A few months back I presented to you the movie pitch to The Overlord Unicorned Squirrels. No-one really asked for it but I did it anyway.
Equally there weren’t many demanding a sequel but guess what?!
Oh if you’ve stumbled on this page and want to know what is going on you can read the original movie pitch here.
Rather than this being an immediate follow on from the first movie US2 (all cool movies are abbreviated nowadays) will be a prequel.
There are a couple of reasons for this. Firstly I doubt any of the original actors would want to come back for the sequel.
Secondly, prequels are cool. It’s a way of sorting out all those awkward plot holes and pretend this was all part of your master plan. I mean Disney spent millions just to explain why there was a tiny hole in the Death Star that caused the entire thing to explode.
We’ll be doing nothing as elaborate but instead we will look at the origin of the Unicorned Squirrels.
Now eagle eyed readers and those who generally pay attention would have noticed that the original title to the first movie was The Overlord Unicorned Squirrels From Mars.
They are from Mars. We know that. There is no need for you to do this.
Well, what if I told you that they weren’t originally from Mars.
Whaaattt??!! That’s absolute bullshit
It may very well be but hear me out. The other day I was reading a three volume account of World War II by an eminent historian….okay I was watching a war movie…Alright, alright I was playing Call Of Duty.
Whilst randomly shooting some Zombie Nazis in the head shouting ‘Die you Zombie Bastard’ it struck me that an undead Nazi army is a recurring trope in a lot of video games and movies. There are also those random documentaries about Hitler and his obsession with the occult.
A lot of the time there is never really any evidence presented in these documentaries but just some random bearded dudes who desperately want Raiders Of The Lost Ark to be true.
If it’s not the occult then Hitler was always trying to build some superweapon to annihilate the Allies.
So what if………..
Unicorned Squirrels 2 will open with a shot of a scary castle. There are swastika flags flying and soldiers marching. In case the viewer needs any further clue that we are in Germany during the war it will say ‘Germany – Sometime during World War II’.
In the dark depths of the castle we are introduced to a man who looks the sort to perform evil experiments. He’s tall, bald with cheek bones that have caved in. He has an eye patch and scar and speaks in a sinister German accent.
A German soldier addresses him in subtitles.
Soldier: Herr Schrinklestein
(yep he’s the grandfather of Professor Schrinkle from the first movie -see Prequels make sense)
Schrinklestein: What is it?
Soldier: Is it done?
Schrinklestein: Tell our glorious leader that we are ready
Then he laughs maniacally just in case it hasn’t been made clear that he’s an evil bastard.
Whilst laughing he turns to a stack of crates. What could be inside you are wondering? Right?
We watch as the crates are loaded into a bomber plane and we cut to the German war room where helpfully what is happening is explained (in subtitles to give it some gravitas).
Random Soldier: The plane is en route to Britain
Random General: Good. Good. Soon Britain will be annihilated.
They all laugh – that bit doesn’t have to be in subtitles.
So with the plane on its way we cut to ‘A field in England’. There we witness a damaged spitfire coming into land. Ground crew and a nurse rush towards it; smoke billows from the engine.
Through the cloud a man emerges from the cockpit. He is dressed in a brown leather bomber jacket and flight helmet. His left arm is severely injured, virtually hanging off with jets of blood pumping out.
Captain Smith : I say chaps things got a little rough up there
Ground Crew Member Tommy : Sir are you okay?
Captain Smith (looking at his arm still spurting blood) : What this? Just a scratch. Nothing that a sip of whiskey can’t sort.
As they chat a siren sounds and further ground crew rush out.
Crew Member: German bomber on its way
Captain Smith: Not on my watch.
Crew Member: But Sir, your arm?
Captain Smith: Oh that’s nothing a sweet smile from Nurse Jenkins cannot solve.
Nurse Jenkins: I’m a qualified nurse and you need stitches and antibiotics
Captain Smith: Quite. But just don’t forget that smile
Captain Smith moves towards the plane and puts his hand on the ladder to climb into the cockpit, his arm falls off.
He picks it up and throws it to Nurse Jenkins;
Captain Smith: Look after this for me. I’ll need it when I get back
Nurse Jenkins: Sir, if we don’t reattach that arm now you’ll likely bleed to death.
Captain Smith: Nonsense the thought of your pretty face is enough to keep my heart pumping.
Ground Crew Member Tommy: But Sir you only have one arm. How are you going to fly a plane?
Captain Smith: Mmmm You’re right. With me Tommy
Tommy: But I can’t fly a plane, Sir.
Captain Smith (laughing): I can fly the plane Tommy I need you to hold my pipe.
They get into the plane and fly off towards the German bomber which is nearing the shores of England.
We witness an epic air battle as Captain Smith’s spitfire attempts to bring down the giant German bomber.
Now, as you know, Unicorned Squirrels is well known for its action but also it is synonymous with high emotional content. This is particularly emphasised in the following scene.
Whilst a battle rages in the air we pan into the cockpit for this exchange between Captain Smith and Tommy.
Captain Smith: I must say Tommy your pipe holding skills are second to none.
Tommy: Thank you sir
Captain Smith: So tell me Tommy do you have a pretty little lady waiting for you on the ground?
Tommy: I do sir
Captain Smith: Is she pretty like Nurse Jenkins
Tommy: I’d say prettier sir
Captain Smith: Really? Interesting.
Tommy: We are due to get married this afternoon sir. Her Mother is not very well and only has days to live you see and it is her final wish to see her daughter married.
Captain Smith: And do you love her Tommy.
Tommy: I do sir, with all my heart. And she loves me. In fact this morning you know what she said to me. She said ‘ I love you so much I do not think I could live without you’.
Captain Smith: That is lovely
Tommy: It is sir. A really nice thing to hear while you’re waiting for your toast to be ready. She said ‘I dunno how I would cope with running the orphanage for sick kids, that and the sanctuary for domestic pets with personality disorders.’ She told me if I wasn’t there to support her she would just end it all.
Captain Smith: Well let’s finish this and get you to the church on time
Moments later a barrage of bullets hit the cockpit killing poor Tommy
Control: Captain is everything okay?
Captain Smith: I’ve dropped my pipe…..and poor Tommy has bought it.
Control: Come back to base your aircraft is damaged.
Captain Smith: And allow this bomber through. Never. Besides I have a bride to console.
He manoeuvres the plane towards the German bomber and gets ready to fire.
Captain Smith: This is for you Tommy and your sweet , emotionally vulnerable bride.
But there is a problem. The guns are jammed.
Control: Pull up Captain
He doesn’t. Instead he increases his speed setting him on a collision course with the bomber.
Control: Pull up Captain
Captain Smith: They are not getting through. Tell Nurse Jenkins to keep smiling.
We witness the plane crash into the bomber sending it hurtling towards the water.
Back at base it is a bittersweet moment. The threat of the bomber has gone but so has Captain Smith. We witness the ground crew mournfully walking across the field, Nurse Jenkins sorrowfully clutching Captain Smith’s detached arm.
Random Ground Crew: What’s that?
They all look up in the sky and see something floating towards them.
It’s Captain Smith! He managed to eject from the plane just before it hit the bomber.
His parachute is damaged causing him to hurtle towards the ground at speed. He lands heavily, the sound of both legs breaking is audible as he hits the floor.
Everyone rushes towards the Captain, his legs are weirdly contorted, broken bones are visible.
Nurse Jenkins: This man needs to be taken to hospital immediately.
Captain Smith: Nonsense. Just a smile from yourself and my head resting on your heaving bosom is all I need.
Nurse Jenkins : You really don’t know how medicine works do you?
Men rush forward carrying a stretcher.
Captain Smith: No need for that I can walk.
He goes to stand and immediately falls down again. Reluctantly he allows himself to be placed on the stretcher. As he is carried towards the ambulance he says ‘Do you think we can make a quick pit stop at the Church?’
The scene cuts to the Channel (which for sea enthusiasts is the bit of water between England and France).
The camera moves underwater where we see the mangled wreck of the bomber. Bodies float nearby.
As the camera pans closer to the scorch shell suddenly a unicorn horn shoots through the metal.
Roll Opening Titles
THE UNICORNED SQUIRRELS 2: HIBERANNIHILATION