So Duprez drives to the local zoo and there he meets Melissa the zoologist. She’s dressed in incredibly skimpy khaki shorts and her shirt is unbuttoned revealing ample cleavage.
Look, I know it’s 2018 and really we should be showcasing how this woman is clearly intelligent, has studied hard to achieve her choice of career and we should admire her for ability rather than looks, but we ain’t looking to break any glass ceilings with this movie…
Well there is that scene where the Unicorned Squirrels do crash through a glass ceiling to carry out a slaughter but that’s not the point.
So we first see her tending to an animal (whatever one we can get cheap and won’t shit all over the set).
Duprez wastes no time in walking up to Melissa and showing her the crime scene photos. Just like that! Duprez don’t give a shit. He’s cool with just waving pictures of mutilated bodies around but it’s okay because Duprez gets results.
Duprez : Could these have been caused by an animal?
Melissa: Not from any animal I know
Duprez: A rhino?
Melissa: I know rhinos. Besides it’s too small to have been caused by a rhino
Duprez: Are you sure? Are all your rhinos accounted for?
Now people may expect Melissa to respond along the lines of ‘Fuck you. I’ve spent my entire life studying animals and know how big a rhino horn is. Plus I’ve been here since five in the morning doing an entire round of the zoo. I’m educated, I’m competent and I’d know if a fucking rhino was missing , you dick’.
But instead we will have her happily agreeing to show Duprez to the rhino enclosure.
Now the short walk to the enclosure will all be from the point of view of one of those Unicorned Squirrel bastards, who is high up in a tree. Really ramp up the tension.
Melissa shows Duprez both rhinos are indeed still there. Whilst he should have just taken her word for it in the first place, the fact he would want to double check just shows what a brilliant yet flawed detective he is. Detectives who simply accept what a trained, educated, competent female zoologist may say don’t get results..Not like Duprez does.
As Duprez and Melissa are discussing the fact that the rhinos are still present (even though it’s clear to see they are both there) the Unicorned Squirrel gets closer ready to pounce and then….
Birds fly off from the tree startling Duprez. He asks ‘What’s that’ but Melissa does not respond ‘Birds flying away from a tree’. Instead she remarks that ‘Something must have startled them’.
From the point of view of the Unicorned Squirrel we see Duprez looking up. That brilliant, clever man, he knows something is up.
Duprez exits the zoo. Melissa watches him leave and then turns to walk away when suddenly down falls a….dead mutilated bird. (Yep we are going to troll the audience in thinking it’s a Unicorned Squirrel but it’s not. Those fake scares always work, trust me).
She kneels down to examine the dead bird before slowly looking up at the tree. We know danger lurks there, will Melissa be okay?
The scene cuts to Duprez driving his Yugo back to the Police Station. When he arrives back at the station there is a homeless man outside.
We could, of course, look to explore the social and economic reasons that has led this poor chap to endure a life of deprivation. We could seek to pass comment on a system that allows such hardships to occur. But we’re not.
Nope. The guy’s homeless so he’s going to be shouting about all manner of crazy bollocks. With his long beard and shabby clothes he’ll be screaming ‘They’re here!’ and ‘We’re doomed!’
Despite the fact that Duprez is paid to serve the residents of this town, which includes the homeless guy, he just pushes past him. Because Duprez don’t give a shit.
Now is this homeless guy going to be an important character? Or is he just some random guy I’ve just inserted into the movie for no reason whatsoever?
All will be revealed. Until next time Squirrels fans.
Did you like Melissa? Well then it’s time to meet Sophie