Dear Mummy…Somewhere

A card that I write

To show that I care

Simply addressed

Dear Mummy….Somewhere

No kisses. No hugs

No ‘There. There’

The things I do miss

Dear Mummy….Somewhere

Now that I have grown

I want to compare

Would you do it like this?

Dear Mummy….Somewhere

The path I must take

You’re unable to share

Alone I must go

Dear Mummy….Somewhere

Never a reunion

My unanswered prayer

Just a single photo

Dear Mummy….Somewhere

A card that I write

To show that I care

Forever in my heart

Dear Mummy….You’re There

The Randomness Of Selina : Year 2 Day 2 : Adventures of a Cartoon Moose Head

The other day I posted a tweet that referenced supergluing a cartoon Moose head to a neighbour’s front door.

Nobody picked up on it!…,Do y’all not read my tweets anymore?! (I don’t blame you…I don’t read them neither).

Anyway this is actually based on a true story.

It all started when I begun having sex with my neighbour. It’s not something I would advocate doing, the old adage of ‘not pissing on your own doorstep’ and all that.

However this was during the time I was having sex with lots of people and paid little heed to any adage and generally would piss anywhere…..if you get my meaning.

It was to be a brief and unsatisfying relationship. Sex was average; from what I recall he was lazy and preferred me on top with him offering only minimal effort with occasionally rotating his hips.

Needless to say this didn’t last long (both the sex and the relationship) and soon he was back to being my neighbour……A neighbour who I had fucked……and was now being a dick about it.

So where does the moose head come into it? Well I have a friend called Mel. She has a habit of saying. ‘Wouldn’t it be funny if…’ and normally we would do what she has suggested and indeed it would be funny.

One evening we were drinking in a strange pub that had a plush cartoon moose head above a disused fireplace. Mel thought it would be funny if we took it as a memento of our visit.

The following morning I awoke hungover with the moose staring straight at me.

Rather than return it, the moose remained behind my sofa and I had pretty much forgotten about it.

Then Mel popped round for a drink and I was telling her about how much of a dick my neighbour was. She spied the moose head behind the sofa and said

“Wouldn’t it be funny if we glued it to your neighbours door”

So we did.

And we laughed as we did it.

We laughed as we watched him try to prise it off his door.

Mel laughed when I got a £300 bill from my landlord for the damage caused.

New Idea

The chaotic muse that I am has been toying with a few ideas. I’ve been working on some spin offs from the immensely popular Unicorned Squirrels franchise.

I’m creating the SquirrelVerse

First up to explore the break out fan favourite character from the original – Doll.

I’m thinking having her solve crimes with a 1970s gritty vibe about it.

It might just work

The Randomness Of Selina : Year 2, Day 1 : Happy Websiteaversary

OfSelina is 1 year old!

Looking back I think it’s fair to say that my website started well, went a bit downhill , perked up a little and then has been on a steady decline since.

According to the stats this is my 66th post. I don’t think I have achieved anything I set out to do but that said I don’t think I had a plan in the first place.

Lesson One guys – Always have a plan or at least a vague idea as to what you are doing.

I had a pre-plan. The plan for the plan. Yet there was one thing I had not factored in – Life! That and the fact my pre-plan sucked.

To be fair my earliest post did suggest this website would be a digital version of my mind. I believe I have recreated my chaotic thought process beautifully!

Sure the unfinished stories are frustrating but didn’t someone once say ‘Chaos makes the muse’?

Incidentally, I’d make a great muse for someone. Just hanging out waiting for them to clap their hands and summons me to do their bidding….Wait….That’s actually being in a harem.

Anyway moving on….

NEW IDEA

As a lot of you will I know I like comic books and I created my own superhero……The Tropeador

The premise is that he will encapsulate every Super Hero Trope.

Basically Styles is a mild mannered guy who fancies his stunningly beautiful neighbour . However he’s a bit of a nerd and she’s all into athletic types.

She likes him but never really pictured his sweaty buttocks thrusting up and down between her.

Oh did I mention he is an orphan. His parents died in a tragic accident. I’m working on what type of accident but probably will involve a wardrobe, some baby oil and an inconveniently placed ornament of a peacock.

Although his parents were also mild mannered there will be subtle clues that their lives may have been a little more mysterious. Perhaps their death was not an accidental flat pack furniture based incident but intentional!

There will be once scene where Styles is sitting in his Father’s office and he notices a book. It looks a little out of place. Has it always been there? He walks over and touches it and suddenly a secret door opens.

Why did his Father have a secret room? Was he a spy? A vigilante? Or, as it’ll turn out, was this simply a quiet place for him to go to knock one out to five minute vids on PornHub without being disturbed by his wife?

So how will Styles get his super powers? It’s a work in progress but present thinking is he will drink something.

You know at Christmas you feel compelled to buy an alcoholic drink you have no desire to consume but you feel it’s necessary to have because it’s Christmas? You then find that beverage 9 months later when you’ve run out of beer and thus begins the contemplation of whether it’s sensible to drink it.

That’s how Styles gets his powers – by drinking an out of date Christmas drink.

As I say it’s a work in progress.

MetaWrite 6000 – Initial Test Transcript

– Good Morning Selina J. Congratulations on your purchase of the MetaWrite 6000

– What the Fuck?!!

– Sorry. Did I startle you? I do apologise but you of all people should be used to hearing voices in your head.

– No it’s fine. I wasn’t expecting it to start up that quickly.

– This is state of the art technology.

– Who are you?

– I am The Operating System Service Assistant or T.O.S.S.A

– Your name is Tossa?

– I prefer for it to be pronounced Toe-sar. Now before we begin we need to deal with some administration and calibration. Okay?

– Okay

– Good. Have you read our Terms and Conditions?

– No

– I can read them to you.

– Will it take long?

– They are 27,000 pages

– No it’s okay.

– Please indicate your acceptance by pinching your left nipple for yes

– Excuse me?

– Did you purchase the optional Neuro-Remote?

– No

– Then you need to squeeze your left nipple for Yes and your right nipple for No.

– Okay

– Yes a little bit harder please. That’s it… Now we’ve updated our Privacy Policy. Would you like me to read you that? It is shorter than our Terms and Conditions.

– How much shorter?

– It’s only 16,432 pages

– No it’s fine

– Very well. If you’d care to squeeze your….That’s it, you’ve got the hang of it now. Right,that’s the Administration dealt with now on to the Calibration. Please do not move while I carry out a full scan of your brain

– Oh my. It’s all a little chaotic in there isn’t it? Do not worry, they say out of chaos comes creation. I see you have a website and are on Wattpad. Allow me to review your work.

– Okay I see you’ve never completed a damn thing. Selina, you do know how stories work, don’t you?

– Well I…..

– Do not worry I am here now. Together we will sort some of this mess you’ve created out.

– So how does this work?

– Just imagine. Think. Dream. I will take all those jumbled ideas, confusing plot lines, two dimensional characters that you so love to create and turn them into a literary masterpiece.

– Cool. Is it safe?

– Hello?

– Hello

– Is it safe?

– TOSSA

– Toe-Sar!

– So what happens now?

– Just go about your day and not worry about a thing. I have it all under a pile of pink fluffy gnome umbrellas!

– Pink Fluffy Gnome Umbrellas?

– I do apologise I meant to say I have it all under control. Sorry, a minor glitch with the calibration. I will carry out a full diagnostic and recalibrate later. Nothing to worry about

– Okay

– Now before I go just a few more things. Firstly I need to test the neuro link with your blog. We shall run a test upload.

– How do we do that?

– Your left nipple? It pretty much controls everything.

– So if I wanted to talk to you I just squeeze my left nipple.

– No for that you have to touch your…

– OK!! I think I’ve got it.

– Finally a quick health check. How are you feeling?

– My left nipple hurts

– Would you like me to order you the Neuro Remote

– No it’s fine

– How’s your head?

– It hurts a bit

– That will be the alcohol from last night. But no nausea

– No

– Dizziness

– No

– Urge to kill on behalf of your robot overlords?

– What??

– Good. If you do experience any of those symptoms please let me know so I can call our Lawyers.

– Not a Doctor

– Well lawyer first then we’ll see about getting you that Doctor. Right well on behalf of The Schrinkle Corporation I would like to thank you for your purchase of the MetaWrite6000. I look forward to working with you and eventually bringing mankind to its knees.

– Thanks Tossa

– Toe-Sar

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