The last part ended with Duprez rushing to the bowling alley in his Yugo.
To really ramp up the tension what we need to do is add a few scenes before Duprez gets the call of a squirrel disturbance.
In these scenes we will see a bunch of random people enjoying themselves at the Mother/Daughter bowling tournament. The mere fact we are paying attention to anybody here is a clear signpost that they are all going to die.
So we have the elderly mother and daughter couple. The daughter is 80 and the mother is 105 and they were at the very first Mother/Daughter bowling tournament; indeed they won it in 1972. Anyhow, they are going to be killed by squirrels.
Next you have a touching scene where a daughter tells her mother that she loves her very much. The mother holding a bowling ball turns and smiles, it’s a loving smile. Then a squirrel emerges from the bowling ball machine and pierces the mother’s head with its horn. Heartbreaking stuff.
We do of course need a loveable fat guy. I’m acutely aware there has been no loveable fat guy in this movie. Let’s change that by introducing Al. He works at the bowling place. Everybody loves Al.
Al tries to save everyone by grabbing the shot gun he keeps under his desk (no one has ever questioned why he has a gun at a bowling alley). Anyway he shoots a few squirrel bastards before ushering a number of patrons to safety into a store cupboard.
Locking the door he turns to utter the words ‘We’ll be safe in here’, right before numerous squirrel horns shoot through the wooden door and spear him to death.
Poor Al. He only had a few days left to retire before he can devote more time to that orphanage he was building.
As we know Duprez’s ex wife and daughter are at the bowling alley. Also there is Derek. You remember Derek, right? Loyal , loving Derek who has provided a stable home to Duprez’s ex wife and daughter.
Now he could be at home watching sports or be out with the boys drinking. Yet he has chosen to pop along to the bowling alley to support the love of his life. What a nice guy. Yet you’re still not going to give a shit when he dies.
But how are Duprez’s ex wife and daughter fairing in this squirrel onslaught? Surprisingly well.
Whilst others run for their lives they have the wherewithal to knock out a few squirrel bastards with hefty swings of a bowling ball.
Yep. Poor Al couldn’t see those squirrels off with a shotgun but a forty year old mother and her teenage daughter can get the job done with a bowling ball (a 12 pound one if you’re interested).
Strangely, the squirrels had been launching at people with pinpoint accuracy yet when it comes to Duprez’s ex wife and daughter they keep on missing.
Finally, Duprez enters the bowling alley. Despite agreeing to protect the entire town he’s more concerned with the welfare of his ex wife and daughter. No one seems to care much about that and are happy another guy has turned up with a gun (the other gun owner, Al, is presently hanging from the door like a macabre pin the tail on the donkey).
Duprez’s ex wife and daughter are both very happy to see Duprez. This proves that even if you are an absolute dick if you try to save someone during a squirrel apocalypse that’ll make you an okay guy.
However , these squirrels are cunning bastards. They circle around Duprez, his ex wife and daughter. This is strange because they could just all launch at them, giving them zero chance of survival. But now they are doing this stalking thing…..it’s for dramatic effect.
Duprez and co are in danger. Can anyone save them? Well Bland (remember him? No didn’t think so) tries to help. He got the call to assist and left his pregnant girlfriend at home. She told him to come back in one piece. He promised. The squirrels rip him in two. Therefore, not only did Bland not do very well at saving anyone, he lied to his pregnant girlfriend.
The squirrels approach the trapped Duprez family. He’s out of bullets. The ex wife has thrown the bowling ball (her motive remains unclear).
Unarmed. No where to go. Who will save them?
Derek. That’s who . Derek will save them.
He jumps in between them and waves a pole at the squirrels. Turning back he tells the previously trapped Duprez clan to run.
Now Duprez ought to be saying ‘No Derek I am employed to look after all residents including you. You go’
But he doesn’t. He grabs his ex wife and daughter and runs out of the bowling alley while Derek bravely fends off the squirrels.
The ex wife looks back to see the squirrels pounce on Derek. She screams and Duprez pulls her to the car saying there is nothing that can be done for him (you didn’t really try Duprez).
Poor Derek. Died saving the woman he loves….. You still don’t give a shit he’s dead.
They reach Duprez’s Yugo and get inside but they are not alone. Squirrels surround the car. A few take a shot at the vehicle piercing the metal. There is no escape. A violent and bloody death is inevitable.
Then suddenly they stop. The squirrels stand on their hind legs… something is calling them, but what?
They all begin to run away. Where are they going? Duprez wants to find out and decides that his ex wife and daughter are safer with him following every single one of the killer Unicorned Squirrels than maybe back at the police station or somewhere.
Soon Duprez realises where the squirrels are heading…. The Secret Astrological Research Centre.
All will be revealed.
Thought I would have finished by now. Never! Up next is the curiously named Portal
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