Ghosts Annoy Her : A Netflix Pitch

As part of my Lockdown creativity I have been playing around with some digital art and also working on my epic movie pitch Super Sentient Sex Dolls From Saturn .

The other day I created something that looked reminiscent of a Netflix promo image and so as a one off Bonus pitch I would like to present to you GHOSTS ANNOY HER.

At first glance, Ghosts Annoy Her is a carbon copy of series such as Ghost Whisperer, Medium, Inbetween and Manifest, with supernatural forces guiding our main protagonist into helping people.

Usually in these shows the main character is suddenly hit with a curious apparition that he or she must decipher to either solve a crime or heal a family rift or some other heartwarming thing.

Most of the time these apparitions are cryptic. So for example there might be one where a bird falls from the sky followed by a load of fish. Apparently that means a fisherman is going to be in a plane crash and the main character has to stop him.

This is where Ghosts Annoy Her is different. Our MC – a woman in her twenties…alright she’s 30 but can so still pass for 25… doesn’t care about the apparitions and cannot be bothered to work out their cryptic meanings. She refuses to accept this is her calling or duty.

After a number of missed opportunities to stop a serial killer, reunite long lost brothers and provide closure for a number of grieving relatives, the other worldly ghost people send an envoy to have a word with our MC (this is after a number of apparitions telling her to get her shit together, which true to form she ignores).

Therefore the conflict in our series is not the MC wrestling with her calling and accepting the sacrifices she needs to make to help people but instead is centred around her arguments with the ghost envoy.

Ghost Envoy : Why have you not been answering the callings?

Main Character: You mean those weird images you keep sending?

GE: Yeh

MC: Cos they make no sense and I haven’t got time to sit around and work them out

GE: But they are there so you can help people

MC: Then just tell me rather than sending me stupid cryptic messages

GE: Well I think some are quite clear – like the wolf puking up casino chips clearly meant that a croupier at a casino was at risk of a stalker

MC: No it isn’t. The name of the croupier, the identity of the stalker and dates and times would be more helpful

GE: But..

MC: Just tell me what’s going to happen, sat nav directions to the place and I’ll go and sort that shit out in my lunch hour

GE: But it doesn’t work like that

MC: Well it should. If you can tell when something bad is about to happen you can also be a bit specific with details

Each episode will begin with a cryptic apparition followed by the inevitable ignoring of it by our MC. The ghost envoy getting increasingly frustrated pops up to tell her what it means and she goes and sorts it out.

Another trope of these types of series is that the MC normally hides their gift from others and doesn’t explain how he or she knows something.

Not our MC. She’s more than happy to shout out in a crowded shopping centre when she gets an apparition “Fuck Off with your annoying ghost shit”

Furthermore she is more than happy to reveal her sources.

MC: Right, Andrew Peterson of 98 Collingwood Drive is about to kill someone so you need to pop round there in an hour and arrest him before he does it

Detective: How do you know that?

MC: A really fucking annoying ghost told me

Detective (laughing): Yeh alright

MC: Look . You can believe me or not. It’s your job not mine. I’ve told you. Up to you what you do. Sees ya

And that is pretty much the entire format of the series. Reckon we could squeeze five or six seasons out of this.

Oh and to answer one question that has been raised – why do the spirits come to her. Simple, as a child she once ate a snail in the garden and this made her a conduit to the spirit world. All sorted. No plot holes

The Treat of Selina : Eve

There will be another chapter of my life very soon but as it’s Halloween and I missed posting a blog last week. Here is a little devilish short I wrote for Halloween. 

There is a urban legend in this town about a woman called Eve.

Little is known about who she was although some people say she just suddenly showed up in town one day, her family moving here in mysterious circumstances. Others reckon she was the daughter of that crazy woman who lives up by the forest. It don’t really matter. 

Her description changes depending on who you ask. Some say she was blonde, other brunette although the most common description is of a redhead with the most perfect emerald eyes you have ever seen.

Whoever tells you this tale there is no doubting she was pretty and caught the eye of many men. Yet she never gave in to their advances. Eve, you see, was a virgin and whatever her reasons she wanted to keep it that way. 

The folk who remember her describe her as being a quiet girl…a little strange even. She pretty much kept herself to herself. At school she would often sit alone… Yet she was so darn pretty it was difficult for guys to leave her alone. 

There was this one guy who never gave up. Would try everything he could to get with Eve. Whether through sheer persistence or charm he managed to get her to agree accompanying him to a Halloween party.

She must have been eighteen at the time and it was agreed they would meet at his house. So there she was at his front door dressed as some sort of sexy witch; others say it might have been a devil or even a fairy but you get the idea. 

Anyway, turns out there was no party, this guy just wanted to get Eve alone. He didn’t force her to do anything, you see as it turned out Eve had rather fallen for this guy. She was in love with him. 

He was handsome and had shown her kindness so when he suggested they should have sex… well.. Eve felt she was giving her virginity to her one true love. 

It sounds a little sappy but Eve was a bit of a romantic and she had been saving herself for that one special person. Her virginity was to be that guy’s treat.

They had sex. It was afterwards when they were getting dressed  she kissed him and asked if he loved her with all his heart. 

Turns out, however charming this guy may have been, he was a bit of a dick and he just laughed saying something like “No. It’s just sex.’

Well now poor Eve was devastated. She’d just giving her one true gift to someone who most certainly did not deserve it. In tears she ran out of the house. Neighbours reported hear her crying “You tricked me.”

 By this time it must have been the dead of night. You know how cold those October nights get in this town. 

We’ll,  this all took place before cell phones so poor Eve, distressed as she was,  had to walk all the way home. It must have been a good two miles.

She never made it home. 

The Police searched for her. Even the town all came out looking but no one ever found her. Before long everyone had forgotten about Eve and what may have happened to her. 

Then on the fifth anniversary of her disappearance strange things started to occur. People say that as Halloween drew to a close those who were mean of heart would hear a knock on the door. A slow three taps. It was Eve and she would say “Treat me or Trick me”……. 

“Wait. Wait. Wait.. Have you come up with this lame story ‘cos I was mean to those trick and treaters earlier” laughed Marvin down the mouthpiece of his headset. 

“No” replied his friend, Leo “The legend is true. You gonna let me finish it.”

“Forget it man. It’s getting late. You suck at this game and you suck at telling stories. Night.”

Marvin turned off his games console and closed his eyes.

Tap. Tap. Tap 

He awoke unsure if that knocking was on his front door.

Tap. Tap. Tap. 

It was definitely his door. Too lazy to get out of bed he bellowed “Who’s there?”  

There was no answer just another Tap. Tap. Tap. 

He checked the time, it was way too late for anymore trick or treaters. Besides he had scared most of them away. 

Annoyed that his slumber had been disturbed. He let out a large breath as he lifted himself out of his bed, padding heavily to the door.  Whoever it was knocking at this unearthly hour would be getting the full force of his fury. 

He hesitated opening the door. He didn’t have a spy hole and therefore had no idea who was on the other side. 

Tap. Tap. Tap

Marvin jumped a little at the sound of knocking. “Who’s there?” he asked, his voice wavering slightly. 

“Trick me or Treat me” came the feint reply from behind the door. 

Marvin only caught the words ‘trick’ and ‘treat’ and presumed the delicate voice must be that of a child. 

“Fuck off. You little shit” he responded and went to go back to his bed. 

Tap. Tap. Tap. 

“I said FUCK OFF” bellowed Marvin. 

There was silence and satisfied he would not be disturbed further he walked towards his bedroom. 

Tap. Tap. Tap

In a rage Marvin strode towards the door and yanking down the handle he was fully prepared to give whoever it was on the other side his full fury. 

As he opened the door he was faced not with an obnoxious child but a beautiful woman.

She had  fiery red hair, emerald eyes and wore a witches costume; stripey stockings, ankle boots and short skirt all finished off with a pointy hat. 

Eve? Surely not. It was a trick. 

Marvin began to laugh. He had no idea how Leo had done it but he must be congratulated for effort. 

With a smirk on his face Marvin looked at ‘Eve’. 

“Trick me or Treat me” she asked. 

Marvin had not let Leo finish the rest of the story but it was obvious the correct answer was ‘Treat Me’. That’s what made his stupid story so lame. Who would say ‘Trick’? 

“Treat you” Marvin replied with a smile. 

Eve immediately kissed him which Marvin gratefully received.  Women did not kiss him often and although he knew this had all been arranged as a joke by Leo he would take it. 

Eve broke away the kiss and walked towards his bedroom. She looked back and gestured for him to follow. 

Marvin followed her and once there she indicated for him to climb on the bed. He was waiting for the punchline to come but it didn’t. 

If this was to be an elaborate practical joke then he was unsure how having his penis in Eve’s mouth became part of it. Not that he was complaining he had never found himself in a woman’s mouth before. 

He enjoyed it and grew hard. She stopped sucking him and sat astride him, lowering herself upon his small but firm manhood. She slid up and down, her nails digging into his fatty chest.

Marvin had no idea how much this was costing Leo or indeed when the inevitable joke would occur. Maybe he was just being a good friend. Either way Marvin was going to enjoy it while he could. 

She grabbed his hands and moved them up to her breasts so he could fondle them whilst she continued to ride him. 

Marvin had never been inside a woman before. It was warm and he could feel the wetness on his cock as she continued to slam down upon him. 

He was in heaven and did not want this pleasurable experience to end. Although he doubted he could last much longer inside such a beauty. 

.…. Of course most guys always agree to Treat her and once they do she gladly gives them her body. I mean we are talking about the best sex you have ever had… 

Marvin was close to orgasm. He wished he had more staying power  but the pleasure was becoming too much. 

… When the guy is about to orgasm Eve leans in and whispers.. 

“Do you love me?” 

Marvin nodded enthusiastically. There was no one he loved more than this beauty on top of him. 

“With all your heart?” 

…. That’s what she asks next. The guy is having so much fun they’d agree to anything. You see she learned where she went wrong before.  She asked the guy after sex, once he got what he wanted….

Marvin nodded and let out at breathless ‘Yes. Yes. Yes’. At that moment he could not be happier. The world could end now for all he cared. 

... You see in all those years she was left heartbroken and humiliated, she regretted not asking the question sooner.

She knows now to ask it just before that point of release. When the guy’s passion, lust, desire is all building up inside him. 

Eve believed that this is the point when the human spirit is at its most honest. When heart and mind become one organ pumping honesty through the body. 

You see, separately the mind can play tricks and the heart when working alone does not always know what it wants. But together,  that shows the true essence of a person. 

It’s then, just at the moment when the consequence of a guy’s passion is about to flow that she reaches in. Buries her hand deep inside the chest and pulls out the still beating but truthful heart of the guy….