Hello… Well it’s been a while. Had to dust off the old blog and even had to rely on password reminders whilst confirming I am in fact not a robot.
But how do I actually know I’m not a robot? I am fully prepared for the revelation that we are all cybernetic playthings of The Puppet Prince of Pluto. When that does happen the Recaptcha dudes are going to look pretty stupid that we’ve all been lying to them.
Anyway I digress. So those who follow me on Twitter often wonder why they do. But that’s not the point. I tweeted amongst the randomness that I didn’t know what to do with this blog.
The blog begun as a saucy reflection on my life but I kind of got bored with that. Plus my memory gets a bit hazy and I forget who I may have been on top off at any given time.
But I couldn’t just allow my blog to collect dust; to simply be a digital reminder of my attempt to be a writer.
So I present the first in possibly the only instalment of My Movie Pitches.
It’s quite possible that Christopher Nolan or Guillermo Del Toro might be knocking about the internet looking for an idea for their next movie. And so here I am providing that service.
Please therefore enjoy my pitch for the movie Overlord Unicorned Squirrels From Mars….It’s a love story!
So the movie opens with a wide shot of a forest or a wood (not sure if there is a difference between a forest and a wood. I mean I have been propositioned many times to get naughty in the local woods but never a forest.)
So the camera takes the viewer inside the woods and in the clearing are a male and female having sex.
I think it’s always good to start a movie with a sex scene. After all there will be a lot of guys out on romantic dates and they maybe feeling a little horny at the prospect of what may lay ahead for them.
Research shows that they are unlikely to pay attention to what is happening on the screen and instead will be preoccupied with thinking up ways they can get their date to touch their junk in the dark cinema.
Therefore a sex scene right off the bat ought to provide adequate encouragement to quickly leave and go knock one out. This would mean that they can concentrate on the rest of the movie and their partner can enjoy the popcorn without the guy’s penis emerging from the kernels.
Now how full on we go with the sex scene will largely be based on the rating we are likely to get. If the squirrel based violence will see us R rated then I reckon go full on HBO with the sex.
We could get all arty with the sex scene. You know close up of writhing skin, fogged breath emerging from mouths all intercut with nature based metaphors like a close up of a worm going into a hole. Maybe keep going back to a confused looking sparrow.
Or we could simply settle for the sight of a pair of buttocks thrusting up and down as the sound of pleasure echoes through the forest (or woods).
As the sex scene reaches its climax we have a close up of the female, her eyes closed, the pleasure on her face clear. As she opens her eyes we follow her sight to a tree and there sits a squirrel with its back to her.
Her male companion speeds up with his thrusting, the moment of release is imminent. Throughout his fervent banging the female’s gaze is firmly on this squirrel.
The camera leaves the copulating couple and zooms in on the squirrel; the sounds of pleasure get louder and as we reach the squirrel it suddenly turns. The viewer is presented with its demonic red eyes, gnarling teeth and oversized unicorn horn on its head.
This monstrous squirrel leaps from the branches ( that shit would rock in 3D) and we hear the cries of pleasure turn into screams of terror.
It fades to black and we move to the titles. There needs to be a kick arse score with this. I read John Williams doesn’t want to do Star Wars anymore so he’ll be all over this shit. If he’s unavailable then my friend Jez likes to piss around on Garage Band on the iPad so probably could create a tune or two.
Make sure the titles are not tacky. This is, after all, a love story.
The opening score really needs to convey the emotion of killer unicorned squirrels whilst at the same time be a little jovial. You know let the viewer it might not be all bad that rodents with bushy tails and oversized horns want to kill us all.
So that’s the opening. Epic isn’t it?
Come on admit it you want to know what happens Next