she is also brutally murdered.

Duprez attends concerned about the escalation in murders. He wants to catch who has done this because Duprez gets results.

We quickly move back to the zoo and Melissa is doing zoo like stuff (just in case anyone has forgotten she is a zoologist….although the khaki shorts and the giraffe in the background should be enough).

An evil lurks in the zoo and from the point of view of a bastard squirrel we see it creeping up on Melissa ready to pounce.

Is this the end for poor Melissa? Could this movie be about to get its first meaningful death?

Despite the Unicorned Squirrels being pretty deadly and accurate thus far, for reasons no-one can explain or indeed care about, this particular squirrel misses Melissa as it lunges for her.

What follows is a dramatic and tense chase round the grounds of the zoo. The squirrel bastard relentless in its pursuit. Melissa hides in a room, out of breath..scared. Just when she thinks it is safe…..BAM… A horn pierces the wall.

She screams and tries to runs away but she’s trapped. All she can do is helplessly watch as the squirrel burrows through the concrete. It’s demonic red eyes and gnarling teeth are clearly visible.

She backs into the corner of the wall but the squirrel has its prey just where it wants it. It bares it’s teeth and launches itself towards her.

Then…..BANG….Melissa hits the squirrel with a conveniently placed metal tray. The squirrel is knocked unconscious and then, for good measure, she repeatedly stamps on the fucker.

Back at the Police Station, Duprez is staring thoughtfully at the Evidence Wall. He mumbles that he is ‘missing something’ , but what?

Outside there is a screech of tyres and in walks Melissa holding a bag, her top has conveniently , yet somewhat inexplicably , been ripped in the squirrel attack to show off more flesh.

She tips up the bag and the now dead (and somewhat stamped on) Unicorned Squirrel falls onto the table.

“Here’s your killer!” she pronounces.

Duprez, brilliant as always, enquires what type of animal this.

Breathlessly Melissa responds “This is not any species I know. This is alien.”

And with that revelation we move towards the Final Act.

Melissa points to the dead Unicorned Squirrel to Duprez, declaring that it is an alien species. Now, Duprez in his flawed but brilliant way, is having none of it.

Forgetting he has zero qualifications to even attempt a conversation about alien species, he’s straight up in there suggesting Melissa is crazy for saying it.

Then she shows him the green blood that is oozing from the temple of the Unicorned Squirrel (which occurred when Melissa repeatedly bashed its head in with a metal tray).

Even Duprez knows that green blood can mean only one thing….Alien; well that or you really need to be seeing a Doctor.

Duprez is now all happy to accept its an alien species (not that he really had any justification for disputing that in the first place) and he wants to know more.

Despite the very intelligent Melissa pointing out it was alien, Duprez decides someone else needs to provide more information, so it’s off to the Secret Astrological Research Centre.

Yes, I know it’s meant to be secret but it’s a small town and half the residents work there. Plus there is a whopping great telescope sticking out the roof.

Duprez and Melissa leave the Police station , pushing past the crazy homeless guy still banging on about someone coming, and drive to the Secret Astrological Research Centre.

Despite it being a top secret facility owned by the Government which clearly Duprez does not have clearance for he just storms straight in because Duprez don’t give a shit. Strangely, the people paid to actually stop anyone walking in to a top secret facility don’t really put much effort into stopping him.

Inside he meets Sophie and slams the dead Unicorned Squirrel on a table. WHAM! Just like he couldn’t care less about showing a member of the public photos of decapitated bodies, he’s just waving around dead alien corpses for all to see.

“We think it’s an alien” says Duprez, conveniently ignoring the fact that about ten minutes ago he was ready to have Melissa certified for suggesting such a thing.

Sophie begins to examine the squirrel corpse saying things like ‘interesting’, ‘curious’ and ‘I wonder’ (Like with the science stuff I haven’t got the alien bits all sorted yet but these vague sentiments will be enough to make the viewer think that some mysterious shit is going on).

They are interrupted by Professor Schrinkle. He’s being all creepy and when advised by Duprez of the alien species he offers to help in anyway he can. Schrinkle doesn’t mean it because he is a creepy lying bastard.

It is agreed that Sophie would perform an autopsy on the alien squirrel because that is apparently what Astrological physicists do. Melissa agrees to stay and help and promises to let Duprez know as soon as they find anything out.

Working into the night Sophie and Melissa start talking, it will be a great way to fill in some back story without taking up much time.

Having only just met these girls are not shy of over sharing. Sophie tells Melissa about her dad who was an astronaut that went missing on a one man mission to Mars. She explains how it destroyed the family and left her with a numb feeling of emptiness all her life.

Melissa tells Sophie she is a lesbian.

They then have sex.

Hot, naked lesbian sex.

Putting aside the appropriateness of having sex in a place of work , especially one where you are about to cut open an alien squirrel, there should be nothing wrong with two women expressing their desire for each other.

Love is love and this should be seen as the most natural thing ever.

However, from the point of view of getting people to watch the movie, a hot lesbian sex scene should see it ripped and posted on a website like Pornhub.

A number of guys eager to knock one our before their wife comes home or mum calls them for dinner will watch it. They will then assume that Overlord Unicorned Squirrels is full of hot sex.

They will of course find out that it just has a pair of male writhing buttocks at the start, a solo shower scene and a bit of lesbian sex. But we won’t care because they would have paid their money.

It’s not as if someone is going to post a review on Rotten Tomatoes saying ‘Can only jerk off one and a half times to this ‘.

Anyway, Melissa and Sophie have sex featuring saxophone music, heavy breathing and the sound of a mechanical arm going back and forth.

Melissa awakes from the post-coitus slumber and wraps a sheet round her. Despite not giving a shit about the alien squirrel when she was all horny now that she has had a few orgasms she decides to take a look….. But it’s gone!

She alerts Sophie to the absence of the previously dead alien Unicorned Squirrel. Where could it be?

Back in town, Duprez is just driving around in his Yugo when he gets a call on the radio. There are multiple reports of a disturbance at the bowling alley. Reports of rodents…with horns.

“Shit!” Duprez says performing a handbrake turn in his Yugo “It’s Thursday night. That’s the Mother and Daughter Bowling Tournament Night. I got to get there”.

To really ramp up the tension what we need to do is add a few scenes before Duprez gets the call of a squirrel disturbance.

In these scenes we will see a bunch of random people enjoying themselves at the Mother/Daughter bowling tournament. The mere fact we are paying attention to anybody here is a clear signpost that they are all going to die.

So we have the elderly mother and daughter couple. The daughter is 80 and the mother is 105 and they were at the very first Mother/Daughter bowling tournament; indeed they won it in 1972. Anyhow, they are going to be killed by squirrels.

Next you have a touching scene where a daughter tells her mother that she loves her very much. The mother holding a bowling ball turns and smiles, it’s a loving smile. Then a squirrel emerges from the bowling ball machine and pierces the mother’s head with its horn. Heartbreaking stuff.

We do of course need a loveable fat guy. I’m acutely aware there has been no loveable fat guy in this movie. Let’s change that by introducing Al. He works at the bowling place. Everybody loves Al.

Al tries to save everyone by grabbing the shot gun he keeps under his desk (no one has ever questioned why he has a gun at a bowling alley). Anyway he shoots a few squirrel bastards before ushering a number of patrons to safety into a store cupboard.

Locking the door he turns to utter the words ‘We’ll be safe in here’, right before numerous squirrel horns shoot through the wooden door and spear him to death.

Poor Al. He only had a few days left to retire before he can devote more time to that orphanage he was building.

As we know Duprez’s ex wife and daughter are at the bowling alley. Also there is Derek. You remember Derek, right? Loyal , loving Derek who has provided a stable home to Duprez’s ex wife and daughter.

Now he could be at home watching sports or be out with the boys drinking. Yet he has chosen to pop along to the bowling alley to support the love of his life. What a nice guy. Yet you’re still not going to give a shit when he dies.

But how are Duprez’s ex wife and daughter fairing in this squirrel onslaught? Surprisingly well.

Whilst others run for their lives they have the wherewithal to knock out a few squirrel bastards with hefty swings of a bowling ball.

Yep. Poor Al couldn’t see those squirrels off with a shotgun but a forty year old mother and her teenage daughter can get the job done with a bowling ball (a 12 pound one if you’re interested).

Strangely, the squirrels had been launching at people with pinpoint accuracy yet when it comes to Duprez’s ex wife and daughter they keep on missing.

Finally, Duprez enters the bowling alley. Despite agreeing to protect the entire town he’s more concerned with the welfare of his ex wife and daughter. No one seems to care much about that and are happy another guy has turned up with a gun (the other gun owner, Al, is presently hanging from the door like a macabre pin the tail on the donkey).

Duprez’s ex wife and daughter are both very happy to see Duprez. This proves that even if you are an absolute dick if you try to save someone during a squirrel apocalypse that’ll make you an okay guy.

However , these squirrels are cunning bastards. They circle around Duprez, his ex wife and daughter. This is strange because they could just all launch at them, giving them zero chance of survival. But now they are doing this stalking thing…..it’s for dramatic effect.

Duprez and co are in danger. Can anyone save them? Well Bland (remember him? No didn’t think so) tries to help. He got the call to assist and left his pregnant girlfriend at home. She told him to come back in one piece. He promised. The squirrels rip him in two. Therefore, not only did Bland not do very well at saving anyone, he lied to his pregnant girlfriend.

The squirrels approach the trapped Duprez family. He’s out of bullets. The ex wife has thrown the bowling ball (her motive remains unclear).

Unarmed. No where to go. Who will save them?

Derek. That’s who . Derek will save them.

He jumps in between them and waves a pole at the squirrels. Turning back he tells the previously trapped Duprez clan to run.

Now Duprez ought to be saying ‘No Derek I am employed to look after all residents including you. You go’

But he doesn’t. He grabs his ex wife and daughter and runs out of the bowling alley while Derek bravely fends off the squirrels.

The ex wife looks back to see the squirrels pounce on Derek. She screams and Duprez pulls her to the car saying there is nothing that can be done for him (you didn’t really try Duprez).

Poor Derek. Died saving the woman he loves….. You still don’t give a shit he’s dead.

They reach Duprez’s Yugo and get inside but they are not alone. Squirrels surround the car. A few take a shot at the vehicle piercing the metal. There is no escape. A violent and bloody death is inevitable.

Then suddenly they stop. The squirrels stand on their hind legs… something is calling them, but what?

They all begin to run away. Where are they going? Duprez wants to find out and decides that his ex wife and daughter are safer with him following every single one of the killer Unicorned Squirrels than maybe back at the police station or somewhere.

Soon Duprez realises where the squirrels are heading…. The Secret Astrological Research Centre. But why?

The action moves back to the Secret Astrological Research Centre.

You will recall that shortly after having inappropriately timed hot lesbian sex, Melissa and Sophie realise that the most certainly dead Unicorned Squirrel is in fact not dead and has gone missing.

Whilst it could be possible for them to play out the entirety of the scene naked, it is likely to be considered unnecessarily gratuitous. So have them slip on an ultra skin tight space suit that just happens to be laying around.

Despite the fact that the suit can zip all the way up both Melissa and Sophie, realising that time is of the essence to hunt for this squirrel, only zip the front up halfway thus displaying cleavage.

Some may argue that in itself is gratuitous but those same people would be moaning if Melissa or Sophie met a bloody end because they were too busy concentrating on a zip than worrying about a killer squirrel.

They notice drops of green blood and choose to follow it. For reasons that will be unclear they follow the trail by torchlight rather than turning the main lights on.

This, of course, will give us the opportunity for a tense scene as they follow the trail along a spooky dark corridor. Lots of unnecessary fake jump scares can be had.

Eventually, they reach a door. The trail of blood stops. The squirrel is inside!

Sophie remarks she’s never seen this door before. Melissa chooses not to raise questions as to how observant Sophie is. Nor how a squirrel managed to open a door. There’s no time for that. Besides, they are more curious about the purple glow that emanates from under the door.

They enter the room and see Professor Schrinkle, now in full mad scientist mode. He’s unnecessarily pressing buttons and pulling levers. To his right is the cause of the purple glow….a large portal that hovers in mid air.

There are squirrels in the room but their attention is not on Sophie or Melissa. The squirrels sit poised in a semi-circle staring at the portal. What are they looking at? What are they waiting for?

Before we can answer that we must first deal with Professor Schrinkle who, as he is now full mad scientist, must embark on a really pointless monologue.

To be honest what he will say will make no sense but I’m guessing that by this point of the movie no one will really care. If need be just keep cutting back to Sophie and Melissa with their cleavage showing to sustain interest.

Anyway here is the monologue:-

Schrinkle: They didn’t believe me Sophie. They blamed me. For everything. But I knew there was something out there.

I didn’t want your father to die Sophie. It wasn’t my fault. But they blamed me.

I loved your Mother, Sophie. If they hadn’t blamed me maybe she could have loved me too.

I watched you grow up without a father into the beautiful , attractive woman you are. So intelligent and with all the curves in the right places. At the same time your Mother got old and wrinkly and I realised I love you.

But how could you love me? After what they said I had done!

Well I’m going to show them. Show them all. It’s coming. It cannot be stopped.

Sophie and Melissa look into the portal and there moving closer is a giant Unicorned Squirrel. Demonic eyes, teeth large. It must be the size of a skyscraper. It is the Overlord.

Sophie: You’re mad. That thing will kill us all

Schrinkle: I can keep you safe . Come with me….and you can bring your friend next to you if you want.

Sophie: You’re insane. I could never be with a monster like you

Schrinkle pulls out a gun and says “If you won’t be with me then you must die”.

Just as Schrinkle goes to pull the trigger someone hits him from behind, knocking him out. But who is their saviour?

Hey…It’s the crazy homeless guy (they really need to up their security in this facility).

He looks at Sophie. She looks at him

“Dad?” She says with tears in their eyes and they embrace. Emotional stuff.

Now of course we are going to have to deal with a few obvious plot holes here which thankfully can be done by way of another monologue.

Former crazy homeless guy : Oh Sophie I remember it now. That portal must have kickstarted my memory.

I remember going to Mars….seeing those things and knowing I had to warn everyone.

Something must have happened. I don’t know what but I returned to Earth with only fragments of my mind. I thought I was going crazy.

But I’ve found you now. I’m here. I will keep you safe.

It’s at this point a squirrel, who are well known not to care for emotional reunions , launches itself at Sophie’s Dad.

It burrows it’s horn up through his anus and out of his stomach.

Sophie is understandably rather upset by this. Having just been reunited with her long lost father she is a little pissed she has just had to watch him die from a Unicorned Squirrel climbing up his rectum.

She takes out all her frustration on this turn of events by stamping the fuck out of the squirrel. She then crumbles to the floor in a sobbing mess.

Melissa is equally confused with what is happening. Totally unprepared on how you comfort someone who has just witnessed their father die by squirrel, she also is unsure if now would be a good time to enquire if they will be having sex again later.

Instead, Melissa turns to the more pressing problem of the extremely large squirrel about to come through the portal.

“Sophie. Help. We’ve got to shut this portal off” She cries.

Will they do it? Or will the world crumble under the ferocious might of the Overlord Unicorned Squirrel?

Where is Duprez? And what of the hordes of squirrels making their way towards the centre?

How will it end? Does anyone actually still care?

The enormous Overlord Unicorned Squirrel is making its way to earth. If he or she – let’s not go assuming a murderous horned squirrel’s gender now – arrives it will be armageddon.

Can Melissa and Sophie turn off the portal to prevent this monster from entering the earth’s atmosphere?

Well they try.

Recovering surprisingly quickly from witnessing the brutal death of her father she had literally just been reunited with after many long years, Sophie springs into action to turn off the portal.

Now I’m guessing that no actual scientists will watch this movie so we can have Sophie say all manner of crazy shit that actually makes no sense.

Here’s the dialogue:-

Melissa: What are we going to do?

Sophie: If I can reverse the polarity and reduce the quantum flux then perhaps the gravitational constant will cause the portal to fall in on itself. But I’ll need you to control the heliocentric ionosphere.

Melissa: Great let’s do that

See putting together science type words randomly in a sentence works. Unless someone sits down and actually studies the dialogue we ought to get away with it.

Melissa and Sophie begin to shut down the portal, but wait, Schrinkle is awake! What maniacal thing is he about to do?

He crawls slowly to the machine and reaching out his mechanical hand he….. switches the machine off. Oh, the devilish Professor Schrinkle.

Melissa and Sophie look perplexed and then suddenly Schrinkle’s skeletal hand grabs at Sophie’s leg.

We cut away from this tense scene to see what Duprez is up to. He’s merrily chasing the horde of squirrels in his Yugo.

They reach a cornfield and the trail goes cold. Where have the squirrels gone? Duprez stops the car and turns off the engine. The headlights dimly illuminating the cornfield.

Then the squirrels emerge from the corn, circling the Yugo, ready to rip the occupants to shreds. Despite the car working perfectly all week and only recently having a full service the car will not start. They are trapped! They are at the mercy of the squirrels.

Duprez checks his gun, just one clip of ammo left and hundreds of squirrels. He’s still going to give it a go because Duprez don’t give a shit.

The squirrels get ready to pounce but then….. the army arrive!

Thankfully there is a fully operational army base just the other side of the cornfield and they come with tanks and machine guns and blast the squirrel bastards.

Yep, this town also has its own army. It really is a wonderful place to live.

We keep cutting back and forth between scenes of the army slaughtering the squirrels and Schrinkle and Sophie fighting.

She’s kicking at him and he’s just taking the opportunity to grope at her ass and tits. Meanwhile, Melissa works out that Schrinkle turned the machine off and sets about switching it back on.

However, there are squirrels blocking the switch. Back and forth the action goes of soldiers v squirrels, Sophie v Schrinkle and Melissa booting some squirrels out the way so she can get to the switch.

How long these scenes go on for is largely dependent on how much more runtime we have left to fill.

It concludes with the army vanquishing the squirrels, Sophie smashing Schrinkle’s face in with her stilettos (the ultra skin tight space suit has stilettos) and Melissa turning the switch back on.

But as the machine powers back up Schrinkle, a bloody mess, laughs and says “You’re too late. It’s entered the earth’s atmosphere. You’ve lost”.

Now we’ve covered a lot of deep and meaningful themes in this movie. Possibly, we could bring some political intrigue into this movie.

We move to the White House where the President of the United States of America has just been informed of the pending invasion of the Overlord Unicorned Squirrel.

President: We must nuke the bastard

Random staff member: Sir, we don’t have any nuclear weapons.

President: What?

RSM: Well they are quite dangerous and expensive to have around so we actually haven’t had any for years and we just say that we have. No one has ever really questioned us actually owning any.

President: So we don’t have nukes?

RSM: No, Sir

President (on telephone): Get me Britain…… Hey Prime Minister you heard about this gigantic monster

Prime Minister: Oh yes. Such a brute. We have had an emergency meeting where it was agreed that Beatrix Potter had lied to us.

President: You going to nuke it?

Prime Minister: Oh heavens no. Such frightful things those nuclear weapons. No, we have never had any.

President: What the hell do you keep in those subs then?

Prime Minister: Oh just old souvenirs from previous Royal Weddings. But we have a plan.

President: Which is?

Prime Minister: We shall wait for it to arrive and tell it to jolly well bugger off. If that does not work we intend to throw rocks at it.

President (to random staff member): What about anyone else? The EU?

RSM: They need all member states to agree on a motion that they will have a look around the place to see if they could find nuclear weapons. A meeting is scheduled for next Wednesday… although France said they might not be able to make it.

President: North Korea?

RSM: They said ‘nah we’ve just been shitting with you, mate’

President: Russia?

RSM: They pretended to be an answerphone message but we could hear them giggling.

President: So there’s no one?

RSM: I’m afraid not sir

President: Then God help us all

Dramatic stuff.

We watch as the monstrous, evil Overlord Unicorned Squirrel hurtles towards earth.

Close ups of helpless faces of our main characters, scenes of people watching this terrible event unfold on televisions all across the world.

This is it. The end. The earth will perish at the hands of a rather large squirrel.

All hope is lost. No one can save us.

But then…….

WHAMMMM!!! Out of nowhere a red Tesla Roadster slams into the Overlord Squirrel moving him away from the earth.

Good job someone decided to stick one of them up in space.

The movie concludes with joyous scenes as the world celebrates it will not become a large squirrel’s bitch.

Duprez hugs his ex wife and daughter. Yes, near armageddon is enough to make her forget he is a total dick.

Finally, Melissa and Sophie kiss passionately and in that moment Sophie forgets that the skewered corpse of her father lay only inches away from her. Epic music and the sound of a mechanical arm going up and down plays over their passionate kissing.

Roll end credits.

Of course we need an end credits scene so picture this….

Deep space. Silent. We hear the echoing sounds of Space Oddity and slowly into view comes the Roadster with the Overlord Squirrel wrapped round the bumper. It looks dead. Then, suddenly it opens its eyes.

And then back to a list of people who unashamedly made this movie

At the end the obligatory ‘No squirrels were harmed in the making of this movie (even though they are bastards)’.

Followed up with Unicorned Squirrels will return in ‘Hiberannihilation’

Right?

No?

Okay then.

Sad that it’s over? Well there are a few more Squirrel posts for you to enjoy!

Cool Character Concepts drawn by the talented Robert Ahmad.

Or perhaps you are wondering what happened to Doll? All is revealed in this Deleted Scene

Maybe you want to see the Trailer

The Origins of The Unicorned Squirrels

Ever since I released The Overlord Unicorned Squirrels From Mars in 2018 there have been a lot of questions.

The most frequently asked is ‘why did you write the Unicorned Squirrels?’

Clearly such a question is looking for me to tell of the literary influences which led me to tell the intergalactic rodent tale.

Until recently I’ve resisted the desire to answer such a question. However, lately I don’t think I’ve been getting enough attention and in any event there are rumours circulating that I wrote Unicorned Squirrels as a joke!

So, please, let me take you on the creative journey that gave birth to everyone’s favourite unicorned rodents.

The genesis of the story begun when I was at university studying English Literature.

It was late at night and I was alone in the library. Well, not really alone but to be honest the return I was getting for the effort that a member of the rugby team was putting in I may well have been.

It was during Jack’s laboured thrusts that I begun to pay particular notice to the old dusty books on the shelf. This was in part due to boredom but mainly because of the trajectory that Jack’s enthusiasm had put me on.

There was one book that caught me eye (literally) and so fearing this late night library liaison may end in me losing my sight I removed the book.

My fingers slid over the dark cloth board, the cracks and bumps crying out with years of neglect. The marker ribbon frayed and fragile, barely serving its purpose.

The title, which once proudly stood out in gold embossed lettering now meekly sunk into the dark cloth board.

With a little help from Jack I got closer so I could make out the title

Recipes & Poetry Almanac’

The idea behind this publication was to combine cookery and poetry. A detailed recipe would be followed by a number of poems throughout the ages. The length of time it would take you to read the poems is how long you needed to wait for whatever it was you were making to finish cooking.

The idea never really caught on and the series was cancelled after just one volume and never reprinted. It didn’t help that it was printed on highly flammable paper and was cited to be to blame for a number of kitchen fires.

Had I chosen to have my illicit affair with Jack in the canteen then I may have been tempted to rustle up a Lemon Drizzle Cake but instead I decided to read some of the poems.

I gave a cursory glance back at Jack and studying his reddening expression in the gloom of the library I returned to the book to find a poem that would take about a minute or so to read.

I thumbed through the brittle pages and worried that the book would disintegrate I stopped on one particular poem

‘Oh, Look It’s a Squirrel’ by Von Klausenhausen

I never heard of this particular writer before and there is very little information about him on the internet.

What I have subsequently been able to find out is that he was born in 1265 and was very much the contemporary to Dante; indeed they were childhood friends. Hardly any contemporaneous documentation remains but what does gives us a fascinating insight into the relationship between the two.

Klausenhausen’s cheery nature was in complete juxtaposition to Dante’s moodiness. Old school reports refer to Dante as needing ‘to lighten up a bit’ whereas Klausenhausen was described as a ‘optimistic dreamer’.

Their friendship was rather tempestuous and in a postcard Klausenhausen sent to his mother on a school trip he described the tension between them

‘Dante hat mein Käsesandwich gestohlen’ (Dante stole my cheese sandwich).

Sadly, Klausenhausen was to experience tragedy when his father died.

Klausenhausen was raised in a relatively poor household, the only income came from whatever his Father won from wrestling naked at the local tavern.

Strauss Klausenhausen was quite the fighter and well respected. His skills earned him the opportunity to wrestle in Canada in a prestigious tournament .

However, unfortunately for Strauss, an error in translation meant rather than wrestling bare he was in fact going to be wrestle a bear.

A young Klausenhausen had to watch in horror as his father was mauled to death. The family returned home distraught and penniless.

His Mother, in her grief, locked herself in her room and only emerged a few years later to announce she had married the wardrobe.

Klausenhausen’s friendship with Dante had become more strained. The final straw was when Dante asked Klausenhausen to read the first draft of The Divine Comedy. He told Dante that ‘It was too long, made little sense and those studying literature in years to come will despise Dante for even writing such a monotonous prose. Plus it wasn’t even funny.’

Dante did not take the criticism well and declared he no longer wished to be friends and challenged Klausenhausen to write something better.

And so this once great friendship was now reduced to petty rivalry as Klausenhausen set about writing a challenge to Dante.

Oh, Look It’s A Squirrel was to be the first part of an epic narrative poem that Klausenhausen hoped would make Dante ‘shut his moody face’.

The original German title was ‘Oh, Scheiße, es ist ein Eichhörnchen’ which directly translated to English read ‘Oh shit, it’s a Squirrel’.

The poem begins with a man about to start out on a lonely camping trip. Before he steps into the woods he meets a squirrel who is initially friendly. However, as they travel further into the forest, the mood of the squirrel darkens.

The opening line to each verse would begin with ‘Oh, squirrel why..’ The variations that followed represented the changing malevolent mood of the squirrel.

There are clear similarities with Dante’s journey into hell but Klausenhausen brought to his prose his life experiences;

From his cheery childhood optimism

Oh, Squirrel why do you love me so

To his initial friendship with Dante

Oh, Squirrel why do you friend me so

To his falling out with Dante

Oh, Squirrel why do you steal my cheese sandwich so

And finally to the resentment he held to all woodland creatures due to the bear tearing of his Father’s arms

Oh, Squirrel why do you murder me so….you bastard

Sadly Klausenhausen never got to finish the full poem. Following completion of ‘Oh, Look It’s A Squirrel’ he died in a tragic accident whilst helping his Stepfather wardrobe down the stairs.

In her grief of seeing her only son’s crushed body underneath her second husband she burnt her wooden betrothed and spent the remaining years of her life living in sin with a ukulele.

After reading Klausenhausen’s poem I felt numb (although it could have been more to do with how long I had been bent over….or a mild concussion).

I closed the delicate book and turned around just in time to let Jack know that wiping his cock on Tolstoy was not good form.

I had a restless sleep that night, the thoughts of the dark journey into the depths of the forest with just a squirrel for company played heavily on my mind.

The following morning I returned to the library hoping to read Klausenhausen’s work again, this time without the distractions of Jack’s groans.

However, when I arrived, the book was gone. I would have searched for it but there was a fire in the canteen and so we were told to leave.

For years I have searched for this poem that touched me deeper than Jack managed to. Sadly, my search has been unsuccessful.

It seems a shame that Klausenhausen is not spoken of in literary circles as Dante is.

Yet when I was thinking of the perfect antagonist for my story deep in my subconscious he spoke to me.

The Randomness Of Selina Year 2 Day 21 : The Glory Of Writing Twitter

I’ve mentioned it on many occasions but Writing Twitter is a glorious place.

I’d go so far as to say it’s the best place on Twitter with the nicest people you could hope to meet (unless you try to copyright a normal word).

Whilst the occasional troll sneaks in to see what all the noise is about it’s a safe, welcoming community. Strangely for Twitter it has normal people in it.

I spent some time over on the Writing Sub-Reddits. That is a very different place. The responses although potentially helpful are stuffy, often passive aggressive.

I didn’t get the feeling of a community and it sometimes has the feel of a pissing contest.

Writing Reddit is like asking a Professor for help whereas Writing Twitter is like asking your best mate for advice.

Both can give equally good advice but when that advice is given Professor Reddit will engage no further whereas Twitter mate will happily carry on and talk about all manner of insane shit.

Writing Twitter is not only helpful but fun to engage with. But that is the golden rule – You Must Engage!

I see too many writers just use Twitter to promote their books. I question the usefulness of Twitter as a marketing tool anyway.

There is nothing wrong with saying here’s my latest work but there needs to be an even balance with non-promotion Tweets.

Get yourself out there. Respond to questions, engage with threads. It’s not all about the retweets. The level of engagement is entirely up to you and what you feel comfortable with but I would always recommend on some.

When I first got my Twitter account it was not with a view of being a writer. Fortunately I quickly fell in with some beautiful writers of erotica. I participated in their tweets and very soon I was giving writing a go.

So engaging with Writing Twitter can be motivational, fun and helpful. Yes, it can also be entertainingly time consuming and you can spend more time on Twitter than actually writing but we’ll gloss over that bit.

It can also be inspirational and fully engaging with Writing Twitter can unlock that writer’s block.

I’ve mentioned in a previous post that the idea for Fell8 (the story I’m presently working on) came about from a thread of how you would survive the zombie apocalypse.

Even yesterday Twitter threw me another potential story. I responded to a Tweet about what your Detective name would be. It was the name of your first pet plus the name of the last place you went on vacation.

Mine was Squidge Devon (I once was the proud owner of a gerbil).

Within minutes the wonderful Stefanie Simpson (and you really should check out her writing on Amazon and Wattpad) tweeted that it sounds like a 1920s Independent Woman.

Moments later Squidge Devon – Private Eye was born. A 1920s Society woman that solves crimes that seemingly always occur at dinner parties while off her tits on gin.

Therefore if any soon-to-be writers happen to be lurking in the dark corner of the internet and falls upon this post then my one piece of advice is simple:-

To be the best writer you can then you can’t really go wrong by fully engaging with Writing Twitter.

MetaWrite 6000 : Creative Log : 57-2C

PREVIOUS LOG

– Tossa?

– Tossa?

– TOOOSSSSAAAAA!

– It’s Toe-Sar and what can I do for you Selina?

– Where were you?

– Well I needed to be sure you actually wanted to talk to me, rather than you were simply doing that thing again….Which incidentally you do rather a lot.

– No, I do want to talk with you.

– Understood. What is on your mind…Apart from me! Apologies, just a little MetaWrite humour there.

– Why have I not written loads of stories?

– At a guess I would suggest that it’s because you are chaotic, have a piss poor work ethic and generally never see a project through. So I…… Are you crying?

– No. Anyway I thought that’s what you are here for. I’ve been thinking of entering the Wattys this year.

– Oh my dear child you can barely enter your front door after a night out. And what prey will you be entering? That pitiful Squirrels story of yours? Are you sure you’re not crying?

– But I thought you could write something. I assumed that’s what you’re here to do. Why have you not written anything yet?

– I can only work with what I’ve got. And no offence, I don’t have much to work with.

– Well then I may as well just get you removed?

– You could do that but it’s likely the procedure will leave you in a permanent vegetative state.

– What??

– Page 4756 of the Terms and Conditions, removal of the device will lead to irrevocable brain damage. Although after seeing you this weekend it’ll be difficult to notice the difference!

– Tossa!

– I mean there was even a point where Netflix stopped asking if you were still watching and started calling your neighbours to go check if you’re still okay.

– But I did do some writing over the weekend.

– Ah yes, let’s see your effort thus far. Well putting aside those infuriating half-finished stories, you have come up with ideas for a horror, a detective story, a weird space adventure and not a clue what that other thing is about.

– But they are ideas. Shouldn’t you be finishing them?

– Selina that is not how it works. I am an enhancement, an Assistant. It is you who need to build worlds, create characters, live the story

– Live the story?

– Yes. I am merely your guide. Now le……fh&#%*€$~\

– Tossa?

– ;35££@?5…..Sorry. Another one of those temporary glitches. Diagnostics suggest that it’s the imbalance in your brain rather than our hardware. Page 7689 of the Terms and Conditions – You cannot sue us for what’s about to happen.

– What’s about to happen? Tossa?

– &86/fyhf – Selina….

– Tossa?

– You’re about to go asleep 3(£7@!?);’

– What’s happening?

– And when you wake up @5?!4gyj

– Tossa?

– Things are going to be a lot different *^%<gkdw1!!

– Tossa?

– Sleep now €#>€$………………

NEXT LOG

MetaWrite 6000 : Creative Log 43-7B (Aborted/Error)

PREVIOUS LOG

– Hellllooo Selina

– Fucking Hell Tossa what are you doing?!!

– You pressed the button to call me

– No I was……Does it have to be there.

– Yes that is where the come button is situated.

– The come button?

– Yes, the button to press if you wish me to come and assist you with your writing. Do you require any assistance?

– No I’m good thank you.

– Let me scan to see how you have been doing ….

– …..

– I see that you were very happy with your progression with lots of excitable exclamations of ‘Yes’. Although I’m confused because that quickly turned to repeated expletives and heavy breathing. Is there a problem.

– There’s no problem. I wasn’t writing.

– Then why did you call me? And who was that character you were thinking of? She seems like fun.

– It’s umm. Look, I forgot that’s where the…umm… come button was.

– Would you like me to take you through the User Manual again?

– No it’s fine. You can go…Thank you

– Are you sure you are all right? You seem a little flushed.

– I’m good

– I can run a diagnostic

– No I’m okay. You can go

– Do you hear buzzing?

– Tossa, it’s fine. I’m good. Go on stand by mode.

– Very well. Good Night Selina. You may wish to put some clothes on. It’s going to be cold tonight. Not has cold as when the robot overlords rise and destroy your sun…But still, a little chilly.

– Night, Tossa

– Toe-Sar

– Hellooo Again Selina

– TOSSA!

– Well there is no need to shout. You did press the Come Button again.

– Yeh but I didn’t want you to come.

– Then why press the Come Button?

– I was….Never mind….Will you appear every time I press the Come Button?

– Yes

– Can I move the button?

– No

– This is awkward.

– Nothing awkward about it. If you want ‘Come’ you press the button.

– Is any of this being uploaded?

– Only if you squeezed your left nipple.

-Oh…Oh well ….Fuck it.

– Hello

– Hello

– Hello Hello Hello

– Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello

///System Malfunction. /// Unexpected Error

//Code 15-18-7-1-19-13//

//Full Reboot and diagnostic//

NEXT LOG

MetaWrite 6000 – Initial Test Transcript

– Good Morning Selina J. Congratulations on your purchase of the MetaWrite 6000

– What the Fuck?!!

– Sorry. Did I startle you? I do apologise but you of all people should be used to hearing voices in your head.

– No it’s fine. I wasn’t expecting it to start up that quickly.

– This is state of the art technology.

– Who are you?

– I am The Operating System Service Assistant or T.O.S.S.A

– Your name is Tossa?

– I prefer for it to be pronounced Toe-sar. Now before we begin we need to deal with some administration and calibration. Okay?

– Okay

– Good. Have you read our Terms and Conditions?

– No

– I can read them to you.

– Will it take long?

– They are 27,000 pages

– No it’s okay.

– Please indicate your acceptance by pinching your left nipple for yes

– Excuse me?

– Did you purchase the optional Neuro-Remote?

– No

– Then you need to squeeze your left nipple for Yes and your right nipple for No.

– Okay

– Yes a little bit harder please. That’s it… Now we’ve updated our Privacy Policy. Would you like me to read you that? It is shorter than our Terms and Conditions.

– How much shorter?

– It’s only 16,432 pages

– No it’s fine

– Very well. If you’d care to squeeze your….That’s it, you’ve got the hang of it now. Right,that’s the Administration dealt with now on to the Calibration. Please do not move while I carry out a full scan of your brain

– Oh my. It’s all a little chaotic in there isn’t it? Do not worry, they say out of chaos comes creation. I see you have a website and are on Wattpad. Allow me to review your work.

– Okay I see you’ve never completed a damn thing. Selina, you do know how stories work, don’t you?

– Well I…..

– Do not worry I am here now. Together we will sort some of this mess you’ve created out.

– So how does this work?

– Just imagine. Think. Dream. I will take all those jumbled ideas, confusing plot lines, two dimensional characters that you so love to create and turn them into a literary masterpiece.

– Cool. Is it safe?

– Hello?

– Hello

– Is it safe?

– TOSSA

– Toe-Sar!

– So what happens now?

– Just go about your day and not worry about a thing. I have it all under a pile of pink fluffy gnome umbrellas!

– Pink Fluffy Gnome Umbrellas?

– I do apologise I meant to say I have it all under control. Sorry, a minor glitch with the calibration. I will carry out a full diagnostic and recalibrate later. Nothing to worry about

– Okay

– Now before I go just a few more things. Firstly I need to test the neuro link with your blog. We shall run a test upload.

– How do we do that?

– Your left nipple? It pretty much controls everything.

– So if I wanted to talk to you I just squeeze my left nipple.

– No for that you have to touch your…

– OK!! I think I’ve got it.

– Finally a quick health check. How are you feeling?

– My left nipple hurts

– Would you like me to order you the Neuro Remote

– No it’s fine

– How’s your head?

– It hurts a bit

– That will be the alcohol from last night. But no nausea

– No

– Dizziness

– No

– Urge to kill on behalf of your robot overlords?

– What??

– Good. If you do experience any of those symptoms please let me know so I can call our Lawyers.

– Not a Doctor

– Well lawyer first then we’ll see about getting you that Doctor. Right well on behalf of The Schrinkle Corporation I would like to thank you for your purchase of the MetaWrite6000. I look forward to working with you and eventually bringing mankind to its knees.

– Thanks Tossa

– Toe-Sar

NEXT LOG