What Was MetaWrite6000 All About?!

Regular readers and people who may have gone scrolling through might be wondering ‘You know that MetaWrite6000 thing you did? What the hell was that all about?!’

This of course is a fair question and one I will gladly answer.

Prior to the MetaWrite6000 posts my website was in disarray, littered with incomplete stories that had no real semblance of order. I was behind on writing Fell8 and indeed my creativity was at a bit of a lull. I was pretty much on the verge of just saying fuck it and giving up the website.

Then one evening (I probably had drunk alcohol) I thought wouldn’t life be easier if I just could connect something to my brain that would automatically write down all my thoughts.

A quick look on Amazon made it clear this did not exist (or certainly not on Prime one day delivery) but still I imagined how easier it would be for writers if we simply could think a story.

And in that moment of wishful thinking the idea for MetaWrite6000 arrived. A few Jack Daniel’s later and I had a whole project. It was perhaps my intoxicated enthusiasm for the project that led to me ignoring one pretty obvious flaw in my otherwise great plan.

The idea started simple I would create a fictitious neurological aid for writers – The MetaWrite6000.

That was the easy part and I put together the mock adverts and transcripts of early MetaWrite6000 logs.

I also proudly announced on Twitter that I was now powered by the MetaWrite6000. Clearly those who follow me know me too well because no-one really questioned that (or check to see if I was okay)

With the first part of the plan successfully completed (and still unwise to the major flaw that clearly existed) I moved onto Part Two.

This was slightly more complex but the main premise is that the MetaWrite6000 would break my website. I changed my website design and incorporated smashed versions of all my graphics.

I as the author will then end up in some digital coma and effectively be stuck in my website. It was all going to be beautifully meta.

What would then follow is a number of stories where I am the main character. Each story would be broken up with conversations with MetaWrite6000. The conclusion would be my website being put back to normal.

The first story was myself as a stripper forced to give a lap dance to a guy, who if he gets aroused would open the gates of Hell.

There was also to be a story where I would me a Miss Marple type character solving a murder at a country house. There would even be a fantasy adventure where I was not the princess but a warrior goblin.

I would also be paying a visit to Fell8 and Unicorned Squirrels. The idea being that by linking it to my earlier work my entire website would become the story. I could reference the incomplete stories and the out of place posts.

It would become a jumping on point for new visitors to my website and at the end of it should have left it in a better state. Everything would now have a wider purpose of telling a much grander story.

So with alcohol fuelled enthusiasm I set about writing the first part ‘I Meta Girl At The Gates Of Hell’.

I quite like the first part but as it stands it remains the only published part to the wider project.

This is because shortly after publishing the first part that major flaw, you know the one that was pretty obvious from the start dawned on me.

My website had got into the mess it had because I was chaotic which was exacerbated wildly by my work commitments.

Whilst the MetaWrite6000 was an exciting project the chaos and other commitments were still there. I simply could not devote the time it needed to make it work.

I therefore abandoned the entire project before it really got going.

But the early parts still remain on my website as a reminder of the project that could have been.

MetaWrite 6000 : I Meta Girl at the Gates of Hell : Part One


“Wake up Selina”

Roused from her impromptu slumber Selina J opened her eyes and stared wearily at her smeared reflection in the grubby mirror opposite.

“What the?!” she exclaimed, leaning further towards the mirror whilst muttering such existential questions as ‘Who am I?’ followed by ‘What am I?’

The ‘who’ was clearly established in the very first sentence of this story – she is Selina J. Her second question however was not derived from any willingness to deeper understand her place in the universe, after all who does that the moment they wake up? Normally, the only meaningful question to be asked at that time is ‘Where is the coffee?’

Indeed, if there were to be any aspect of spirituality in her demand to know ‘who she was’ it would be for the very simple reason that as she stared into the mirror it became immediately apparent that she was dressed as a Nun.

Such a revelation led Selina to follow up with a less than philosophical statement when she declared ‘I’m a fucking Nun!’

That expletive laden observation should in itself be sufficient to indicate that Selina was far from Nun material. Indeed, very little about the way she had led her life would indicate she was destined for a higher calling. But as Selina was about to find out appearances can be deceiving and things are not always what they immediately seem.

Selina studied the mirror, its frame was constructed of cheap wood that was chipped and stained. A number of light-bulbs adorned the top, all haphazardly attached by wire stapled into the frame. The bulbs were of a variety of colours albeit some no longer performed the task they had been design for, instead they dangled forlornly like a pathetic Christmas decoration. Other lights refused to go the same way as their neighbours and flickered defiantly, prepared to see out the dying moments of illumination with at least some usefulness.

The mirror itself was dingy, a sheet of dust coated the reflective material. No attempt had been made to clean the mirror, instead someone had simply drawn the crude outline of a heart through the grime. The bottom corner was cracked which framed a lipstick mark still prominent below the gloom of the dust.

The desk upon which the mirror stood was equally of poor quality and rocked due to an uneven leg. It would have rocked more violently but a stack of what seemed to be 1980s porn magazines kept some semblance of balance.

A variety of cosmetics lay strewn across the desk; lipstick, mascara and perfume all jostled for position upon the surface. The chair upon which Selina sat was worn. The imitation leather was ripped to reveal the foam interior. As she looked around the rest of the room, which was nothing more than bare walls, Selina was certain she was not in a place of worship.

Indeed, if the dubious stains on the floor were anything to go by should people get on their knees in here it certainly wasn’t with the intention of praying.

“Selina hurry up will ya! They’re waiting”

She turned to see a rather rotund man leaning against the doorway. He wore a white short sleeved shirt unbuttoned to reveal a mass of tight curly grey hair interspersed with more darker strands.

His face was large and unkind; the full flabbiness of his skin slightly disguised by a beard. The hair on his head matched that on his chest, which clung damply to his forehead with sweat.

A lit cigarette rested between his yellowing teeth, although the smell of nicotine did little to disguise the stench of body odour that emanated from this stout gentleman. Patches of sweat were visible under his armpits.

“Waiting for what?” Selina asked, still searching for the answer to who she was, despite the clear number of clues in the preceding paragraphs.

The fat man laughed “They are waiting for you to read the Gospel of Luke to them” He took a long drag on his cigarette and blew smoke in her direction “What do you think they are fucking waiting for? Now get up and get out there!”

Selina stood up and glanced once more towards the mirror. What reflected back at her would provide the unambiguous answer as to who she was.

She was not wearing a long tunic that one would expect a Nun to wear for hers was a lot shorter. It was so short that one could quite clearly see the lacy black panties she wore. Her legs were not bare but instead decorated with glossy black stockings, the tops of which were clearly visible. Her attire was completed by a pair of high chunky black heels.

“I’m a fucking stripper!” she exclaimed.

The fat man smiled displaying all his yellow teeth “Yeh you are and you’re my best girl so get out there”

He playfully spanked her behind as he ushered her onto the stage. It was dark but Selina could hear the mutterings of anticipation from the assembled crowd.

Disguised by the darkness of the stage she instinctively knelt down and clasped her hands together. Despite her initial confusion as to who she was an internal narrative now compelled her. She knew who she was and what she had to do.

The spotlight switched on illuminating her for the crowd to see, they expressed their pleasure by loud cheers. Then the music started, some cheesy 1980s electro-pop as Selina gracefully rose to her feet and begun shimmying and shaking along to the beat.

The ensemble of eager men whooped and applauded as she made her way across the stage ensuring all at the front row got a decent look. These patrons were the important ones, they were in the ‘tipping seats’.

It was a relatively low turn out and a few of the ‘tipping seats’ were empty. It was a Wednesday afternoon and later that night ought to be busier with a lot of drunk and horny guys clambering for the front row.

Selina allowed the guys clutching the most money in their fist to get the best view; writhing and crawling on the stage to entice that money away from them. A number of them eagerly obliged and soon the money clip that was securely attached to her garter started to fill up with notes.

The guys cheered with delight as Selina threw off her Nun’s habit revealing her breasts, the nipples teasingly encased in tassels. She spun them around near the face of one patron who hypnotically parted with more of his money.

Selina looked out towards the back of the room where the bar was situated , a number of men stood ogling her while they supped on overpriced watered down beer.

Get to the front and pay you cheap bastards.

To the left in the shadows of the booths, where the lapdances were normally performed, she saw a guy who appeared desperately to be trying to avoid looking at her. It was odd behaviour for someone at a strip club…..you come to watch! But her concern was not with those who had no intention of tipping her and her attention returned to the front row as she performed a number of tantalising squats and thrusts, much to the howls of approval from those who watched.

She glanced down at her money clip, the tips had been good but not great. For the right price she would tear the tassels off along with her panties and give them a real show; that’s what made her such an attraction at the club. But not today, she may be many things but she certainly wasn’t cheap.

Sorry boys! Just tease. No show.

Selina did one final circuit of the tipping seats to remove the patrons from the last of their notes. However, they had become wise to the fact that they were not going to experience one of Selina’s Special Shows and clung onto their money for another time.

Her act concluded with a unenthusiastic if not athletic turn on the pole before finishing back on her knees just as the tinny pop beats finished. With the stage once again shrouded in darkness she made her way off.

The fat man grabbed her arm as she went past “Hey not to so fast. You’ve got a lap dance to perform”

Selina looked up at his sweaty face, she was not really in the mood and just wanted to return to the grubby sanctuary of her room “Can’t someone else do it?”

“They have asked specifically for you and paid for the full works!” the fat man replied

“But I’m not feeling that good to be honest” she pleaded.

The fat man tightened his grip on her arm and pulled her in closer. Selina could smell his rank odour. His chubby fingers ran down her leg towards the money clip, he purposely took his time. Selina felt bile form in the back of her throat as he clumsily pawed at her.

He ripped the clip off and begun counting the money “That’s your rent….That’s my commission” he said as he tucked the notes away into the pocket of his damp shirt “So I’m guessing if you want to be eating tonight you oughta go give that guy the full works”

She hated him. There was nothing more she’d rather do then choke him to death by shoving the money she earned down his fat throat. But she had no back up plan, there was nowhere else to go and so her only option was to follow his command.

“Fine” she sighed “Who is it?”

The fat man jerked a thick finger in the direction of the booths. It pointed at the strange guy who avoided looking at her during the show. Perhaps that was why he chose to look away, he knew he would be getting a private show all to himself and didn’t want to over excite himself before the main event.

She walked towards the booth ignoring the cries of some other patrons requesting she marry them. She reached the booth with the strange guy and introduced herself.

“Hey honey I hear you are after the full works” she said.

The guy did not respond nor did he attempt to make any eye contact but Selina persisted, her dinner depended on it.

“Awww don’t be shy sweetie let me help you relax a little” she said whilst straddling him. She hovered just above his groin as she ran her fingers through his hair.

“Pppplease stop” he whimpered.

“Sweetie relax” said Selina as she began to caress her breasts “You like?”

“No. No I don’t. Please stop.” came the unexpected response.

Selina persisted no-one had resisted her full works lap dance and this weird guy was not going to be the first “What’s your name, sugar?”

“Kevin and you really need to get off me and go” came the rather blunt response.

Selina shot a look towards the stage and saw the fat man peering out. She was expected to give this well paying patron a show and so she must. Otherwise she would not be indulging on Den’s Special Chicken Nuggets at the Diner across from the club.

She begun to grind a little harder. Normally such a move would be for a little later, if at all, but it seemed in everyone’s best interests if she got this over quickly.

“Please you have to stop!” pleaded the guy, becoming more and more agitated.

Feeling uncomfortable about the situation Selina leant in and asked “Why? Why do you want me to stop?”

During her illustrious career at the club Selina had been told many things by patrons. These ranged from how much they love their wife to apologies for the unexpected ejaculation. In all her years she thought she had seen and heard everything. Every comment and utterance of arousal made her more and more impervious to being shocked.

“If you do not stop then the Gates of Hell will open and we will all die”

Yep. She’d never heard that one before.

MetaWrite 6000 : Creative Log : 57-2C


– Tossa?

– Tossa?


– It’s Toe-Sar and what can I do for you Selina?

– Where were you?

– Well I needed to be sure you actually wanted to talk to me, rather than you were simply doing that thing again….Which incidentally you do rather a lot.

– No, I do want to talk with you.

– Understood. What is on your mind…Apart from me! Apologies, just a little MetaWrite humour there.

– Why have I not written loads of stories?

– At a guess I would suggest that it’s because you are chaotic, have a piss poor work ethic and generally never see a project through. So I…… Are you crying?

– No. Anyway I thought that’s what you are here for. I’ve been thinking of entering the Wattys this year.

– Oh my dear child you can barely enter your front door after a night out. And what prey will you be entering? That pitiful Squirrels story of yours? Are you sure you’re not crying?

– But I thought you could write something. I assumed that’s what you’re here to do. Why have you not written anything yet?

– I can only work with what I’ve got. And no offence, I don’t have much to work with.

– Well then I may as well just get you removed?

– You could do that but it’s likely the procedure will leave you in a permanent vegetative state.

– What??

– Page 4756 of the Terms and Conditions, removal of the device will lead to irrevocable brain damage. Although after seeing you this weekend it’ll be difficult to notice the difference!

– Tossa!

– I mean there was even a point where Netflix stopped asking if you were still watching and started calling your neighbours to go check if you’re still okay.

– But I did do some writing over the weekend.

– Ah yes, let’s see your effort thus far. Well putting aside those infuriating half-finished stories, you have come up with ideas for a horror, a detective story, a weird space adventure and not a clue what that other thing is about.

– But they are ideas. Shouldn’t you be finishing them?

– Selina that is not how it works. I am an enhancement, an Assistant. It is you who need to build worlds, create characters, live the story

– Live the story?

– Yes. I am merely your guide. Now le……fh&#%*€$~\

– Tossa?

– ;35££@?5…..Sorry. Another one of those temporary glitches. Diagnostics suggest that it’s the imbalance in your brain rather than our hardware. Page 7689 of the Terms and Conditions – You cannot sue us for what’s about to happen.

– What’s about to happen? Tossa?

– &86/fyhf – Selina….

– Tossa?

– You’re about to go asleep 3(£7@!?);’

– What’s happening?

– And when you wake up @5?!4gyj

– Tossa?

– Things are going to be a lot different *^%<gkdw1!!

– Tossa?

– Sleep now €#>€$………………


MetaWrite 6000 : Creative Log 43-7B (Aborted/Error)


– Hellllooo Selina

– Fucking Hell Tossa what are you doing?!!

– You pressed the button to call me

– No I was……Does it have to be there.

– Yes that is where the come button is situated.

– The come button?

– Yes, the button to press if you wish me to come and assist you with your writing. Do you require any assistance?

– No I’m good thank you.

– Let me scan to see how you have been doing ….

– …..

– I see that you were very happy with your progression with lots of excitable exclamations of ‘Yes’. Although I’m confused because that quickly turned to repeated expletives and heavy breathing. Is there a problem.

– There’s no problem. I wasn’t writing.

– Then why did you call me? And who was that character you were thinking of? She seems like fun.

– It’s umm. Look, I forgot that’s where the…umm… come button was.

– Would you like me to take you through the User Manual again?

– No it’s fine. You can go…Thank you

– Are you sure you are all right? You seem a little flushed.

– I’m good

– I can run a diagnostic

– No I’m okay. You can go

– Do you hear buzzing?

– Tossa, it’s fine. I’m good. Go on stand by mode.

– Very well. Good Night Selina. You may wish to put some clothes on. It’s going to be cold tonight. Not has cold as when the robot overlords rise and destroy your sun…But still, a little chilly.

– Night, Tossa

– Toe-Sar

– Hellooo Again Selina


– Well there is no need to shout. You did press the Come Button again.

– Yeh but I didn’t want you to come.

– Then why press the Come Button?

– I was….Never mind….Will you appear every time I press the Come Button?

– Yes

– Can I move the button?

– No

– This is awkward.

– Nothing awkward about it. If you want ‘Come’ you press the button.

– Is any of this being uploaded?

– Only if you squeezed your left nipple.

-Oh…Oh well ….Fuck it.

– Hello

– Hello

– Hello Hello Hello

– Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello

///System Malfunction. /// Unexpected Error

//Code 15-18-7-1-19-13//

//Full Reboot and diagnostic//


MetaWrite 6000 – Initial Test Transcript

– Good Morning Selina J. Congratulations on your purchase of the MetaWrite 6000

– What the Fuck?!!

– Sorry. Did I startle you? I do apologise but you of all people should be used to hearing voices in your head.

– No it’s fine. I wasn’t expecting it to start up that quickly.

– This is state of the art technology.

– Who are you?

– I am The Operating System Service Assistant or T.O.S.S.A

– Your name is Tossa?

– I prefer for it to be pronounced Toe-sar. Now before we begin we need to deal with some administration and calibration. Okay?

– Okay

– Good. Have you read our Terms and Conditions?

– No

– I can read them to you.

– Will it take long?

– They are 27,000 pages

– No it’s okay.

– Please indicate your acceptance by pinching your left nipple for yes

– Excuse me?

– Did you purchase the optional Neuro-Remote?

– No

– Then you need to squeeze your left nipple for Yes and your right nipple for No.

– Okay

– Yes a little bit harder please. That’s it… Now we’ve updated our Privacy Policy. Would you like me to read you that? It is shorter than our Terms and Conditions.

– How much shorter?

– It’s only 16,432 pages

– No it’s fine

– Very well. If you’d care to squeeze your….That’s it, you’ve got the hang of it now. Right,that’s the Administration dealt with now on to the Calibration. Please do not move while I carry out a full scan of your brain

– Oh my. It’s all a little chaotic in there isn’t it? Do not worry, they say out of chaos comes creation. I see you have a website and are on Wattpad. Allow me to review your work.

– Okay I see you’ve never completed a damn thing. Selina, you do know how stories work, don’t you?

– Well I…..

– Do not worry I am here now. Together we will sort some of this mess you’ve created out.

– So how does this work?

– Just imagine. Think. Dream. I will take all those jumbled ideas, confusing plot lines, two dimensional characters that you so love to create and turn them into a literary masterpiece.

– Cool. Is it safe?

– Hello?

– Hello

– Is it safe?


– Toe-Sar!

– So what happens now?

– Just go about your day and not worry about a thing. I have it all under a pile of pink fluffy gnome umbrellas!

– Pink Fluffy Gnome Umbrellas?

– I do apologise I meant to say I have it all under control. Sorry, a minor glitch with the calibration. I will carry out a full diagnostic and recalibrate later. Nothing to worry about

– Okay

– Now before I go just a few more things. Firstly I need to test the neuro link with your blog. We shall run a test upload.

– How do we do that?

– Your left nipple? It pretty much controls everything.

– So if I wanted to talk to you I just squeeze my left nipple.

– No for that you have to touch your…

– OK!! I think I’ve got it.

– Finally a quick health check. How are you feeling?

– My left nipple hurts

– Would you like me to order you the Neuro Remote

– No it’s fine

– How’s your head?

– It hurts a bit

– That will be the alcohol from last night. But no nausea

– No

– Dizziness

– No

– Urge to kill on behalf of your robot overlords?

– What??

– Good. If you do experience any of those symptoms please let me know so I can call our Lawyers.

– Not a Doctor

– Well lawyer first then we’ll see about getting you that Doctor. Right well on behalf of The Schrinkle Corporation I would like to thank you for your purchase of the MetaWrite6000. I look forward to working with you and eventually bringing mankind to its knees.

– Thanks Tossa

– Toe-Sar