The Overlord Unicorned Squirrels From Mars : The Complete Movie Pitch

I present for the first time the Movie Pitch to The Overlord Unicorned Squirrels From Mars in one handy to read blog post.

No need to thank me . You’re welcome. Enjoy.

So the movie opens with a wide shot of a forest or a wood (not sure if there is a difference between a forest and a wood. I mean I have been propositioned many times to get naughty in the local woods but never a forest.)

So the camera takes the viewer inside the woods and in the clearing are a male and female having sex.

I think it’s always good to start a movie with a sex scene. After all there will be a lot of guys out on romantic dates and they maybe feeling a little horny at the prospect of what may lay ahead for them.

Research shows that they are unlikely to pay attention to what is happening on the screen and instead will be preoccupied with thinking up ways they can get their date to touch their junk in the dark cinema.

Therefore a sex scene right off the bat ought to provide adequate encouragement to quickly leave and go knock one out. This would mean that they can concentrate on the rest of the movie and their partner can enjoy the popcorn without the guy’s penis emerging from the kernels.

Now how full on we go with the sex scene will largely be based on the rating we are likely to get. If the squirrel based violence will see us R rated then I reckon go full on HBO with the sex.

We could get all arty with the sex scene. You know close up of writhing skin, fogged breath emerging from mouths all intercut with nature based metaphors like a close up of a worm going into a hole. Maybe keep going back to a confused looking sparrow.

Or we could simply settle for the sight of a pair of buttocks thrusting up and down as the sound of pleasure echoes through the forest (or woods).

As the sex scene reaches its climax we have a close up of the female, her eyes closed, the pleasure on her face clear. As she opens her eyes we follow her sight to a tree and there sits a squirrel with its back to her.

Her male companion speeds up with his thrusting, the moment of release is imminent. Throughout his fervent banging the female’s gaze is firmly on this squirrel.

The camera leaves the copulating couple and zooms in on the squirrel; the sounds of pleasure get louder and as we reach the squirrel it suddenly turns. The viewer is presented with its demonic red eyes, gnarling teeth and oversized unicorn horn on its head.

This monstrous squirrel leaps from the branches ( that shit would rock in 3D) and we hear the cries of pleasure turn into screams of terror.

It fades to black and we move to the titles. There needs to be a kick arse score with this. I read John Williams doesn’t want to do Star Wars anymore so he’ll be all over this shit. If he’s unavailable then my friend Jez likes to piss around on Garage Band on the iPad so probably could create a tune or two.

Make sure the titles are not tacky. This is, after all, a love story.

The opening score really needs to convey the emotion of killer unicorned squirrels whilst at the same time be a little jovial. You know let the viewer it might not be all bad that rodents with bushy tails and oversized horns want to kill us all.

The opening credits end. They need to run for sufficient time to allow the horny guys who had to go and release following the sex scene time to ..ahem…complete. So say at least 30 seconds.

Actually make it a minute so they can pick up something from the confectionary stand.

So the first scene after the opening credits is set in an apartment.

It is the apartment of Detective Dan Duprez. He’s a brilliant policeman but he’s damaged. Three ex-wives and a teenage daughter who doesn’t like him.

Dan solves crimes in an unorthodox way. He’s difficult to work with but no one seems to mind. Nope HR are cool with his inappropriate comments to his colleagues making the working environment rather toxic. His bosses don’t seem to mind that he has on more than one occasion rammed the face of a suspect against the wall of an interview room, only for it to turn out that guy didn’t do it, because Dan gets results.

I understand a brilliant but flawed Detective is nothing new so if you need him to have ‘a thing’. You know, something he can be associated with that separates him from the countless other brilliantly but flawed Detectives….then …I’m thinking he could presently be shacked up with a sex doll.

Hear me out. Firstly we are not just talking about one of those cheap sex dolls but the more modern ones. You know the ones with real feel skin and actual hair.

Next you got to be thinking about the merchandise. We need as many Pop Vinyl characters as possible and ‘Doll’ would look awesome on the shelf next to the Overlord Unicorned Squirrel.

Thirdly, I am quite confident I can fill the 1 hour 30 minutes of runtime with action and killer dialogue. I don’t need to use up screen time by having Nordicesque staring over a lake for five minutes.

However we need to explain crucial plot points to those who haven’t been paying attention.

So I’m thinking Detective Duprez goes home and tells ‘Doll’ about his day, telegraphing all the important plot points that the viewer needs to know….then he has sex with ‘Doll’.

Good eh? Okay but just don’t rule it out.

So in this scene we establish that he is a detective (his badge and gun are hanging on the bedpost), he is a drinker (he kicks over some whisky bottles), he is getting divorced (court papers are on the fridge) and he also has a daughter (photo also on the fridge). He also has opted for a simpler relationship with a sex doll….See, it really does fit in with the character development.

You may disagree but this has the same vibe as a Castaway Man loves Ball thing. Doll will be the new Wilson and she has tits.

So Detective Duprez goes to the fridge and starts drinking milk when the phone rings. He’s summonsed to attend the site of the grizzly slaughter by the unicorned squirrel we saw before the opening credits.

How much more time do I have to fill with this movie? Really? That long?

Okay maybe he can take the scenic route to the murder scene. Lots of atmospheric driving through narrow lanes in the forest with eerie music.

We follow Detective Duprez on his journey to the forest. To show how brilliant but flawed he is we need to have him driving a crap car so I suggest a Yugo 45 (my brother says he can get us one if we need it).

The Yugo 45 would also be a good choice because if we need to stretch this journey (or indeed any journey) out for runtime reasons it’s highly unlikely the Yugo can comfortably go higher than 60mph.

Anyway he eventually arrives at the crime scene and is met by his partner – Detective Bland.

To be honest, there really will be minimal character development with Detective Bland. His sole purpose is to explain police procedures to the audience and to emphasise how brilliant yet flawed Duprez is.

There really is little point to the character and Detective Duprez will spend the entire time just being a dick to him.

Inevitably Detective Bland will be killed off. I suppose just to make him vaguely interesting he can die saving Duprez.

Duprez of course will be all upset about it despite the fact he has been nothing but a dick to the guy. That should be good enough to sell the premise that flawed but brilliant Duprez always saw Bland as the son he never had. He was just being a complete dick because deep down he really loved him.

So killing Bland off following a brutal attack by a Unicorned Squirrel adds deeper emotional context to the complex characteristics of Duprez. Plus we get this awesome line of dialogue;

Duprez: No Bland that horn was meant for me.

Emotional stuff, right?

Anyway I’m getting ahead of myself. So Duprez and Bland walk towards the bodies that have been savagely attacked by a Unicorned Squirrel. There they meet a Forensic Pathologist.

Again no need to waste time with the character of the Forensic Pathologist because literally all we need he or she to do is engage in this line of dialogue;

Duprez: Cause of death?

Pathologist: I won’t be sure until I’ve studied the bodies back at the lab but if I were to guess I would say the multiple horn shaped penetrating wounds all over the body…. It’s either that or natural causes.

Duprez: What sort of weapon could have make such wounds?

Pathologist: I will know more when I’m back at the lab but I would guess it’s nothing man made.

Duprez: Animal?

Pathologist: Animals don’t make weapons but given the ferocity of the attack I would say we are looking at some sort of creature but I’ll know more when I’m back in the lab.

Duprez: What sort of creature could do this?

Pathologist: I have no idea I’m not a zoologist.

This would lead us nicely into Duprez getting back in his Yugo 45 and taking a long drive to go speak with the zoologist.

Yes I know this is all unnecessary because the audience knows it was a Unicorned Squirrel that did it. But do they know the squirrel is from Mars?…Yes it is in the title of the movie but do they know why the squirrels have come to earth . Okay so the Overlord bit in the title probably does suggest they want to enslave us and take over the world.

But do….Oh never mind.

So Duprez drives to the local zoo and there he meets Melissa the zoologist. She’s dressed in incredibly skimpy khaki shorts and her shirt is unbuttoned revealing ample cleavage.

Look, I know it’s 2018 and really we should be showcasing how this woman is clearly intelligent, has studied hard to achieve her choice of career and we should admire her for ability rather than looks, but we ain’t looking to break any glass ceilings with this movie…

Well there is that scene where the Unicorned Squirrels do crash through a glass ceiling to carry out a slaughter but that’s not the point.

So we first see her tending to an animal (whatever one we can get cheap and won’t shit all over the set).

Duprez wastes no time in walking up to Melissa and showing her the crime scene photos. Just like that! Duprez don’t give a shit. He’s cool with just waving pictures of mutilated bodies around but it’s okay because Duprez gets results.

Duprez : Could these have been caused by an animal?

Melissa: Not from any animal I know

Duprez: A rhino?

Melissa: I know rhinos. Besides it’s too small to have been caused by a rhino

Duprez: Are you sure? Are all your rhinos accounted for?

Now people may expect Melissa to respond along the lines of ‘Fuck you. I’ve spent my entire life studying animals and know how big a rhino horn is. Plus I’ve been here since five in the morning doing an entire round of the zoo. I’m educated, I’m competent and I’d know if a fucking rhino was missing , you dick’.

But instead we will have her happily agreeing to show Duprez to the rhino enclosure.

Now the short walk to the enclosure will all be from the point of view of one of those Unicorned Squirrel bastards, who is high up in a tree. Really ramp up the tension.

Melissa shows Duprez both rhinos are indeed still there. Whilst he should have just taken her word for it in the first place, the fact he would want to double check just shows what a brilliant yet flawed detective he is. Detectives who simply accept what a trained, educated, competent female zoologist may say don’t get results..Not like Duprez does.

As Duprez and Melissa are discussing the fact that the rhinos are still present (even though it’s clear to see they are both there) the Unicorned Squirrel gets closer ready to pounce and then….

Birds fly off from the tree startling Duprez. He asks ‘What’s that’ but Melissa does not respond ‘Birds flying away from a tree’. Instead she remarks that ‘Something must have startled them’.

From the point of view of the Unicorned Squirrel we see Duprez looking up. That brilliant, clever man, he knows something is up.

Duprez exits the zoo. Melissa watches him leave and then turns to walk away when suddenly down falls a….dead mutilated bird. (Yep we are going to troll the audience in thinking it’s a Unicorned Squirrel but it’s not. Those fake scares always work, trust me).

She kneels down to examine the dead bird before slowly looking up at the tree. We know danger lurks there, will Melissa be okay?

The scene cuts to Duprez driving his Yugo back to the Police Station. When he arrives back at the station there is a homeless man outside.

We could, of course, look to explore the social and economic reasons that has led this poor chap to endure a life of deprivation. We could seek to pass comment on a system that allows such hardships to occur. But we’re not.

Nope. The guy’s homeless so he’s going to be shouting about all manner of crazy bollocks. With his long beard and shabby clothes he’ll be screaming ‘They’re here!’ and ‘We’re doomed!’

Despite the fact that Duprez is paid to serve the residents of this town, which includes the homeless guy, he just pushes past him. Because Duprez don’t give a shit.

If you are indeed still reading this pitch with fervent enthusiasm then you may be asking ‘But wait the title suggests interplanetary warfare yet this so far has been a procedural Police drama’

Well, in the next scene we really move into the sci-fi by switching the action to a Secret Astrological Research Centre. Yes, it maybe a small town but when you think about it it’s an obvious place to put such an important and secret facility.

We meet Sophie who is dressed in a white lab coat and unnecessarily short skirt. The lab coat will immediately indicate to the viewer that she is a scientist.

When we first meet her she is looking through a telescope. This will clearly establish she is a space scientist.

Now we do have an important back story to tell with Sophie but I’m acutely aware we need to get back to the gratuitous slaughter of people no-one gives a shit about by the Unicorned Squirrels.

How we achieve this is by introducing another character who can best be described as a ‘dodgy bastard’. We will make it immediate apparent that this guy is odd as he will be bald, have an eye patch and will walk with a limp. He too will be wearing a lab coat. His name is Professor Schrinkle.

From his point of view we see him creep up on Sophie who is attentively looking up at the stars.

“Still trying to find him” He asks in a creepy voice which startles Sophie.

What follows is important dialogue between Sophie and Schrinkle.

Sophie: I will never give up looking for my Father who disappeared during that mission to Mars when I was just a little girl.

Schrinkle: I admire you Sophie. Ever since I was lead scientist on that mission to Mars I have often wondered what happened to your Father.

Sophie: I know you and my Father were good friends and people blamed you for what went wrong. But I know you would have never done anything to endanger him. You’ve been good to me and I remember you ensuring me and mum were okay. You spent a lot of time coming round our house to check on my mum and you also paid for me to make it through Astrological Scientist School. I’m grateful for everything you’ve done.

Schrinkle: How is your Mother by the way? Is she still single? Does she still yoga by that open window on a Tuesday?

He puts his robotic hand on her shoulder (I’ve decided he should have a robotic hand) and whispers “We will find out what happened to him”.

She stands up and moves to take a shower. The owners of this Top Secret Astrological Research Centre decided, following a team meeting, to install a shower after concerns about Sweaty Steve’s personal hygiene were raised.

Having had no real nudity in the movie since the opening scene we need to unnecessarily flash a bit of flesh.

Plus this does allow us to emphasise the creepiness of Schrinkle who watches Sophie through the frosted glass. The sound of creaking metal joints will imply that Schrinkle is pleasuring himself with his robotic hand.

There we have it, all the main players in this emotional melodrama are now in place. It’s time to take it up a notch.

Exciting times!

We enter the second act with important scenes exploring the emotional complexity of the characters interspersed with many Unicorned Squirrel based deaths.

Duprez goes to visit his teenage daughter and is immediately faced with hostility from his ex-wife. She clearly did not appreciate that he is brilliant but flawed.

She has found stability with Derek but it’s important that the viewer has absolutely no respect for Derek.

Sure, he’s reliable, loyal and has provided a safe and peaceful haven for Duprez’s ex wife and daughter. He’s been able to remove them from a chaotic life that ultimately would have seen them spiral into a pit of depression.

He’s stepped up and provided a stable home; giving them all the love he can.

But, fuck you Derek, you’re so boring. When Duprez acts like a dick towards Derek, we won’t care. There’s never been a super hero called Mr Dependable. Batman never became a vigilante because he was tortured by which rubbish bin was being collected that week.

And no-one is going to give a shit when Derek gets brutally murdered by a Unicorned Squirrel.

Duprez wouldn’t have got killed – you loser.

We cut to a scene of a sweet old lady walking her dogs in a park. She lets them off the leash and they run towards the trees. There is rustling of leaves and a high pitched yelp.

The old lady calls out for her dogs. They don’t come. Concerned she walks amongst the trees and there she sees the mutilated corpses of her beloved pets.

With tears in her eyes she looks up at the tree and we see a Unicorned Squirrel pounce down on top of her.

Poor old lady. A retired nurse who, when her husband of forty years died , dedicated her life to a variety of charitable causes. Her five children, ten grandchildren and two great grandchildren are going to be devastated when they learn of her gruesome death. But you’re more upset the dogs died, right?

Duprez arrives at the scene, abandoning his theory that an animal is responsible, he now believes this is the work of a sadistic serial killer.

He examines the bloody consequence of the attack and speaks for the viewer when he exclaims “What sick bastard would do this to a dog?”

Some pointless dialogue and unnecessary explanations will follow from Bland and the Pathologist.

We move back to the Secret Astrological Research Centre where Sophie is getting nearer to solving the puzzle as to what happened to her Father.

We will know this by her exclamations of ‘Strange’ and ‘That’s not possible’. We won’t no exactly what is strange or indeed what isn’t possible. I’d like to say it’s to add a bit of mystery but to be honest I haven’t sorted out all the science stuff just yet.

But this scene is all about Sophie being curious, especially about that strange mechanical sound she hears whenever she turns her back on Professor Schrinkle.

Back to the action now as we cut to an amorous couple; a cheerleader and a football player about to indulge in some carnal pleasure in the woods.

She kneels down ready to perform some expert oral action. The guy throws his head back with pleasure and when he opens his eyes staring back at him is a Unicorned Squirrel, whom piledrives him in the skull.

Blood spurts everywhere which rains down upon the screaming cheerleader who tries to run away before she is also brutally murdered.

Duprez attends concerned about the escalation in murders. He wants to catch who has done this because Duprez gets results.

We quickly move back to the zoo and Melissa is doing zoo like stuff (just in case anyone has forgotten she is a zoologist….although the khaki shorts and the giraffe in the background should be enough).

An evil lurks in the zoo and from the point of view of a bastard squirrel we see it creeping up on Melissa ready to pounce.

Is this the end for poor Melissa? Could this movie be about to get its first meaningful death?

Despite the Unicorned Squirrels being pretty deadly and accurate thus far, for reasons no-one can explain or indeed care about, this particular squirrel misses Melissa as it lunges for her.

What follows is a dramatic and tense chase round the grounds of the zoo. The squirrel bastard relentless in its pursuit. Melissa hides in a room, out of breath..scared. Just when she thinks it is safe…..BAM… A horn pierces the wall.

She screams and tries to runs away but she’s trapped. All she can do is helplessly watch as the squirrel burrows through the concrete. It’s demonic red eyes and gnarling teeth are clearly visible.

She backs into the corner of the wall but the squirrel has its prey just where it wants it. It bares it’s teeth and launches itself towards her.

Then…..BANG….Melissa hits the squirrel with a conveniently placed metal tray. The squirrel is knocked unconscious and then, for good measure, she repeatedly stamps on the fucker.

Back at the Police Station, Duprez is staring thoughtfully at the Evidence Wall. He mumbles that he is ‘missing something’ , but what?

Outside there is a screech of tyres and in walks Melissa holding a bag, her top has conveniently , yet somewhat inexplicably , been ripped in the squirrel attack to show off more flesh.

She tips up the bag and the now dead (and somewhat stamped on) Unicorned Squirrel falls onto the table.

“Here’s your killer!” she pronounces.

Duprez, brilliant as always, enquires what type of animal this.

Breathlessly Melissa responds “This is not any species I know. This is alien.”

And with that revelation we move towards the Final Act.

Melissa points to the dead Unicorned Squirrel to Duprez, declaring that it is an alien species. Now, Duprez in his flawed but brilliant way, is having none of it.

Forgetting he has zero qualifications to even attempt a conversation about alien species, he’s straight up in there suggesting Melissa is crazy for saying it.

Then she shows him the green blood that is oozing from the temple of the Unicorned Squirrel (which occurred when Melissa repeatedly bashed its head in with a metal tray).

Even Duprez knows that green blood can mean only one thing….Alien; well that or you really need to be seeing a Doctor.

Duprez is now all happy to accept its an alien species (not that he really had any justification for disputing that in the first place) and he wants to know more.

Despite the very intelligent Melissa pointing out it was alien, Duprez decides someone else needs to provide more information, so it’s off to the Secret Astrological Research Centre.

Yes, I know it’s meant to be secret but it’s a small town and half the residents work there. Plus there is a whopping great telescope sticking out the roof.

Duprez and Melissa leave the Police station , pushing past the crazy homeless guy still banging on about someone coming, and drive to the Secret Astrological Research Centre.

Despite it being a top secret facility owned by the Government which clearly Duprez does not have clearance for he just storms straight in because Duprez don’t give a shit. Strangely, the people paid to actually stop anyone walking in to a top secret facility don’t really put much effort into stopping him.

Inside he meets Sophie and slams the dead Unicorned Squirrel on a table. WHAM! Just like he couldn’t care less about showing a member of the public photos of decapitated bodies, he’s just waving around dead alien corpses for all to see.

“We think it’s an alien” says Duprez, conveniently ignoring the fact that about ten minutes ago he was ready to have Melissa certified for suggesting such a thing.

Sophie begins to examine the squirrel corpse saying things like ‘interesting’, ‘curious’ and ‘I wonder’ (Like with the science stuff I haven’t got the alien bits all sorted yet but these vague sentiments will be enough to make the viewer think that some mysterious shit is going on).

They are interrupted by Professor Schrinkle. He’s being all creepy and when advised by Duprez of the alien species he offers to help in anyway he can. Schrinkle doesn’t mean it because he is a creepy lying bastard.

It is agreed that Sophie would perform an autopsy on the alien squirrel because that is apparently what Astrological physicists do. Melissa agrees to stay and help and promises to let Duprez know as soon as they find anything out.

Working into the night Sophie and Melissa start talking, it will be a great way to fill in some back story without taking up much time.

Having only just met these girls are not shy of over sharing. Sophie tells Melissa about her dad who was an astronaut that went missing on a one man mission to Mars. She explains how it destroyed the family and left her with a numb feeling of emptiness all her life.

Melissa tells Sophie she is a lesbian.

They then have sex.

Hot, naked lesbian sex.

Putting aside the appropriateness of having sex in a place of work , especially one where you are about to cut open an alien squirrel, there should be nothing wrong with two women expressing their desire for each other.

Love is love and this should be seen as the most natural thing ever.

However, from the point of view of getting people to watch the movie, a hot lesbian sex scene should see it ripped and posted on a website like Pornhub.

A number of guys eager to knock one our before their wife comes home or mum calls them for dinner will watch it. They will then assume that Overlord Unicorned Squirrels is full of hot sex.

They will of course find out that it just has a pair of male writhing buttocks at the start, a solo shower scene and a bit of lesbian sex. But we won’t care because they would have paid their money.

It’s not as if someone is going to post a review on Rotten Tomatoes saying ‘Can only jerk off one and a half times to this ‘.

Anyway, Melissa and Sophie have sex featuring saxophone music, heavy breathing and the sound of a mechanical arm going back and forth.

Melissa awakes from the post-coitus slumber and wraps a sheet round her. Despite not giving a shit about the alien squirrel when she was all horny now that she has had a few orgasms she decides to take a look….. But it’s gone!

She alerts Sophie to the absence of the previously dead alien Unicorned Squirrel. Where could it be?

Back in town, Duprez is just driving around in his Yugo when he gets a call on the radio. There are multiple reports of a disturbance at the bowling alley. Reports of rodents…with horns.

“Shit!” Duprez says performing a handbrake turn in his Yugo “It’s Thursday night. That’s the Mother and Daughter Bowling Tournament Night. I got to get there”.

To really ramp up the tension what we need to do is add a few scenes before Duprez gets the call of a squirrel disturbance.

In these scenes we will see a bunch of random people enjoying themselves at the Mother/Daughter bowling tournament. The mere fact we are paying attention to anybody here is a clear signpost that they are all going to die.

So we have the elderly mother and daughter couple. The daughter is 80 and the mother is 105 and they were at the very first Mother/Daughter bowling tournament; indeed they won it in 1972. Anyhow, they are going to be killed by squirrels.

Next you have a touching scene where a daughter tells her mother that she loves her very much. The mother holding a bowling ball turns and smiles, it’s a loving smile. Then a squirrel emerges from the bowling ball machine and pierces the mother’s head with its horn. Heartbreaking stuff.

We do of course need a loveable fat guy. I’m acutely aware there has been no loveable fat guy in this movie. Let’s change that by introducing Al. He works at the bowling place. Everybody loves Al.

Al tries to save everyone by grabbing the shot gun he keeps under his desk (no one has ever questioned why he has a gun at a bowling alley). Anyway he shoots a few squirrel bastards before ushering a number of patrons to safety into a store cupboard.

Locking the door he turns to utter the words ‘We’ll be safe in here’, right before numerous squirrel horns shoot through the wooden door and spear him to death.

Poor Al. He only had a few days left to retire before he can devote more time to that orphanage he was building.

As we know Duprez’s ex wife and daughter are at the bowling alley. Also there is Derek. You remember Derek, right? Loyal , loving Derek who has provided a stable home to Duprez’s ex wife and daughter.

Now he could be at home watching sports or be out with the boys drinking. Yet he has chosen to pop along to the bowling alley to support the love of his life. What a nice guy. Yet you’re still not going to give a shit when he dies.

But how are Duprez’s ex wife and daughter fairing in this squirrel onslaught? Surprisingly well.

Whilst others run for their lives they have the wherewithal to knock out a few squirrel bastards with hefty swings of a bowling ball.

Yep. Poor Al couldn’t see those squirrels off with a shotgun but a forty year old mother and her teenage daughter can get the job done with a bowling ball (a 12 pound one if you’re interested).

Strangely, the squirrels had been launching at people with pinpoint accuracy yet when it comes to Duprez’s ex wife and daughter they keep on missing.

Finally, Duprez enters the bowling alley. Despite agreeing to protect the entire town he’s more concerned with the welfare of his ex wife and daughter. No one seems to care much about that and are happy another guy has turned up with a gun (the other gun owner, Al, is presently hanging from the door like a macabre pin the tail on the donkey).

Duprez’s ex wife and daughter are both very happy to see Duprez. This proves that even if you are an absolute dick if you try to save someone during a squirrel apocalypse that’ll make you an okay guy.

However , these squirrels are cunning bastards. They circle around Duprez, his ex wife and daughter. This is strange because they could just all launch at them, giving them zero chance of survival. But now they are doing this stalking thing…..it’s for dramatic effect.

Duprez and co are in danger. Can anyone save them? Well Bland (remember him? No didn’t think so) tries to help. He got the call to assist and left his pregnant girlfriend at home. She told him to come back in one piece. He promised. The squirrels rip him in two. Therefore, not only did Bland not do very well at saving anyone, he lied to his pregnant girlfriend.

The squirrels approach the trapped Duprez family. He’s out of bullets. The ex wife has thrown the bowling ball (her motive remains unclear).

Unarmed. No where to go. Who will save them?

Derek. That’s who . Derek will save them.

He jumps in between them and waves a pole at the squirrels. Turning back he tells the previously trapped Duprez clan to run.

Now Duprez ought to be saying ‘No Derek I am employed to look after all residents including you. You go’

But he doesn’t. He grabs his ex wife and daughter and runs out of the bowling alley while Derek bravely fends off the squirrels.

The ex wife looks back to see the squirrels pounce on Derek. She screams and Duprez pulls her to the car saying there is nothing that can be done for him (you didn’t really try Duprez).

Poor Derek. Died saving the woman he loves….. You still don’t give a shit he’s dead.

They reach Duprez’s Yugo and get inside but they are not alone. Squirrels surround the car. A few take a shot at the vehicle piercing the metal. There is no escape. A violent and bloody death is inevitable.

Then suddenly they stop. The squirrels stand on their hind legs… something is calling them, but what?

They all begin to run away. Where are they going? Duprez wants to find out and decides that his ex wife and daughter are safer with him following every single one of the killer Unicorned Squirrels than maybe back at the police station or somewhere.

Soon Duprez realises where the squirrels are heading…. The Secret Astrological Research Centre. But why?

The action moves back to the Secret Astrological Research Centre.

You will recall that shortly after having inappropriately timed hot lesbian sex, Melissa and Sophie realise that the most certainly dead Unicorned Squirrel is in fact not dead and has gone missing.

Whilst it could be possible for them to play out the entirety of the scene naked, it is likely to be considered unnecessarily gratuitous. So have them slip on an ultra skin tight space suit that just happens to be laying around.

Despite the fact that the suit can zip all the way up both Melissa and Sophie, realising that time is of the essence to hunt for this squirrel, only zip the front up halfway thus displaying cleavage.

Some may argue that in itself is gratuitous but those same people would be moaning if Melissa or Sophie met a bloody end because they were too busy concentrating on a zip than worrying about a killer squirrel.

They notice drops of green blood and choose to follow it. For reasons that will be unclear they follow the trail by torchlight rather than turning the main lights on.

This, of course, will give us the opportunity for a tense scene as they follow the trail along a spooky dark corridor. Lots of unnecessary fake jump scares can be had.

Eventually, they reach a door. The trail of blood stops. The squirrel is inside!

Sophie remarks she’s never seen this door before. Melissa chooses not to raise questions as to how observant Sophie is. Nor how a squirrel managed to open a door. There’s no time for that. Besides, they are more curious about the purple glow that emanates from under the door.

They enter the room and see Professor Schrinkle, now in full mad scientist mode. He’s unnecessarily pressing buttons and pulling levers. To his right is the cause of the purple glow….a large portal that hovers in mid air.

There are squirrels in the room but their attention is not on Sophie or Melissa. The squirrels sit poised in a semi-circle staring at the portal. What are they looking at? What are they waiting for?

Before we can answer that we must first deal with Professor Schrinkle who, as he is now full mad scientist, must embark on a really pointless monologue.

To be honest what he will say will make no sense but I’m guessing that by this point of the movie no one will really care. If need be just keep cutting back to Sophie and Melissa with their cleavage showing to sustain interest.

Anyway here is the monologue:-

Schrinkle: They didn’t believe me Sophie. They blamed me. For everything. But I knew there was something out there.

I didn’t want your father to die Sophie. It wasn’t my fault. But they blamed me.

I loved your Mother, Sophie. If they hadn’t blamed me maybe she could have loved me too.

I watched you grow up without a father into the beautiful , attractive woman you are. So intelligent and with all the curves in the right places. At the same time your Mother got old and wrinkly and I realised I love you.

But how could you love me? After what they said I had done!

Well I’m going to show them. Show them all. It’s coming. It cannot be stopped.

Sophie and Melissa look into the portal and there moving closer is a giant Unicorned Squirrel. Demonic eyes, teeth large. It must be the size of a skyscraper. It is the Overlord.

Sophie: You’re mad. That thing will kill us all

Schrinkle: I can keep you safe . Come with me….and you can bring your friend next to you if you want.

Sophie: You’re insane. I could never be with a monster like you

Schrinkle pulls out a gun and says “If you won’t be with me then you must die”.

Just as Schrinkle goes to pull the trigger someone hits him from behind, knocking him out. But who is their saviour?

Hey…It’s the crazy homeless guy (they really need to up their security in this facility).

He looks at Sophie. She looks at him

“Dad?” She says with tears in their eyes and they embrace. Emotional stuff.

Now of course we are going to have to deal with a few obvious plot holes here which thankfully can be done by way of another monologue.

Former crazy homeless guy : Oh Sophie I remember it now. That portal must have kickstarted my memory.

I remember going to Mars….seeing those things and knowing I had to warn everyone.

Something must have happened. I don’t know what but I returned to Earth with only fragments of my mind. I thought I was going crazy.

But I’ve found you now. I’m here. I will keep you safe.

It’s at this point a squirrel, who are well known not to care for emotional reunions , launches itself at Sophie’s Dad.

It burrows it’s horn up through his anus and out of his stomach.

Sophie is understandably rather upset by this. Having just been reunited with her long lost father she is a little pissed she has just had to watch him die from a Unicorned Squirrel climbing up his rectum.

She takes out all her frustration on this turn of events by stamping the fuck out of the squirrel. She then crumbles to the floor in a sobbing mess.

Melissa is equally confused with what is happening. Totally unprepared on how you comfort someone who has just witnessed their father die by squirrel, she also is unsure if now would be a good time to enquire if they will be having sex again later.

Instead, Melissa turns to the more pressing problem of the extremely large squirrel about to come through the portal.

“Sophie. Help. We’ve got to shut this portal off” She cries.

Will they do it? Or will the world crumble under the ferocious might of the Overlord Unicorned Squirrel?

Where is Duprez? And what of the hordes of squirrels making their way towards the centre?

How will it end? Does anyone actually still care?

The enormous Overlord Unicorned Squirrel is making its way to earth. If he or she – let’s not go assuming a murderous horned squirrel’s gender now – arrives it will be armageddon.

Can Melissa and Sophie turn off the portal to prevent this monster from entering the earth’s atmosphere?

Well they try.

Recovering surprisingly quickly from witnessing the brutal death of her father she had literally just been reunited with after many long years, Sophie springs into action to turn off the portal.

Now I’m guessing that no actual scientists will watch this movie so we can have Sophie say all manner of crazy shit that actually makes no sense.

Here’s the dialogue:-

Melissa: What are we going to do?

Sophie: If I can reverse the polarity and reduce the quantum flux then perhaps the gravitational constant will cause the portal to fall in on itself. But I’ll need you to control the heliocentric ionosphere.

Melissa: Great let’s do that

See putting together science type words randomly in a sentence works. Unless someone sits down and actually studies the dialogue we ought to get away with it.

Melissa and Sophie begin to shut down the portal, but wait, Schrinkle is awake! What maniacal thing is he about to do?

He crawls slowly to the machine and reaching out his mechanical hand he….. switches the machine off. Oh, the devilish Professor Schrinkle.

Melissa and Sophie look perplexed and then suddenly Schrinkle’s skeletal hand grabs at Sophie’s leg.

We cut away from this tense scene to see what Duprez is up to. He’s merrily chasing the horde of squirrels in his Yugo.

They reach a cornfield and the trail goes cold. Where have the squirrels gone? Duprez stops the car and turns off the engine. The headlights dimly illuminating the cornfield.

Then the squirrels emerge from the corn, circling the Yugo, ready to rip the occupants to shreds. Despite the car working perfectly all week and only recently having a full service the car will not start. They are trapped! They are at the mercy of the squirrels.

Duprez checks his gun, just one clip of ammo left and hundreds of squirrels. He’s still going to give it a go because Duprez don’t give a shit.

The squirrels get ready to pounce but then….. the army arrive!

Thankfully there is a fully operational army base just the other side of the cornfield and they come with tanks and machine guns and blast the squirrel bastards.

Yep, this town also has its own army. It really is a wonderful place to live.

We keep cutting back and forth between scenes of the army slaughtering the squirrels and Schrinkle and Sophie fighting.

She’s kicking at him and he’s just taking the opportunity to grope at her ass and tits. Meanwhile, Melissa works out that Schrinkle turned the machine off and sets about switching it back on.

However, there are squirrels blocking the switch. Back and forth the action goes of soldiers v squirrels, Sophie v Schrinkle and Melissa booting some squirrels out the way so she can get to the switch.

How long these scenes go on for is largely dependent on how much more runtime we have left to fill.

It concludes with the army vanquishing the squirrels, Sophie smashing Schrinkle’s face in with her stilettos (the ultra skin tight space suit has stilettos) and Melissa turning the switch back on.

But as the machine powers back up Schrinkle, a bloody mess, laughs and says “You’re too late. It’s entered the earth’s atmosphere. You’ve lost”.

Now we’ve covered a lot of deep and meaningful themes in this movie. Possibly, we could bring some political intrigue into this movie.

We move to the White House where the President of the United States of America has just been informed of the pending invasion of the Overlord Unicorned Squirrel.

President: We must nuke the bastard

Random staff member: Sir, we don’t have any nuclear weapons.

President: What?

RSM: Well they are quite dangerous and expensive to have around so we actually haven’t had any for years and we just say that we have. No one has ever really questioned us actually owning any.

President: So we don’t have nukes?

RSM: No, Sir

President (on telephone): Get me Britain…… Hey Prime Minister you heard about this gigantic monster

Prime Minister: Oh yes. Such a brute. We have had an emergency meeting where it was agreed that Beatrix Potter had lied to us.

President: You going to nuke it?

Prime Minister: Oh heavens no. Such frightful things those nuclear weapons. No, we have never had any.

President: What the hell do you keep in those subs then?

Prime Minister: Oh just old souvenirs from previous Royal Weddings. But we have a plan.

President: Which is?

Prime Minister: We shall wait for it to arrive and tell it to jolly well bugger off. If that does not work we intend to throw rocks at it.

President (to random staff member): What about anyone else? The EU?

RSM: They need all member states to agree on a motion that they will have a look around the place to see if they could find nuclear weapons. A meeting is scheduled for next Wednesday… although France said they might not be able to make it.

President: North Korea?

RSM: They said ‘nah we’ve just been shitting with you, mate’

President: Russia?

RSM: They pretended to be an answerphone message but we could hear them giggling.

President: So there’s no one?

RSM: I’m afraid not sir

President: Then God help us all

Dramatic stuff.

We watch as the monstrous, evil Overlord Unicorned Squirrel hurtles towards earth.

Close ups of helpless faces of our main characters, scenes of people watching this terrible event unfold on televisions all across the world.

This is it. The end. The earth will perish at the hands of a rather large squirrel.

All hope is lost. No one can save us.

But then…….

WHAMMMM!!! Out of nowhere a red Tesla Roadster slams into the Overlord Squirrel moving him away from the earth.

Good job someone decided to stick one of them up in space.

The movie concludes with joyous scenes as the world celebrates it will not become a large squirrel’s bitch.

Duprez hugs his ex wife and daughter. Yes, near armageddon is enough to make her forget he is a total dick.

Finally, Melissa and Sophie kiss passionately and in that moment Sophie forgets that the skewered corpse of her father lay only inches away from her. Epic music and the sound of a mechanical arm going up and down plays over their passionate kissing.

Roll end credits.

Of course we need an end credits scene so picture this….

Deep space. Silent. We hear the echoing sounds of Space Oddity and slowly into view comes the Roadster with the Overlord Squirrel wrapped round the bumper. It looks dead. Then, suddenly it opens its eyes.

And then back to a list of people who unashamedly made this movie

At the end the obligatory ‘No squirrels were harmed in the making of this movie (even though they are bastards)’.

Followed up with Unicorned Squirrels will return in ‘Hiberannihilation’

Right?

No?

Okay then.

Sad that it’s over? Well there are a few more Squirrel posts for you to enjoy!

Cool Character Concepts drawn by the talented Robert Ahmad.

Or perhaps you are wondering what happened to Doll? All is revealed in this Deleted Scene

Maybe you want to see the Trailer

Unicorned Squirrels 2 : It’s a Sequel what is also a Prequel – Introduction

A few months back I presented to you the movie pitch to The Overlord Unicorned Squirrels. No-one really asked for it but I did it anyway.

Equally there weren’t many demanding a sequel but guess what?!

Oh if you’ve stumbled on this page and want to know what is going on you can read the original movie pitch here.

Rather than this being an immediate follow on from the first movie US2 (all cool movies are abbreviated nowadays) will be a prequel.

There are a couple of reasons for this. Firstly I doubt any of the original actors would want to come back for the sequel.

Secondly, prequels are cool. It’s a way of sorting out all those awkward plot holes and pretend this was all part of your master plan. I mean Disney spent millions just to explain why there was a tiny hole in the Death Star that caused the entire thing to explode.

We’ll be doing nothing as elaborate but instead we will look at the origin of the Unicorned Squirrels.

Now eagle eyed readers and those who generally pay attention would have noticed that the original title to the first movie was The Overlord Unicorned Squirrels From Mars.

They are from Mars. We know that. There is no need for you to do this.

Well, what if I told you that they weren’t originally from Mars.

Whaaattt??!! That’s absolute bullshit

It may very well be but hear me out. The other day I was reading a three volume account of World War II by an eminent historian….okay I was watching a war movie…Alright, alright I was playing Call Of Duty.

Whilst randomly shooting some Zombie Nazis in the head shouting ‘Die you Zombie Bastard’ it struck me that an undead Nazi army is a recurring trope in a lot of video games and movies. There are also those random documentaries about Hitler and his obsession with the occult.

A lot of the time there is never really any evidence presented in these documentaries but just some random bearded dudes who desperately want Raiders Of The Lost Ark to be true.

If it’s not the occult then Hitler was always trying to build some superweapon to annihilate the Allies.

So what if………..

Unicorned Squirrels 2 will open with a shot of a scary castle. There are swastika flags flying and soldiers marching. In case the viewer needs any further clue that we are in Germany during the war it will say ‘Germany – Sometime during World War II’.

In the dark depths of the castle we are introduced to a man who looks the sort to perform evil experiments. He’s tall, bald with cheek bones that have caved in. He has an eye patch and scar and speaks in a sinister German accent.

A German soldier addresses him in subtitles.

Soldier: Herr Schrinklestein

(yep he’s the grandfather of Professor Schrinkle from the first movie -see Prequels make sense)

Schrinklestein: What is it?

Soldier: Is it done?

Schrinklestein: Tell our glorious leader that we are ready

Then he laughs maniacally just in case it hasn’t been made clear that he’s an evil bastard.

Whilst laughing he turns to a stack of crates. What could be inside you are wondering? Right?

We watch as the crates are loaded into a bomber plane and we cut to the German war room where helpfully what is happening is explained (in subtitles to give it some gravitas).

Random Soldier: The plane is en route to Britain

Random General: Good. Good. Soon Britain will be annihilated.

They all laugh – that bit doesn’t have to be in subtitles.

So with the plane on its way we cut to ‘A field in England’. There we witness a damaged spitfire coming into land. Ground crew and a nurse rush towards it; smoke billows from the engine.

Through the cloud a man emerges from the cockpit. He is dressed in a brown leather bomber jacket and flight helmet. His left arm is severely injured, virtually hanging off with jets of blood pumping out.

Captain Smith : I say chaps things got a little rough up there

Ground Crew Member Tommy : Sir are you okay?

Captain Smith (looking at his arm still spurting blood) : What this? Just a scratch. Nothing that a sip of whiskey can’t sort.

As they chat a siren sounds and further ground crew rush out.

Crew Member: German bomber on its way

Captain Smith: Not on my watch.

Crew Member: But Sir, your arm?

Captain Smith: Oh that’s nothing a sweet smile from Nurse Jenkins cannot solve.

Nurse Jenkins: I’m a qualified nurse and you need stitches and antibiotics

Captain Smith: Quite. But just don’t forget that smile

Captain Smith moves towards the plane and puts his hand on the ladder to climb into the cockpit, his arm falls off.

He picks it up and throws it to Nurse Jenkins;

Captain Smith: Look after this for me. I’ll need it when I get back

Nurse Jenkins: Sir, if we don’t reattach that arm now you’ll likely bleed to death.

Captain Smith: Nonsense the thought of your pretty face is enough to keep my heart pumping.

Ground Crew Member Tommy: But Sir you only have one arm. How are you going to fly a plane?

Captain Smith: Mmmm You’re right. With me Tommy

Tommy: But I can’t fly a plane, Sir.

Captain Smith (laughing): I can fly the plane Tommy I need you to hold my pipe.

They get into the plane and fly off towards the German bomber which is nearing the shores of England.

We witness an epic air battle as Captain Smith’s spitfire attempts to bring down the giant German bomber.

Now, as you know, Unicorned Squirrels is well known for its action but also it is synonymous with high emotional content. This is particularly emphasised in the following scene.

Whilst a battle rages in the air we pan into the cockpit for this exchange between Captain Smith and Tommy.

Captain Smith: I must say Tommy your pipe holding skills are second to none.

Tommy: Thank you sir

Captain Smith: So tell me Tommy do you have a pretty little lady waiting for you on the ground?

Tommy: I do sir

Captain Smith: Is she pretty like Nurse Jenkins

Tommy: I’d say prettier sir

Captain Smith: Really? Interesting.

Tommy: We are due to get married this afternoon sir. Her Mother is not very well and only has days to live you see and it is her final wish to see her daughter married.

Captain Smith: And do you love her Tommy.

Tommy: I do sir, with all my heart. And she loves me. In fact this morning you know what she said to me. She said ‘ I love you so much I do not think I could live without you’.

Captain Smith: That is lovely

Tommy: It is sir. A really nice thing to hear while you’re waiting for your toast to be ready. She said ‘I dunno how I would cope with running the orphanage for sick kids, that and the sanctuary for domestic pets with personality disorders.’ She told me if I wasn’t there to support her she would just end it all.

Captain Smith: Well let’s finish this and get you to the church on time

Moments later a barrage of bullets hit the cockpit killing poor Tommy

Control: Captain is everything okay?

Captain Smith: I’ve dropped my pipe…..and poor Tommy has bought it.

Control: Come back to base your aircraft is damaged.

Captain Smith: And allow this bomber through. Never. Besides I have a bride to console.

He manoeuvres the plane towards the German bomber and gets ready to fire.

Captain Smith: This is for you Tommy and your sweet , emotionally vulnerable bride.

But there is a problem. The guns are jammed.

Control: Pull up Captain

He doesn’t. Instead he increases his speed setting him on a collision course with the bomber.

Control: Pull up Captain

Captain Smith: They are not getting through. Tell Nurse Jenkins to keep smiling.

We witness the plane crash into the bomber sending it hurtling towards the water.

Back at base it is a bittersweet moment. The threat of the bomber has gone but so has Captain Smith. We witness the ground crew mournfully walking across the field, Nurse Jenkins sorrowfully clutching Captain Smith’s detached arm.

Then suddenly….

Random Ground Crew: What’s that?

They all look up in the sky and see something floating towards them.

It’s Captain Smith! He managed to eject from the plane just before it hit the bomber.

His parachute is damaged causing him to hurtle towards the ground at speed. He lands heavily, the sound of both legs breaking is audible as he hits the floor.

Everyone rushes towards the Captain, his legs are weirdly contorted, broken bones are visible.

Nurse Jenkins: This man needs to be taken to hospital immediately.

Captain Smith: Nonsense. Just a smile from yourself and my head resting on your heaving bosom is all I need.

Nurse Jenkins : You really don’t know how medicine works do you?

Men rush forward carrying a stretcher.

Captain Smith: No need for that I can walk.

He goes to stand and immediately falls down again. Reluctantly he allows himself to be placed on the stretcher. As he is carried towards the ambulance he says ‘Do you think we can make a quick pit stop at the Church?’

The scene cuts to the Channel (which for sea enthusiasts is the bit of water between England and France).

The camera moves underwater where we see the mangled wreck of the bomber. Bodies float nearby.

As the camera pans closer to the scorch shell suddenly a unicorn horn shoots through the metal.

Roll Opening Titles

THE UNICORNED SQUIRRELS 2: HIBERANNIHILATION

Fates Avow: The Arbiter: Part Four

At school Connie was smart and athletic. Both these attributes served her well during her teenage years and they were required once more in the alleyway.

She was smart enough to realise the two dark figures meant her harm; although, to be fair, the large knife brandished by one would have been a strong indication to even the less intelligent that a friendly welcome was not on offer here.

Connie’s athleticism allowed her to stop and change direction in almost a heartbeat. Those hours spent on the sports field responding to the sound of a whistle paying off. This time the prize was not some athletic pride in her fitness but her life.

She could hear her old coach barking orders in her ear as she sprinted down the alley towards the safety of the crowded street.

Connie was fast. She knew she could out run her would be assailants. Nevertheless she was unable to resist looking back to check. The two figures were in pursuit but they did not run instead opting to walk, patiently stalking their prey just as a tiger would do. At that pace they would never reach her. The odds were in favour of even the slowest runner to outrun someone walking.

It was however this moment of curiosity, that need to see behind her when once again she failed to notice what was in front of her.

A stone lay innocuously in her path, too small for Connie to have noticed but large enough to cause her ankle to turn as her foot landed on this nuisance mineral.

With her balance interrupted she fell to the ground, the elegance of her sprint now reduced to an unceremonious flailing as she hit the floor.

Dazed by the speed in which she went from upright to prostrate, her immediate thought was the proximity of her attackers. She looked up to see them approach, their journey still at that stalking pace. There was certainly now no need to run, Connie wasn’t going anywhere.

But she tried to go somewhere, her will to live too strong to just passively lay on the floor and await her tragic fate. Yet despite her resolve to escape her ankle had other ideas.

Any movement she made to continue her journey towards safety was met by a growl of pain that travelled up her leg and forced her back on to the floor.

Her resilience continued and through gritted teeth she crawled towards where the alley opened onto the street; close enough for her to see the people who could save her yet too far away for them to notice her.

Despite her brain crying out through the pain that escape was now a hopeless endeavour, her desire to survive pushed her further albeit slowly down the alley.

Connie turned to see her attackers, they were close now. She could see the blade more clearly, soon this object of destruction will be pushed into her ending an altogether brief life.

Tears began forming in her eyes as any hope of escape made way for the realisation of her death; and it wouldn’t be a pleasant painless death but the absolute opposite.

Her eyes closed as she waited for the inevitable moment of her doom. She need not witness anymore and mournfully submitted herself to her conclusion.

A long shadow formed over Connie, yet it was not from her attackers but from behind her. Connie’s curiosity caused her to open her eyes and standing over her was the man from the pub…Ryan.

“Come with me if you wish to avoid the threat to your life posed by these two people.” he said, holding out his hand to her.

Forgetting he was the reason she had ran in the first place Connie reached up and grabbed his hand. The actual threat in front of her outweighed any potential threat that Ryan posed.

From behind him emerged the woman, Heze. She leapt at the two attackers striking them on the chest. They stumbled back but quickly recovered to swipe at Heze with their blades.

She pulled a weapon from her belt to fend them off. It was a curious object small enough to be gripped with one hand. The handle was curved like that of an umbrella with the end pointed. At the other end it forked off with three blades, one made of gold, one made of silver and the other bronze.

Connie watched as Heze deftly swung this weapon knocking the knives from the grip of the attackers. Then in one quick stroke she dove the weapon into the stomach of one before pulling it out and slicing the throat of the other. They both fell to the ground in a bloody heap.

Heze wiped her triple pronged weapon on the back of one of the attackers before putting it back in her belt.

She lingered over one of the bodies and rolled up his shirt sleeve. Connie could not see exactly what it was but it looked like a tattoo. Whatever it was it caused Heze to flash a look over at Ryan; was it a look of fear? hate? It was very difficult for Connie to tell.

The adrenaline from her near fatal encounter was still running and perhaps in a different scenario she would have been horrified she had just witnessed the violent death of two people.

But they had tried to kill her, they deserved what happened to them. Any concern she should have about how deadly Heze had been was overtaken by a feeling of relief and gratitude. Heze had saved her and with that came an automatic element of trust.

Therefore without protest she limped back to the pub flanked by both Ryan and Heze.

Once inside she sat on one of the worn wooden chairs and rested her injured foot on another. Heze brought her a glass of that potent alcohol.

Heze seemed different from before, her previous warm and friendly attitude had made way for a more icier demeanour. Connie was unsure if any of this clear hostility was directed at her or at Ryan.

“As I was saying Connie” said Ryan “You’re not safe and so best you stay here.”

His voice appeared stronger than before and he was less confused. Connie didn’t respond, the pain in her ankle was matched only by the throbbing in her head. Instead she smiled and nodded her appreciation.

Certainly she had questions and suspected that Ryan had the answers but that could wait. For now she was content to sit in silence and relax. Silence. Connie noted that the music was not playing anymore.

“Ryan. Can I talk to you for a moment” asked Heze.

Connie watched as Heze walked to one of the doors at the back of the pub and went inside, Ryan followed immediately thereafter.

Behind the door was not the toilets as Connie had first assumed but a hallway. Almost immediately as you entered was a wooden staircase that led to the first floor.

Heze waited by these steps as Ryan entered and spoke “Well done Heze that was good wo….”

Heze punched Ryan hard across the face “We’ve intervened. Haven’t we?” she said angrily.

Ryan said nothing, instead rubbed the side of his face, Heze had quite the right hook on her.

She removed her weapon from her belt and begun to furiously stab at the bottom step.

“We’ve fucking intervened” she shouted “You know who they were? You saw their mark!”

Ryan passively held his hands out “Heze” he said, ensuring that he was a safe enough distance to dodge Heze’s weapon if she chose to throw it.

She flashed him a stern look “Don’t Heze me!” She said twisting her weapon further into the wooden step “We’ve intervened! And you promised we would never do that…again.” Her voice trailed off as she completed that sentence.

Ryan stared at Heze thinking of the right words he could say to her. Even if he had those perfect words to hand, Heze was certainly not in the mood to let him speak.

She stood up to face him “Why Ryan? Why have we intervened?”

“I don’t know” he replied instinctively flinching in case another Heze punch was about to arrive.

“You don’t know?” Heze said, twisting the weapon between her thumb and forefinger “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means I don’t know!” replied Ryan raising his voice before taking a breath and speaking more calmly “Look Heze I’m not sure what is going on. I just know we had to do it.”

“Why? Why now? Why her?”

Ryan thought for a moment then replied “Again I don’t know……It was the music and…”

“The music?!” Heze interrupted “What about the music?”

Ryan put his hands on Heze’s shoulders “I don’t know. I’ll find out Heze. I will sort this. Trust me.”

He flashed a smile at Heze which was met with a strained one from her.

“Now” he continued “Let’s go back in and talk to her. Maybe we can get some answers.”

He turned and opened the door to the main area of the pub.

Connie was gone.

Fates Avow: The Arbiter : Part Three

< Part Two

Any hope that the tired and worn out exterior of the pub would not be replicated inside faded as Connie entered.

Although spacious there was a perpetual gloominess about the place. A few lights hung casually from the ceiling, the cracked glass coverings revealed dull yellowing bulbs. Black specks marked the final resting place of curious insects.

The murkiness of the bulb betrayed its main purpose and all that it could muster was to illuminate a constant stream of dust that seemed on an infinite loop round the mouldy yellow light.

To the right were a row of cubicles, three wooden benches adorned in tatty red leather enveloped tired looking tables. The gloom would not allow Connie to see as far as the furthest benches.

Further down the room a number of tables were haphazardly laid out and the chairs that surrounded them were not arranged in any particular order.

Towards the back were two doors side by side, Connie presumed these led to the toilets but there were no signs indicating which one was intended for Gentleman and which for Ladies. Connie doubted, given the decor, that this particular Pub was trailblazing with Gender Neutral facilities.

In the furthest corner was a pool table. The green velvet covering was scratched and it was unlikely a competitive game could be had with just three balls and one cue.

Connie followed the dark green carpet which in places was so worn away she could see the floorboards beneath. Stains sporadically embellished the carpet, some appeared of dubious nature but no doubt the origin of each stain was, in itself, an interesting tale.

There was a musky smell that immediately had filled Connie’s nostrils as she entered. It was as if she could smell every pint of beer ever supped in this establishment. The aroma was so heavy she had to swallow it down to allow herself to breathe normally.

To her left was the bar and there framed by the optics and beer taps stood the woman. She was illuminated by a neon branded sign advertising a beer that Connie was sure did not exist anymore.

The woman smiled and Connie made her way over to the bar and sat down on one of only two tall bar stools at the front of the expansive wooden bar.

The oak panel was deeply scored and down the entire length were dark rings from the many drinks that would have been placed upon the bar by careless customers and staff alike. They occurred all the way down the bar leading to what appeared to be a wooden box.

Connie squinted in the gloominess to see what that box was because it looked out of place. She was shaken by her surveillance of her surroundings by the woman slamming a glass onto the bar.

“So you’ve had a bad day?” asked the woman, pouring some amber liquid into the glass.

“Terrible” replied Connie

“Well this will make you feel better” said the woman sliding the half filled glass over to Connie.

Connie picked up the drink and took a tentative swig. There was a surprising potency to the liquid and she coughed a frisky ‘Wow!’

“It’s good stuff!” laughed the woman “I’m Heze by the way” (she pronounced it Haze).

“Connie” replied Connie still choking slightly on her drink.

Heze leaned on the bar and rested her chin on her hand “Well Connie tell me about this bad day you are having”

As Connie begun to tell Heze of all the annoyances she had to endure something peculiar happened.

A low hissing sound began to fill the room, then,faintly at first, the soft hum of music. This melodic interruption caused Connie to stop talking and seek out the source of the tune. She presumed that it was from a jukebox but a quick scan of the gloomy interior did not reveal one.

Listening intently she followed the tinny notes to the box at the end of the bar, the box that appeared so out of place when Connie had first seen it.

The music became louder and it was a familiar song to Connie, one that her parents used to listen to. She believed it was by The Beatles although she couldn’t remember the precise name of the song, John Lennon was singing about a Guru called Dave or something.

Heze who had been resting against the bar stood up straight and glanced towards the box then out at the cubicles opposite the bar.

From the gloomy shadows a man emerged and he walked slowly towards the musical cube as if he were in a trance. The presence of someone else being here had initially surprised Connie.

Both her and Heze watched as he took the box between his hands and started to examine it, lifting it up to study all four sides. He glanced up from the box and looked at Heze before his head snapped round to intently stare at Connie.

“Who are you?” he asked.

“Connie” she replied nervously, the intensity to which he studied her made her feel uncomfortable.

“Connie? Do I know you?” he returned his attention to the box, looking it over once more before returning to Connie “Who are you?”

This man seemed confused and Connie presumed he was a regular in the pub that had just woken up after sleeping off a particular heavy night.

Connie was unsure how to respond to this individual. Indeed her only thought was how best to leave the pub. Her day was bad enough as it was and she could do without an altercation with some random drunk guy.

She watched nervously as his attention returned to the box. With the song still playing he wandered back to the cubicle, his apparent interest in Connie over. She followed him until he was consumed by the gloom, the only indication of his presence was the tinny tune that still played.

Connie spun back round to look at Heze who gave a forced smile “That’s the boss” she said with an embarrassed shrug.

Connie thought it was best she left and took one final swig of her drink and coughed her goodbyes.

“How much do I owe you?” she enquired.

Heze threw up her hands “On the house” she replied.

Connie expressed her gratitude once more and then walked towards the large wooden door.

“You can’t leave”

Connie spun round to witness the man emerge once more from the darkness, still cradling the musical box.

“I’m sorry?” replied Connie, trying to hide the anxiety that was building up inside her.

“You can’t leave. It’s not safe ” said the man.

Connie’s heart begun to pound as the realisation that her exit from this pub may not be an easy one. She shot a look over at Heze who was trying to get her bosses attention “Ryan. Ryan” she kept repeating.

“What do you mean it’s not safe?” asked Connie taking a step backwards further near the door.

“It’s not safe. You leave here. Bad things will happen.” continued Ryan.

Connie reached behind her, blindly grabbing at the handle. She stepped further back as Ryan approached.

“What bad things?” she asked , hoping that engaging him in conversation may distract him enough so she can make her exit.

“Terrible things. Horrid things. You are only safe here. You cannot leave” he said, there was a confused mania in the pattern of his voice which did little to calm the rising panic that Connie was feeling.

Her heart was racing and she inwardly gave a small sigh of relief when her she finally found the handle to the door. Although the music was still playing the sweetest sound Connie heard was of the door unlocking as she twisted the handle.

With her back still to the door she tugged at the handle and a comforting ray of light from the low afternoon sun shone through.

Her eyes were fixed on Ryan as she stepped back. She could feel the warmth of the sun on her leg. The unexpected breeze challenged the musky smell for dominance in the air. The dust that had dutifully followed its same infinite path now swirled around on a new chaotic route.

Ryan walked towards her still clutching the box muttering all manner of warnings about impending danger as Heze continued to try and attract his attention. All the while the song continued to provide the soundtrack to this weird encounter that left Connie feeling confused, frightened and clear she had to leave.

She spun round and completed her escape from the building, slamming the door behind her. The street was rather busy but rather seek comfort in a crowd her instincts told her to run. She turned and sprinted up the alleyway that ran alongside the pub.

She could hear the blood pumping in her ears as she sprinted along the alley. She looked back to see if either Ryan or Heze were pursuing her.

Such was her concentration of what might be behind her that she neglected to pay much attention to what was in front of her.

Had she done so she would have noticed two figures standing there. Although it would have been difficult to make out their features in the dullness of the alley she would at the very least had seen the glint of the knife that one held in their hand.

Different path. Same Conclusion.

Fates Avow: The Arbiter: Part Twos

< Part One

Connie was having a bad day….But you know that already. You know her story of how she woke up late, rushed to get ready, had someone steal her money, accidentally burnt down her flat, got fired from her job, found out her boyfriend was cheating and then to cap it all off got murdered.

In every story there are moments where things could take an alternative route; that each different choice would open up more and more possibilities which in turn lead to even more eventualities.

Yet, inevitably, even if we chose to take a different path, no matter how unique the journey may be it always leads to the same place.

Maybe Connie chose to go home when she missed the train but that would have seen her trapped in her flat when it caught fire.

Or perhaps she did have enough money to get a taxi only to then be involved in a road traffic collision.

Different path, same conclusion. Connie died that day.

However in every story there is always that moment when the different path taken can change the entire narrative.

For Connie that moment was standing outside the dilapidated building that once used to be a Pub.

In its more glorious years this building would have been alive with the sounds of communal revelry. The tired facade now betrayed the once vibrant colours that lured many into its comfy interior.

Connie never went inside on the day she died; she thought it was closed, abandoned. Her curiosity of the building was not sufficient enough to see her try to enter. There was nothing inviting about this strange place.

However there had been something but in her rage and torment she had simply not seen it.

Haphazardly resting against the side of the building was a wooden board, it was the typical one you see outside pubs and restaurants that proudly exclaim ‘Come On In We’re Open’, followed by a list of drinks and written in chalk Today’s Specials (There were none listed).

In the moments before Connie arrived outside the building, the earlier inclement weather had knocked the board over so it rested hidden against the wall.

If Connie had been earlier she may have seen it before it fell and taken the sign up on its welcoming offer to ‘Come On In’. But she didn’t and she died.

Maybe even the presence of the sign would not have enticed her to go in. It was after all as worn out and broken as the building. Plus they didn’t have any Specials on that day.

She may have studied the sign but the revelation of her boyfriend’s infidelity was always going to send her into that rage which would conclude with her death.

Different Path. Same Conclusion.

But what if, rather than arriving earlier, she arrived a little later?

****

“Connie! Wait”

Connie turned to see Ann bounding after her. Connie desperately wanted to just leave and get home. She could not bear anymore humiliation and was fighting so hard to keep even a modicum of dignity.

When Clive had rather abruptly informed her that she was being fired she could feel the tears begin to bubble up, ready to erupt. With it would come the rage and Clive would never know how close he came to having his face smashed in with a stapler.

“I’m fine Ann. Go back to your desk” pleaded Connie as she tried to hide the fact she was very much not fine.

Despite her portly frame Ann surprised Connie with how quickly she was able to catch up.

“Are you sure?” Ann said, placing her thick hand on Connie’s shoulder.

There was a look of genuine sympathy in the eyes of Ann. This was surprising given her propensity to leave passive aggressive post-its warding off anyone who was tempted to swipe her tuna sandwiches.

Connie just wanted to leave the building, go home and cry her heart out. But she no longer had a home she to privately express her anguish in.

That thought was enough to set her off and she wept. Burying her head deep into Ann’s shoulder, all her frustrations as to why life would choose to be so cruel to her leaked onto Ann’s crocheted cardigan.

Each sorrowful recollection of the morning events were punctuated with a sympathetic ‘There. There’ from Ann.

During this outpouring Connie’s phone vibrated, indicating a message. Her hand moved down to retrieve it but was stopped by Ann.

“Leave it. It can wait” she said “You just let it all out.”

And that she did and when Connie had no more tears to spill she sniffled her gratitude for the kindness Ann had shown.

“Do you feel better?” asked Ann

“A little” Connie replied, forcing half a smile “Thank you. Best go see what is left of my flat”.

“Here” Ann said, pulling out a few bank notes and pressing it into Connie’s hand.

“I can’t Ann…This is too much” protested Connie trying to force the money back into Ann’s hand.

Ann stepped back raising her hands “Take it. You need it more than me.”

After one final hug of gratitude Connie left the building and took the same route that would lead to her eventual death.

She passed someone shouting obscenities towards a HGV which was disappearing into the distance.

“Way my luck is going today I’m surprised that weren’t me” thought Connie as she stared at the soaking wet angry pedestrian.

It was then she remembered about her text and paused her journey to retrieve her phone.

As she was about to type in her pin code something out of the corner of her eye caused her to look up from her phone and towards the crumbling old building.

The front of the pub looked as always uninviting and Connie would have returned to her phone were it not for the woman standing to the side adjusting a wooden sign.

It was initially the blue hair that caused Connie’s gaze to linger longer than she might have. The woman squatted down to write something on the board, her black sleeveless t-shirt riding up to reveal an intricate tattoo of a crescent moon on the small of her back.

The woman moved away revealing what she had written under the heading ‘Today’s Specials’.

Trouble Free

It was a curious thing to write but nevertheless for a brief moment that simple phrase caused Connie to smile.

“Gotta write something.” said the woman breaking Connie’s intense focus on the board.

“No specials?” Connie enquired.

“We haven’t done anything special here for quite sometime” the woman replied.

“Are you okay?” she asked noting the rawness in Connie’s eyes from where she had been crying.

“Just having a bad day, that’s all” replied Connie.

The woman smiled, there was a kindness to her face but Connie was in no doubt that this woman could handle herself if need be.

“Come inside for a drink then” the woman suggested “As the sign says, we are trouble free”

“I didn’t think you were open” said Connie looking up at the building with it’s flaky paint and cracked windows.

The woman followed her gaze and shrugged “This place is never closed to the troubled” she said with a smile and then opened the creaky wooden door to go inside.

Connie paused for a moment, twiddling her phone between her fingers. It had been a rough day already. Maybe just a quick drink to collect her thoughts.

If the mysterious blue haired woman was right maybe it would be a trouble free respite, even if this was unlikely to be the most comfortable place she had ever been in. What harm would one drink do? It’s not as if her day could get any worse.

Putting the phone back in her pocket she opened the door and entered the pub.

That simple act meant she would not die that day; her story would continue. Yet it was now a different story and one that still may not necessarily end well for Connie….Or for anyone for that matter.

Part Three >

Fates Avow: The Arbiter : Part One

<Prologue

Connie was having a bad day. A really bad day.

Indeed by the time the day was out there would not be sufficient superlatives to describe just how staggeringly bad this day would be.

It had started with her waking up already late for work. The commencement of this truly bad day would begin with her phone blatantly lying to her about how long 63% of battery would last. At some point as she slept her phone decided to switch off and not undertake its task of waking her up with an irritating beeping sound incorrectly described as ‘morning sunrise’.

Connie had contemplated charging her phone overnight but on seeing a news report about exploding batteries she had thought it was best not to. Her phone irritated her at the best of times and it would be the height of irritation if it actually caused her to die.

The irony of this thought process is that by the end of this horribly bad day she would, in fact, be dead.

Perhaps if her phone had killed her she would not have to endure all the other bad stuff that would occur before her ultimate demise.

Blissfully ignorant that this would be her last day on earth Connie cursed as she rushed out of bed and into the shower, promptly skipping back naked and wet to put her lying unreliable phone on charge.

She quickly got dressed and hurriedly straightened her hair before rushing out of her cramped flat.

Clip clopping her way to the train station Connie took a bite of a breakfast bar she had grabbed from the cupboard on her way out.

She had hoped that the nutritional information printed on the side of the wrapper was correct and this would provide her with sufficient sustenance. The groan from her belly after she devoured the bar told her otherwise. Eating what was effectively crumbs glued together was hardly a hearty breakfast.

Connie arrived at the train station to witness the train already in the process of departing. She had a futile burst of speed in some strange hope that she would be able to catch up with the train and leap on; alternatively she may have expected that the train driver might spot her and happily stop the train. She hadn’t even reached the gates to the platform before she realised that neither of those things would happen.

Connie cursed again. There wouldn’t be another train for at least an hour. She was going to be very late for work.

Yet in the final moments of her life she’d probably look back and think oversleeping and missing a train was rather pleasant in comparison to being dead. Indeed, such was the suddenness of her demise she would have no time to curse at the unfairness of being killed…..and that is really something that is curse worthy.

Connie’s only chance of getting to work at a time vaguely respectable would be to get a taxi. She saw a row of taxis and smiled that perhaps her fortune maybe changing.

She went to a cashpoint to draw some money out but any hope that good luck was now firmly on her side faded when the screen announced she had no money and then promptly ate her card.

Connie cursed once more. It was payday, the only day of the month she could be confident that there would be money in her account.

Pulling out her phone she tapped on her banking app to enquire about her lack of funds. Her phone chose not to break the news to her gently but instead made the pixelated pronouncement that she had been paid but someone had nefariously then took all her money.

Connie cursed even more, she had no money and had no idea how she would pay for things such as rent or food. Had she known she would be dead by the end of the day this probably would have saved her some unnecessary heartache over these issues.

After several more moments of cursing Connie decided she would simply go home, call the bank then just go back to bed and wake up tomorrow when everything would be better.

She turned to walk back towards her apartment when her phone alerted her to a text message, it was from Ann, a colleague from work.

Where are you? Boss really wants to see you Now!!!!!!

Maybe it was the liberal use of exclamation marks but Connie, cursing again, decided she’d better try and get into work. She rifled though her jacket pocket and found some loose change, it would be enough to get the bus.

Connie found herself on her way to work in a cramped bus sat next to a guy who appeared to have chronic bronchitis. The onset of his spluttering coincided with the bus hitting any divot or pothole, of which there were many.

Through the rare breaks in his coughing Connie listened to the various automated security questions she had to pass to be able to speak to someone at her bank. The irony that she had to provide answers to the most ridiculous questions whilst someone had quite easily just wiped out her bank account was not lost on her.

The bus did not go directly to her work place and Connie alighted to begin the walk. As soon as she stepped off the bus, dark clouds appeared in the sky and it began to rain heavily down upon her. She looked at her phone which proudly displayed a big sun.

“Lying. Bastard. Phone!” she muttered.

Her walk to work by the standards already set was relatively uneventful save that as she walked by every puddle a car would splash her.

Connie finally arrived at work, tired, drenched and annoyed. She just wished this day to be over and of course it would be soon albeit with a permanence that perhaps she hadn’t wished for.

As she walked through the vast lobby of the building where she worked she cursed again on seeing that the lift was out of order. After ascending 16 flights of stairs she eventually reached her desk.

“Bad day?” Ann enquired looking at a drenched and exhausted Connie with a mixture of concern and bemusement.

“Horrible ” Connie replied “I don’t think this day can get any worse.”

No sooner had those words left her lips but her phone bleeped, it was a message from Darren, her neighbour and head of the Resident’s Association for her block of flats.

Hey Connie. Look I don’t know how to tell you this but your flat has just burnt down.

Connie stared at her phone in disbelief. She read the message a number of times before she believed what she was being told, even then her primary thought was whether it was appropriate for Darren to sign off with a sad face emoji.

Connie slumped into her chair and raised her hands to her face. She cursed loudly at the culprit of the fire

Fucking hair straighteners!

In her rush to get work she had forgot to turn them off. Her desire to look presentable had now, in effect, left her homeless.

No money. No home.

“Everything okay?” enquired Ann

“My home has just burnt down” replied Connie, tears beginning to form in her eyes.

“Oh dear! You could do without something like that happening”

Connie decided she would have to go home to see whatever was left of the charred remains of her home; she’d also have to make arrangements to find somewhere to stay. Maybe she could stay at her boyfriend’s house, although she remembered he was away on a conference for the next few days.

She had been dating Luke for over a year and things had become quite serious. Secretly she had been hoping he would ask her to move in. Perhaps her burning down the flat would force the issue. Every cloud and all that.

She wished Luke was with her now. To hold her in his large arms, kiss her on the top of the head and tell her everything will be okay.

“I gotta go” Connie announced to Ann

She got up to leave but was immediately faced with Clive, her boss.

“Ah Connie. You’re finally here. I need a word if I may” said Clive, clearly oblivious to the level of distress Connie was experiencing.

“Can it wait Clive. My flat has just burnt down” she replied

Clive thought for a moment then responded “Not really and if it has already burnt down a few minutes more won’t matter’

Connie sighed “I’ve really got to go”

“Okay” Clive said “I’ll be quick about it. We are having to downsize the department and your employment here will be terminated in a week.”

“Seriously?!” replied Connie “You tell me like that!”

“Well you did want me to be quick about it”

Connie just stared at Clive as her brain desperately tried to process yet another bombshell.

“Anyway I’m sorry your flat has burnt down ” said Clive offering a sympathetic pat on her shoulder before he turned and left.

Connie looked around at her co workers who stared back at her in open mouthed silence. Fighting back the tears she grabbed her bag and left the building.

It was only after emerging onto the street, which was now bathed in brilliant sunlight, that she realised she had no money to get home. She then realised she actually did not have a home on account of the fact it had burnt down.

No money. No home. No job.

Her brain offered no ideas on what next to do and so she just walked, her eyes brimming with tears.

Her brain that had failed in offering any solutions could only remind her of the extent of her problems.

No money. No home. No job.

She was momentarily distracted from the magnitude of her problems by her phone bleeping. She stopped to search through her pocket right next to the only remaining puddle left over from the earlier downpour.

As Connie desperately tried to locate her phone in her pocket a HGV drove past and covered her with dirty puddle water. She let out a few expletives at the driver before turning her attention back to retrieving her phone.

As she wiped the grimy water off the screen she became aware that she was in the shadow of a large building. She’d probably had walked past it countless times but never really noticed it. The facade was quite worn and the stain glass windows were dirty and cracked.

Suspended by a rusty iron chain was a sign. The wording was faded and she could not make out precisely what it said but there was a symbol that looked like a star and she could just about read the words ‘Public House’.

She contemplated for a moment going inside to get dried off but there was nothing about this place that looked inviting. Indeed, Connie didn’t even think it was open.

Having dried her phone she clicked on her messages, it was from Luke. Oh sweet Luke. He’ll know what to do.

However any comfort in seeing his name quickly turned to confusion. The message was a picture of him laying on the bed in nothing but tight underwear, below the text read;

Come and get it Tiger! Room 113. Ready when you are! Grrrr!

Why would he send this to her. He was miles away. Was he honestly expecting her to go all that way to meet him? And since when as he ever called her ‘Tiger’?!

Connie replied with a simple question mark, followed by ‘Luke?’ then ‘Luke??’ and finally ‘Luke??!!’

She stared impatiently at her screen but no response came. She tried calling him but there was no answer.

Her brain, reeling from failing to comprehend her other problems gleefully announced that it had solved what was going on here.

He’s cheating on you!

That was it. The final straw. She threw her phone to the floor and began stamping on it whilst screaming every obscenity she knew, including some she had never previously uttered.

Her phone had done nothing but conspire against her to make this the worse possible day ever.

Dictated by rage she stalked off down the street, each angry step she took a reminder of what her life had now become.

No money. No home. No job. No boyfriend.

In the midst of anger and confusion she found herself down a secluded alley. Had she not been so preoccupied with her problems she may have paid more attention to where she was.

If she hadn’t been replaying every bad thing that happened she might have noticed the two shadowy figures approach from behind her.

She may have been able to run away before they grabbed her and slammed her head against the brick wall.

Had she not smashed her phone it may have aided her in calling for help.

As it were, it was in that alleyway that Connie died.

It was reported in the press but only briefly. Connie simply became another statistic to add to all the other statistics about the rising levels of crime.

She would be mourned by her close family and friends but not really by anyone else. A few who had noted the brief report of her death would comment on social media but merely to reflect upon their own self worth.

‘OMG. So sad. RIP. I visited that place 3 years ago. That could’ve been me’

But for the billions of other people Connie’s death would go unnoticed. As her story came to an end theirs would continue unimpeded by her unfortunate demise.

Yet however tragic this tale may be there are always other stories waiting to be told. Each life carries an infinite amount of possibilities. Inevitably, these stories all conclude in the same way…..with death.

Connie’s story ended as she drew her final breath alone, bleeding in that alley. It marked the final chapter of her tale. A story that to anyone who didn’t know her would seem unremarkable.

However, the story of what happened if Connie did not die in that alley….well that is a far greater story to tell.

Part Two >

The Fates Avow : The Arbiter : Prologue

“Time for bed!”

The voice of the Mother startled the young girl who had been entranced by the stars in the clear night sky. Normally, she would have heard her Mother’s footsteps on the staircase, the fourth step creaked and that would be her cue to get into bed. She’d have precisely fifteen seconds from that ominous creak to get under the covers and feign sleep. But not tonight, she had been distracted by the beautiful dark sky.

She gazed wistfully out at the stars that shone a bright path to the candescent moon. It seemed larger than normal and it’s immense prominence in the sky had an hypnotic effect upon the girl.

“Come on monkey…Bed…Now!”

The girl reluctantly got down from her perch near the window and climbed into bed. Her gaze drifted once more to the illuminated sky and she hatched an impromptu plan for her to stare a little longer at its brilliance.

“Can you tell me a story?” She asked, ensuring she adopted her best doe-eyed look.

The Mother tired and hoping she could just return to the wine that waited for her downstairs replied “It’s getting rather late!”

Such a feeble excuse would not stop the demands of the child

“Pllleeeeeeaaaaassssseee Mummy”

“Aren’t you a little old to have Mummy read you a story?” said the Mother, the futility of the question evident in the tone of her voice.

The child shook her head with youthful enthusiasm. Sighing the Mother reluctantly stood up and went to a small wooden bookcase adorned with bright stickers and graffitied in crayon.

“No Mummy! I want you to tell me a story. Like you used to do” said the child.

The Mother sighed again, her hopes that she could get away with reading a few pages of ‘Daring Duck Goes On Holiday’ had faded.

“What would you like me to tell you a story about?”

“The Stars!!” replied the child enthusiastically.

The Mother smiled “Very well then let me tell you a story that my Father….Your Grandfather used to tell me about the stars. Lay down.”

The child happily obliged, pulling the covers up to her chin and rolling over so she could stare out of the window at the dazzling sky whilst her Mother told her a story about the stars.

A long time ago before there was even anything you know exists, there was nothing but the infinite density of space. A vast black canvas that stretched beyond anything you can comprehend.

Over time within this intense darkness tiny white lights appeared, in the expanse of space they seemed like nothing more than pin pricks. You know them as stars and people will tell you that all they are just balls of hydrogen and helium waiting to explode and light up the darkness around them. But they are not..well not back when it all began.

For these celestial bodies that appeared were for all intents and purposes as human as you and I. They could feel, communicate….dream. In their infancy they would move around space with the same enthusiasm as a toddler would in a park. They played, chasing each other in this infinite playground, gleefully laughing; all the stars together swirling with playful abandon. But as the millennia passed they grew bored of this pursuit. One can only tolerate so many years before the monotony of simply running through the endless vacuum of space would become tiresome. It is surprising that they lasted as long as they did.

The stars therefore no longer ran and played but instead stood and talked. To relieve the crushing boredom they now felt they told stories just like the story I am telling you now. They would create characters and scenes and together they would live out the most fantastic of adventures.

Now I know what you are thinking – how can these stars tell stories? How could they know anything when all they had experienced was just the dark nothingness of space? Well, these were not just stars and were not restricted by what they had experienced or what they had been told. The canvas of their minds was as infinite as the vastness of the space that they occupied.

Have you ever wondered why you have two arms, two legs and a head? Or why a whale looks the way it does? These are not moments of evolution but by design – the design of the stars.

However, they began to grow weary of these stories and the companionship of sharing these adventures faded.. They then began to do the most human of things – argue. In the early days of this story sharing they would rejoice in the collectiveness of their creation but as the stories grew in grandeur and became more elaborate voices of discontent could be heard.

Initially the arguments were rather miniscule in nature just some odd disagreement over names or places or a description of something in particular. Take the elephant for example; well it got its large trunk as a result of particularly mischievous star who objected to the way a story was being told. One day I will tell you what really led to the Alpaca being created.

You may think it ridiculous that such pettiness could occur over the way a simple story was being told but there really was not much else for them to do. They had told stories for so long that this is all they did, all they knew and it was important to them.

Slowly the resentment grew and these disagreements became larger and more intense until no longer could the stars remain together and they split into two groups. Imagine space as a giant blackboard, at one end you had a group of stars who all believed that a story should be told one way and at the other end another group who wished the story to be told differently.

And there in the middle was a single star shining bright. He never participated in the story telling but instead just glowed bright in a beautifully translucent meditative state. He was not creating places or things but just imagining himself running freely around the entirety of space. He liked when they all used to do that and hoped one day they would all return to such gleeful pursuits. The vastness of space was too scary for one little star to do it alone and so he just waited for his friends to once again join him.

For a while the stars cohabited with very little issue, they enjoyed sharing their stories with other like-minded stars and were pleased there were no more disagreements and that their creative adventures could continue unabated. But soon the groups became suspicious of each other and wondered what each other were up to. One group would often get disturbed by the other with loud laughter or cheering.

Curious, the other group would confront them and ask “What are you up to?” Of course they did not speak in a human voice what with them being celestial beings and all. However, I can only communicate this part of the tale by expressing it as a human would.

So the other group would reply “Nothing we were just telling a story”. The other group interested to know what had caused such mirth and merriment would ask what the story was about and so the group would tell them.

“That’s rubbish” they would say “It’s not even funny.” Or words to that effect.

This continued with each group seemingly more interested with what the other were doing than themselves. Like a virus the willingness to sabotage a story rather than assist spread through the groups. There would be shouts of ‘Rubbish’ or ‘That didn’t happen’ and ‘We tell it better’ and before long neither group could finish a story due to all the interruptions.

This then led to a different emotion being experienced by the stars – Rage. They became angry and what started off as name calling soon escalated. Whilst shouting insults at each other the star in the middle was blissfully running through the miles of space in his mind unaware the changes that were occurring in his friends.

Then one day the insults escalated and two stars one from either group ran at each other. I say ran only so you can picture it in your mind, stars of course do not run. They headed towards each other at some velocity neither one willing to change course. They collided with some force and with a…poof…they were gone.

The others in the groups watched in initial disbelief at the destruction of two of their fellow stars. Then the accusations began as to who or what had caused that to happen – each blaming each other with some venom. With rage running through them they all charged at each other whilst the star in the middle hovered unaware above them.

They could have stopped, they all could have realised , having witnessed what they had, the folly of this pursuit but the rage consumed them and destruction was all that they cared about. Having spent millennia together they could no longer bear to spend one more moment and this huge cluster of stars collided with each other…BANG!

It was the biggest bang that you could ever imagine and out of this chaos and destruction all their dreams, ideas, stories flowed; leaking out into the blackness of space. When the dust had settled the previous endless void of space was filled with planets, the sun, the moon and of course earth.

Hovering in the sky above earth were three stars – one from either group and of course the star in the middle who had remained passive to the destruction that had occurred below.

Before they noticed anything they were struck by a feeling of loneliness. Space was no longer filled with these celestial wonders and the two stars felt a feeling of remorse.. The two stars did not blame each other but instead called a truce to the fighting that had seen so many of their fellow brethren fall. In honour of the fallen they flew through space which now hosted so many wondrous creations and every now and then would stop and leave a little ball of light amidst the darkness. The middle star had followed, happy to once again be flying through the infinite sky.. Before long space was once again alit with stars but these were not (and still aren’t) real stars. Only three real stars remain and they shone the brightest of all.

Once they completed their memorial journey they returned to hover over earth as they found this to be the most beautiful of all their creations. They admired how much better it looked compared to the image conjured by their storytelling. The two stars were excited to be able retell their stories and create new ones using this wonderful plaything that had appeared, just as a child would create wondrous battles with his toy knight and horse.

The middle star did not want to join in and still very much childlike he just wanted to fly through space again. But the other two stars would not join him as they were too busy creating more stories on this planet, weaving tapestries of glorious tales, each event perfectly planned and created.

But it was inevitable that this creative harmony would not continue and soon the disagreements begun and they could no longer agree on how this story taking place on earth should be told. Recognising that such disagreements had brought about such previous destruction they went to speak to the middle star for him to decide. They requested he be the arbiter in their dispute. At first he was reluctant, much preferring to allow his mind to wander across space, however his fellow stars persisted and so somewhat reluctantly he agreed.

Initially he was not called upon to arbitrate that often perhaps every once in a while but then the demands of him as an arbiter became more frequent. This irritated the middle star who having never participated in this storytelling had no inclination to do so now and just wanted to be left in his meditative peace. He therefore refused.

This of course angered the other two stars but they did not return to their previous rage, instead they grew bored of telling this story on earth, indeed they grew tired of telling stories altogether. Therefore they just sat in the sky and looked down and watched the story unfold before them below. Observing what they had created as it begun its first unscripted chapter.

However, the urge to intervene became too great and as the stars looked down they could not help themselves but to weave the tapestry of the story once more. This time, however, they did not tell this story in unison. Like they did with their brethren they kept to their side of the sky and told their own story. But there was now no coherence to the narrative and it was as if one had written his story in ink on a page only for the other to write over it in a different colour.

The stars began to move further away from each other, paranoid that the other would see what they were doing. Soon, they were telling new stories just to spite the other and they no longer cared about their beautiful creation. They would purposely seek to destroy what the other had created and the other would reciprocate. More and more they moved away from each other until they could no longer be seen, leaving only the middle star in the sky to shine down on the consequence of their spite and rage.

When the middle star awoke from one of his meditative journeys through space he felt immediately alone. The last time he awoke from a trance all the stars had disappeared save for two and now this time there was no-one. They had gone. He looked down at the curious green and blue sphere and thought his friends maybe down there, experiencing up close what they had created.

He therefore descended upon the earth and took the form of one of his fellow star’s creation and began searching for his two celestial companions.

No-one knows what ever happened to those three stars. All that we do know is that they never shone in the night sky again.

The End…..Now go to sleep.

“That was a silly story Mummy” said the child, desperately stifling a yawn “Tell me another one….A better one.”

“Not now. Sleep!”

“But Mummy…”

“Get the fuck to sleep!” mumbled the Mother under her breath before leaning in and kissing the child on the forehead “Night monkey.”

As the Mother turned off the light and gently closed the door the child let out one final cry of “Its a silly story!” before sleep finally overtook her.

The Mother leaned against the door and thought;

A silly story? Perhaps. Most true ones are.

Part One >

The Movie Pitch Of Selina XI : The Overlord Unicorned Squirrels From Mars – Character Concepts

Who would have thought that this little tale would have some appendices.

Anyway, the immensely talented artists Robert Ahmad sketched a few character designs for Duprez, Melissa and young Sophie with her Father.

Amazing stuff, right? Those who follow me on Twitter know that I love comic books.

To see something I wrote in comic book form is awesome. Who knows maybe there is further life in Unicorned Squirrels as a comic book.

Anyway, for now simply enjoy the huge talent that is Robert Ahmad and if you want to see more go to his Deviantart page Here.

Robert is also teaming up with Matt Garvey on The Devil In Disguise which I can highly recommend and can be found here