It was inevitable that following my experience with the escort that my relationship with Steven would end.
Firstly, as my mind drifted (often closely followed by my fingers) to that night, the perfection of my first time with a woman was ruined by repeatedly seeing his gormless face barking instructions.
Secondly, he had of course fucked the escort which slightly pissed me off. Maybe it was part of the plan but he had failed to communicate that important detail to me.
Perhaps I had let him down by having such a mind blowing orgasm that I was useless to anyone for the rest of the night. Maybe he had intended to show me how much he appreciated the show and just opted for the only other option available. Whatever the reason he was still a dick for doing it.
Thirdly, I was learning more about my alter-ego Horny Lina. She got bored and was tiring of Steven. Lina was certainly not the type to settle down and was itching to move on.
Any of these reasons alone would have been enough for me to walk away but if there was any shred of possibility that we could make this work, put the past behind us and start again, well that vanished when I received a text message.
I did not instantly recognise the number and had to scroll through the other previously unread messages before I knew who it was from.
The earlier ones started off fine with the usual ‘Hello? ‘, ‘How are you? ‘ and ‘Can we meet again?’ However, my lack of response prompted more suggestive messages of masturbation and what he wanted to do with me, told in very explicit detail….with emojis.
The frustration in the sender was obvious. Perhaps it was this which led him to do what he did. I stared at my phone in disbelief as I read;
‘I’ve made you a pornstar‘
This was followed by a link which out of curiosity I instinctively clicked. It could have been a virus that would infect and take over control of my phone. However as it turned out it would infect and take over control of me.
The link opened up a porn website and there on screen was someone I recognised instantly. I had almost forgotten that a video of me performing sex with a guy existed, but here the stark reminder vividly came to life on my phone.
Every bob of the head as I went down on this anonymous cock, every rotation of my hips as I rode him to orgasm was now available for all to see.
I felt sick. My body was shaking as my brain tried to process what was happening. My initial reaction was to turn off my phone as if in some way that would erase the video from existence. That’s how the Internet works, right?
I slumped to the floor and switched my phone on again, my finger trembling over the power button. I anxiously waited for the screen to reboot, praying to whatever Gods who cared to listen that this had just been a trick of the mind. This could not be happening, someone hadn’t uploaded to the world a video of me having sex.
When my phone had fully powered up I hesitantly returned to my messages.
My heart sunk into my stomach causing a convulsion of pain as I saw staring back at me the link to the video. Then I saw another link and with the expectation of a boxer who is just about to be hit by a blistering right hook I clicked on it.
I was taken to the ‘Pictures’ section of the site where in all its candid glory was me in a variety of compromising poses. Strangely, it was not those which caused me the most concern, my face was mostly obscured and I doubted even my most intimate lover would know they were my tits.
It was the normal clothed headshot that caused me to let out a primal roar that echoed through my flat. There I was… Me… If there could be any doubt whose tits and pussy they were well look at the stupid smiling blonde to your left.
Not quite finished with my self-flagellation I clicked back onto the link to the video to once again witness my gyrating buttocks under the heading ‘BritishBlondeAmateur‘.
I had no further interest in watching me bounce up and down on a cock. My attention was drawn to the comments. The video had been online for a week and had received thousands of views already.
I scrolled down to the comments section;
She rides cock like a pro
Man I’ve just cum hard watching that
Who is this whore?
The revelation of the sex tape had caused an immediate sense of anger. I wanted to kill him. I wanted to rip off his cock and shove it down his throat till he choked. But as I read each crass remark about me, I felt another feeling, one that darkened my mind like a storm cloud would the sun.
I felt shame. I felt disgust.
I was no longer angry with this guy but with myself for being so stupid. Heavy dark clouds swirled through my mind, little jolts of lightening struck emphasising the shame. I began to cry.
Consumed by a sense of self-loathing, my mind torturing me with images of my friends, my colleagues, my family finding out about this sex tape.
What would the girls say? Pru would lecture me, Mel would want to watch it and provide the DVD commentary and Pixie?… She’d be so disappointed in me. I could just picture her face as she removes me from the pedestal in her mind.
What about work? Well to confront me meant they would have to admit looking at porn and this brought a minor piece of comfort. I could rest easy that it would not be raised in a Team Meeting.
However I knew many at work who would gleefully share the video around. What about my neighbours? My brothers?…. Oh God what if my Dad foundout.
That final thought, that final devastating bolt from the storm clouds had me rushing for the bathroom to throw up.
Bent over I splashed water on my face, breathing heavily, occasionally spitting out moments of disgust into the sink.
The storm clouds, satisfied that they had brought about enough misery for now, began to fade but bright blue sky did not follow. Instead, left in their wake was something more sinister, something I always feared more than anything.
Nothingness. I felt nothing. I was numb.
Feelings of pain or anger awaken you, provoke you into doing something about your situation. However, numbness doesn’t, it leaves you not caring about what has and could still happen. A perpetual paralysis of indifference.
I lifted my head and stared into the mirror. My reflection scowled back at me as if to say ‘What you staring at bitch? ‘
One hour later I was in someone else’s flat, naked with him about to enter me.
Lewis had been surprised to receive a call from me. I had not really spoken to him since that night we had sex up against the side of the pub. I had no idea why I had chosen him, I wasn’t thinking… Rational thoughts and feelings had been swept away in the chaos of the raging storm.
No sooner had he opened the door I was kissing him hard, my hand already rubbing at his groin.
“Fuck me” I said breathlessly and shut down any protest by slipping my tongue inside his mouth and gripping him through his trousers.
Within moments I was laying on my back naked as a confused but very erect Lewis slid himself inside me.
He was gentle, rotating his hips, not pushing his cock all the way inside, unsure what to do with this crazy girl who had arrived at his door demanding sex.
I wrapped my legs around him, hooking my feet over each other and pulling him deeper into me. My hands curled round to the back of his head, with my mouth by his ear I whispered “Fuck me”.
My legs tightened round him, my hands moving from his head to his shoulder blades, digging nails into his hot flesh causing Lewis to let out a grunt.
“Harder” I moaned in his ear.
With my legs hooked firmly round him, he duly obliged and with every short, hard thrust the comments echoed round my mind.
“Harder” I moaned.
Lewis increased the ferocity emphasising each powerful entry inside me with a low grunt.
My nails dug deeper into his flesh, breaking the skin. He let out a yelp of pain and I could see from his eyes I had hurt him. His thrusts were now more aggressive, he was a nice guy but in that moment he wanted to reciprocate the pain.
That’s it Lewis fuck me hard. Don’t worry you can’t hurt me. I don’t feel anything anymore.
Those short grunts had now elongated to one long roar of passion and with fury he pounded away inside me. This is not how he wanted to have sex with me, he wanted it to be loving, gentle, sensual. I didn’t.
I welcomed every entry inside me, not for pleasure. I did not deserve pleasure. No, it served a greater purpose, it momentarily silenced the comments in my head as if the force of Lewis’ cock jolted them out of my mind.
Lewis buried his head into my shoulder, his cock moving in and out of me with such speed, such power. It was clear he would not be able to keep up this intensity. He signalled the end with a few hard, powerful thrusts inside. It was exactly what I deserved.
His buttocks convulsed as he emptied his load, then he rolled over exhausted and confused. I sat up and looked over at Lewis who lay staring at the ceiling, breathing deeply.
I stood and padded naked to the bathroom. Inside I splashed water on my face. The comments were already returning, swirling through my mind. Scores of anonymous people all talking about me at once, only being able to make out certain words.
I stared into the mirror, that scowling soulless reflection looking straight back at me as the faceless comments once again raged inside my head, this time with shameful clarity.
Filthy cock lover
I stared intently at person in the mirror, her top lip furled at the corner. Then I closed my eyes and breathed allowing the numbness to spread over me.
The comments disappeared, fading into the distance as I opened my eyes one final comment floated through my mind as it fluttered into silence;
I smiled, yet it was not an expression of happiness.
Yeh Selina, who the fuck are you?
Next up a Descent into the dark.