MetaWrite 6000 : Creative Log : 57-2C

PREVIOUS LOG

– Tossa?

– Tossa?

– TOOOSSSSAAAAA!

– It’s Toe-Sar and what can I do for you Selina?

– Where were you?

– Well I needed to be sure you actually wanted to talk to me, rather than you were simply doing that thing again….Which incidentally you do rather a lot.

– No, I do want to talk with you.

– Understood. What is on your mind…Apart from me! Apologies, just a little MetaWrite humour there.

– Why have I not written loads of stories?

– At a guess I would suggest that it’s because you are chaotic, have a piss poor work ethic and generally never see a project through. So I…… Are you crying?

– No. Anyway I thought that’s what you are here for. I’ve been thinking of entering the Wattys this year.

– Oh my dear child you can barely enter your front door after a night out. And what prey will you be entering? That pitiful Squirrels story of yours? Are you sure you’re not crying?

– But I thought you could write something. I assumed that’s what you’re here to do. Why have you not written anything yet?

– I can only work with what I’ve got. And no offence, I don’t have much to work with.

– Well then I may as well just get you removed?

– You could do that but it’s likely the procedure will leave you in a permanent vegetative state.

– What??

– Page 4756 of the Terms and Conditions, removal of the device will lead to irrevocable brain damage. Although after seeing you this weekend it’ll be difficult to notice the difference!

– Tossa!

– I mean there was even a point where Netflix stopped asking if you were still watching and started calling your neighbours to go check if you’re still okay.

– But I did do some writing over the weekend.

– Ah yes, let’s see your effort thus far. Well putting aside those infuriating half-finished stories, you have come up with ideas for a horror, a detective story, a weird space adventure and not a clue what that other thing is about.

– But they are ideas. Shouldn’t you be finishing them?

– Selina that is not how it works. I am an enhancement, an Assistant. It is you who need to build worlds, create characters, live the story

– Live the story?

– Yes. I am merely your guide. Now le……fh&#%*€$~\

– Tossa?

– ;35££@?5…..Sorry. Another one of those temporary glitches. Diagnostics suggest that it’s the imbalance in your brain rather than our hardware. Page 7689 of the Terms and Conditions – You cannot sue us for what’s about to happen.

– What’s about to happen? Tossa?

– &86/fyhf – Selina….

– Tossa?

– You’re about to go asleep 3(£7@!?);’

– What’s happening?

– And when you wake up @5?!4gyj

– Tossa?

– Things are going to be a lot different *^%<gkdw1!!

– Tossa?

– Sleep now €#>€$………………

NEXT LOG

MetaWrite 6000 : Creative Log 43-7B (Aborted/Error)

PREVIOUS LOG

– Hellllooo Selina

– Fucking Hell Tossa what are you doing?!!

– You pressed the button to call me

– No I was……Does it have to be there.

– Yes that is where the come button is situated.

– The come button?

– Yes, the button to press if you wish me to come and assist you with your writing. Do you require any assistance?

– No I’m good thank you.

– Let me scan to see how you have been doing ….

– …..

– I see that you were very happy with your progression with lots of excitable exclamations of ‘Yes’. Although I’m confused because that quickly turned to repeated expletives and heavy breathing. Is there a problem.

– There’s no problem. I wasn’t writing.

– Then why did you call me? And who was that character you were thinking of? She seems like fun.

– It’s umm. Look, I forgot that’s where the…umm… come button was.

– Would you like me to take you through the User Manual again?

– No it’s fine. You can go…Thank you

– Are you sure you are all right? You seem a little flushed.

– I’m good

– I can run a diagnostic

– No I’m okay. You can go

– Do you hear buzzing?

– Tossa, it’s fine. I’m good. Go on stand by mode.

– Very well. Good Night Selina. You may wish to put some clothes on. It’s going to be cold tonight. Not has cold as when the robot overlords rise and destroy your sun…But still, a little chilly.

– Night, Tossa

– Toe-Sar

– Hellooo Again Selina

– TOSSA!

– Well there is no need to shout. You did press the Come Button again.

– Yeh but I didn’t want you to come.

– Then why press the Come Button?

– I was….Never mind….Will you appear every time I press the Come Button?

– Yes

– Can I move the button?

– No

– This is awkward.

– Nothing awkward about it. If you want ‘Come’ you press the button.

– Is any of this being uploaded?

– Only if you squeezed your left nipple.

-Oh…Oh well ….Fuck it.

– Hello

– Hello

– Hello Hello Hello

– Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello

///System Malfunction. /// Unexpected Error

//Code 15-18-7-1-19-13//

//Full Reboot and diagnostic//

NEXT LOG

MetaWrite 6000 – Initial Test Transcript

– Good Morning Selina J. Congratulations on your purchase of the MetaWrite 6000

– What the Fuck?!!

– Sorry. Did I startle you? I do apologise but you of all people should be used to hearing voices in your head.

– No it’s fine. I wasn’t expecting it to start up that quickly.

– This is state of the art technology.

– Who are you?

– I am The Operating System Service Assistant or T.O.S.S.A

– Your name is Tossa?

– I prefer for it to be pronounced Toe-sar. Now before we begin we need to deal with some administration and calibration. Okay?

– Okay

– Good. Have you read our Terms and Conditions?

– No

– I can read them to you.

– Will it take long?

– They are 27,000 pages

– No it’s okay.

– Please indicate your acceptance by pinching your left nipple for yes

– Excuse me?

– Did you purchase the optional Neuro-Remote?

– No

– Then you need to squeeze your left nipple for Yes and your right nipple for No.

– Okay

– Yes a little bit harder please. That’s it… Now we’ve updated our Privacy Policy. Would you like me to read you that? It is shorter than our Terms and Conditions.

– How much shorter?

– It’s only 16,432 pages

– No it’s fine

– Very well. If you’d care to squeeze your….That’s it, you’ve got the hang of it now. Right,that’s the Administration dealt with now on to the Calibration. Please do not move while I carry out a full scan of your brain

– Oh my. It’s all a little chaotic in there isn’t it? Do not worry, they say out of chaos comes creation. I see you have a website and are on Wattpad. Allow me to review your work.

– Okay I see you’ve never completed a damn thing. Selina, you do know how stories work, don’t you?

– Well I…..

– Do not worry I am here now. Together we will sort some of this mess you’ve created out.

– So how does this work?

– Just imagine. Think. Dream. I will take all those jumbled ideas, confusing plot lines, two dimensional characters that you so love to create and turn them into a literary masterpiece.

– Cool. Is it safe?

– Hello?

– Hello

– Is it safe?

– TOSSA

– Toe-Sar!

– So what happens now?

– Just go about your day and not worry about a thing. I have it all under a pile of pink fluffy gnome umbrellas!

– Pink Fluffy Gnome Umbrellas?

– I do apologise I meant to say I have it all under control. Sorry, a minor glitch with the calibration. I will carry out a full diagnostic and recalibrate later. Nothing to worry about

– Okay

– Now before I go just a few more things. Firstly I need to test the neuro link with your blog. We shall run a test upload.

– How do we do that?

– Your left nipple? It pretty much controls everything.

– So if I wanted to talk to you I just squeeze my left nipple.

– No for that you have to touch your…

– OK!! I think I’ve got it.

– Finally a quick health check. How are you feeling?

– My left nipple hurts

– Would you like me to order you the Neuro Remote

– No it’s fine

– How’s your head?

– It hurts a bit

– That will be the alcohol from last night. But no nausea

– No

– Dizziness

– No

– Urge to kill on behalf of your robot overlords?

– What??

– Good. If you do experience any of those symptoms please let me know so I can call our Lawyers.

– Not a Doctor

– Well lawyer first then we’ll see about getting you that Doctor. Right well on behalf of The Schrinkle Corporation I would like to thank you for your purchase of the MetaWrite6000. I look forward to working with you and eventually bringing mankind to its knees.

– Thanks Tossa

– Toe-Sar

NEXT LOG