And so here it is, the finale.
We’ve experienced so much – characters that no one cares about, random sex, gratuitous violence and confusing plot holes.
But all these ill thought out threads now weave themselves into the tapestry I like to call ‘The Conclusion’.
The enormous Overlord Unicorned Squirrel is making its way to earth. If he or she – let’s not go assuming a murderous horned squirrel’s gender now – arrives it will be armageddon.
Can Melissa and Sophie turn off the portal to prevent this monster from entering the earth’s atmosphere?
Well they try.
Recovering surprisingly quickly from witnessing the brutal death of her father she had literally just been reunited with after many long years, Sophie springs into action to turn off the portal.
Now I’m guessing that no actual scientists will watch this movie so we can have Sophie say all manner of crazy shit that actually makes no sense.
Here’s the dialogue:-
Melissa: What are we going to do?
Sophie: If I can reverse the polarity and reduce the quantum flux then perhaps the gravitational constant will cause the portal to fall in on itself. But I’ll need you to control the heliocentric ionosphere.
Melissa: Great let’s do that
See putting together science type words randomly in a sentence works. Unless someone sits down and actually studies the dialogue we ought to get away with it.
Melissa and Sophie begin to shut down the portal, but wait, Schrinkle is awake! What maniacal thing is he about to do?
He crawls slowly to the machine and reaching out his mechanical hand he….. switches the machine off. Oh, the devilish Professor Schrinkle.
Melissa and Sophie look perplexed and then suddenly Schrinkle’s skeletal hand grabs at Sophie’s leg.
We cut away from this tense scene to see what Duprez is up to. He’s merrily chasing the horde of squirrels in his Yugo.
They reach a cornfield and the trail goes cold. Where have the squirrels gone? Duprez stops the car and turns off the engine. The headlights dimly illuminating the cornfield.
Then the squirrels emerge from the corn, circling the Yugo, ready to rip the occupants to shreds. Despite the car working perfectly all week and only recently having a full service the car will not start. They are trapped! They are at the mercy of the squirrels.
Duprez checks his gun, just one clip of ammo left and hundreds of squirrels. He’s still going to give it a go because Duprez don’t give a shit.
The squirrels get ready to pounce but then….. the army arrive! Thankfully there is a fully operational army base just the other side of the cornfield and they come with tanks and machine guns and blast the squirrel bastards.
Yep, this town also has its own army. It really is a wonderful place to live.
We keep cutting back and forth between scenes of the army slaughtering the squirrels and Schrinkle and Sophie fighting.
She’s kicking at him and he’s just taking the opportunity to grope at her ass and tits. Meanwhile, Melissa works out that Schrinkle turned the machine off and sets about switching it back on.
However, there are squirrels blocking the switch. Back and forth the action goes of soldiers v squirrels, Sophie v Schrinkle and Melissa booting some squirrels out the way so she can get to the switch.
How long these scenes go on for is largely dependent on how much more runtime we have left to fill.
It concludes with the army vanquishing the squirrels, Sophie smashing Schrinkle’s face in with her stilettos (the ultra skin tight space suit has stilettos) and Melissa turning the switch back on.
But as the machine powers back up Schrinkle, a bloody mess, laughs and says “You’re too late. It’s entered the earth’s atmosphere. You’ve lost”.
Now we’ve covered a lot of deep and meaningful themes in this movie. Possibly, we could bring some political intrigue into this movie.
We move to the White House where the President of the United States of America has just been informed of the pending invasion of the Overlord Unicorned Squirrel.
President: We must nuke the bastard
Random staff member: Sir, we don’t have any nuclear weapons.
RSM: Well they are quite dangerous and expensive to have around so we actually haven’t had any for years and we just say that we have. No one has ever really questioned us actually owning any.
President: So we don’t have nukes?
RSM: No, Sir
President (on telephone): Get me Britain…… Hey Prime Minister you heard about this gigantic monster
Prime Minister: Oh yes. Such a brute. We have had an emergency meeting where it was agreed that Beatrix Potter had lied to us.
President: You going to nuke it?
Prime Minister: Oh heavens no. Such frightful things those nuclear weapons. No, we have never had any.
President: What the hell do you keep in those subs then?
Prime Minister: Oh just old souvenirs from previous Royal Weddings. But we have a plan.
President: Which is?
Prime Minister: We shall wait for it to arrive and tell it to jolly well bugger off. If that does not work we intend to throw rocks at it.
President (to random staff member): What about anyone else? The EU?
RSM: They need all member states to agree on a motion that they will have a look around the place to see if they could find nuclear weapons. A meeting is scheduled for next Wednesday… although France said they might not be able to make it.
President: North Korea?
RSM: They said ‘nah we’ve just been shitting with you, mate’
RSM: They pretended to be an answerphone message but we could hear them giggling.
President: So there’s no one?
RSM: I’m afraid not sir
President: Then God help us all
We watch as the monstrous, evil Overlord Unicorned Squirrel hurtles towards earth.
Close ups of helpless faces of our main characters, scenes of people watching this terrible event unfold on televisions all across the world.
This is it. The end. The earth will perish at the hands of a rather large squirrel.
All hope is lost. No one can save us.
WHAMMMM!!! Out of nowhere a red Tesla Roadster slams into the Overlord Squirrel moving him away from the earth.
We are saved…..by Elon Musk.
So, someone needs to let Elon know that a movie has been written where he saves the world. He’s got stacks of cash and will fund this shit, no question.
The movie concludes with joyous scenes as the world celebrates it will not become a large squirrel’s bitch.
Duprez hugs his ex wife and daughter. Yes, near armageddon is enough to make her forget he is a total dick.
Finally, Melissa and Sophie kiss passionately and in that moment Sophie forgets that the skewered corpse of her father lay only inches away from her. Epic music and the sound of a mechanical arm going up and down plays over their passionate kissing.
Roll end credits.
Of course we need an end credits scene so picture this….
Deep space. Silent. We hear the echoing sounds of Space Oddity and slowly into view comes the Roadster with the Overlord Squirrel wrapped round the bumper. It looks dead. Then, suddenly it opens its eyes.
And then back to a list of people who unashamedly made this movie
At the end the obligatory ‘No squirrels were harmed in the making of this movie (even though they are bastards)’.
Followed up with Unicorned Squirrels will return in ‘Hiberannihilation’
Sad that it’s over? Well there are a few more Squirrel posts for you to enjoy!
Cool Character Concepts drawn by the talented Robert Ahmad.
Or perhaps you are wondering what happened to Doll? All is revealed in this Deleted Scene
Maybe you want to see the Trailer