Six months. That is how long I was with Keith, checking off the items from his naughty bucket list.
I was feeling rather upbeat about this arrangement. I had seen the list, we had agreed upon which ones I would do plus Keith had promised it would be more than just sex.
On that front he was certainly true to his word, treating me to lavish meals, nights out at the theatre and whatever else I cared to ask for. I even managed to drag him along to a comic convention, where he spent most of the time gazing at the variety of cosplayers before promptly amending his sex bucket list.
‘Keith ,I don’t remember ‘ must be dressed as Batgirl’ on this one?’
It wasn’t the case that he would take me out somewhere as a reward for a sterling sexual performance. Indeed, sometimes he just wanted to have my company during a meal.
‘No Keith, a guy buys me dinner then I suck his cock..Thats how it works, right?’
Whilst it was all rather gentlemanly of him I was concerned that he was becoming too attached. That was certainly something I wished to avoid. I had no intention of being a slutty stepmother to someone who was the same age as me.
No matter how kind, attentive and considerate Keith may have been I was not after any relationship. Although he was showing me how a guy should treat a girl I was more focused on seeing through my part of the deal. I was determined that neither of us would renege on our agreement; even if regular lunch at the Savoy was quite pleasant.
The first of Keith’s fantasies to be fulfilled was to have sex in his office. He had it all planned; indeed, Keith would often brief me as to expectations of the fantasy. I did not mind, as such was his innocent charm, I found it mildly amusing as he bumbled over describing the sex act he wanted performed. Sometimes, I would play dumb or pretend I hadn’t heard something so he’d have to repeat it again.
The only slight downside to Keith’s pre-sex briefings (or pervy priming as I affectionately referred to them) was that the events lacked an element of spontaneity.
So when I arrived in his office, wearing a long overcoat to disguise the fact that underneath was nothing more than bra, panties and stockings, I was immediately struck by how empty and tidy his desk was.
Keith had confirmed during the briefing that were going to have sex on his desk. Clearly, he had spent the time when everyone else had gone home to put everything neatly away.
There was to be no passionate sweeping of papers as we ripped each other’s clothes off. No, it was all choreographed to the point I had expected to see markings on the desk like some horny game of Twister.
‘Sorry, does my left buttock go here?’
Nevertheless the creator of these fantasies was having a wonderful time. I had reconciled previously that I would never experience true sexual pleasure. My role in all this was to facilitate someone else’s carnal desires and I was genuinely happy with that arrangement.
If I hadn’t been performing these well planned erotic adventures I would be having some random guy between my legs for no other reason than I felt compelled to do so. This was far more pleasant.
Of course such was my reliance on Keith’s briefings that I didn’t really do much thinking for myself. So as he got his breath back following his orgasm he suggested we go have some dinner.
“But I’m just in my underwear Keith” I pointed out.
“Oh” he replied “Did you not bring a change of clothes?”
As the months went on I felt the happiest I had been for a long time. My mind was flourishing in the brightness, having been stifled for so long under the dark clouds that had consumed me.
When I was with Keith I did not experience any feelings of anger, disgust or frustration that had led to culmination of the storm clouds and the manifestation of that feeling of numbness.
Perhaps the only slight frustration I felt was during one of Keith’s bucket list fantasies when he wanted to have sex whilst his favourite jazz tune played.
Once I had got past the distraction of whether the piano was actually being played correctly, it all seemed to go a little chaotic.
Keith seemed determined to have sex with me to the rhythm of the music, yet there seemed to be no actual rhythm. Cymbals would crash and trumpets blare which sounded like a cat being strangled. Keith’s movements inside me replicated the cacophony of chaos that filled the room. If someone had been watching they would be forgiven in thinking that this fifty year old was having a fit.
The fantasy had been to make love to this one particular tune but after twenty minutes of random crash, bangs and wallops I brought Keith, who was happily humming away, closer to me and whispered
“Hun I think this is a different tune?”
Without breaking from his haphazard rhythm he replied “No. Still the same one.”
That evening I certainly had admiration for Keith’s stamina but cannot say that I had a new found love for jazz.
The final bucket list fantasy was left purposely to last, not by me but by Keith. I never asked why, perhaps he wanted to end our time together with a bang. Keith wanted to get a little kinky.
I was unsurprised that this particular fantasy would appear on the list; around that time it was all the rage. Thousands of sexually repressed British people were showing how much they loved their partner by tieing them up and whacking them.
I had been tied up before but rarely made a habit of it. Although I had no control over my compulsion to have random sex I still retained some semblance of intelligence. I was not suddenly going to let a guy I had just met tie me up so I could not escape, or at the very least kick him in the balls. But I had been with Keith for months, he was kind and I trusted him.
My arse had been spanked countless times during sex and some of my one nighters would get a little rough. Nevertheless, Keith was a gentle soul and doubted he could hurt me.
Therefore I had agreed to this particular fantasy expecting that this would all be performed rather half-heartedly and that Keith would lose interest halfway through and just revert back to normal sex.
However he had planned this quite methodically and wanted to insert a little roleplay into this fantasy. Here was where we encountered the first problem.
I had grown up in comic book stores and had listened to numerous heated discussions about plot holes and the problem with retcons.
I would never participate in such discussions but clearly some of the fanboy ranting must have rubbed off on me because I was unhappy with the plot of Keith’s fantasy.
“So you will be a naughty secretary that I punish for making mistakes.” said Keith.
I stifled a giggle as I watched Keith describe his naughty idea in such a bumbling manner. However, I felt this storyline needed to be clarified.
“Wait. What sort of mistakes?” I enquired.
Keith was not expecting any enquiry into the detail of his fantasy and stuttered his response “Ermmm.. You know, not filing properly, late.. That sort of stuff.”
“So I’m incompetent?” I replied
“Well.. Yes I guess you are.”
“So not naughty just incompetent.” I stated.
“Well… No.. You’re naughty and incompetent” bumbled Keith.
“Not doing the filing properly and that does not make me naughty it makes me shit at my job.”
Keith went to say something but I continued “I mean if I can’t do my job properly then you give me warnings… training… notify HR… Not fucking flog me. That’s not in the Company Manual”
“HR don’t know and you are too concerned about keeping your job to say anything to anyone.” Keith said, desperately trying to maintain the simplicity of this fantasy.
“Fuck off. My job is to do filing. You start threatening to spank me cos I’m shit at it.. I’ll bloody leave straight away.”
Keith smiled trying to find a compromise “Look let’s just say I am a kinky boss that likes to punish poor workers that way.”
“Did you do that to Roger when he broke the photocopier?” I replied.
“Who’s Roger?” Keith asked, looking a little confused.
“Just someone I added to this scenario to give it some realism”
Keith held his hands up “There is no Roger.”
“He’s got a wife and two kids you know” I added
“SELINA!” Keith exclaimed before smiling and calmly he replied “OK you’re not incompetent just slutty and you make these mistakes purposely to get me to punish you. ”
“So why don’t I just ask you to spank me?” I suggested.
“Excuse me?” asked Keith.
“Rather than just pretend to be shit at my job why don’t I just bend over your desk and say ‘spank me big boy'”
“Because….” Keith thought for a moment, sighed and went and got a drink.
The evening of the fantasy I emerged from the bathroom wearing black thigh high stockings and a basque, all finished off with a choker. If there were any doubt what Keith intended to do then the fact my bare arse was clearly on show was a bit of a giveaway.
“I don’t think this is really suitable office attire, Keith” I said.
“We’ve moved on from that scenario now.” he replied.
Since my geeky necessity for plot perfection Keith had not shared with me the details of his new revised fantasy. My ex Steven used to do that a lot but Keith was kinder and gentler. I was certain I had nothing to worry about. At the end of the day I was simply submitting myself to a guy I’ve known for just a few months holding a paddle in his hand.
There was a pillar that separated his lounge from the hallway and Keith chose that location to tie me up. Facing the pillar he begun to bind my hands and ankles.
“Oh… We need a safe word” he said.
“How about ‘Stop fucking hitting me you wanker'” I suggested.
Ignoring my comment he provided the name of one of his favourite Jazz musicians as our safe word.
With me bound and nowhere to go Keith stalked round me. He was naked save for a silk robe that did little to hide his modesty.
” You’ve been a bad girl.” He offered that cliché in a rather unconvincing way but followed it up with a crack of the paddle on my bare buttocks.
It was at that moment of the hard leather colliding with my soft skin that I realised something. It was something I had not really thought about. All the rough sex and scrapes I had gotten into in my life it had never occurred to me until that moment.
I don’t like pain.
I really don’t like pain.
“Fuckin’ Hell Keith” I screamed
“Yeh you like that don’t you? You naughty girl” he replied, now in full role play mode.
“No it fucking hurts” I screamed with tears forming in my eyes.
But Keith did not relent and why would he? This was his fantasy and I hadn’t said the safe word.
Thwack! Thwack! Thwack!
Pride was not the reason I didn’t scream out the safe word. Nor was it because I was enjoying it; having my arse beaten was definitely not my idea of a fun Friday night. However determined I was to fulfill Keith’s fantasies I had no hesitation in calling it off.
No, the reason I did not was because I wasn’t paying attention when he told me. I probably should have written it down but that was difficult on account of my hands being tied up at the time.
For all Keith knew my cries of pain were an act; an exaggerated performance to bring to life his fantasy. He wanted to punish me for being slutty. He wanted to punish me for being incompetent and failing to do the most basic things in life correctly. Art imitating life. Perhaps there were reasons I wasn’t shouting out the safe word.
Thwack! Thwack! Thwack!
My buttocks stung and the soreness of my skin made each whack more painful. Keith was relentless, his normal kind demeanour had transformed into something more sinister. Was he trying to really hurt me? Or was he simply performing a role. Just all part of the make believe.
As I stood there, bound, being flogged an image flashed through my mind. It was an image that I had become familiar with but which had been absent from my mind for the entire duration of the relationship with Keith.
It was of the dark towering behemoth. The one that would lead me towards that final descent into the dark abyss of nothingness.
At the start of our relationship I had contemplated whether Keith could be that final liason but had quickly dismissed that thought. He was kind and his bumbling nature had been disarming.
Yet, although I had no control over my compulsion which had seen me engage in all manner of sexual activity, I had always been careful never to leave myself in a position of vulnerability where I would be unable to resist the advances of the mystery monster that haunted my dreams. But I found myself bound, unable to move, unable to run. I was totally at the mercy of another.
I could sense the sinister black clouds forming, ready to erase the brightness of my mind that I had enjoyed the past few months. No doubt Lina would be riding the roaring gloom like a lustful valkyrie; crashes of thunder would ring out in my head to signal her return.
I closed my eyes as Keith continued to punish me. I had submitted to whatever Keith intended to do next. Would he hurt me? I mean really hurt me. Use me in whatever way he desired with no consideration of myself.
This was to be our final time together…..a final liaison. Bound tightly I could not see behind me. Dare I try to look? To see that once gentle face now contorted in an expression of dark lustful malevolence. His skin reddening from the exertion of the brutality he was delivering.
With tears running down my face I closed my eyes once more willing the numbness that the dark clouds would provide to arrive.
Then the beating stopped. I stood there in silence, my breath in sync with the throbbing of my skin. Why had he stopped? Was this the calm before the actual storm? Then he spoke, the comforting bumbling tones a juxtaposition of the image of the raging punisher I had fixed in my mind.
“Well I must say this isn’t at all what I imagined” he said “Not at all. I am rather disappointed and really don’t see what the fuss is all about”
I let out a laugh which was more an exclamation of relief. “You not aroused then Keith?” I asked.
“Not in the slightest. I do hope I did not hurt you in pursuing this ridiculous fantasy” he said as he begun to untie me.
“No… Just stings a little” I replied.
Free of restraint I watched Keith slump mournfully into an armchair. Our final time had not been the event he had hoped for. He realised that was it, the end of the deal, time to go our separate ways.
Even I could not end it on such a sour note. There was a element of pride there. The Fantasy Giver was not about to bow out on a loss. But also I had become rather fond of Keith.
I dropped to my knees and begun to slowly crawl towards Keith.
“Selina what are you doing?” he exclaimed.
I did not respond, just continued my slow, sultry journey to his lap where I took his flaccid penis in my hand guiding it towards my lips.
I looked up at Keith as I felt him grow hard inside my warm mouth. His look was one of confusion… Just what I like!
I sucked on his expanding meat until he was about to explode, all the while my eyes were fixed on his, watching the bewildered enjoyment he was experiencing. This is how Selina says goodbye… Or is that more Lina’s style.
I stood up and straddled Keith lowering myself onto his wet cock. He gripped my buttocks that were raw from the beating they had taken. A sharp intake of breath accompanied my descent onto his aroused member.
Keith buried his face into my pert breasts as I slid up and down upon him. It was raw and it was passionate. No briefing. No priming. Just instinctive spontaneous sex. This aroused Keith more than perhaps he wanted. His orgasm came quick hard. He shook and in the final throes of his passionate release I swore he muttered “I love you.”
In that moment I probably could have said the same. Keith was not to be my downfall. He was not my foe determined to destroy me, he was my saviour.
Instead of dragging me down into that dark pit of despair he had jumped in and plucked me out. He was my white knight, not so much in shining armour but in pinstripes.
Rather than confirm my ultimate destruction and sentence me to a lifetime of soul sapping numbness he had, through his kindness, banished those clouds.
Keith was a decent man. An honest man. So why would I not tell him I love him and carry on with the relationship?
What is that old cliché? It’s not you it’s me? There was nothing wrong with Keith but there sure as hell was something wrong with me.
Despite the best efforts of the pinstriped warrior fragments of the darkness he rescued me from remained. Small reminders as to what I had done, what I was like, what I was capable of.
Lina would return; I had no doubt about that. I didn’t want Keith to meet her, he certainly did not deserve that. She would have no regard for his feelings and lay waste to his beautiful kind manner.
If I told him I loved him it would make what would follow harder. That moment I would callously and cruelly hurt him for no other reason than I was bored. To respond to his gestures of kindness with a numb indifference. That was not fair. He deserved better.
He had saved me and in return I had given him everything he wanted. They had been a happy six months and it was probably best to keep them that way.
So I could not tell him I loved him. It was time to move on and my parting words as I slid down his cock one final time were simple;
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