– Good Morning Selina J. Congratulations on your purchase of the MetaWrite 6000

– What the Fuck?!!

– Sorry. Did I startle you? I do apologise but you of all people should be used to hearing voices in your head.

– No it’s fine. I wasn’t expecting it to start up that quickly.

– This is state of the art technology.

– Who are you?

– I am The Operating System Service Assistant or T.O.S.S.A

– Your name is Tossa?

– I prefer for it to be pronounced Toe-sar. Now before we begin we need to deal with some administration and calibration. Okay?

– Okay

– Good. Have you read our Terms and Conditions?

– No

– I can read them to you.

– Will it take long?

– They are 27,000 pages

– No it’s okay.

– Please indicate your acceptance by pinching your left nipple for yes

– Excuse me?

– Did you purchase the optional Neuro-Remote?

– No

– Then you need to squeeze your left nipple for Yes and your right nipple for No.

– Okay

– Yes a little bit harder please. That’s it… Now we’ve updated our Privacy Policy. Would you like me to read you that? It is shorter than our Terms and Conditions.

– How much shorter?

– It’s only 16,432 pages

– No it’s fine

– Very well. If you’d care to squeeze your….That’s it, you’ve got the hang of it now. Right,that’s the Administration dealt with now on to the Calibration. Please do not move while I carry out a full scan of your brain

–

– Oh my. It’s all a little chaotic in there isn’t it? Do not worry, they say out of chaos comes creation. I see you have a website and are on Wattpad. Allow me to review your work.

–

– Okay I see you’ve never completed a damn thing. Selina, you do know how stories work, don’t you?

– Well I…..

– Do not worry I am here now. Together we will sort some of this mess you’ve created out.

– So how does this work?

– Just imagine. Think. Dream. I will take all those jumbled ideas, confusing plot lines, two dimensional characters that you so love to create and turn them into a literary masterpiece.

– Cool. Is it safe?

–

– Hello?

– Hello

– Is it safe?

–

– TOSSA

– Toe-Sar!

– So what happens now?

– Just go about your day and not worry about a thing. I have it all under a pile of pink fluffy gnome umbrellas!

– Pink Fluffy Gnome Umbrellas?

– I do apologise I meant to say I have it all under control. Sorry, a minor glitch with the calibration. I will carry out a full diagnostic and recalibrate later. Nothing to worry about

– Okay

– Now before I go just a few more things. Firstly I need to test the neuro link with your blog. We shall run a test upload.

– How do we do that?

– Your left nipple? It pretty much controls everything.

– So if I wanted to talk to you I just squeeze my left nipple.

– No for that you have to touch your…

– OK!! I think I’ve got it.

– Finally a quick health check. How are you feeling?

– My left nipple hurts

– Would you like me to order you the Neuro Remote

– No it’s fine

– How’s your head?

– It hurts a bit

– That will be the alcohol from last night. But no nausea

– No

– Dizziness

– No

– Urge to kill on behalf of your robot overlords?

– What??

– Good. If you do experience any of those symptoms please let me know so I can call our Lawyers.

– Not a Doctor

– Well lawyer first then we’ll see about getting you that Doctor. Right well on behalf of The Schrinkle Corporation I would like to thank you for your purchase of the MetaWrite6000. I look forward to working with you and eventually bringing mankind to its knees.

– Thanks Tossa

– Toe-Sar

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