The Legend of The Toonidunzas: Pre-Title Opening Scene

Right, listen I get that none of my other pitches have yet been made into movies (probably due to the pandemic or something) but this one has it all – Romance, Suspense, Horror, Dark Comedy, Myths, Legends. Everything.

Throw in a few songs and probably could legit call it a musical. See what that Lin-Manuel Miranda fella is up to. Everyone is banging on about “We Don’t Talk About Bruno” wait till they hear “The Testicle Song”.

Anyway so we open in a modern day eating establishment – it’s bright, clean, happy atmosphere; basically the opposite of a Wetherspoons.

We follow a a young attractive couple as they happily and very much lovingly walk through the door and towards a table. She’s all lovely and pretty and he is all chiselled and hunky.

One of the seats at their table is already occupied but a heavy set elderly lady wearing a smart outfit and a nice hat. They all exchange pleasantries and we learn this woman is Auntie Pat.

A brief fade and we rejoin them tucking into their main course (for those who demand detail and back story they ordered from the set menu cos Auntie Pat had a Groupon voucher)

It’s during the meal we experience the first moment of unbearable tension. If you need it sooner then the hunky guy…. Let’s call him Peter Collingwood … tried to order from the main menu and not the set menu and Auntie Pat weren’t having any of it.

Nevertheless here’s how we build tension with dialogue :-

PETER: Well it’s great to finally meet the infamous Auntie Pat. Sarah has told me so much about you

AUNTIE PAT: Has she? She has told me nothing about you Mr Collingwood

PETER: Really? [To Sarah] have you been keeping me a secret? [To Auntie Pat] Well ask me anything you want to know

AUNTIE PAT: Oh I don’t need to ask you anything. I know everything about you. I make it my business to find out who seeks to steal the heart of my delightful niece. I care about her. I care about all my nieces you see Mr Collingwood.

PETER (laughing nervously): Really? What do you know

AUNTIE PAT: I know you are one of three siblings . The middle child born to a Mother who was a teacher and a Father who was an accountant. You were educated privately yet obtained disappointing results in any exam you have taken but fortunately for you your father’s connections has secured you a very well paid role in a merchant bank.

You met my niece on August 13th in a sports bar. She was minding her own business and you were there for leaving drinks. Two weeks prior to that date a woman named Francesca posted an eight tweet thread on what a horrible experience she had with you. I have the entire transcript in my handbag if you care for me to read it out loud.

SARAH: Auntie Pat…. Enough…. You’re embarrassing him

PETER: It’s quite alright. I admire someone who cares about someone so much. (coughs) If you will excuse me for a moment

We follow Peter as he goes to the restroom. He is muttering “Fucking crazy woman!” as he enters the furthest cubicle. Whilst relieving himself he says “What you doing Peter? Yeh Sarah is hot but not hot enough to put up with that fucking psycho woman”

He finishes, zips himself up, pulls the chain and opens the cubicle door to be confronted by Auntie Pat (cue sneaky jump scare incidental music)

PETER: What the hell are you doing in here?

AUNTIE PAT: We didn’t finish our conversation Mr Collingwood. Shall we? [Pushing him back into the cubicle]

As I was saying you met my niece on August 13th and within a few weeks can be described as officially dating or whatever term one uses for that nowadays.

Yet despite this clear confirmation of your desire to be with my niece all your dating profiles remained active. A total of 78 messages sent to other women despite your oath to date my niece

PETER: Oath? What the….

AUNTIE PAT: This unpleasant behaviour culminated in you, under the appallingly named pseudonym Big Dog seven four zero six, sending some unsuspecting lady a message on social media explaining in rather clumsy detail what you would like to do to her. That is not the sort of behaviour one would expect from someone who is dating my niece

PETER: Well it has nothing to do with you

AUNTIE PAT: Oh but you see it does Mr Collingwood. The happiness and well-being of all my nieces is my main priority. It troubles me when I learn of such behaviour that may bring harm to one of them

PETER: FINE! I’m sorry okay. It won’t happen again. I just got a little … you know… with waiting

AUNTIE PAT: I’m afraid I don’t know Mr Collingwood and we are beyond empty apologies

PETER: What do you want me to do?!!

AUNTIE PAT: We are a proud family Mr Collingwood. Steeped in tradition. We live by a code that we and generations before us have followed. You swore and oath to my niece. You have broken that oath and therefore breached the code and as such there are reparations to pay.

PETER: Oath? Code? Reparations? You’re fucking crazy! Fuck this. This ain’t worth it. Fine! You win! I will leave her alone. I will not bother her again.

(Auntie Pat turns to face the door, her hand on the handle. Behind her Peter is still mumbling obscenities. She closes her eyes and we glimpse a knife as she begins to pull it out from her jacket. She begins to chant)

AUNTIE PAT: Mare Ree Bare Rees Vikt Ore Ria Spun Jer

It’s gets louder

Mare Ree Bare Rees Vikt Ore Ria Spun Jer

Louder

Mare Ree Bare Rees Vikt Ore Ria Spun Jer

She spins round to face Peter who sees the knife. There is fear in his eyes

The chanting gets louder and it seems others have joined in

Mare Ree Bare Rees Vikt Ore Ria Spun Jet

And… we cut back to the restaurant where Sarah is there sipping her wine. Auntie Pat rejoins her and sits down

SARAH: Everything okay?

AUNTIE PAT: Yes dear. I’m afraid Peter won’t be returning to join us. I’m sorry my dear but he breached the code and reparations were due.

We see Auntie Pat place two bloody testicles on the side plate

AUNTIE PAT: Now., now did you want dessert?

SARAH: No thank you Auntie Pat

(Optional Dialogue- AUNTIE PAT: Good cos the sticky toffee pudding was not on the set menu)

We cut to a small island. Proper drone shot swooping in to a field where stands a giant wicker Squirrel. We watch as we see a group of hooded people load a covered dead body up the wicker back side of the squirrel and proceed to set it alight

As it burns a number of women emerge from a large tent dressed in brilliant white dresses and link hands as they watch the structure burn while chanting. We see Auntie Pat and Sarah join the group as they chant:-

Mare Ree Bare Rees Vikt Ore Ria Spun Jer

Cue Opening Titles

Now if we got that Lin-Manuel on board this would be his first song . Don’t go with ‘The Testicle Song’ save that . Get him to knock up a catchy little number based on the chant. Job done.

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